Saturday, May 15, 2021

yes, girl

i have the battle scars to prove it.  very grateful to have come this far.

Thursday, May 13, 2021

we are so much more than the things we are not

grateful that this poem was shared to me, and it came in the form of a video clip featuring Gong Yoo, my late godmother's crush.  

Not 
by Erin Hanson

You are not your age, nor the size of clothes you wear,
You are not a weight, or the color of your hair.
You are not your name, or the dimples in your cheeks.
You are all the books you read, and all the words you speak.
You are your croaky morning voice, and the smiles you try to hide.
You’re the sweetness in your laughter, and every tear you’ve cried.
You’re the songs you sing so loudly when you know you’re all alone.
You’re the places that you’ve been to, and the one that you call home.
You’re the things that you believe in, and the people whom you love.
You’re the photos in your bedroom, and the future you dream of.
You’re made of so much beauty, but it seems that you forgot
When you decided that you were defined by all the things you’re not.

yes, baby, i'm not working today.

no need to make pamewang.


villains do not fall in love. or do they?























i once thought it was a grave injustice that horrible people had relationships and i was single.  i really did. looking at it from a different perspective, all people deserve love.  not everybody adapts to pain, suffering, and trauma the same way, so it makes sense that on the surface, not everyone is good. my mentor/father-figure has taught me to always see the good in people.  they may not necessarily deserve it, but it is not our place to decide. we never know when we meet someone whether or not they're going through something, so it's always best to respect others and be kind. 

i thought hard about why Vincenzo said this.  understandably, villains are traumatized people and as they say,  "hurt people hurt people.". it's not a license to inflict pain in others just because they were hurt, but it doesn't mean that they do not deserve to love and be loved like everybody else.  problem is, people who love them either try to change them, if they're not condoning the bad behavior.  more than anything,  people who are hurt deserve to love and be loved,  as only love can make a hardened heart change.  

i think it was Joss Carter who said that some people may feel like they deserve to be punished for the things they have done, and therefore, feel the need to push others away, when someone tries to love them.  they built walls around themselves, and only allow access to people they trust, if they do open up at all.  Vincenzo,  like John Reese (and Angel - because we love these character arcs) has done some dark deeds in connection with his occupation and both of them repented, found a purpose, and sought redemption.  while doing  good does not erase past wrongs, and involves a lot of brooding, like Vaisravana,  Vincenzo,  can deliver evil men to God,  as only those who have experienced evil, seen and done evil,  can make evil pay.    

everybody deserves to love and be loved, but not everyone gets to have a happy ending. while a long distance relationship have a low chance of survival,  you hope for Vincenzo and Cha-Young's romance to succeed. villains are tenacious in love, after all.  

Monday, May 10, 2021

there should be a rule on giving gifts

i didn't ask him for it. he has been meaning to send me something for quite some time, but i never expected him to actually send something over.

my favorite "contractual" sent me a bottle for every month that passed my birth month.

 
like i said, i'm quite fond of him and this is a really sweet gesture which i appreciate very much.  but i cannot have him or anyone with whom i share a relationship of a similar nature, for that matter, give me material things. or anything that may be misconstrued as crossing the boundary between transactional to meaningful.  that's why we have walls, and rules and cat analogies, and the movie, Vanilla Sky, as a means of self-preservation. i cannot fall for people if i know at the back of my head that they're only here for "sleepovers". i need more than that.  i deserve more than that.  

i should really refuse these things next time.  if only i didn't love coffee so much. 



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