confessions of a dangerous mind

if this were a cassette tape, i would only listen to side a

2012-01-15T21:20:00.004+08:00

so i dragged my friends over to McKinley Hill in the Fort. i almost didn't want to go, but since it was my idea to watch the album launch, i had to show up.

i wish i didn't.

i wanted to see the bands. unfortunately, the bands performed at Eastwood the other night when i had work and they reserve the boring pop and bossa nova cover people for The Fort. let me guess, the artists are supposed to match the, uh, crowd?

it didn't really work for me. it's bad enough that the album is all about covering 90s hits, but the artists who performed on that show made money doing covers.

i also don't see the point of strumming a guitar when you're being accompanied by a minus-one.

i'm looking at the line up and while i like all the songs, the first seven songs (yes, the ones covered by the bands and alternative artist Miguel Escueta - he is under acceptable norms, an "alternative artist") are the only ones worth listening to in this album. for the other half, i recommend listening to the songs in their original state.

the only good thing about being out last night is seeing Scotty (he was the host) and having a picture taken with him. i felt so bad that he kept on talking on stage and nobody was paying attention. but i guess he knows that it's part of being the host's job.

***
i didn't really like Scotty at first. of course, i first heard him on air while looking for an alternative radio station after NU107 closed down so i hated everything and everyone i listened to. i thought he was a Filipino trying so hard to fake a Scottish accent. it turns out, he is a Scottish guy who's trying to adjust his accent so that his Filipino listeners can understand him. chances are, if he spoke in his native Scottish tongue, you wouldn't get a word out.

i still love Russ Davis, Mondo, Francis Brew and all the DJs from NU107 who are now working for DigRadio. but that's the point, i'm not online all the time so i have to find other alternatives. hence, the fascination for Scotty and this other DJ, Gino Quillamor.

some other time.

dear kidney

2012-01-13T18:32:00.005+08:00

i know you're in pain right now, i can feel it. i will have you checked, just not right now. there's just so many things i need to do. and i know you, along with the rest of my body, should come first. i just don't have the time right now. i know i should make time for you. i just can't.

it's just you and me. we can't rely on anybody else. we don't have anyone else. so you can't give up on me, you can't give out on me. you have to be strong for me so i can work. i promise after all this is done, i will have you checked. i will take care of you and not the disease that causes you pain.

i just need to finish this visit, and these projects and i will gladly have myself admitted to the hospital. i know the dangers of not getting you and me checked right away, but i can't leave my work unfinished. it's a lousy excuse, i know. but i have nothing, no one to come back to anyway. so i might as well make sure nobody's going to bug me when i do get confined. i'd rather get things done now and take this long vacation in the hospital than get checked now and have to rush getting well because they need me to be there at work.

besides, we have no one to rely on. no one will take me to the hospital. no one will take care of me while i'm there. no one will visit.

it's sad when the person to notify in case you're in an emergency is dead. or asleep.

it's just you and me. so cooperate. this too shall pass.

. . . six am, day after Christmas . . . the world is sleeping, I am numb . . .

2011-12-26T20:25:00.004+08:00

i was awake while everybody else was asleep so i slept for the most part of the holiday and today.

coming from a friend's house after our common friend's wedding, i met with my friend and her girlfriend for breakfast. after that i went ahead and brought old clothes as donations for the Sendong victims before going to my parents' grave. then i went to work and bought food for the guards and janitors working the shift. that was Christmas for me.

you don't have to be here physically for me to know that I am loved.

i am inexplicably sad this year considering that i have spent the most part of my life being alone anyway. i don't know why. i tried not to inflict others with my sadness so i just slept for the most part.

sleeping is good. it makes up for being awake and sad.

best Christmas party ever

2011-12-18T21:08:00.008+08:00

"it's Christmas time, there's no need to be afraid . . ."

so goes the song. so goes the invitation that i got via Facebook calendar and via text message about the party being thrown by The Ronnies. i haven't watched gigs in a while and i said that if there was one gig i had to see before the year ends, it would have to be theirs.

a few years back, i got to sing with them and i had a blast. that to me was the best gig ever. this was reinforced when i saw them again last night. i had so much fun, i even forgot that i was sick and in pain the whole week from my kidney (or another possible urinary tract infection - who knows?) and from the unending stress that i receive from work. i said that i was going to have fun and drink at whatever cost. and i did.

i even got to sing with them again. we wanted to hear Borderline so i whispered the request real quick to Ronnie who agreed but said i had to be the one to sing the song. okay. done.

i miss singing. i miss having fun. i miss going out and not having to worry about the things i have to do, or the things i don't have. i miss not having to worry about work or my failing health.

like they said, it's Christmas time. no need to be afraid. no need for stress either.

***

it was weird seeing you again. not that you still have this effect on me or anything but i do remember exchanging not so good words with you through text. and then we just went back to being nice again to each other without actually ever talking about it. you act like there's nothing wrong and you act like i still don't mean anything to you even after you keep asking me how i am. i keep thinking if you're sincere about it or if you just want to feel better about yourself because you're an asshole and you have not been a good friend to me for the most part of our lives. you're still not a good friend. and i am over you. i have been fine without your affirmation, you know. you take me for granted even though i'm the only one who's been true to you, the only one who's really been loyal to you all these years, following you and supporting the poor excuse for a singing career that you have. oh well, you didn't like being mainstream anyway, right?

it's nice that you ask how i am. you haven't exactly apologized for being mean to me and that debacle in 2006 but i appreciate the effort you're exerting. it's nice that you're trying to make up for being an ass. even if it's twenty-one years too late.

angry girl journal 12.15.2011

2011-12-15T17:10:00.006+08:00

i'm so tired. i am in so much pain. i can hardly stand. my kidneys are acting up again.

i normally have a high tolerance for pain but this is unbearable for me. i wouldn't complain if i can still take the pain. but now, i am having difficulty standing up and i even feel pain when i sit or lie down.

they say that urinary tract infection is common among those who work for a call center (i know i work for a bank now, but it follows the same concept) and i am at risk. i should know because i've already had a kidney stone before. more than anyone, i should be careful: i should drink lots of water, avoid salty foods, eat fresh fruits. and i shouldn't hold my pee when i need to.

good luck with that.

it's sad that the person to notify in case you're in an emergency is dead. or asleep.

i hate getting sick.

***

i never thought i'd have to say this to you, but i love you. i love you so much. i just don't like you anymore.

music to visit sick friends with?

2011-12-08T18:56:00.007+08:00

for some weird reason, this song kept on playing in my head on my way to your house.

Fix You
Coldplay

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

i won't try to change you. i know i won't change for anyone. i love you because you're perfectly imperfect. i know there are days when i can't really help fix your life considering i can't even save myself but i will always be here for you. that i can assure you.

angry girl journal 12.03.2011

2011-12-05T19:02:00.005+08:00

the last time we had this conversation was in august, when i went to your house and i did my best to lift your hopes up. you were so down that day and i wanted so much to take your pain away, to help you set your life straight.

and now it's happening again.

sometimes i fear i don't understand how you resent what they do for you but somehow i can make you sane. these are people you actually care about. what would i do differently to make you listen to me when they can't make you stay long enough to hear what they have to say?

***

i love this song. they used to play it in NU107 and every once in a while, they would play it in JAM 88.3. it was also featured in So You Think You Can Dance 6, with Eleanor and Ryan dancing to the choreography of Travis Wall.

Your Ex-Lover Is Dead
Stars

God, that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said 'yes I think we've met before'
In that instant it started to pour,
Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across Pont Champlain
And all of the time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name...

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside me
You see all the beauty
Repent all your sin

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love...

Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

I'm not sorry there's nothing to save...

it talks about the most awkward situation of seeing your ex after a long time but somehow you haven't exactly moved on yet or even if you have, that feeling where you don't really want to stay because you're afraid for the other person because he/she may not have been as resilient as yourself. it also talks about how you did everything you could but at the end of the day, there was nothing more that could be done for that relationship but to end. great song.

i would've marched with PRIDE

2011-12-05T18:14:00.002+08:00

last week was very busy for me. we finally got permission from Corporate to use the company logo for the PRIDE March. it would have been my first march. most of the members of the committee were on leave so it was up to me and the remaining members to get people to sign up and march with us. of course, the free t-shirt was an incentive to people who would show up but we wanted to make sure that people would show up for the cause and not just because the shirt was free.

for those of you who just tuned in: I AM A BISEXUAL. my longest relationship was three years with a lesbian i met in law school whom i call "M" here. i've always known at an early age that i was different. i have always been attracted to both girls and boys (i think the "asshole pattern" applies to both as M was full of it) and it is not something i am ashamed of. so when the opportunity came to become a member of something like this, i wanted to become a part of it.

i've always said, i wanted to be able to embrace my truth, and this is one of those truths about me. i am attracted to women and men and i am open to having a meaningful relationship (or one with just crazy mindblowing sex) with either sex just as i am open to the idea of ending up alone. it's a choice i made a long time ago. some people might say it's a vague choice; that it's playing safe or wanting to enjoy the best of both worlds, but my point is: when i love, i do not see a man or a woman, i see a person whose heart, mind, soul i am attracted to.

in a way, i'm doing this for friends who are not as open or brave in facing their demons and making choices. i don't care about how other people perceive me or what they say about me and i take pride in who i am and what i have become. of course, there will be debates on Christianity and morality which i will not delve on right now. i just feel i have an obligation to those who have made their choices in life, to stand up for our rights and beliefs. we have to stand up for ourselves.

anyway, coming from my shift, i had to print out the registration forms for the march and we had to move from one building to another since the systems in ours were down. mad rush to other building to reach one of the committee members' assistants. i had my friend redo the file since i couldn't open the one he did. we were able to print out the forms but as soon as we got a cab i felt my blood rush up to my head. it was one of those days when once sunlight hits me i get dizzy. i threw up twice and had to make the cab stop before we could even reach the venue.

he wouldn't let me march anymore. he said i should just go home after we gave them the forms. good thing, some of my friends were there in the area and we told them to pick us up. my head didn't feel any better in the car but at least i wasn't throwing up anymore.

i felt really bad i couldn't march. later in the evening i got a text message saying that our delegation had the most number of turnouts. it made me happy that even if i couldn't physically make it, they knew i was there in spirit and our efforts paid off.

angry girl journal 11.20.2011

2011-11-23T08:18:00.002+08:00

the last time i saw you was the night you kissed me. we didn't really talk about it anymore. we just started texting each other again like nothing happened. i wasn't even supposed to show up. but i needed to see you. i wanted to show you that you have my love and support as you were going through one of the toughest challenges we have to face: the bar exams.

you stared at me for a long time. i haven't seen anyone so surprised and so happy to see me in a while. and when you finally overcame the initial shock you hugged me and it was so tight,i had to tell you to let me go.

i love you and i know somewhere in there, you have love for me. i don't know to what extent or what degree. i cannot qualify. i love you as a brother, a best friend. i could've loved you for more. but we never got that far. i was never someone else to you other than your sister, your friend, your rock. we could've been lovers. we could've been the best of friends. but you had to kiss me. and that's just a natural occurrence to you: kissing girls when they're vulnerable. i'd like to think i'm not just like everyone of your girls. i'm supposed to be special. i guess not. you never saw me for more than i was, for what i could be to you. you never said anything to make me stay, or think that it wasn't just sex to you. so i went ahead and hurt you back, by going to him.

we didn't talk about it anymore. we ignored the fact that it happened. which means it can happen again. i don't want to lose you that way. i care for you so much, i value our friendship. i don't expect to be anything more to you than what you can give me, but i don't deserve to be treated less.

***

i never wanted you to say that about me. well, sometimes i wish you would and you rarely do without provocation. i am glad that you feel that way about me. i just hope you know what it means.

i will never give up on you, even when you've given up on yourself. that's what i'm here for. i just hope you won't forget.

much as i hate to admit it, i had a Randy Santiago fixation

2011-11-17T19:42:00.005+08:00

before i became the rocker and advocate of independent Filipino music that i am today, i was a die-hard fan of Randy Santiago.

Randy who?

for those of you too young to remember, Randy Santiago is the son of film director, the late Pablo Santiago and brother to director Rowell Santiago and actor Raymart Santiago. he is an actor, television host and singer. he was really big in the mid-80s because the dark shades were supposedly mysterious and attractive and he had a certain playfulness about him.

i was young then and didn't know any better. i figured i got tired of playing chess everyday and studying so he was my first form of rebellion. i watched the shows where he was, when i could. i bought his albums when they came out. i even wrote to him. of course he responded with the template he sent to everyone else of his fans. i was just so ecstatic to get it. i kept hoping his career would pick up and his concerts would be big the way Gary V was or Martin Nievera was but he can only do so much. there is limited opportunity for a guy with dark shades on, whose voice isn't exactly as remarkable as Pavarotti's and whose lyrics are repetitive, cheesy and lame. i've heard love expressed in better way.

we faithful lose interest in our icons and move on to someone else. i graduated from elementary school, met up with Jade and got re-introduced to rock and new wave music. from then on, there was no going back for me and crappy music. Randy, on the other hand, lost his mystery and charm and got hitched. he also got ditched from some of his shows and his songs didn't generate as much attention as they did in 1987.

i don't deny being a big fan of Randy Santiago. i loved some of his songs, they had meaning for me at the time. some of them still have meaning for me now but they don't have as much of an impact to me as say, a song by U2 or Radiohead or Pearl Jam or Alanis Morissette. i hardly remember some of the songs i loved then. you can say i've outgrown pop music, mushy music and moved on to deeper stuff (with some guilty pop pleasure here and there every now and then); i've become more passionate about rock music and the lifestyle. i've realized now that local talent doesn't have to have a popular surname; that hard work is rarely recognized or given an opportunity to be heard by the masses. i'm not saying Randy didn't work hard enough to get to where he is. i'm just saying acts like him, they get old and even if they learn new tricks, they still seem old.

dear friend

2011-11-08T18:17:00.004+08:00

i just finished reading the book the perks of being a wallflower. it just took me two days. it was that moving and interesting.

the book talks about a high school freshman, Charlie, whose best friend Michael committed suicide before the beginning of freshman year so he has to face high school alone. he has an elder brother who was a football superstar in the school and a sister in senior year. he became friends with a guy in his shop class, Patrick, and his stepsister, Sam, whom Charlie has a crush on. Charlie constantly writes to an "anonymous" friend about the things happening to his life: how he deals with his Aunt Helen's loss, his "favorite person in the whole world"; his relationships with his family; his friendship with Patrick and Sam and their experiences being high; his first girlfriend, Marie Elizabeth; the book assignments his English professor, Bill, gives him and the music he listens to.the book talks about his experiences with drugs, with girls, with guys, and his bouts with his own disorder. he doesn't expect his "friend" to look for him or to write back, but he feels grateful that he has someone to write to as a sounding board.

i wish i had a friend like that. i wish there was some random person i could talk to openly about my thoughts without having to feel ashamed or guilty for feeling certain things. i have this and i don't, can't even find the time to write for it sometimes when this was supposed to be my outlet so i don't have to resort to suicide. it's sad that i can't write as often as i'd want to without even caring if anyone read, heard or felt the same way. it's sad that even if i did have the time, nobody cares enough to listen to my thoughts or what i have to say anyway.

i wish i had a psychiatrist. pay someone by the hour just so i can lie down on a couch and talk. sometimes, that's all i need. someone like Charlie who listens and understands. someone like his anonymous friend whom i can write to and not have to worry about what that other person thinks or feels - whether he is being judged or not for all his thoughts and actions and the way he reacts (or not reacts) to the things going on around him.

i used to think that having a diary or a blog or someone to write to constantly was a good thing. that way, i wouldn't have to feel so bad or so alone because there would be one or two people out there who may have felt the same way at one time or another. being able to say out all those pent up emotions can be a relief, whether it's frustration over a colleague at work or unrequited love or indifference to your blood relatives or just being alone in general. Charlie had a family who was very supportive and he had someone to constantly write to, a professor who gave him books to read and write about and a circle of friends whom he enjoyed being with while going through his first year in high school, and yet, somehow he still felt all alone, still inside his head all the time. i could relate to Charlie in a way that, even if i know i can rely on people and i can also write about it, i still feel alone.

" . . . we accept the love we think we deserve . . . "

i still feel alone. i guess i'll always be alone.

this is truly a crazy planets

2011-11-06T11:58:00.006+08:00

when i first heard the saxophone intro of Radioactive Sago Project's Gusto Ko ng Baboy, along with Lourd de Veyra's voice, i was drawn to it. i have never heard anything like that before, save for Meryn Cadell's The Sweater Song and the banter between Cheech and Chong (which sadly, i won't get to hear anymore since NU107 was the only station that played them) every Christmas. Radioactive Sago Project showed us the beauty and brilliance of spoken word.

it is no wonder that people are drawn to his words. Lourd is such a great writer. he is smart, sarcastic and funny. brilliant. his views are much like ours. very patriotic, yet honest. angry and yet, he seems to encourage everyone out there to wake up and do something. it's like we already know these things, nobody just has the balls to say them out loud. kinda like Mon Tulfo, but instead of wanting to slap him in the face, you thank him for making us see.

a few months ago, Lourd released a book compilation of all his essays in spot.ph, This is a Crazy Planets. i recently got a copy of the book and i couldn't put it down. it was so funny. it was so interesting that even if i needed to sleep, i couldn't. it also made me want to write again, on a more regular basis. i figured, i've so much pent up emotion, instead of wanting to whack somebody on the head, i would just write about it. i do need practice. reading the book compilation of his blog posts made me realize how much i loved music and how much i loved writing. the only other two people who made me feel that way are Jessica Zafra and my second year high school teacher. of course, i'm not as brilliant but reading makes me want to aspire to be.

the book showcases Lourd's thoughts on our self-proclaimed Oprah of the RP, Kris Aquino; an homage to Rico J. Puno and Pacquito Diaz, AM radio stations and old Filipino action movies. he also introduced us to the TNL blog which shows a manifesto of what a real man (during these times when there are so many gay men - i don't mean to offend, i'm just saying as a matter of observation) is supposed to be and what a real man should and should not do. it's also just P195 and i strongly suggest you get one. the book is a better companion with your Starbucks coffee than a boring person.

why i don't have a Twitter account

2011-10-31T07:30:00.007+08:00

when a friend found out i blogged he asked me if i also tweeted and i told him that i don't need that much attention. many of my friends have been bugging me incessantly to have a twitter account and i don't. i don't want to. they've even offered to open the account for me but i have refused. vehemently. they said that if there was anyone who should have a twitter account, it should be me. i agree. but it's a matter of principle that i don't use it. i have nothing against people who do. i respect their right to tweet and i would appreciate it if people gave me a break and respect my right to not want to.

1. i live alone.
this is also the reason i don't "check-in". if people knew where i was and what i was doing real time, then my life would be in danger. even if i am ugly, i do have stalkers. i don't think people need to know where i am and what i am doing all the time. i reserve that right for only a few people.

2.i'm an angry person.
no, let me rephrase that: there are things that people tend to do that piss me off. if i changed statuses for every time that i was pissed, then i end up pissing a whole lot of other people. just a random angry thought in Facebook makes about at least a dozen people react when it's not even for them. i should know.

3. they say that "tweeting" is the new texting.
if you wanted to have me in one of your events, i have a phone, CALL ME. TEXT ME. why is it okay for everyone else following your account to find out about this event but not me? why should i have to go through all the trouble of opening an account if you can just send one text message that wouldn't even take you five minutes to compose? when you tweet, you want to be able to "announce" something to everyone whom you feel are special enough to share that information or event with you. but are they all THAT special? aren't there certain people you want to really be with that a phone call or text message, as an added courtesy, will make sure that they're there?

4. i have random acts of quirkiness.
i have thoughts and feelings i share with particular people. that's why they became my friends. that's why they love me. when i think about something, there is always one or two people that i would like to share it with and only they can understand what i mean when i say it and they will not take any offense that i did. the thoughts are meant for someone in particular, not for everyone who might not share the same memory or feeling i have towards that something. besides, it takes away the meaning of a "private joke".

5. i blog for me.
i need it as an outlet for my feelings. i cannot limit my thoughts to just 140 characters. i have so much pent up emotion as it is that i have to let out. if i cannot say them the way i want to, then i'd rather not say them at all. it defeats the whole purpose of venting out if you cannot vent the way you want without fear of being misunderstood or when you're limited by the length of characters allowing you to vent.

like i have mentioned before, it is an anti-social tool. i respect those of you who have it and the people who follow you. but it's not for me. it takes away the personal nature that a voice or a letter can bring to someone or to me. it is useful for people who are on-the-go, those who only have time to read a line or two about something, to people who need to know right away. while i am fond of technology and all the wonderful innovations that it brings to our lives, i may still be very much old-fashioned with certain things. this is one of them.

so if you come across a twitter account with my name on it, chances are, it's not mine. if i do decide to have one, i'll blog about it first.

all for one, one for all

2011-10-30T09:32:00.006+08:00

my friend and i watched the new Three Musketeers movie yesterday. i honestly had hesitations watching it since i didn’t know anyone in the cast, save for the guy who played D’Artagnan, Logan Lerman, whom we last saw play the role of Percy Jackson, Milla Jovovich and a somewhat ugly ruthless version of Orlando Bloom. what i really wanted to see was In Time, the Gattaca-esque movie starring Justin Timberlake and Amanda Siegfried. i was more after his supporting cast than i was interested in seeing the former 'N Sync frontman. ihe trailer caught my eye when I saw Matt Bomer (White Collar), John Galecki (Big Bang Theory), Vincent Kartheiser (Angel, Mad Men), Olivia Wilde (House) and Cillian Murphy (Sunshine) so i really wanted to see it. i mean, i really feel strongly about the movie. if it turns out to be crap, i wanted to be the one to realize it and not just have someone say to me that it is, when it is not. we do have different tastes. you all watched No Other Woman, right? i didn't because i personally thought, just by looking at the trailer, that it wasn't for me. that's how i feel about In Time. i saw the trailer and i knew i would like it. guess i’m gonna have to see it some other time.

all the time i was watching the movie i kept on thinking who played Porthos in the Three Musketeers movie where the song All for One, All for Love came from. i can remember the other three for the movie The Man in the Iron Mask but can’t remember Porthos. i think it was Oliver Platt.

after much reflection and googling, i found out that it is Oliver Platt. thank God for good memory - i'm still not THAT old. i personally love the aging musketeers, from The Man in the Iron Mask. it showed them as valiant yet flawed, and that even in old age, there are friendships that last a lifetime. even with a serious plot like that of treachery and hunger and greed, it had some pretty funny scenes.

anyway, the 2011 story and how the film was made was impressive and it grew on me despite my not liking to watch it at first. it was humorous, like the previous film in 1993, and quite entertaining. it made me love the musketeers all over again. it made me believe that love and friendship exists and chivalry is not a crime even for just a hundred and ten minutes.

STOMP

2011-10-24T03:53:00.003+08:00

if we had better seats, i wouldn't have dozed off in some of the scenes. i feel bad that i did.

the show was magical. they were amazing. these great artists made music from the most unlikely objects: brush brooms, trashcans, matchboxes, lighters, sand, newspapers, tires, water containers. everything. i dozed off several times since i had to slouch to get a better view so "everything" should cover it.

minus the part we were in the cheap seats (of course, you are surrounded by cheap people - sorry, i mean, those people who like to do annotations of everything going on because one or two people from their group couldn't get it - i didn't mean poor and uneducated) given the limited number of performances they had here in Manila and everybody just wanted to see them, it was one of those best shows i have ever seen in my life.

they were hilarious. each and everyone of them had a way of captivating the audience and getting them hooked. when they were done, the audience was begging them for more. it was worth the long commute, the slouching, the stiff neck i now have.

i hope to get the chance to see the show again. with better seats. other than that and some initial "hassle" we encountered, i loved the show.

*pictures taken from www.stomponline.com*

what's YOUR number?

2011-10-17T00:40:00.005+08:00

Allison Darling is worried that nothing is going to happen to her love life as her younger sister Daisy is getting married. not only did she just get laid off from her marketing job but she is getting pressured by her mother to bring a suitable boyfriend as her date to the wedding. as if that wasn't enough, she read this article in a magazine that says the average woman only sleeps with 10.5 men in her lifetime and those who reach up to twenty find it hard to find someone they will be with for the rest of her life.

on the eve of her sister's engagement party she vows to stop at twenty only to wake up with the guy who just fired her. so she seeks the help of her front door neighbor, Colin, who like her, has some issues in dealing with relationships. she tries to find all the previous guys she has been with in the hope that one of them may still be single and better off now than when she first dated them.

she and Colin hit it off so well but her premise is that she already wasted her life with twenty other assholes like him who cannot be with women for twenty-four hours without sleeping with them. then she reconnects with the first guy she ever dated (because Colin did find him after all), Jake, this really hot guy you really want to bring home to mommy. but then he cannot accept her for who she is. she gets back with Colin and it is presumed they live happily ever after.

of course, like her, in my head, i was counting the guys (and yes, the girls) i have been with and while watching the movie, it has occurred to me that i may have already let "the one" get away or maybe i will never find "the one". the culture here in the Philippines, no matter how westernized we have become, still believes that a woman should only sleep with the guy she is married to. while i don't necessarily believe that, with the growing population of great looking intelligent gay men, i'm running out of options very fast. then there's also the fact none of the guys i ever dated really considered me to be their "one" so . . .

like Allison, i'm not perfect. i have had my share of assholes, hell, i'm perpetually attracted and attached to them, despite my best efforts. but it doesn't mean i deserve a decent guy any less than the next girl. i'm damaged and i may want someone equally damaged but only damaged enough to understand that i'm not perfect. because nobody is.

" . . . i'm not like the girls that you've known, but i believe i'm worth coming home to . . ."
Tori Amos, Sleeps with Butterflies

i haven't given up hope that i will find love someday or that love will find me. the number shouldn't matter.

***

one of the songs featured in the movie was this song. it's funny, it's cute and even if all the guy really wants to do is get you to bed, with the way he sounds and the honesty he portrays, you just might want to have that one-night stand.

Wicked Way
Ben Taylor

I just want to take you out and get you drunk so I can have my wicked way with you
i'm just being honest 'cause I know the other guys are thinking just the same way too
And i'm not gonna lie and say that I will take you out to dance
there's just no chance 'cause I don't even like the same music you do
I just wanna have my wicked way with you

So don't you fight it
Cause I know you're gonna like it
Show me some skin I might bite it
I wanna have my wicked with you.

So i'm not gonna come over and meet your mom and dad
They know that I was bad
I don't want to meet your friends or just pretend I like you
And I don't want to talk about what happened on your favorite tv show
I just want to get you close enough so I can take off all your clothes
And i'm not gonna make you cry or break your heart girl we don't have the time
i'm just thinking of three hours or more
So I can have my wicked way with you

don't you fight it
don't knock it 'til you've tried it
Show me some skin I might bite it
I wanna have my wicked way with you
My wicked way with you
My wicked way with you.

Anne Curtis is evil.

2011-10-12T07:19:00.008+08:00

of course, you will ask, "what has she done to you that would make you even say that? she has not done you anything wrong"

maybe she has.

a few weeks ago, my friends and i decided we wanted to try watching a movie at this mall in the South again. the last time we went there was on my birthday last August. i pretty much wasn't a happy camper as i didn't get to sleep after my shift before meeting with them and i had to go all the way to the South. then i find that the MRT is busted so i had to take a bus. traffic was really bad. by the time the bus got to the Shaw area, i saw the train working again.

again, this is not Anne's fault, you say. you might even say it's my fault - should've left early, should've argued with friends to meet somewhere nearer to where we all lived, etc. but i couldn't leave early. i couldn't sleep well after my shift. and i cannot predict the MRT operations. we all could've met in Bulacan and i still might have been pissed because of the lack of sleep.

by the time i got to our meeting place, they were all done with dinner and i just had to catch up. afterwards, we got ready to buy our tickets, only to find out that after 7PM, the movie theater switched the movies they were showing (Friends with Benefits, Change UP, etc.) to movie everyone in Manila is watching right now:

Anne has done nothing to me, personally. she doesn't even know i exist. but she affects my life even if she doesn't mean to. she affects the people around me, without meaning to. and it irritates the shit out of me.

people who have seen her movie keep on posting lines off it, overusing it to the point that it makes me want to vommit.

it's also not nice for her to present herself as, "an ordinary girl". sweetie, most ordinary girls don't have a body like that, their lips aren't full like that, they don't have guys as handsome (not my taste personally, but only for the sake of the argument) Sam Milby and Luis Manzano for ex-boyfriends. of course, you get your heart broken like everybody else, and you shit like everybody else, but you're not like everyone else. you don't represent the common woman.

the common woman is either too thin (for lack of nutrition - we live in a third country whose minimum wage is, well, not enough) or too fat (we stress eat, we work hard, give us a break); the common woman does not have naturally pouting lips like that. please.

the movie in itself is so bad it's supposed to be good. i didn't see it. i don't plan to. i am surrounded by people at work who have seen it, i don't even have to know what it's about. they're practically telling you the story. you know how it is: you've been bombarded by so many things about something that you're sick of it even before it even begins. it's like condoning, tolerating adultery by making a film with supposedly cool lines in it to make you think cheating on your partner is okay. i feel strongly about this, being someone who's been cheated on, being someone who's cheated and being someone considered as "the other woman" - which is weird because the women who accuse me of this are those whose partners i don't even touch or don't find the least attractive.

i don't like her. i don't like what she supposedly represents. i think she is fake. you're more than welcome to hate on me for saying this - this is a democracy, after all. i can tell you i think she is evil and you can tell me that i am the devil incarnate for saying so. you can tell me that i'm bitter for being fat and ugly and i can tell you that her voice will never get any better than it is. there are far better vocalists who deserve a singing deal. i can just go on for days.

missing my kids at the cheering squad

2011-09-28T18:10:00.003+08:00

i miss my "kids". when i moved over here, we just concluded the Sports Fest in the previous company and they were starting theirs here. it reminded me of them and how much i missed them, how much work i put into them. i recruited them for the group, i supervised almost all their practices, i fed them, i supported them, i got them their costumes. kulang na lang ako magsilang sa kanila eh.

but the kids here. i don't feel as strongly about them as i should. maybe i will eventually but my allegiance right now still remains with the old group. they are better and much cuter. i know that sounds mean, but like a mother, i'm also protective of this group.

***

here we go again. you don't have to thank me or say you love me all the time. i know. i love what we have and i accept that this is what we have. i just don't want to have to lead you on to say it. i want you to say it not because i led you to say it or because you had no choice but to say it, like i forced it out of you. sometimes i just need to hear it. it does help a friend sometimes if he/she knew that she is doing a great job as a friend, that you are grateful that she is there for you all the time, whenever you need her, for moral support, for venting, or when you're short of cash. sometimes, you just feel like how all my other friends treat me: YOU TAKE ME FOR GRANTED.

***

i like you. i like talking to you. but like everybody else i've pined over, i don't think this will go anywhere. i'm not hot or exceptionally attractive for you to want to be interested in me. and besides, you are already spoken for so i wouldn't even waste time thinking about how good you look.

if only you didn't look so good.

the stalker becomes the stalkee

2011-09-18T15:32:00.002+08:00

as they say, everything comes full circle. even the art of stalking.

for about two or three weeks now, i've been a bit paranoid because the sidecar boys have been asking me if i'm already going to work. without meaning to offend them and without giving too much information i accommodate the inquiries. i don't really want them to notice any real pattern about where and when i'm going because you cannot really trust anyone these days. i'm not trying to be mean or judgmental - just trying to protect myself. i've seen to many shows about serial rapists and killers not to be too careful.

just this week, one of them asked if they could get my mobile number for someone. said that someone is interested to know about me. apparently, i have an admirer. they said that the person asking for my number has been waiting for quite some time now but is too shy to approachme . they said i've seen him around i just don't notice.

I DO?! most of the time i just step out of the house and leave. how am i supposed to notice who waits for what and who?! if anybody had the time or resources to bother waiting and asking around, that would be reason to be scared right?

the next day, he finally sits with me, this kid (i was told he is only 24 years old)and asks me what took me so long because he had been waiting all afternoon for me to come out. then he asks me arrogantly for my number. if you had worked in a call center and have some experience with inbound sales, you may have heard of the term "presumptive close" which is basically assuming that the other person already wants to buy something you're selling, blindly and without question just because you said so. in this scenario, this guy believes that i will miraculously give my number just because he said so. again, he didn't ask for it, he was "ordering" me to give him my mobile number. ha! like i would fall for that jedi mind trick.

of course, i didn't give him my number. of course, i wasn't impressed. of course, by the time i got to the main road to go to work, he was disappointed that a girl like me would still have the galls to reject him.

i don't judge people by their appearances and i would welcome the opportunity, every chance i get, to meet new people. but a guy like that, with his SMS (Small Man Syndrome - short guys tend to overcompensate for their lack of height), and his lackluster approach to me, didn't really give me much to work on. didn't get me interested at all. you'd think with all that time in his hands waiting for me, he'd be prepared to rebut all my statements to deter him from getting my number.

while i think it's really sweet that a young man would sit and wait all afternoon for a mean old fat lady to come out of the house to go to work (it's also creepy, really), and the gesture could make any girl melt. all that waiting wouldn't really get anywhere. he doesn't look like he's going anywhere. my life has no direction as it is. i don't intend to babysit. i'm already babysitting people who have direction, and we're still going around in circles. imagine how difficult it is to take care of someone who doesn't even know what he wants to do with his life, or doesn't have any plans. i may be patient but i just don't want to waste my time on this.

oh, and while i do have this thing for arrogant assholes, these are the type who can fend for themselves and who have accomplished some sort of license to be arrogant, i don't have time for arrogant bums.

so much for moving to a new environment

2011-09-05T08:20:00.002+08:00

it truly is a small small world.

i was thinking that if i left the company i was currently in to move to this other one that i'd be rid of some of that pent up anger and negative energy from working in the previous company. i had anticipated that some of the people who i worked with would be here but i didn't think i would see so many people i know.

a friend had a recommendation for me: if you don't want to see them, chances are, they feel the same way about you. so if you see anyone you know, just smile. if they don't smile back, you just stay as you were, as if you haven't seen anyone or anything.

***

it doesn't really help that we see each other still. or we talk on the phone everyday. or text each other. or email each other. part of the reason i took this gig was to run away from you. forget you. well, not really forget you, but get over the romantic feelings for you. because there are days when i can't draw the line anymore. we're not together anymore, we don't work together but somehow it just feels like i never left.

of course, i'm over you. there are just days when you tend to act a certain way which makes me react a certain way and frankly, i don't want to have to deal with that all over again. it's exhausting, to say the least. if you decide to move here then it will never help me. i have moved on from those feelings. i am okay with us being friends. you just have to act like one. it doesn't help me, as a person, when you as a friend, say this and that, but you're never really up to it. i don't need an absentee best friend. if you move, we'll start fighting again and there will be talk again and i'm so sick of that drama. you moving will mean that i have someone to rely on, some of the time, but more for me to worry about.

i wish you the best of everything. i know you are a great person and i know you will make a wonderful contribution, given your amass of talent to this company. i just won't know how to deal.

would've appreciated the latino crash course

2011-09-03T23:51:00.005+08:00

my friend and i just watched the musical In The Heights. i've heard about the play from my friends and i had no idea what the story was about only that it's a great musical and it had a latin flavor to it. i didn't even know if i would like it. but when i saw Felix Rivera get out the stage, i had a smile on my face. i knew i was going to like it.

the story is about a community in Manhattan's Washington Heights where everyone has grown to be a family. Usnavi (he got his name from one of the navy fleets when his parents arrived in the country) owns a store where everyone gets their coffee. there is a parlor right next to it where his crush, Vanessa works. there is a cab terminal right next to it, owned by Kevin and Camila Rosario, who want nothing but the best for their only daughter studying at Stanford, Nina; Benny, the only non-Spanish speaking member of the community and Kevin's employee, falls in love with Nina; and then there's Abuela Claudia, who is the matriarch of the neighborhood.

each and everyone of them have big dreams, high hopes. Kevin wants to make sure that Nina doesn't have to work as hard as he did, having a demanding father. Nina wants to make it on her own without worrying her parents. Benny wants to have his own car service. Vanessa just wants to get out of this town and Usnavi - well, he just wants to ask Vanessa out and fulfill all of her dreams.

i didn't have high expectations of the characters as i didn't know of the story beforehand so i wasn't disappointed. although i have to agree with a friend's observation that Felix, having been a regular of these plays, doesn't become his character anymore. he's just Felix. and watching a play, you want to fall in love with the character, not just the person playing it. i feel that while i loved the story and the actors did a great job of playing the characters, they didn't exactly "transform". some of the songs were good and entertaining, i just didn't understand them as they were in Spanish.

lastly, i just hate it when people watch a play, just for the sake of watching or because somebody put them up to it, so they don't try to understand what it is to you or what it means for other people. there was this one scene, one of the more important ones in the play where the matriarch dies and everyone is sad, teary-eyed and very emotional and some idiot in the audience (person behind me) said, "sino si Claudia?" (who's Claudia?) and it totally ruined it for me and my friend. we had to stop ourselves from laughing. pay attention next time, sweetie.

it's like my life flashed before me 2

2011-08-28T19:57:00.005+08:00

so i had to keep quiet because i was the only one in the lot who read the book and knows exactly how it would end, but somehow, it still shocked me.

there is no denying that Anne Hathaway is an amazing actress. not to many people might agree with that but i like her and i believe, that even with the slips in the accent (it is set in London, St. Swithin's Day, every year, since 1988 and she is not Dr. House), that she has given Emma justice. the breakthrough artist is Jim Sturgess, who does a good job of playing the "most annoying (in the book, he is "odious") man on television and yet, you could feel his pain, upon losing his mother to cancer, and later on, losing Emma.

of course, reliving the story through the movie brought back those feelings again, which is great considering it IS my birthday after all, and that's not something you want to celebrate with. but then, growing to be this old means learning to endure the pain of unrequited love, of death, of being alone.

i am not a kid anymore. i make mistakes and learn from them; i decide how to live my life, stand by those decisions and live with the consequences. we all want to change the world, in little ways, big ways; we all want to feel love and be loved; we all want to make a difference. we all want to be missed when we are gone and secretly wish that those who weren't paying attention would regret doing so when that happens. i know i do. i also know i don't want to miss telling people i love them when i do. carpe diem, remember? if it doesn't work out, if they don't love me back then at least i don't have to carry it with me to the grave. i am heavy enough as it is, i don't need to carry any more excess baggage. at least now, i just know enough not to let myself be taken for granted anymore. do allow for slips in judgment, though. i do have patterns, and some of them aren't very good.

i still wish i had my own "Dexter". not the serial killer Dexter but the One Day Dexter. maybe i already do. but if i did, i'd still wish i also had an "Ian" to make him realize that i have been here all this time.

why wasn't it you, Jerald?

2011-08-28T19:53:00.007+08:00

it always rains on my birthday.

today, it's not just rain. there's a storm. hopefully, it means that i will "stormed" and "inundated" with blessings.

***

i was touched when you said that my birthday is already in your heart. i honestly thought you were too busy you forgot. sorry i had little faith in you.

***

call me a pompous bitch but if you're going to watch a play, especially at the Cultural Center of the Philippines, then you should be dressed for it. if you're taking third year high school kids on a field trip, you should know better, you should tell them that theater isn't like the movies.

when i was in high school, we watched Ibong Adarna in first year, Florante at Laura in second year, Noli Me Tangere in third year and El Filibusterismo in fourth year. this was how the work of Jose Rizal, along with other Filipino literature, was introduced to us. it might just be me, but like i said, if you're going to bring these kids to watch theater, so that they can learn to appreciate the art behind what it is, then you should also educate them about how they should dress and act when watching it. it's bad enough that theaters require funding and so many people do not appreciate the art anymore, but to not teach kids how to act/react effectively when seeing them is very disappointing.

***

i was really sad that Jerald Napoles wasn't the guy playing Elias in the Noli i saw. no disrespect for the actor playing in this show, but i thought that there was a height match up for Juan Crisostomo Ibarra played by Gian Magdangal and Jerald. he would be a huge Elias to Mark Bautista's Ibarra.

this would've been the match up i was hoping for. yes, i am more after proportion than anything else. plus, i have a crush on Jerald Napoles, and it's my frigging birthday. it's raining, no, there's a storm out and it will cost me another P300 for a cab to go home after this play, not to mention, how much it cost to watch it, on my birthday, when i could've just stayed home and slept. the least the cosmos could do, since i wouldn't really end up living happily ever after with the one person i want was to allow me to watch the play with my favorite actor, right?

oh well, next time, Jerald.

a test of my perspicacity

2011-08-24T17:08:00.006+08:00

perspicacity - acuteness of mental perception and discernment; keenness of mental understanding

i had to look that word up.

i love Nick Hornby. it is his sarcasm and humor, apart from the fact that most of his stories deal about relationships, music, movies and books that make him so endearing to me.

without interruption, i could've finished the book in one day, maybe less. now that i'm done with it, i don't have anything to read anymore. i never felt this excited about reading anything in a while and i am happy that i am reading books again.

the story is about domestic partners Annie and Duncan who have been together for the last fifteen years. Duncan is obsessed with Tucker Crowe, a reclusive artist who has not come up with an album in the last two decades after releasing an album entitled Juliet. when the record company sends Duncan a copy of the acoustic versions of the Juliet songs, aptly titled "Juliet, Naked" and Annie listens to it first, he gets pissed. he gets more pissed when Annie tells him how much she dislikes the Naked album, compared to the Dressed, so he writes a post on his blog reviewing Naked and praising it. when Annie posts a comment on the blog telling everyone how much she thinks the full scale band versions of the songs are much better, she gets a reaction from no less than Tucker Crowe himself and they end up being email buddies.

Duncan cheats on Annie with his co-worker Gina so she asks him to move out. Duncan found Gina more interesting simply because she agreed on his views on Naked but soon found her to be mad and boring and asked Annie if he could move back in with her. meanwhile, Tucker and Annie become really close through their correspondence, with Tucker even paying Annie a visit when he comes over to see one of his daughters who had a miscarriage. of course, when he and Duncan encounter each other, Duncan thinks that Annie stooped down too low by going out with an older man who disguised himself as Tucker Crowe just to piss him off.

i found this book both funny and weird. relatable in some way. being with Duncan made Annie realize how much time she wasted staying with him and regret not leaving him much earlier when she should've. it's weird that she has developed this high school girl crush on Tucker when, come to think of it, Tucker was her biggest competition for Duncan's attention. Duncan was never as obsessed with her or as enthusiastic, or as interested about the intricate details about her life (and this was a man she lived with for fifteen years) as he was about Tucker Crowe. imagine Duncan challenging Tucker Crowe to prove how much he knew about Tucker Crowe.

while i can be a little bit "artsy-fartsy", for lack of a better term, when it comes to music, because i like what i like and i do have a tendency to bash other genre for their lack of class or value, i don't think i would be that obsessed as to think myself more superior than others or to isolate the people around me, especially the ones who care about me. that's how Duncan was to Annie. he put Tucker on a pedestal and took her for granted. then he dissed Tucker's latest effort after twenty years when he (along with the other Tucker fans on the blog) thought that the record wasn't at par. i mean, who are these people to judge the man? to a certain degree, as followers, we believe or get accustomed to a particular sound that our icons come up with but if they start to innovate or veer away from what we got used to, it doesn't give us a license to declare that the new effort is crap. as artists, they are entitled to a bit of room for creativity and exploration of new sound, just to see which direction the music leads them. this is especially true, when in the story, the fans came up with so many speculations as to why Tucker stopped playing, they made up all sorts of facts, they set up so many expectations for Tucker. there was so much hype that the man would be better off if he hadn't played anymore.

i would also like to say that i am disappointed because i know guys who are like Duncan. Duncan who would rather stay with Gina even though he wasn't happy anymore just because he didn't have the balls to tell her off or have the money to get his own place. Duncan who would exert so much effort traveling to all the places Tucker had been, writing about his life, his greatness, his wonderful talent but couldn't even compliment Annie for the little things she has done for him over the years they have been together. while they mostly have intellectual intercourse (because apparently familiarity kills the libido) and Annie is a worthy adversary, he tends to belittle her because he always has to be the more knowledgeable one of the two of them. he always has to be right. personally, while i like getting other people's opinions as it is healthy exercise for the brain and i don't agree with them most of the time, i certainly don't think i am better than them. i try to absorb whatever i can get and learn from it. Duncan is a stubborn ass. but then most men are.

***

i miss you. i keep thinking about you but i don't want to have to be the first one to say hello. not that it's a contest i keep losing but i know you're busy. i know you need me to vent on and i also know you'll end up just calling me on Saturday to ask how i am, like you have been ever since i left, but it's different this Saturday. this Saturday is my birthday. i don't want to hope or wish that you'll remember (i'm working with Nathan again and even he tends to forget) and i don't expect you to surprise me like you used to. i don't even know why i am feeling this way. i shouldn't second guess you or i might just hear you say, "o ye of so little faith" so i'm just going to let things happen if they will.

but i am allowed to miss you, aren't i?

because in Glee, everyone's a winner

2011-08-22T20:04:00.004+08:00

it came down to the final four. since they didn't know what to do, Ryan and Ian, creators of Glee, called back Lindsey, Sam, Alex and Damian to find out who would be the best person to create a character for in Glee Season 3. all the other nine contestants who didn't make it (or quit. remember Cameron quit?) were called back one last time to back them up, give them support as they performed for their lives to get a chance on the show.

i thought it was really sweet that Damian dedicated his last chance performance to Hannah and Cameron, his two best friends throughout this whole journey. you never know, but maybe Damian could be attracted to Hannah the way she is to him. we never really know what really happens in reality on reality TV so what was presented as a unilateral delusion may just as easily be a mutual understanding.

Cameron came back and as i said before, i love Sam. he's different and he projects himself to be wrapped up in his own world, despite being a Christian and stuff, but i don't know if Sam can portray the Christian character they say they need on Glee that Cameron actually is. i mean, being all that good and not having to be in the bottom three really bit his dreadlocked ass. it would be great to see how it all pans out for him, versatility-wise. after all, while they ask these kids to be themselves, to show their personality and their strengths and weaknesses, if the creators of Glee decide to write them up for something else, then they need not be themselves. they just need to sing and act and follow choreography. right?

so Damian and Sam won. Damian is just lovable and the one who had grown the most throughout the competition while Sam, like i said, has just been very good period, from a competition standpoint. Alex and Lindsay are given two-episode archs for season 3, which is like just setting them up to be an overbearing, more competitive fake Rachelle and an Afro-American Kurt. maybe for some weird reason they'll still manage to get Cameron, Hannah and Matheus and the rest of the Glee Project 1 hopefuls as extras for future shows so in actuality nobody really lost. Glee just had a pool of trainees to pick from. o di ba? after all, in Glee, losers win.

crazy, stupid, love

2011-08-21T23:47:00.003+08:00

we've heard the reviews, seen the trailer and Ryan Gosling's "photoshopped" abs so we decided to see the movie Crazy, Stupid, Love and i must say that i immensely enjoyed it.

and because i'm not really good at reviews just like the film critics i'm just going to tell the story like it is: Cal discovers that his wife Emily had an affair with a co-worker and is asking for a divorce. after he moves out the family home, he goes to a bar frequently to mope about how his wife cheated on him, catching the attention of womanizer Jacob. Jacob befriends Cal and turns him into a womanizer like himself because he claims that Cal lost his manhood which led his wife to cheat. his first encounter, after Jacob's "mentoring" was with Kate, who gets turned on by his honesty, and him not calling her back, just as Jacob had taught, would've been great and perfectly convenient, if she weren't his 13-year old son, Robbie's teacher.

Hannah is taking the bar the exam and Jacob hits on her but she turns him down because her boyfriend looks awfully like Josh Groban, except he's a lawyer here, not a singer. her friend, Liz played by Filipino-American actress Liza Lapira (seriously, you guys could've come up with a better name for her character) thinks she should've jumped on Jacob and dumped Josh. when Josh's proposal turns out to be an invitation to work for a law firm rather than marriage, she seeks out Jacob in the bar to have sex with him but they just talked. yeah, they just talked. i mean, that scene in Dirty Dancing is hot, but there are other ways to get a woman in bed.

anyway, Emily finds out that Cal has gone out with nine other women aside from Robbie's teacher so she decides to go have a date with the co-worker she cheated with, David Lindhagen played by Kevin Bacon. of course, Robbie, believes that Cal should get back together with Emily and dislikes David because he believes that his parents are soul mates the same way he and his babysitter Jessica are soul mates. only, Jessica is in love with Cal. nice 'no? so Cal seeks Jacob for advice on trying to win Emily back while Jacob asks Cal for advice on how to be a presentable boyfriend meeting Hannah's mother. who happens to be Emily. mas nice, 'no?

this movie may easily be an explanation of the theory of the six degrees of separation. from Kevin Bacon.

the movie is funny, smart and the twists were very much unexpected. but the underlying theme, which is love and fighting for it, that's what came out. Cal didn't approve of Jacob to be Hannah's boyfriend having seen him work the women in the bar at first but seeing how Hannah has changed him and how his son Robbie stopped believing in love, he worked on renewing Robbie's faith in love and reconnecting with Emily in the process. who says that love speeches are overrated? too bad not everyone who professes love in a public forum ends up living happily ever after. i had a smile on my face going out of the theater nonetheless. because we are all crazy. we are all stupid. we all love. and we all get a little crazy and stupid (some more stupid than others - yes, i am guilty!) when we love.

a postcard you should give to every strong, independent woman you know

2011-08-16T19:13:00.002+08:00

my friend Chris saw this card in one of the museums he went to and decided to get one for me and our other girl friends.

i like the message that it sends, not just to every Filipina, but to everyone in general. it shows a girl sporting a boy's cut, wearing the traditional Filipina outfit (a baro't saya, i forget) and elevated flipflops. it's so cool. what's even cooler is the message at the back:

I am Filipino, born, raised and living in the Philippines.
I am not backward, barbaric or warlike.
My house is not open to all.
I don't readily open my door to strangers.
I am not always hospitable.
I am kind and respectful and I expect the same treatment from others.
I am not rich.
I work hard to earn a living. It is my right to be paid my dues.
Doing domestic chores, manual labor and working as a babysitter in a foreign land aren't the only things I am cut out to do.
Whenever/If ever I save money I like to travel, to see the world and learn about new cultures.
I didn't apply for and get my visa to the United States with the intention of going there to land me an American citizen.
I have no intention of being an illegal alient in the US.
I like to travel, that's it.
I don't wash my clothes in the river.
Neither do I live in a tree.
I am not Catholic. I am not Protestant, Born Again, Opus Dei, El Shaddai or Muslim.
I do not belong to an organized religion.
I firmly believe in religious freedom and tolerance. I am not evil.
I do not eat dogs.
In fact, I do not eat meat.
I am vegetarian because I don't have a taste for killing.
I am not adept at handling a balisong, or inclined to dance the tinikling and I don't have a penchant for singing.
I don't know everything but I am not ignorant, naive or uninformed.
I read books. I study. I analyze issues.
I am not pliant, meek or docile.

Finally,
My country may be economically poor but I don't like being called provincial, or referred to as an exotic being from the islands and a third world citizen.

And, I suppose, neither do you.

pretty strong and yet, meaningful, isn't it?

it's like my life flashed before me

2011-08-14T23:14:00.004+08:00

the goal was to finish reading the book before the movie came out in Manila theaters. i finished it early this morning, or one week, to be exact. that's something i can say i can be proud of myself, considering i can't even get myself to pick up the other books that i bought.

it was the trailer that caught my attention, actually. that and the stack of books of the old cover that they were putting up on sale because the movie was going to be out soon and they wanted to sell at a much higher price the cover that featured the actors. of course, aside from the wonderful trailer featuring Anne Hathaway and Jim Sturgess (i heart him ever since Across the Universe), the idea of a book about friends who have been with each other for approximately twenty years got to me. who from the opposite sex have i been friends with for that amount of time? and what happened?

One Day is the story about two friends, Emma Morley and Dexter Mayhew, who had an almost-one-night-stand after their college graduation, and have been friends ever since. while there has always been that sexual tension between them, they did not ever explore what could've been between them until after they have both been involved with someone else (him, more than her, he was such an insensitive wanker) and it didn't work out. for all his insensitivity though, one of my favorite lines in the book, which is also featured on the back page, is this line Dexter wrote in one of his few letters to Emma:

"you're gorgeous, you old hag, and if I could give you just one gift ever for the rest of your life it would be this. Confidence. It would be the gift of confidence. either that or a scented candle."

Emma wanted to change the world through her writing and had always been Dexter's big supporter in his TV presenting career. he had always believed in her when she didn't believe in herself and while he knows and notices how wonderful a woman Emma is, he didn't find out how wonderful until it was too late.

as i read the book i felt more and more bad about myself. i could relate to the characters. it reminded me of those years when i was this masochistic rejection junkie. i don't even know why i was such a doormat, allowing people to take me for granted like that. there was jade, then link, and a bunch of other guys, and then there's you. i think, i'd like to think that i have grown over the years not to dwell on those thoughts anymore. i have realized that i cannot go on my life waiting on someone who doesn't love me back. and that thing that they always say about how you keep searching for something for so long when it was just right in front of you. IT DOESN'T HAPPEN. not in real life. well, not in my life anyway. i have always been dangling, whether intentionally or unintentionally, in front of someone, but somehow they never saw me that way and no one in my line of sight seems to be sticking around long enough for me to notice them pining over me. trust me, all four eyes of me were paying attention but there is no one there.

i wish i had my own "Dexter". not the serial killer Dexter but the One Day Dexter. maybe i do. but if i did, i wish i also had an "Ian" to make him realize that i have been here all this time.

and yet, that's why i love the book and anticipate the movie. i want to feel somehow that there is still hope for me, for someone i love and someone who will hopefully love me back, even if it does take some years in the making. if it is bound to happen, it should be wonderful, right? i have done time. it's only right that when it does happen, if assuming it will ever, then it will be wonderful and no one will regret wasting so much time ignoring what was just there because they have known all along.

it's a singing competition after all

2011-08-09T16:55:00.001+08:00

Hannah got booted out of the Glee Project.

sometimes i wish that Ryan Murphy isn't just there to pick out who's going home. he should also be there to check on the videos and homework assignments. Hannah won this week's homework assignment, she was believable. while she isn't the most talented singer in the group, she is a very capable young actress. well, she got distracted by Damian, but let's give it to her that she was believable, she was effective. she's someone, like Cameron, or Matheus, or Ellis, that you can watch and relate to on Glee. i don't understand why she was not on the call back list.

while i love Samuel and am a big fan of his voice, he wasn't effective for me. like Lindsey, who looked like she was forcing tears out of her eyes, he didn't make me feel anything. i didn't feel like i could relate to him pining over someone who didn't even know he existed. he just seemed like he could get anyone he wanted and even if he did like someone who didn't give him the time of day, you wouldn't really believe that he had that kind of problem.

Hannah had that problem. she had the hots for Damian but she wasn't confident enough to think that Damian would reciprocate what she felt. add to that her lack of self-esteem because of her weight. despite all of that, Hannah was, is funny. she is a great young actress who can sing. she can rap and she is someone people can watch and relate to on Glee. if Glee is still a show about how a bunch of school rejects turn to music to give them confidence and make them feel good about themselves, it shouldn't be about perfect people. it already stretched its boundaries by featuring gay and lesbian characters, i believe it should also send a message of self-love for those who don't look perfect - those with weight problems, height problems, just like when they got the girl to play Becky. Hannah, just like Ashley Fink's character, Lauren, could've done that. or Matheus.

now, all that's left are Damian, Samuel, Lindsey and Alex. i want to root for Alex, young African-American gay teenager with loads of talent. but i can't. he has the tendency to be overconfident, over-the-top, and flamboyant. Damian is too cute, Samuel is too attractive and too talented to be an outcast and Lindsey is fake. in my opinion, anyone who could've been a fun character to watch on Glee after graduating from the Glee Project has already either quit or not been called back. good luck there.

a welcome break from all the superhero movies

2011-08-06T23:18:00.010+08:00

Larry Crowne went to work just like he would any other day thinking that he would become employee of the month for the ninth time in a row only to find out that he is being fired from his job because he didn’t have a college education. having spent the last twenty years as a navy cook, he never had the opportunity or the time to go back to school, so he worked as a store attendant. since he cannot find a job, being in debt with the bank when he bought his ex-wife’s share of their house, he decided the only way he could get re-employed and get ahead is if he went back to school.

Mercedes Tainot has been drinking to ignore the fact that after all her efforts in educating the students at the community college, they have forgotten how to care. her husband likes to look at porn when she is not around, in the guise of working when he is supposed to be writing his new book. it has gotten to the point where they don't get each other anymore.

Larry and Mercy meet when he attends her class in English 217, Informal Remarks. kinda like Extemporaneous Speech that we had, you speak about a certain topic without any preparation whatsoever for the next two minutes or so. anyway, Mercy thinks that the younger woman that Larry hangs out with, Talia, is his girlfriend. when you do have an ex-husband who likes to check out younger girls with big knockers, you tend to think that every other guy is like that. Talia just finds Larry amusing and she helps him out with his wardrobe, his haircut, things that would make him look cooler being in college again. of course, it makes her boyfriend, Gordon, jealous, but she just means well and Larry is pretty much aware that she is young enough to be her daughter.

this movie is amazing because it makes you feel good. it reminds you to respect other people because of their race, age, sexual preference, religion, education. it also reminds you to always do the right thing, to face the consequences of your actions. it also talks about chivalry. because gentlemen never talk about what happened or did not happen between himself and a woman.

that night Larry gave Mercy a ride home, something could have happened between the two of them. they could've chosen to follow their bodily urges but they took a step back, not just because Mercy is married, but because they have a professor-student relationship which is a conflict of interest. these days, people forget that while they owe it to themselves to be happy, that there are certain boundaries that you are not supposed to cross. this movie reminds us that. aside from reminding us that we all need to focus on educating ourselves, whether in or out of school, for us to be better, it tells us that we should not allow our personal needs to cloud our judgment.

watching the movie Larry Crowne is a refreshing change from all the superhero movies that we have been bombarded with in the cinemas lately. like Tom Hanks' other movie, Forrest Gump, with Larry Crowne, it's like opening a box of chocolates: you never know what you're gonna get. in the end, i felt good that i came to see it.

naive but endearing

2011-08-06T22:19:00.005+08:00

Cameron shocked everyone when he decided to leave the competition after six weeks in The Glee Project. last week we fell in love with him when Lindsey stole a kiss from him and he broke down in tears and called his mom. that was so sweet and innocent. almost a bit naive but very much endearing. it made us want him to stay longer in the competition.

in the current Glee cast, we have a conservative, hopeless romantic gay teenager (Kurt), we have a scheming sexually active bisexual (Santana), a sexually active Jewish boy (Puck)who is still trying to get his full figured girlfriend to do it with him (Lauren), a horny Asian couple (Tina and Mike) and the president of the celibacy club who got pregnant by her boyfriend’s best friend (Quinn). so you can understand why Ryan Murphy, executive producer for Glee, wanted to keep Cameron. they don’t have a straight Christian character who will fight for what he believes in rather than give in to peer pressure and just do something because everybody else is doing it.

here was a guy who among 40,000 kids all across America, got to the final twelve because of his unique quirkiness. despite his natural charm as a singer, Cameron is awkward, gets picked on and is pretty much a geek, making him someone people will watch at Glee.

quitting because you feel selfish getting an opportunity someone would work harder for is a big sacrifice. Damian and Cameron have become best friends in this journey and Cameron quitting saved Damian from being eliminated. you don't see that everyday. while most kids, most actors right now, will go to great lengths just to get ahead in life, here was a kid who was giving it all up because he wanted to stick to the beliefs of his religion and how he was raised.

in the end, when Ryan finally asked Cameron if he wanted to leave or stay, and Cameron opted to leave, he said that Cameron could have touched so many lives. winning the Glee Project would've landed Cameron the seven-episode guest role on Glee, which would have been enough to develop a character that is both conservative, responsible, sweet, Christian. Cameron did not need those seven episodes. his weeks in the Glee Project have touched our hearts already.

handsome vampire gets our books burned again

2011-08-03T09:16:00.002+08:00

i heard this on the news early today.

i found another reason to hate Twilight.

i’ve been very vocal that i don’t like Twilight since i’m a big fan of Anne Rice, The Vampire Chronicles, the Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the Angel series. so you could say that my definition of vampires is pretty old school. well, not old school like literally old school. i just think that the Twilight vampires are pretty lame. sorry.

anyway, our wonderful people from the Department of Customs just realized how much money they could make off of taxing the import of the Twilight books. that’s just great. so every other book that’s going to be imported from other countries, even the educational books, will have to pay the same import tax. books are expensive enough as it is and putting a levy on them when they’re brought over to the country will only make these books more expensive. how the hell will we be able to benefit and learn from the books if we can’t even afford them?

it wasn't too long ago, and maybe we were either too young to remember or because we are a nation that forgets easily but they have tried to make money out of the books, the same way they've tried to make money out of cigarettes and booze, but since these things are for our education, more than anything, the effort to try to put import taxes on books were shelved. now that the Twilight movie saga is about to reach its climax, they're bringing it up again, hoping to get additional revenue.

while i believe that the internet is a good source of information, i still believe that nothing beats good old fashion writing. nobody reads the books anymore, they just rely on Google. i love Google, i love Wikipedia, but i also love the feel of paperbacks on my hand, the scent of each page, as i read them. books are still the greater, better source of information, education. if books become more expensive, we encourage resort to the internet and not all reliable information can be found there. we also encourage delinquency and sloth. kids won't want to read anymore. they'll want to stop reading and dreaming and educating themselves. they'd want to stop studying. i don't know. it was so much different then and now. maybe i am old school at heart.

PNoy, if the bill ever gets to be on your desk, VETO it.

one of them movies that make you laugh, cry, make you appreciate friends. and bathrooms.

2011-08-01T01:08:00.004+08:00

my friends and i saw the movie Bridesmaids tonight. it was hilarious. we just couldn’t stop laughing.

Bridesmaids is the story of Annie and Lillian (Kristine Wiig and Maya Rudolph of Saturday Night Live) who have been best friends since childhood. While Lillian is engaged to be married and everything seems to be going right for her career, Annie has had it rough: her bakery went bankrupt so she is working at a jewelry store whose owner did it as a favor for her mother being an AA sponsor; her roommate has no respect for her personal space and the hot guy she’s banging just wants to be friends with benefits. on top of that, Lillian’s other friend Helen (Rose Byrne) seems to be competing with her as maid of honor and better friend. Annie gets so stressed out that it affected her driving on the way home that Nathan (Chris O'Dowd), a police officer thought that she was driving under the influence. they soon become friends but at the sign of a possibly good thing between them, she runs off. Lillian and Annie argue because Helen stole Annie’s Paris idea for the bridal shower. they didn’t make amends until the actual wedding day when Lillian disappeared on Helen due to cold feet and only Annie knew where to find her (with the help of Nathan, of course) and make her push through with the wedding.

i know, i know – i’m not selling the movie the way it should be since it’s such a great movie and i’m not making it interesting enough.

i love the movie because it was made by women, for women. it tackles some of the issues that i’m dealing with on some level. although i haven’t really gone down that low in terms of what’s happening in my life that’s depressing; and trust me, there are really days when it gets really depressing and i tend to pity myself, i can truly say i’m fine. there are days when i may feel so left out by my friends, in terms of having a family or a successful career, but i get by. i still find what i do fulfilling and maybe that’s what Annie missed at first: that you do have friends who care for you and they may change and outgrow you at some level but they will always be there for you; you shouldn’t stop what you love doing because of fear of failing. she also failed to see how great she is so she just settled for just being someone’s number three on the booty speed dial when there’s this really great guy who can offer her so much more.

i also loved the movie because we couldn’t stop laughing. it was very intelligent humor. i was laughing so hard i almost fell off my seat, and tears were falling from my eyes. it was that funny. go watch it with your friends. i know one of the reasons i enjoyed it as much as i did was because it was a smart and funny film and i was with friends who understood it and understood me.

boot camp on being slushied

2011-07-26T08:48:00.003+08:00

i'm a big fan of reality shows. while i am aware that not all of them are real, the idea of cameras following your every move, being able to talk to a confessional booth about someone or something, has amazed me. not that i'm narcissistic. i just find it interesting what people will do to be famous.

i blog but i don't think i need that much attention. the thought has occurred to me. it would be nice if a camera followed me wherever i went. i would just watch gigs every chance i get to promote the independent music scene here in the PHL. i'd fly out to the provinces to promote the culture we have, not just the beaches, but our history, being a Spanish colony before and all. yes, yes, if i became a reality show star, i would be the ambassador of tourism for Manila, Philippines. the things, places, people i can feature and write about! i don't have a love life so that's the best i can come up with.

***

Glee producers have jumped on the bandwagon of star-making via reality TV and came up with a show called the Glee Project. it features the best twelve of all the people who have submitted demos, videos, letters from all of the US who want to be a part of the Glee phenomenon.

the show is very engaging. i look forward to seeing who will get the seven-episode bit on Glee. after all, the cast will "graduate" soon.

Hannah is one of my favorites because she doesn't try too hard to be someone she's not. you can see that she's struggling with some of the challenges but she doesn't lose her heart because you can feel that she's in there to win it just like everyone else. she's the total opposite of Ashley Fink's character, Lauren Zizes, in Glee. while Lauren is very much confident with herself and her sexuality, Hannah is awkward. she could very much play Lauren's younger sister or cousin who moved to McKinley High.

Cameron (with glasses), Damian (shocked Irish look) and Sam (dreadlocks)

of course, i'm a big fan of the boys. the New Directions have too many girls (and gays, and lesbians!!!) and it would be nice if we could have someone just like Chord Overstreet's character, Sam. we need someone new, except that he is one who is there because he likes the music, not just because he wants to be a star. he doesn't have to get the girls but he has to be likeable.

Sam, Damian and Cameron all have distinct likeable lead male character qualities. Damian's the Irish boy who needs to fit in well in an American setting; Sam's the unique musician who gets all the ladies but is actually the mysterious one with a past and Cameron's the Christian schoolboy, very conservative and introverted but still very much talented. all, including Hannah, can be stars of Glee, for me. but then, i'm not Ryan Murphy. i don't call the shots.

so lately, this show has been one of my guilty pleasures. i love Glee. i love that they feature old as well as new songs on their repertoire. it makes me appreciate the crap on the radio as sometimes Lea Michele, et al singing it transforms the song into something really magical and memorable. it makes me glad that they introduced Fleetwood Mac to a younger generation (no, Gwyneth Paltrow is not the original singer of Landslide) of music lovers, those whose parents weren't flower children or freedom fighters. i love that Glee has opened doors to untapped talent via the Glee Project. sure, whoever the winner of the show is, will earn fame as a manufactured artist (didn't we say this about Rivermaya when they first started but we loved them anyway?), having been borne out of a reality show, but there are worst ways one can get fame. let's just be happy they didn't have to shed skin and be victims of child pornography to get there.

here's where the story ends . . .

2011-07-22T16:44:00.002+08:00

You knew this was coming, didn’t you?

Surprise, surprise.

“ . . . I’ve never been too good with names but I remember faces . . . “
– It’s a Shame about Ray, The Lemonheads

I believe there is a reason why people cross paths. You can learn something from them or they can learn something from you. Every time I meet someone I realize something about myself. If I don’t, I always hope that meeting me changed the other person in a way. Just like when people experience things, it’s always for a reason. Good or bad, it changes you, tries to make a different, hopefully, better person out of you. So we should always embrace the change, no matter how difficult it may be. The reason will present itself in time.

So I am leaving in the hope that somehow I have made some minuscule difference in your lives. That our encounters, good or bad, perpetual or fleeting, may have taught you something, as I know I have learned from you; that I, no matter how minimal, was able to help you, the same way you all have helped me. If I ever offended you in any way, it came with the territory and I apologize. I am grateful to all of you for all that I have learned and experienced. I will never forget that. You have made this angst-ridden soul’s life a little more meaningful and a lot less sadder. Maybe even a little saner.

I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately,
I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life,
To put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die
Discover that I had not lived
- Dead Poets Society

I’ve never really been good at saying goodbyes; it causes incessant secretion from my tear glands, so I won’t.

“. . . well, I’ve been afraid of changing ‘cause I built my world around you . . . “
- Landslide

(my full name)
Executive Assistant
Princess of RCBC
Goddess of Shaw

*this was the last email i sent everyone in the office yesterday morning, before they deactivated my access.

who will go?

2011-07-19T16:18:00.004+08:00

last week, my friend had a birthday concert where i was a guest performer. we were supposed to sing a duet together, aside from the two songs that i have selected (thank God! normally, whenever we're at that place, they choose my songs for me) to perform. it was a fun experience. i haven't done that in a while so i liked the idea, even though i was reluctant at first.

after i sang, a lot of our office colleagues came up to me, asking me when my show is going to be and if i'd do it on my birthday as well. they seemed to genuinely like the sound of my voice and while i was embarrassed, i'm glad they did.

come to think of it, when M and i were still together, i really wanted to do my own repertoire. it's just that she didn't think people recognized the songs i wanted to sing. sure, they're not mine but that's the whole point: if through me, people can hear how good these songs are, they might just listen to them too. of course, we always fought about it. she always won because i let her and because the show wasn't just about me, it was about others too. you know, raising funds, sharing the limelight with the other band members. we had to consider the target audience too, so my acquiescence didn't necessarily mean she was right. it just meant that she is more inclined to bend and compromise what she listened to and sang and i didn't.

so if i were to have my own show, and this i told the people who asked me, if i did, no one would come to see it. i don't think they're familiar with most of the songs i want to sing and i know the few who are, won't be there to see me perform. these were the songs i wish i had written myself. but anyway, here are the songs:

1. Possession by Sarah McLachlan
2. My Favorite Mistake by Sheryl Crow
3. Rolling in the Deep by Adele
4. You Oughta Know by Alanis Morissette
5. Sleeps With Butterflies by Tori Amos
6. Dreams by The Cranberries
7. Decode by Paramore (or The Only Exception - slightly overused by pop artists)
8. Bring Me To Life by Evanescence
9. I Touch Myself by The Divinyls (yes, there's a song about masturbation bound to come out of there sometime)
10. Who Will Save Your Soul by Jewel (or You Were Meant for Me, as it is more apt to reach a wider audience)
11. Because the Night by 10,000 Maniacs
12. Piece of My Heart by Janis Joplin (overused by American Idol contestants)
13. Never is a Promise by Fiona Apple (or Criminal, because it is more upbeat)
14. Inseparable by Natalie Cole
15. I Don't Do Sadness/Blue Wind from the Spring Awakening OST duet with some guy
16. Dancing by Elisa
17. Maps by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs
18. Huling Yakap ng Mundo by Imago (or Akap or Sundo)
19. Maybe by Up Dharma Down

there are other songs i like which i can't remember from the top of my head at the moment. some of the above mentioned songs don't really showcase my range, but they're the ones i imagine myself performing in front of a crowd. these are songs i know not many people would pay to hear me sing, mainly because some of them aren't what you would normally hear over the radio, unless that station happens to be the now-reformatted NU107 or JAM 88.3, which i doubt people listen to. i mean, i'm not trying to undermine people, but those who know me, like really know me, know that i wouldn't sing from the heart unless it is a song that i really believe in.

so if i had a show singing these songs, will YOU go? and if you did, do you think you'll like them?

the third restaurant

2011-07-02T20:37:00.004+08:00

when you and i were in cebu, you were so drunk you couldn't remember the last restaurant we went to, before you spilled your guts out in between my legs.

two days ago, eight bottles of wine and a pool made me realize how you feel about that third restaurant.

i don't remember what happened. well, i don't remember everything. i do recall being in the pool. about having an argument with this and that person. about crying and making somebody else feel like shit they cried too. and that. and i yelled a lot.

i wish i could do it over again so i'd remember what it feels like. i wanted to enjoy it, feel good about it, under normal circumstances. i wanted it to be special, not just for me but for you. guess we can't do that anymore.

i can't begin to tell you how much i appreciate you being there for me. i can't tell you how much happy you made me. i don't remember much and i'm hoping that while you hang it over my head whatever it was i couldn't recall, that i didn't cause you any harm or make too much of a fool out of myself.

***
while most people have come up with interpretations that this song was about abuse and incest, it's just simply about Robert Patrick's (lead vocalist for Filter) experience on board a plane, when he was drunk, took off his clothes and had arguments with the flight attendants for stopping him.

Take a Picture
Filter

Awake on my airplane
Awake on my airplane
My skin is bear
My skin is theirs
Awake on my airplane
Awake on my airplane
My skin is bare
My skin is theirs
I feel like a newborn
And I feel like a newborn
Awake on my airplane
Awake on my airplane
I feel so real

(Chorus:)
Could you take my picture
'Cuz I won't remember
Could you take my picture
'Cuz I won't remember
Could you take my picture
'Cuz I won't remember
Yeah

I don't believe in
I don't believe in
In your sanctity
Your privacy
I don't believe in
I don't believe in
Sanctity
A hypocrisy
Could everyone agree that
No one should be left alone
Could everyone agree that
They should not be left alone yeah
And I feel like a newborn
And I feel like a newborn
Kicking and screaming

(Chorus)

Hey dad what do you think about your son now
Ah hey dad what do you think about your son now

(Chorus x4)

green is the will to overcome the fear

2011-06-19T20:02:00.005+08:00

Green means:
Go
Plants
Save the environment

Yellow means:
Slow down
Citrus fruits
M’s favorite color

I love Ryan Reynolds. I still can’t forgive him for breaking up with Alanis Morissette, but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s a wonderful actor. He’s smart, sexy and most of all, he’s very funny. It made me happy that he was chosen to play the role of Green Lantern. We need really hot smart and funny super heroes. Saving the planet is already a seriously daunting task. We need someone great enough to do it who doesn’t have to make it look like he’s suffering. We need someone relatable, make it look like we can do our own little world saving.

In the movie Green Lantern, yellow represents fear and how it eats up each and every one of us, how powerful it can be when we let it get the better of us while green represents our will to overcome that fear. Here, we also see Ryan Reynolds as fighter pilot Hal Jordan who has spent his whole life living up to his father’s reputation as one of the greatest pilots who ever lived. Since his father’s death, people have been giving him a hard time about filling those shoes and while he is one of the best (his childhood sweetheart happens to be the other one) fighter pilots, trying to be as great as his father is not on the top of his list. he's just trying to get by.

when the owner of the ring, Abin Sur, is weakening, he sends out the ring to go and choose its new champion and the ring chooses Hal. Hal, the accidental and reluctant hero starts the training but hesitates because he is scared that he might not deserve the ring. he is afraid it might be too much responsibility and he will fall short of expectations. meanwhile, their other childhood playmate, Hector, the son of the senator and also secretly in love with Carol, is tasked to be the one to do the autopsy of Abin Sur and is infected by Parallax, the essence of fear. he embraces the power willingly as he gets to inflict pain on his father and Carol and Hal.

i like the line that Hal used in order to ask for help from the other green lantern corps. i can't remember it exactly but i admired how he used being human not as a weakness (in the movie, he initially backs out on responsibility by saying he is only human) but as a strength, one that allows us to overcome our fear, to be helpful to our fellow humans and inhabitants of the planet.

he is right. we are human. how you use that, whether as inspiration to overcome obstacles and discover new things or as a deterrent to get off responsibility, it is entirely up to you.

of mutant pride and eight-legged aliens who want to go home

2011-06-13T08:13:00.003+08:00

it’s been a while since i last saw a movie so after watching over cheer dance practice i thought i’d ask a friend to go with me to watch X-Men: First Class.

when i saw that they were showing the X-Men prequel, i wanted so much to see it. of course, James McAvoy playing Charles Xavier was one of the factors but i was really interested to know how everything started. unlike most people who are big comic book fanatics, i only found out about them when the movies started coming out and i have to say that i really am fascinated. but unlike most people, i didn’t get to watch the movie until its second week. other than the fact that i’m so tired from work, being sorta behind everybody else was a little frustrating.

so the movie takes us to when Charles and Erik were still kids, teenagers. they’re starting to discover their powers and abilities and other people like them. while Erik spent most of his life fighting for survival, being Jewish during the Nazi invasion, Charles had it relatively easy. he and Moira (Mystique) had been friends even before he and Erik had been friends. when the movies came out, we always thought that Mystique was Erik’s right hand but she was actually Charles’s best friend who was probably even secretly in love with him at the time. the movie shows how Erik met Charles and how their great friendship started. how Charles had a way of calming Erik, taking away his anger (i know i am making their friendship sound a little gay, but not intentionally) and making him use his power to the full potential and learning how to manipulate it, without needing to be angry all the time. they found others just like them and trained them how to control their powers instead of the other way around.

but it was also the time of wars. it was the time when the war had just ended and all the countries were trying to make peace so understanding mutants were last on the list of priorities. and you know how man is, always hating, always fighting what they cannot understand, making it more difficult for mutants to blend in.

the movie is great and i don't understand why i waited so long to watch it.

***

Super 8 is the new movie from producer/director Steven Spielberg. it’s about a bunch of teenagers trying to film their own zombie movie in the town of Lily, Ohio.

i zoned off for a while.

then i suddenly understand the story. the alien has been in the planet for a while but since we humans like to do experiments, it didn't have enough to leave the planet. so it was trying its best to get all that it can to make another spaceship while the military is trying its best to keep the information from the people and stop it from leaving at the same time. everyone was confused except for the kids, especially the sheriff's son, who wanted to go to the bottom of this and save his crush.

it reminded me of E.T. because all it wanted was to go home while a bunch of kids wanted to keep him as a house pet. the kids of Super 8 didn't really want a house pet, they just wanted to make a zombie movie and be accepted by their crush.

in the end, the alien gets to go home and the teenagers finish their movie about zombies.

***

mutants. aliens. humans. it all boils down to acceptance. unless you learn to accept who you are, you won't be able to get people to accept you. more often than not, people won't take the time to try to understand you. they will understand what they want to understand. that's where the conflict starts. whether it's humans against mutants or humans against aliens or even humans against humans, if we don't try to understand the other side, there will always be misunderstanding that will lead to battles, wars and casualties.

it always helps to be a little open.

i don't need to be an english major to do this - i don't even have to have any training background

2011-06-12T06:35:00.004+08:00

so i have been sending out applications within and outside of the company i'm currently working for because i want to be able to do something different, if not move to a different working environment. it is difficult to move to something else, especially if you've been awesome at what you do, people don't really want you to do something else or go anywhere else. that or people think that that's the only thing you can do even if your education or capabilities speak otherwise.

case in point was an application i sent internally. the position was for an English Communications Officer. this was going to be that part of the training department that makes sure that you speak well to your customers and there is no language barrier between you. so i thought i'd take a shot at it since i do have exceptional written and communication skills (if in doubt, i ask my two American bosses), and while i haven't really taught other people in a classroom setting, i have been a mentor before. so you can just imagine how pissed i was when one of the people from this department who doesn't know how to construct her sentences right, sends me an email telling me that i need a background in training in order to apply for the job.

WHO THE FUCK DOES SHE THINK SHE IS?!?!?!?!?!

for starters, her boss already responded to me, politely. her boss didn't shut me but she told me that the one other position i wanted to apply for really needed training experience. fine, i get THAT. but the other position doesn't necessarily need it. i know they're just pooling right now. but you know. besides, didn't all trainers start from nothing except their product knowledge before they became trainers? don't all team leaders all start from being agents until they are given the opportunity to step up and lead other people?

if we're going to turn down everyone just because they don't have this or they don't have that before we even see what they can do, or what they have in them then we will never develop as a country, as a people, as human beings. shouldn't we give people a chance before we even judge them? if you're going to shoot me down before giving me a chance when you don't even call the shots, and this is considering that you and i are both from the same company before these people bought us, then you are no different from them who are part of this company that bought us who don't like us just because they think they're better than we are.

and, hello?! this may be bad of me to say, but since you pissed me off too badly because of what you said, which even if i think about it, like maybe you just made a mistake in saying it, so i shouldn't be mad at you. but you did mean it, and not because you just don't really know how to express yourself in english properly because otherwise, you wouldn't find it necessary to add the smiley face after saying that i needed training background to apply for this joint. then why the hell can't you deliver the people that we need for our operations ramps? why do you keep losing all the papers that i forward to you?

i don't want to be mean. i am rarely mean and even if i was, i feel about it afterwards. call me bitter and yeah, it will take a while for me to get over it. i can forgive what she said but not right now. and i feel horrible that i feel this way because i wouldn't last in a job where i report directly to an American boss, talk to numerous foreign clients, and send correspondence in english if i didn't think i was going to be good at it to actually apply for this other role. so telling me i need to be a trainer first so you won't interview me or give me a chance to apply for a role really pisses me off.

that's it. i'm done venting. still mad but it's not like i'm going to annihilate the person when i see her at work. i just feel really bad that there are actually people that insensitive.

googling wedding songs

2011-06-12T06:06:00.004+08:00

my friend Beth is getting married next year and as early as now, she's been bugging our friend Chris to look up really nice wedding songs for her. like me, Chris very much doesn't want those old boring traditional songs to be played in Beth's wedding.

yes, there's a possibility i will sing in her wedding. or wear pink. the things we do for the ones we love. i may not necessarily believe in marriage but i respect other people who do and more than anything, i want the people close to me to find that everlasting legal binding love. Beth has suffered too much to not be happily married.

i heard this in the finale of Bones Season 6 while Angela was giving birth. i didn't know that it was also used in Prince William and Kate Middleton's wedding as their first dance. Chris thinks it's a stalker song. well, you know me, i'm into break up songs, songs of unrequited love, stuff like that and i don't want anything conventional. so i fell in love with this song by Adele.

Make You Feel My Love

When the rain is blowing in your face,
And the whole world is on your case,
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear,
And there is no one there to dry your tears,
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love.

I know you haven't made your mind up yet,
But I would never do you wrong.
I've known it from the moment that we met,
No doubt in my mind where you belong.

I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue,
I'd go crawling down the avenue.
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love.

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret.
Though winds of change are throwing wild and free,
You ain't seen nothing like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.
Nothing that I wouldn't do.
Go to the ends of the Earth for you,
To make you feel my love

we don't always find the love we want and even when we do, there's no guarantee that they'll love us back. but it shouldn't stop us from making them feel that.

the unbroken link between me and Link

2011-06-06T15:52:00.002+08:00

last night i went out with my classmates from high school. it has been years since i last saw them and i was a bit apprehensive about showing up. you know how it is when you meet people you haven’t seen for a while, they tend to ask you questions you don’t want to answer because you don’t know the answer to them or you just simply don’t want to hear the truth yourself. questions like: what are you doing now? do you have a boyfriend/husband already? shit like that.

i also didn’t want to show up because of the initial awkwardness i would feel seeing either Link or Jade again. Link recently got married and his wife just gave birth while Jade and i had this fight over text about how much of an asshole he was. i wasn’t looking forward to getting laid seeing it was that time of the month, but i sorta knew that if i saw either of them, it would come up.

Jade was still in the studio so chances are, he wasn’t going to make it. Link showed up. i kinda knew judging by the way he looked at me that it was there – the whole smiling thing he and i had a few years back. he was still hoping he could collect, after all my disclaimers: dirty house, monthly period, his marital status. i even told him about this young guy from work with the same marital status, who wanted to be “violated” and Link said that unlike that guy, he didn’t have a problem with a dirty house so you could tell that he was being very persistent. you’d think that since i haven’t been sexually active for the last forty-four months i would jump at the chance to get in bed with someone but here i was discouraging it.

i’d like to think that over the years i have changed or at least, my emotional quotient has increased. i no longer find myself in compromising situations and if i have, i try my best to do the right thing. case in point: Cebu. i liked this guy very much and i had all the opportunity to seduce him had i wanted to but we preferred to look the other way and respect each other. case in point#2: Marikina. we were both tired but i knew that if i tried to do something, somehow he would’ve reciprocated (or refused, either way, i would find out had i done something) but i didn’t. i couldn’t risk it. the friendship was too important.

i come to think now, that i do have this thing for assholes (Link said, “Ouch!” when i said this and yet he was still hoping to get laid, which confirmed it) because only a guy who comes out as strong as an asshole can make me bend my will (just like you did last Saturday – but don’t ever do that again as i have a name. i love that you apologized because you knew, i loved that somehow you could control me to a certain degree as if i were some kid – again, attractive and irritating at the same time) or succumb to my carnal needs. just like Link. to his credit, i find that he gives more weight to what i say better than Jade does. Jade is just that guy who takes everything that you give for granted but he doesn’t thank you for it because you give it all freely. he will never reciprocate or acknowledge the fact that you do everything for him. the thank you comes as an afterthought but there is no remorse. and all this time, after Link has made me the cold and unfeeling person that i am, i never thought that i would be grateful to him than i would Jade who was supposed to be “the more sensitive one”. yes, Jade, with all his pain and depth, is the bigger ass.

Link apparently still has that effect on me, or i to him. i told him about this conversation i had with Jade before when i was still immature and hoping that he and i would end up together. i just thought it weird and a big disservice to me that after all the years of friendship, it was perfectly acceptable that we had this carnal relationship but it never evolved into something deep and meaningful like an actual relationship, with commitment. di ba? Link just owned up to being an ass. obviously he was thinking with his second head. he didn't apologize but he never really pretended to be all nice guy goody two shoes with me. after all, he was the one who made me numb. he was the one who taught me not to care, that it was perfectly fine to have "something but not really" with someone.

i thought of you. ALL DAY. i thought of you, while with him. then i thought, you couldn’t care less what happened to me (except i feel and know you do), so why should i stop doing something that could be immensely enjoyable for me? of course i didn’t, given all the limitations i enumerated above. it didn’t have to be you. you and i have settled and discussed that i don’t think of you that way (even though that incident in the room made me curious) so it doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that it wasn’t you. it just simply wasn’t me anymore. i’ve matured.

Link is hoping to have a go with me again, that way. i’m having second thoughts because it has been a while but undoubtedly, that second thought isn’t coming from my brain but some other part of my anatomy. it would have been fun. but i know that i’m not just after fun anymore. i’m so much better than that and i definitely deserve nothing less.

first trip out of the country: a weekend of no smoking, crossing boundaries and changing time zones

2011-05-31T03:40:00.007+08:00

Day 1
It is embarrassing that the airport that hosts most of the international departures and arrivals here in Manila is also one of the ugliest airports all over the world. We probably had at least three brownouts before even leaving the country. it was pretty boring, not being able to go out and smoke. It starts, the countdown. A lot of people have been advising me to slip in a few cigarettes, since we will just make a quick stop to Singapore before reaching Thailand but I didn’t want to risk it.

When we get to Singapore, I noticed that everyone was going the wrong way, meaning taking the left side as their right of way. It was confusing at first, bumping into people but I got used to it. I think we only spent about an hour and a half there, just taking quick pictures of the Merlion and the other buildings before preparing for our next flight.

Upon landing in Phuket, we set out our tours for the next two days so that we wouldn’t waste the time out here. While they were haggling with the man, I helped myself to getting a pack of cigarettes. It’s funny how it says that the pack was made in Batangas but it doesn’t taste anything like the cigarettes here in Manila. I lasted fourteen hours before I got to my first cigarette out here.

There were so many motorcycles in Phuket. More motorcycles than there are actual cars and other vehicles. There are many prostitutes too. Apparently, it is legal to do tricks here for men, women and transvestites. The Patong night life reminds me of what Malate used to look like when we still had the US Military Bases here. Many foreigners. Many kids in the street. Many scalpers. Many scammers. But then, you can get that anywhere in the world. If I did, maybe I shouldn’t have left Manila then.

Day 2
While in Thailand, a lot of people are very respectful, I still think that the RP remains to be the most hospitable country in the entire planet. Case in point, here in Thailand I realized that when you haggle to get the least price for a service, you are getting exactly what you are paying for. You pay so-so for a service then you get crappy service. The trip to the beach we had lasted at least three hours in a packed boat and we only spent one hour in the beach where the boat didn’t even take us safely to shore, just in case there were some of us who didn’t know how to swim. There are Filipinos who would scam you for this and that, but at least they have the courtesy to get you to the shore. They don’t assume that you know how to swim. I was so disappointed with that whole beach trip. Not to mention, I burnt my forehead. Our beaches are even more beautiful than theirs. Maybe they’re equally beautiful, I just got tired of swimming to get to land so my judgment is impaired and I’m greatly furious. I had to swim for both my friend and me so we won’t die. We could’ve died. so much for enjoying snorkeling.

I also noticed, being in a different country, that everything tastes different here. Like food, water, even soda, have this bitter aftertaste. Like herbs and spices. I don’t know why. Maybe if they went to our country, they would’ve said the same thing about our food, our water, our cigarettes.

We look for a place to get an authentic Thai massage. Yes, no additional service (meaning sex) needed. I just needed to get rested and no better way to do that than to pamper your whole body. That was the best. I think that was the best thing out of this whole trip. I don’t get to be pampered when I’m at home (meaning Manila) because I’m too worried I’d enjoy it not to go to work. besides, the last time I got a massage in Manila, it was more of a beating than it was pampering.

Oh my God, why does everybody here think that I’m pregnant?! I love eating. I can afford to eat a lot and I have more time to stuff food in my mouth than I do getting rid of all this fat so just give me the damn massage.

Day 3
It’s a Sunday and we’re all having breakfast and you ask me how I am. You even wanted to call me. it’s just too sad that I can’t talk to you, even if I wanted to. Besides, the whole idea of this trip, or at least, one of the ideas about being in this trip was to try not to make any contact with you. I can’t do that if I’m still worrying about how you are over there while I’m out here and vice versa. But thank you for asking, though.

We visited temples. The original gold Buddhas are in Bangkok but the ones we checked out here almost look like the same thing. I just wish there were translations for the signs on every Buddha pose. we wanted to go to church and we had our driver take us to church. Of course, he sees a cross, he thinks it’s a Catholic church so the nice ladies told him where to take us. we say our own prayers for safe journey back home. I just wish that I still have occupation when I get back, that’s all.

we drive to the mall, they think we’re from all sorts of places. To them, we all look the same, sound the same. The same way they all look and sound the same to us. It’s so hard to get anywhere when there’s a language barrier. Unlike Singapore, not too many people in Thailand know how to speak in English and unlike Singapore, there aren’t too many Filipinos working in Thailand so there’s some sort of gap.

We had another foot pampering session and I was surprised with all the tools they were using. Of course, they invented the art so no questioning the tools they use, right? When we got home, we started packing our bags.

Day 4
We do last minute checking of our bags, tickets, money. I try to send a message through to a friend to see how the weather is back here and to know how you are through other people before I finally get there. I get my answer. I’m back and I’m hoping to see you when I get to the office but I don’t. I haven’t even been really back yet and yet, I already have too much to do. I have people blaming me that I’m not here so they can’t do their jobs. I’m here all the time and people can’t do their jobs properly. It’s like they can’t do without me so what difference does it make?

So you do get mad and you let me know that I should go home since it’s a US holiday anyway and you tell me that I’m tired from my trip so I should eat first then go home. you even said you would’ve dropped by just to join me but I didn’t ask you anymore since I know you’re tired too. You needed a break too.

Home at last. Sleep.

what IS wrong with me?

2011-05-26T22:47:00.003+08:00

this afternoon when i woke up, while i was doing my last minute pack-and-check, i had the TV on with Bones as my background. they were investigating the murder of an extreme bike rider. it was also the episode that Booth was proposing to his girlfriend Hannah.

Hannah turned him down, saying she wasn't the marrying kind. next scene we find Seeley drinking more than usual at the Founding Fathers where Temperance joins him. he says that in his life, he has only loved three women: Rebecca, whom he had a child with, Parker; Temperance and then Hannah. he had loved them so much and while they felt the same way about him they didn't wish to marry him. he was questioning himself because the women that he cared for didn't like what he had to offer.

which made me think: how many people have i really loved in this life so far? and who among them actually gave me the time of day?

none of them did.

my best friend of sixteen years, i have loved him since i laid eyes on him. i tried to be there for him when i can. but he never saw me that way.

my other best friend for just about the same amount of time as the last one, played around with me for as long as i can remember but he never saw me that way either.

it's almost like i wanted people to treat me like a doormat, like shit. i loved these people until i finally realized how stupid i was. of course, knowing my patience and endurance, it does take a while for me to realize my stupidity.

then there's you. i'm good with you not being in love with me. i've accepted it. i've gotten over it. it seems like what we've gone through together, the friendship we've had has seen so many tough times over the last two years we have been together.

so now, i'm going to tell you what Booth told Bones (in essence): i enjoy our partnership. i'm just going to keep on working with you and making the most of our friendship. i like working with you. i love what we have. i'm not going to expect you to give more than what you can actually give. in the same way, i am not expected to give more than what i can actually give other than my friendship.

there is nothing wrong with me. i don't think there's anything wrong with me. even if there was, as i am not perfect, i am well-adjusted enough to try to figure out what it is and try to fix it, not so other people will like me but so that i will like myself. when i finally like myself, love myself, then other people will follow suit. i have faith.

we are all Survivor contestants

2011-05-16T18:18:00.006+08:00

i've been a fan of Survivor for as long as i can remember. i'm not as hooked to it as i was before. i never realized that in the course of eleven years, Survivor is already on its twenty-second season. on his fourth attempt, Rob Mariano finally won Survivor.

Rob has been a very colorful personality on Survivor. i saw him at Marquesas and at the All-Stars series, where he met and lost to his now-wife Amber. it was a great move, what he did, proposing marriage to her, right before the results.

being a fan, i know that people join the show so they can either be famous or rich, since there is a million dollars at stake. people go to great lengths just to be able to join the show because they think that that amount of money can change their life. you don't win, you get to be popular and it all depends on you how you utilize those fifteen minutes of fame. nobody ever joins Survivor just so they can learn something about themselves. i guess i'm just pissed off as to how people in the jury, who have the power to award someone the million dollars have this holier-than-thou attitude, saying that they still have their dignity and they didn't compromise their principles just to get ahead of the game. it's their right, i mean, i can't blame them for being bitter, having been voted off and not winning the money. but them saying that they still have their principles, that's bullshit. they would've done the same thing when it all comes down.

Rob won because he had the best game. he and everybody else who wins a million dollars on that show, at some point, had to ride on
somebody's coattails, had to manipulate other people into voting somebody off to get further. that he beat otherpeople to it doesn't necessarily follow he's a scheming son of a bitch in real life. it only means that he's smarter in the game than everybody else.

we're all Survivor contestants. we try to survive the traffic, the heat, the dirty politics, the poverty. we all at some point manipulate other people or let other people manipulate us just to get a little bit ahead in life. we have a little bit of Rob in all of us, whether we admit it or not. we're just all too ashamed to come to terms with it. Rob in Survivor is the little evil in all of us.

revisiting Twisted 6

2011-05-14T15:52:00.005+08:00

i'm reading Twisted 6 right now. i bought it in the store again since i couldn't find anything interesting to read. i have all of Jessica Zafra's books but it was one of those books that M got when we broke up. even though she and i are already talking, i don't think "give me back my stuff" is one of those things she would like to talk about or hear from me.

Twisted 6 was written at the time we as a country decided we didn't want a crook who pretended to represent the poor steal more money from us. most of you who voted for him (because i didn't) tried to avoid the traditional politicians with their law degrees and voted for someone supposedly relatable - he was an actor who didn't speak good english but he was very good with the masses. so for people to find out that the very man we banked our hopes on to free this nation of poverty, poor health care, bad politics and terrorism, was the very same man stealing from our coffers was a big disappointment. people were so disappointed, they went back to EDSA to speak their mind about their president. his greed finally caught up with him and he was made to step down.

the book also talks about the author's trips out of the country for film festivals and special conferences and how a lot of people seem to have the same idea: leaving the country, when things go rough in this one. it really is disappointing considering too much of our productive manpower, our best nurses, teachers, scientists and engineers, have to go off to some other country in order to seek greener pastures.

reading Twisted, any of them versions, remind me of how much i admire the author of the books, how she is similar to me and how different we are. i am very much a fan of her humor and sarcasm. she speaks her mind and tries to get the point across whether it is about politics or educating the masses or drooling about tennis. nobody writes columns anymore, they write blogs and more often than not, people do these things to get the approval of other people instead of thinking for themselves. with the author's Twisted series, while most of the time she talks about world domination and how few people in this country are educated enough to read good books, listen to good music or vote for better people to represent them in Congress or even the Presidency, you can sense her honesty and love of country within the humor and sarcasm.

i know i will never be as great a writer as she is. but i can aspire to be.

what do you mean i can't ask them those questions?!

2011-04-27T18:01:00.005+08:00

this morning i was part of the team that covered the tenth year anniversary of one radio station in our company. ours was the eighth of the ten call centers they were visiting as a way of celebrating their ten years in the business.

i don't particularly like the music they play at that station but i welcomed the opportunity to write about something as i hadn't in a while. besides, i always thought that the test of a good music lover was to always be open to all types of music, regardless of what you preferred to listen to and be able to appreciate it. the test of a good writer, i also thought, was that, you don't necessarily have to like what you write about. you just have to write. so today i tried to do both.

we were treated to free coffee and doughnuts. i even got a free cd and tickets to a movie. there's even this weird and funny story to the movie tickets. they were playing a game of bring me this and that and for every item to bring to DJ Jada, you were going to get tickets to the premiere of a movie starring Reese Witherspoon and the guy who played Cedric Diggory and more popularly, Edward Cullen, Robert Pattinson. so of course, i didn't want to bring anything to the DJ. i love Robert, i'm into Brit guys, remember? i just don't like Twilight.

anyways, DJ Jada asks if anyone has a printed picture from the photo wall. which i have. so, even if i don't really like the movie i ran, and gave her my picture. i gave the movie tickets away to somebody else who might appreciate it more.

prior to today, we were asked to submit questions about the anniversary and the radio station, and since i was the radio station groupie (i will only admit to being a groupie to a radio station but not a band nyahaha), i prepared some of the questions in addition to the one prepared by our writers' guild POC. but they censored us. those were really interesting questions, apart from the regular how-did-you-start-in-radio and what-kind-of-music-do-you-like, both listen to and play. it's just disappointing considering radio and writing - these are media that proves we are now in the era of free speech, we've already gone past that stage where we hide because we're afraid that expression will mean our death.

i understand that that anniversary is not just for the benefit of the agents. well, it is, that's why they're celebrating it in our center. and i know that even if we were asked to write about the event and interview them, we were supposed to make it in such a way that the people "upstairs" will appreciate. it is still a company with policies after all. it just makes me sad.

***

i am glad that like me, DJ Jada is also into rock music and shares my sadness over the reformatting of NU107 to, well, like every other crappy station on air right now.

it really needs to change, you know. there are a lot of class c and class d people out there and it's not our fault the government would rather keep our money in their pockets to send their kids to posh schools instead of educating everybody else. it's very depressing that what we hear on air makes up and represents what we are as a people. so many people fought and died to make this right available to all. the least we could do is not let them die in vain by playing crappy music on air with crappy DJs who hit on everyone who calls them on the radio.

of course you have to cater to a wider scope of the market. of course you have to level yourself with that of your listening public. but isn't it also YOUR responsibility to uplift them?

Rio: romance according to Lionel Richie

2011-04-19T17:33:00.003+08:00

we saw the movie Rio today. it was very funny and colorful. my eyes hurt a bit, watching it in 3D, since there was so much color, but i enjoyed it.

Rio is the story of a Spix's macau named Blu, who as a young bird got taken out of captivity to be sold in the black market before he could learn how to fly. he gets adopted by a young girl, Linda, who keeps him to be her pet for the next fifteen years. Blu gets discovered by a Brazilian ornithologist, Tulio, who says that Blu needs to made with a female in order to preserve their specie. The female Spix's macau, Jewel, isn't too keen about the idea since she longs to escape to go back to the jungle. if she were a human being, she would be a strong-willed woman who doesn't need a man to give her strength and make her feel complete, so she kinda bullies Blu because she wants to escape. they get kidnapped by a bunch of smugglers and a sulphur-crested cockatoo, Nigel. they can't fly away since Blu doesn't know how to and they are chained together.

anyway, they eventually get reunited with each other (i obviously skipped a lot on the story telling - which means you should just go see it), Blu learns to fly, he saves Jewel, Tulio and Linda hook up. everybody lives happily ever after.

***

Lionel Richie was a very big hit in the 70s and early 80s, having started with the Commodores and later on launching a solo career. some of his more memorable songs (most of which are just one-word titles) are Still (a ditty about a guy who can't get over his ex), Truly (the soundtrack to the early relationship between Gabby Concepcion and Janice De Belen before Gabby met Shawie), Three Times a Lady, All Night Long, The Only One and the overly used stalker song to woo women, Hello. strangely enough, the producers of the movie Rio used the song Say You, Say Me, also the song used for the movie White Nights. i can't recall what the lyrics are to the song, but the whole melody is very production number-ish, which is why it is so apt for the movie White Nights. i think that movie was a about a defecting ballet dancer. i can't remember anymore, it was a long time ago.

anyway, his songs, most of which are getting overused and rehashed by a bunch of newbies who want to get their fifteen minutes of fame, as Tulio from the movie Rio said, are really romantic. you can learn a lot about how to woo a woman (or stalk her, go figure) just by listening to his songs. nobody feels that passionately about love anymore to write that way, or if they are, the guys aren't singing to women anymore. they're singing to their fellow men.

i enjoyed the movie Rio immensely, especially because i watched it while two of my friends were having a spat at the time so the movie was a welcome relief and because it reminded me of the following:
1) there are too many independent women in the world but not too many men to step to their level. maybe there are men, we just haven't found them yet because they don't know how to fly;
2) i know now why my dad used to like Lionel Richie - seeing the movie sort of gave me better appreciation of the songs; and
3) we should not smuggle birds or cut down trees, which is their natural habitat. bad things happen to the weather.

they made it vig in my heart

2011-04-04T02:32:00.003+08:00

my friends and i went over the very hard to find PETA theater to watch the musical Care Divas.

Care Divas is the story of five gay caregivers who moonlight as musical entertainers in the land of Israel. some of them lucky to have employers who care for them back but they live their lives mostly in fear, if not sadness or rejection. not only is it hard taking care of someone not your own flesh and blood, but you are always lonesome for the people who more often than not are just after the money you send them.

the music is really good and the story is sad but relevant. it shows how hard life can be living in another country, regardless of your sexual orientation. it shows that wherever you are, whoever and whatever you may be, we all want to be able to do something we love to do and earn money out of it so it doesn’t feel like working; we all just want to be loved.

my favorite characters are Chelsea (played magnificently by Melvin Lee) and Kayla (please be straight, Jerald Napoles). Chelsea is the light of the group, always smiling, always seeing the good things in life despite the hardships in the Middle East. he has had the good fortune of working for an old man who is not only kind to him as an employer, but acts as a teacher, guide, father. the old man even lets him off early so he can practice performing with his friends. Kayla, on the other hand, did not have a similar fate. after his contract ended with his former employer, he is forced to work as a domestic helper/caregiver since his new employer refuses to give him a formal contract. he always has to watch his back during curfew for fear of being caught until he finally gets deported.

me with stud muffin Jerald as Kayla

there are also the petty things that they deal with, like who gets to sing the lead part, what name to use as a group, who has a boyfriend. it just shows that wherever they may be, they always still feel the fear of being rejected for not being fully a woman. sometimes they feel more comfortable, more accepted in the foreign land than they do in their own country. and they miss home. all the difficulties, the fear, the pain, the cruelty, they endure just so they can send money back home. what’s sad is that, not all of us care here back home, we are only after the money.

aside from the star-studded audience and the really funny quips, the matinee show was very interesting. i hope to see it again.

if this is what i said, would i have had as much fun?

2011-03-31T20:12:00.008+08:00

"There are always three speeches, for every one you actually gave. The one you practiced, the one you gave, and the one you wish you gave."
Dale Carnegie

almost everybody had a topic in mind but up until everyone was already delivering their presentations, i couldn't make up my mind about what i would do for mine. i just didn't. i had ideas in my head and i felt passionate about all of them. what to choose then?

then i thought: a day in the life of an executive assistant.

problem was how to apply what we have learned so far and where to begin. there was also the time constraint - you were only supposed to talk for five minutes. that includes the questions they would ask you in the middle of what you were talking about. kindly like what we had with debate, only we didn't have to argue with whoever asked the question.

extemporaneous is defined as carried out or performed with little or no preparation; impromptu. whenever i write, i speak from my mind. before i submit, i have a chance to proofread, see if i'm missing or talking too much about something. when i speak, whether i'm just with friends or speaking in front of a large audience, i have the idea in my head. but once i spew it out, i can't take it back. delivery is always a factor on whether what you will say is remarkable or enough to bury you under the ground.

i did okay the first time. i think. they said so. at least they understand now or have an idea of what i do or not do or what they make me do that's not part of my job description for a living. i talked about flirting for my fifteen minute presentation. who better to talk about flirting, right?

***
many of us are not aware but in our everyday lives we flirt. many of us have a negative perception of what flirting is. flirting is not just confined to finding a suitable mate. flirting is also used as a tool to get information or to get out of trouble. anything you do that builds some sort of connection with other human beings, whether with the same or opposite sex, can be categorized as flirting.

as stated by the experts, there are two types of flirting, there's the non-verbal flirting and then there's verbal flirting. non-verbal flirting can be expressed by smiling at your object of affection, smiling with your eyes (yes, the Tyra Banks way) accompanied by long stare. when one is all touchy-feely, he/she is also flirting.

then we have verbal flirting. when you are flirting with someone, you don't want to ask them questions that can be answered by just a simple "yes" or "no" or by just one word answers, the closed-ended questions. you want them to expound to stretch the conversation, that way you can be with them longer. you ask them open-ended questions, those that require them to explain or give more than just one answer. if you ask a closed-ended question, make sure to follow up with an open-ended question. you may also want to compliment the other person and be sincere when you do. it also helps to be polite. don't forget to smile.

more than anything, it helps if you just be yourself. now, if you don't like yourself then that's another story. we know we can't make people like us if we don't even like ourselves.

okay, now that i'm writing it down, i really can't remember half of what i said. i had a guide in my head. but that's the thing, what i said back there will always be different from what i have in my head now. i still have the same idea, but there are certain thoughts better read, some better said, some better left in your head.

it was a great experience, being in training again, meeting new people, learning more about them. it was also great learning more about me. maybe i'm a better speaker than i give myself credit for :)

i don't know. it's been a while and when you've gotten so used to your own parents not complimenting you, you get a little bit overwhelmed when other people praise you. i still haven't gotten used to that. anyway, i digress. it was a great training and a wonderful exercise of my creative juices. i recommend people from work who actually read this blog to enroll so they can learn something.

i can only do 101 and it doesn't even get me anywhere

2011-03-30T07:44:00.003+08:00

so last night we concluded our two-day training on being able to get your point across. now that i think about it, they were right when they called it a workshop rather than training since the whole idea is to get you to present yourself and a topic in front of people. i loved it immensely. i learned more about myself. i still don't know how to handle compliments considering i spent the last thirty-two years getting crap from my own father but i'm learning how to deal with it. i know how to appreciate good feedback now, not just getting used to the bad. i think.

i talked about myself for five minutes or so. i was the only who didn't have a deck prepared. i didn't know how to describe the feeling. i was confident in a way, because i could talk about anything. but then, being a cluttered mind, there was so much i could talk about! chances are, if i started talking about something, it wouldn't just be five minutes. so the key here was knowing when to stop.

i went into this class thinking i could learn more about preparing the presentation, which i did. i thought it was the more visual stuff, not knowing that the visual aid, the best visual aid one can ever come up with is himself. if you know the topic from the back of your head, you don't need visual aids. you don't need additional electronic tools. you are the tool. being in this class has taught me how to better structure my thoughts before speaking in front of an audience.

i had the idea in my head, flirting. but then again, where's the credibility in that? if you are to talk about something, you should at least be some sort of expert on the subject. i'm a flirt, yes, but, again, when you talk about something, people expect you to actually be the living proof of what you're talking about. and i'm not really the best person because i'm not getting any. well, i flirt, meaning, i'm touchy, i give people the look, i play with their heads with words, but who doesn't? everybody is a flirt, they just don't want to own up to it.

***
i know you love me. you don't say it but i know you do. it's not romantic love but one that is borne out of trust, mutual respect, true friendship. and i am good knowing that you do care for me. i don't expect anything more no matter what people say, or what people might think. they will say what they want to say anyway, they will never understand and even when they do, we have settled that it's hard to enlighten the people who refuse to see reason.* i am happy knowing that i have you in my life and i am someone you value. whatever we have works for us. i am good with that. after all, it's not that easy to make friends.

*posted with permission

normal is as normal as it gets

2011-03-28T02:13:00.011+08:00

my friend Brian and i watched the last run of the play Next to Normal tonight. it was a nice play. depressing but nice.

Next to Normal is about a family whose lives are in disarray because of bipolar disorder.

Bipolar disorder: A mood disorder sometimes called manic-depressive illness or manic-depression that characteristically involves cycles of depression and elation or mania. Sometimes the mood switches from high to low and back again are dramatic and rapid, but more often they are gradual and slow, and intervals of normal mood may occur between the high (manic) and low (depressive) phases of the condition. The symptoms of both the depressive and manic cycles may be severe and often lead to impaired functioning.

of course, you don't believe everything you read in the internet. the woman in the show was sort of like that.

i've been described as bipolar. maybe that's why the show meant so much to me, i could relate to the character so well. we went in there thinking we would need to slash our wrists on our way out of the theater but we didn't have to. it ended sadly. love doesn't have to die, especially when it fought the odds for so long. but maybe that's really how it is. so goes the song . . .

I am the one who loved you.
I am the one who stayed.
I am the one and you walked away.
I am the one who waited
And now you act like you just don't give a damn.
Like you never knew who I am.

the story is about a woman who never really recovered from the death of her eight-month old son and has had hallucinations of him growing up to be seventeen years old. the disorder has affected her relationship with her husband and her surviving daughter. after months, years of treatment, they still weren't able to cure the real disorder - their relationship as a family.

my crushee, Felix Rivera

the actors were wonderful. i've had a crush on Felix Rivera since the Spelling Bee and i loved him even more in Avenue Q. here, i saw his abs and i'm a goner. Jett Pangan has become a strong theater actor and has proven his versatility. i've loved Bea Garcia since Spring Awakening and Menchu Lauchengco-Yulo is mesmerizing. Markki and Jake, the other two supporting characters were equally good. the show was depressing, humorous, entertaining.

the cast was also star-studded. we saw the original Dodong and a whole bunch of theater actors.

the original Dodong of Zsazsa, Arnold Reyes

watching the play made me think, what is normal? what is acceptable? what if those whom we perceive as being "not normal" are better off than us insane people?

just a thought.

i don't talk to Him a lot. but when we do, your name always seems to come up

2011-03-26T20:40:00.004+08:00

while walking on the way home after my conversation with you, i hear this song playing in my head. i don't know why, it just does.

i don't know the whole story, only that a fan's partner was dying of cancer and that's where Sarah McLachlan got the inspiration to write this song. i know you're not dead yet, but it reminds me of you. somehow.

Hold On
Sarah McLachlan

Hold on
Hold on to yourself
for this is gonna hurt like hell
Hold on
Hold on to yourself
you know that only time will tell
What is it in me that refuses to believe
this isn't easier than the real thing
My love
you know that you're my best friend
you know I'd do anything for you
my love
let nothing come between us
my love for you is strong and true
Am I in heaven here or am I...
at the crossroads I am standing
So now you're sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
that you'll be strong tomorrow and we'll
see another day and we will praise it
and love the light that brings a smile
across your face
Oh god if you're out there won't you hear me
I know that we've never talked before
oh god the man I love is leaving
won't you take him when he comes to your door
Am I in heaven here or am I in hell
at the crossroads I am standing
Now you're sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
that you'll be strong tomorrow and we'll
see another day and we will praise it
and love the light that brings a smile
across your face...
Hold on
hold on to yourself
for this is gonna hurt like hell

you are probably the only true friend i will ever have in this lifetime.

of course, that's a very dangerous statement since i do have a lot of true friends, and they have been with me a while. they all have some amount of drama in them and i'm entangled at some way or another, just like they are to me. what i just said doesn't take away the fact that they are true. it just puts you among those people i will never forget.

but you. you have a drama all your own and i just seem to be "guest starring" in it.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE, I WANT YOU TO LIVE. i want you to be safe and be happy. you don't have to be with me, you just have to be happy. alive and happy.

i don't know why. i always seem to think about you. i don't really go to church a lot. i don't talk to Him a lot. not as much as i used to. i talk to Him about you, how i wish i could not feel this way about you anymore, or how i wish He would take care of you, just like i wish He would take care of everybody else for me. but now, now i just wish He'd look after you period.

what you do is no different from me slashing my wrists. we both have our reasons for inflicting pain upon ourselves, and in the process, inflicting pain on the people who care about us. i just don't want to lose you that way. i hope not to lose you that way.

am i reverting back?

2011-03-16T21:51:00.003+08:00

i just started training today and somebody caught my eye. she is really pretty and very funny too.

i am attracted to her but i think she's already taken. she even looks familiar, i just can't remember where i saw her.

***
i am flattered that more and more people are following my blog but i'm afraid that they're following it for the wrong reasons. because if you're only reading this to get updates on my sorry excuse for a love life, you'll be very disappointed. I DON'T HAVE ONE.

***

i really am enjoying watching Glee more and more these days. for starters, Kurt has finally come out and has been kissed in this season. they have a football coach with very masculine features getting her first kiss. Puck has a healthy voluptuous woman as a girlfriend and Santana is a lesbian!

i loved their version of Landslide with Gwyneth Paltrow. i loved the part where she said that she didn't like labels. i loved the part where she realized that the reason she has been so angry is because she couldn't tell Brittany how much she loved her. i think this happens to everyone regardless of your race, religion or sexual orientation.

all this fascination for lesbians and the absence of a constant romantic male companion in my life has led me to ask myself if i would consider going back to that option instead. then i realized that i don't really go out anyway so regardless of what option i choose, i don't exactly really have an option.

i don't really mind if i end up with another lesbian or with an actual guy. i am alone right now, aren't i? i've gotten by. i will find that person someday and it will be wonderful.

your brain takes three days to adjust when your world gets upside down

2011-03-14T12:35:00.006+08:00

talk about hangover. i woke up just in time to see this new Bones episode on TV.

they find the body of a rich young woman in a very bad part of town, skeleton entwined on a tree and they discuss how she got there. Brennan immediately notices the similarities between her and the victim, as they have the same height and weight and the dolphin ring on the victim's finger. when they bring the body (plus the tree) over to the Jeffersonian, they discover that she is a surgeon, the best in her field with no family. again, Brennan sees the similarities between her and the victim and wonders why none of her colleagues can understand why she is so much involved in the case, unlike in most.

she relates more to the victim when she finds out situation regarding the transplant helicopter pilot that the victim had worked with. it turns out the pilot had professed intention to go further than just the friendship they were having, to something deeper but she turned him down. you notice that Booth gave Brennan this look too, while pilot was telling the story. more and more as she discovers something new about the victim, the more she couldn't stop thinking about how they are alike. when she saw the victim's ID photo she saw her face and while listening to the victim's case files, it was her voice she could hear and not the victim's. she thought about it so much she couldn't sleep and went back to the lab where she met with the security guard Micah. she tells him that she is having difficulty being objective and he tells her to try not being objective in order to be able to solve the mystery of the dead surgeon.

everybody, including Booth, starts to worry about Brennan identifying with the victim as she is normally not like that and asks Sweets to talk to her. they are all surprised that Bones is not her normal objective and detached self with regard to this victim. while Bones doesn't really follow what Psychology via Dr. Sweets tells her about her feelings with this particular case, she does follow, or at least, feel more comfortable talking to Micah about it. whether it's because most of what he tells her comes from what he learns in lectures given by the Jeffersonian or because he actually makes sense is not clear. i didn't even know Micah existed until this episode.

the point of this episode, for me, is that Brennan realized through this victim that she doesn't want to be alone and that she doesn't want to miss her chance. she didn't want to lose Booth. in the 100th episode, Booth professed his love to Bones. when he told her that insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome, he wanted the outcome to be different, he wanted to take their friendship to the next level but she refused. she thought she was protecting him because she was afraid that she didn't have the kind of heart that Booth had in order to love him. Booth has moved on since then and now has Hannah, whom he says he loves and Bones cries because she missed her chance with Booth. i have never seen Bones cry like that.

quoting a different Fox show, NCIS, where they said that, "life is too short not to tell people you love them if you do", i would say that Bones has always known she loved Booth, she was just afraid to tell him so. guess they've both always known but then, if they told each other how much they felt about each other, then what is there to watch?

in an experiment, and this is from a lecture that Micah attended in the Jeffersonian again, they set up a bunch of people who wore glasses that made them see the world upside down. after a while, they were made to take off the glasses and instead of seeing things right side up, everything was upside down. after three days, they could see the world right side up again because it takes the brain three days to adjust. it took Bones and Booth three days to solve the case of the Doctor in the Picture (we also see Booth saving Bones again, in the rain, again, as usual) and as Bones was wrapping up all of the victim's case files, she looked at the picture again, and saw that it wasn't her.

vack with a vengeance

2011-03-14T12:11:00.004+08:00

i was both excited and apprehensive for yesterday. i wasn't sure it would turn out well. but i'm glad it did. see, i CAN make my worlds meet.

***
it was probably around four years ago (maybe more) when Zsa Zsa Zaturnah, the comic book, came out. it has been made into a movie and into a musical. we saw the musical yesterday.

i remember reading the comic book and not wanting to put it down. it was so honest and funny and it was nothing i have ever read before. i almost missed my stop twice. people were giving me looks as i laughed to myself while reading it.

the show is no different from the book. in fact, it's how i imagined it to be when i first read the book and more. it was hilarious. i couldn't stop laughing. i had so much fun watching it. the music was fun to listen to and the actors were all great. i never thought Eula Valdez could sing like that and well, i was hoping to see Arnold Reyes as Dodong but Red Anderson was a passable understudy for him. while he wasn't exactly fabulous, singing-wise, his abs more than made up for him relying on his DNA. there was also one guy from the ensemble who was really cute. i think i will watch Noli Me Tangere in August just to see how good an actor he is.

the show-stealer was Nar Cabico, who played Didi, hands down. he was wonderful as Ernst in Spring Awakening, but here in Zsazsa, he is AH-MAY-ZING!

i look forward to the next chapter of Ada and Dodong's life in Manila. it has long been overdue but seeing the musical reminded us how much we loved the first book and why we patiently anticipate the next.

***
ok pala na me load ako pag weekend eh. you text me, i text you. we have a conversation. it's nice when you have friends who check on you. while you're with your other friends. it's nice having someone look after you. someone who watches your back. i'm glad you do. i'm glad it's you.

angry girl journal 03.11.2011

2011-03-11T04:15:00.004+08:00

you’d think i tripped because i was wearing my four-inch heels but no, i tripped and hurt my ankle when i was barefoot. talk about accident prone.

so he rings my phone to wake me a little before 7pm and i do remember standing up half-awake before i realized that my feet got tangled with the bed sheet and the blanket, making me fall on the floor, hitting one of the electric fans and putting all of my weight onto that one foot. it was as if i was drunk because it took a while for me to get up. with only vaguely an hour of sleep, what do you expect? it hurt so much, my foot. it took all my strength to get up and go back to bed. late for work, as usual.

***

i’m not going to do anything. i am not a horrible person. i will not make your life miserable by causing you pain but i am also not mad to indulge you. there are more important things worth stressing about because the world, after all, is bigger than you and me.

people will think what they want to think regardless of what you do or say anyway. i am not going to do anything.

***
while i appreciate that people are praying that nothing bad will happen to me, i would like you to know that more people wish me otherwise. case in point, this accident. i will get sick, i will get burned out, i will get into accidents. while i claim to call myself a goddess, I AM NOT INVINCIBLE. i don’t think i’m that indispensable that nobody else can do my job. you all are just pretty lazy and stupid. it's like they paid you to be stupid. you have people you delegate tasks to and yet, you still can't do your job right. it is pathetic.

it pisses me off that these people get paid to do something and they get paid more than most of us but they don't deliver. i know the job gets harder and harder as soon as your salary gets higher but i don't think there is any difference.

just because i am here to do things it doesn't mean that i don't aspire for more. or have a vacation, at least. i've said here before, i am fucking overqualified for this job already and should be doing something else. i am great at what i do and have the potential to do more. people at work don't take me seriously. well, some of them do but the rest just think i'm a pawn they order around. they're even meaner than my actual boss.

i really got ticked off when they said they are praying i don't get sick. i really really appreciate that but i don't appreciate the intention. they're selfish, they don't care, they only care to save their asses.

you know, there is a difference between not being able to express yourself properly in english and just being downright rude. and lazy. and selfish. because in one of Tina's trainings she mentioned that unlike Filipino, the English language can be pretty rude. it is very direct. that's why they came up with that saying that, "it's not what you said, it's how you said it," because delivery is essential. what you thought in your head was this really really sweet gesture, may turn out to be offensive if not said properly.

i would like to think they just don't know how to express themselves properly. there is no way in hell there is one person (or two. three. maybe more) who can be that mean or brain dead at the same time. but then again, i work with them so apparently they do exist. again, a constant reminder that life is not fair in the world.

***

i'm just gonna let you be. we're okay. steady lang. not going to do anything. again, too many things more important to stress about.

a new rock baby is born

2011-02-20T23:31:00.009+08:00

we were outside Saguijo bar when i heard a familiar voice. it was too familiar, too special for me to ignore and i tried my best to look for where the voice came from. it was just right in front of the bar i was in. and then i saw him.

i love Francis Reyes too much not to recognize his voice.

it turns out that they have been streaming music through the internet and trying to pick up where NU107 left off. since the internet is more liberal compared to local commercial radio, it pretty much allows them to play whatever they want, with responsibility, of course. they play some of the classic rock tunes but they also want to be able to play some of the new stuff. we have to evolve after all. most of the last batch of DJs from NU107 are also there, because as Francis says, they just love the music and they're doing what they can to provide that to people.

i am very thankful to the fact that there are people out there who pooled their resources in order to make this possible. i am very thankful that there are rock enthusiasts who refuse to let go of our dream, our family. i am thankful we can hear the music again and there will be an avenue for those who are just starting out in the rock music industry again.

while i appreciate the station i'm listening to now (next to NU107, it is the only other station that plays rock music before it becomes mainstream), because it does have it own style of programming that is appealing to me, i kinda miss the people in NU. i can't be on the net all the time so it works.

it is always nice that we can find music that we like when we can, while we can. the internet allows us to do a great number of things. bringing us back rock music is one of those things. we have it on the market, on radio, on video, on TV. we have it on the net. i'm glad that we do. nothing beats that. something to fill the void we all felt that fateful day they shut down our favorite rock station.

i just like listening to Francis Reyes' voice.

check out http://digradio.ph for the latest and the greatest rock tunes played by your favorite rock jocks. it's not NU107. but it's close.

i still love Rico Blanco

2011-02-13T14:05:00.013+08:00

this is what happens when you are awake for more than twenty-four hours. you want to do so many things, you HAVE to finish so many things, but there isn't enough time to do them.

***
i also want to change my status and tell people that i'm not on the family way. not yet anyway. but then it would take more time to explain why i did that. it was fun to do. i had a great time leading people on and making fun of their reactions (i was really sad that i had to break it to Trina that i wasn't really pregnant, she looked so excited for me. bet if i really had a kid, she would spoil that creature to bits), we had a great laugh over it. but it looks like there are gullible people out there who were concerned and i have to disappoint or humor them, as the case may be. either way, i don't know how to fix this. too bad i don't have broadband internet to make a webcast like that girl in the movie Easy A.

***
yesterday after shift i went with my friend to the mall to have her drug test. apparently, it is a requirement before she can start training for this account where she will be transferring. we had coffee and a few cigarettes before she headed home and i boarded the train.

when i got on the train, i received a phone call from another friend asking me to watch a movie with them when i got off the MRT.

Tangled is a retelling of the story of Rapunzel and features the voices of Zachary Levi, Mandy Moore (as Rapunzel) and Donna Murphy. the story begins with the queen having difficulty giving birth and had all the members of the castle looking for a rare powerful flower that has a special healing power. however, it was found and hidden by a wicked witch who wanted to use it to keep her youth. they eventually found the flower and used it to save the queen and her unborn baby, beautiful little princess. as a celebration of the birth of the princess and her health, the king and queen lit a lantern and set it off into the air. the witch found out about the princess and came in the night to steal the precious hair of the princess but when she cut it, it would turn brown and lose its power. so she she ran off with the baby girl, and hid her in a tower where she grew her long blond hair, kept her as her own but used the power of her hair to keep her young.

years later, a thief who stole the lost princess' crown finds his way to the tower while hiding from the castle guards and he is captured by Rapunzel. she wanted to use him as a reason for the witch to let her out of the tower and see the lighted lanterns for her birthday, as proof that she can take care of herself. but since her "mother" wouldn't let her, she devised a way for her to be gone for days in order for her to escape with the thief to see the lights. on their way back to the castle they develop a friendship, a romance. Eugene (Flynn Rider, Zach's character) realizes that he doesn't need all the money in the world or live in a castle. he just wants to be with Rapunzel.

Rapunzel finds out that the woman she's been living with is not really her mother all along and that she is actually the long lost princess that everyone is looking for and then she and Eugene live happily ever after.

***
i hang out with my friends some more, even tried on a few clothes for them to judge before meeting with another friend for a gig of two of my favorite bands, Imago and Rico Blanco's band. the third band, Callalily, i'm not too familiar with, but their vocalist Kean, i have a crush on.

the gig turned out to be a promotional tour for a beer they're trying to repackage and sell to people even if there is already a favorite.

we arrived just in time for Imago to start. i was really happy that i got to see them because it's been a while since i last saw them live. i think that was months ago, over at Route 196, with Nix Puno (drool, drool) sessioned for Myrene. people only knew a few of their songs and they sang along with the ones they knew. i loved all of their songs :)

i was surprised that Rico Blanco came in next. i was expecting him to go last since he had the most experience, he was the most talented (let's face it, he has moved on to TV acting but ) and to my mind, the most popular. he did songs from his solo effort and some Rivermaya songs. he would mash up a classic before bursting into a Rivermaya or Rico Blanco song. mash ups have become really popular because of the show Glee but Rico Blanco, along with other local artists have been doing that in their gigs, especially the big ones. i think i remember a concert featuring Rivermaya and Slapshock a few years back and Rico doing this to one of them songs i can't remember right now. but it's so cool. entertaining too.

he may be all things considered as selling out: acting on local TV after going solo, going out with a famous daughter of two big actors, doing jingles, going to the gym, but we cannot deny the fact that Rico Blanco (with or without Rivermaya) has written and brought to us the music that we have loved for the better part of the 90s and the early 2000s. what he has done with this career, with the band or as a solo artist. doesn't change the fact that he's brilliant or that we love whatever he puts out there. because it is good.

i still love Rico Blanco. i may not be as hardcore a fan as some of you are but i support him when i can. i don't agree with everything either but i respect greatness. and Rico Blanco, his music, is great.

kean. kean. kean. you're cute. i love the song Stars. that's it. my friend and i got tired and went home. maybe next time.

sad sugar

2011-02-11T14:18:00.005+08:00

let's just make it clear: according to their Facebook page (again, like i said, very powerful media that Facebook is), there is no bad blood among the members, but they are breaking up because their main songwriter and lead vocalist, Ebe Dancel is leaving the band to work on his solo career.

we've seen it before with Ely Buendia leaving the Eraserheads, Bamboo leaving Rivermaya (Bamboo, the band, recently disbanded as well) and then Rico Blanco leaving Rivermaya (let's face it, when Perf left the band, nobody noticed or gave a fuck) so we're sad when a band we love disbands.

i've loved listening to Sugarfree way back when M and i were still together and i appreciated their music even more when she and i broke up. their music is very relatable, emotional, without the cheesy aftertaste. it makes you feel that you're not alone, that you're not weird or strange or pathetic for feeling the loss of a loved one or owning up to loneliness since everybody else feels that way some time.

maybe the reason why people are so sad, when bands disband, is that they lose the opportunity to hear their favorite songs live again even when the pop radio stations play them and some stranger bastardizes it on local tv by covering it. sure Rico Blanco plays some of the songs he wrote when he was still with Rivermaya and Ely did some covers of their Eraserheads tunes but it disorients the people listening to them. we hope we can get our bands singing our favorite songs forever, not thinking that it may no longer be healthy for them to stay together and play it for us. they're just like your separated parents: you want them to stay together but they can't because they have to think about their own happiness too, not just yours.

Ebe is going to branch out and try something different. you would hope that instead of leaving, he can just do a side project so that Sugarfree doesn't need to break up. but sometimes they need to go on their own so that when they get back together, the songs are more meaningful and more memorable. hello, think The Dawn or Wolfgang or, of course, the Eraserheads. :)

the music will live on and the memories will still be there. but you just can't help but be sad.

am i really?

2011-02-11T14:12:00.004+08:00

This will be in the drafts for a while before it gets published.

I know they will check this after that status change.

An hour or two ago, I launched a bomb on Facebook, which is more of a social experiment than anything else. Over glasses of Jack Daniels and Sprite, a couple of friends and I were chatting about 80s TV shows, relationships past present and what-might-have-been, serious or sexual, in between singing a jingle for this optical shop, smoking and out of this world what ifs. I said to them, “what if I didn’t show myself to you for a couple of weeks and then I suddenly changed my Facebook status to “married”? my profile picture showing me wearing pink and saying how much I LOVE being a housewife? Me who hates the idea of tying the noose, err, knot; me who hates pink and being tied down slaving on house work gets married and actually declares loving it. weird, right? Last person you would suspect got hitched.

So Friend #1 says that he’d be pissed because he wasn’t invited to the wedding, and then when I mentioned the pink gown and he screams, “who the hell are you and what did you do to my friend?!” Friend #2 says that she never saw me as a Stepford wife. But what if I did?

We put this to the test, with me, the person who hasn’t gotten any for the last three years, me who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a constant date, declaring this on Facebook and we have proven that:

1. People really enjoy gossip, especially bad gossip;

2. Babies, whether planned or unwanted, elicit elated reactions or just reactions, in general;

3. Facebook has become so powerful in connecting you to people that when news like this comes out, whether hoax or not, they will go ahead to bug you and ask (to the guy who thought up Facebook, because I cannot remember your name at the moment, you are a genius and I owe you!);

4. Humans who feel that in some remote way what happens to you affects their lives too tend to show up back in your life when you least expect them to;

. . . that and everything else weird. I received so many text messages and comments were posted on my wall asking if I was indeed pregnant. Some were happy, some were concerned, some had to ask again and again and again just to be sure. I mean, after I posted it, I thought about all the people whom I knew would ask first because they were curious (identity of the father, intended or accidental pregnancy, etc. ) or genuinely happy or react violently. It’s not like I’m seeking attention (okay, maybe a little), but I just want to know.

Watching Bones and how she doesn’t like Sweets because of how Anthropology and Psychology are on opposite ends of the pole made me realize this and the bullet points I stated above.

5. Not everything on the internet is true – Wikipedia can be edited!

6. Zach Lucero’s Superpoke is one great song , especially when Lourd De Veyra says, the pictures do not lie, or I tag, therefore I am. I am tagged therefore I exist. When people take the time out to check out what’s happening to you, you feel important. When people waste load, time or PST space to quarrel with you, they don’t like you, YES. But they obviously thought you were worth wasting load, time and PST space on.

I don’t really know whether Anthropology or Psychology has the answers or what made me decide to update my status like that. All I do know is that if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t have thought this thing up just so I could see how people could react and how easy it is to manipulate people just so they can get what they want from you.

I am pregnant.

With ideas. Really crazy ideas.

movie where you can learn a lot of seductive pole dancing moves

2011-02-07T11:08:00.003+08:00

i never liked Christina Aguilera. i never liked their whole batch of blond teeny boppers with record deals (although i do like Mandy Moore, her choice of film roles and the fact that she didn’t have to strip off her clothes to sell records was very impressive) and really lousy songs. i hated their irritating songs and their more irritating videos. i didn’t think they deserved to be role models of that era. i appreciated some of their songs but i just didn’t like them in general. you know the type where instead of listening to any of their songs, i’d choose a root canal. it didn’t help that my father liked them and whenever he had dates he’d tell them the records were mine. Christina had the most powerful pipes among them, no doubt. i just didn’t like them period.

Burlesque is like Chicago and Fame and them other movies mixed into one. the movie starts with Christina’s character Ali asking her employer for her pay from last month so she can move to Los Angeles to pursue a singing career. employer refuses to pay her and her co-worker, so as soon as he leaves, she takes out money from the cash register. enter song production number number one.

so she moves on to leave, with her savings and starts looking for a job when she gets to LA, none of whom would accept her until she chances upon a bar called Burlesque. all the while she thinks it’s a strip club but when she enters the bar she is fascinated by the girls dancing, how graceful they are, how she couldn’t take their eyes off them. they commanded the stage and she wanted part of the action. the bartender, Jack, tells her that if she really wanted to become a dancer, to look for Tess (played by Cher) and then enter another song production number.

to make it simple because i’m not really good at this: boy meets girl, girl wants to be a dancer. girl applies to be a dancer with the owner (who is being offered to sell the club in favor of a hotel building) of the club and her gay best friend but they don’t think she has what it takes or that this is perfect time for holding auditions. girl has a run in with one of the more famous of the girl dancers who also happens to be an alcoholic biatch. girl really wants to be part of the action so she decides she’ll wait on tables until the owner of the club lets her work there. girl goes back to her apartment and finds that it was trashed and the money she so carefully hid by the water closet is now gone. girl runs to boy bartender’s apartment and he offers to let her stay until she finds a job or a new place, whichever comes first. she also thinks he is gay until he shows her a picture of his fiancée. one of the girl dancers gets pregnant so club owner holds auditions and of course, girl applies and she manages to talk her way to becoming one of the dancers. like the great Jessica Zafra said, talking is a form of manipulation – people will do anything to make you shut up.

so the alcoholic star dancer messes up so girl gets a chance to fill in for her. since she gets sabotaged when it’s her turn to lipsynch, she sings live and they realize she has a good voice. here starts her story of becoming the star of the Burlesque bar so the mogul who wants to buy out the bar starts buying her shoes, flowers, taking her out and she goes out with him even if she’s still just secretly in love with bartender.

to make long story short, moral of the story is that you should never forget where you came from and never turn your back on the people who knew you before you were famous; never believe a drunk guy who says he broke up with his fiancée over the phone because chances are she’ll show up and he’ll throw you out of the house; never be blinded by the glamour because they will fade and true friends will still save you; never go to work drunk and never underestimate a girl who has dreams of becoming a singer in a burlesque bar because she will steal your air rights.

the movie was okay, the music was okay, the production numbers, both song and dance were okay. i thought it was okay. it didn’t blow me away but it didn’t bore me either. it was nice. Cam Gigandet, the guy who plays Jack (if he’s familiar, that’s because he played James in that sorry ass of a vampire movie Twilight), the bartender, is really hot. Eric Dane, although a little older, still hot.

and Cher? Cher still has it. she is still the patron saint, if not the goddess of all gay men. Regine Velasquez is only a demigod.

still a balancing act - baby steps

2011-02-06T14:21:00.005+08:00

it is not a secret that i have been trying to fix myself, my house, my work, my life. i'm slowly getting the house clean. it's not yet clean by standards where i am comfortable having people over but i'm getting there. i'm also trying to get the papers of the house fixed. it's a work in progress. some things are more difficult to do than others, especially when you're all alone doing them. one of the things that i have been working on right now, is enhancing my appearance.

my friends have been helping me out, telling me which clothes to wear, what shade of eye make up to use, what bag matches with what pair of shoes. of course, they have been telling me to lose some weight too. like i said, a work in progress. little baby steps in that area. i don't want to go on one of those crash diets anymore where i lose the weight then i gain it all back again as easy as i did.

the heels are hurting my feet. i still have to get used to them. the make up i'm trying to practice everyday. besides, the people who gave me the make up work with me so i have someone to check if i look like a clown or not. if i don't have any make up on or if my hair isn't fixed, they ask. they bug. i get stares. i get compliments. my new boss Tina likes it a lot. she is very much amused. when we started working together i was already into that whole dress thing. but when i got into the shoes and the make up it really excited her. she looked forward to what i was gonna wear everyday the way i look forward to which bels will come to work.

i am not the type who would change for anyone, nor do i wish for anyone to try to change me. i am open to the idea of enhancing what was always there. i know it's not easy since i've been used to being dressed a certain way. i got laid before even when i don't fix myself (which doesn't follow that i will get laid more now that i do) and i never really paid any attention to posture growing up. i just walk like i own the planet. i walk without a care. now i have to. now i do. otherwise my heel might get stuck in some hole in the street somewhere and i'm trapped.

i'm still me. i'm still the same old stubborn boyish bels. just now open to being "taller" and having more eye color.

never too late to be taken

2011-02-06T13:53:00.002+08:00

when the song Uh-Oh first came out, i honestly thought it was done by a foreign rock band and when the NU DJ announced the name of the band who did it, i was amazed that Taken By Cars is a Filipino band. it is rock music you can dance to. cool, right?

a few months ago i watched them perform for the first time over at Saguijo and my first time to watch a gig in a long time and i was very much blown away. it didn’t matter that Sarah’s voice was a bit hoarse from a previous gig, or that i only know a total of three songs from the album (i didn’t have one at the time yet, and i might have heard the other songs before, i just didn’t know their titles for me to shout them out), i was just having the most fun watching them.

i got the album a few more weeks later, and i’m loving it immensely. i listen to it all the time while working as it has its way of lifting you up and making you want to dance. it makes you proud you are Pinoy and they are Pinoy and the music is great. their live performances are so intense, it takes you to a totally different experience, as if in a trance.

i always said i was a late bloomer. nothing wrong there. all that matters is the music.

angry girl journal 01.31.2011

2011-02-01T20:05:00.003+08:00

wi-fi has the tendency to destroy friendships. along with other gadgets, it is one of the best things to ever be thought of by an individual, but it is also an anti-social tool.

i have always been a loner. i like reading, writing, watching tv and doing other things that you can do without a companion. i'm pretty self-sufficient and can go for days without having to talk to anyone. i got training, being an only child; not to mention i have been single for seven years now. i'm very independent and have been used to living alone, being alone, doing things on my own.

i have lots of friends who care about me and look out for me even when they're not with me. some of them i don't see very often as i'd like so i make it a point that when i'm with them, to be in the moment. i give them my full and undivided attention. life is too short to be distracted. you never know when the moment might pass you by.

it pisses me off when i'm with my friends and they are texting, taking a long time on a phone call, listening to a song on their headphones, checking email, or playing a game while with me. i am guilty of this too, and i even forget to excuse myself sometimes, especially when i get an important call. i have somehow mastered the art of texting and still be able to pay attention to the person sitting right in front of me (which is why i'm not getting a phone with a QWERTY keypad) because it is rude to be on the phone, or any other gadget for that matter, all the time when you're with someone.

i really value my alone time, off work and without friends. it allows me to think and i value the time i have with my friends too. but when they're too preoccupied with their gadgets and make no conscious effort to pay attention to me when i'm with them, it makes me want to leave and walk out. or not talk to that person. i mean, if i wanted to not talk, i wouldn't have left the house. at least, alone, i can read, or sleep.

you can say that being with a friend with a gadget is better than a self-absorbed person who talks about themselves all the time. i honestly don't know what the lesser evil is. i just know that it's irritating me. how would you feel if you were so enthusiastic about something and the person you are with is not responding to you, or worse, if you feel bad, that person reacts differently because he is really not paying the least attention? something like, you were on the verge of breaking down but he/she gets a high score on the game being played on the gadget that instead of feeling emphatic, that person rejoices. kinda rude, isn't it? the person is only with you physically but he really is not there.

i don't lose respect for people with gadgets. i have gadgets too. we all work hard to be able to get the gadgets we want. whatever new thing we discover with our gadgets, we share with our friends and with other people. it shouldn't be the reason why we lose our friends. gadgets are great. technology is great. they make your life a little more convenient. but they shouldn't shut you out from the world.

it's just like a dildo. it's useful, but nothing beats actual human contact.

does love really make it all better when the drugs don't work?

2011-02-01T19:25:00.006+08:00

last saturday we watched the movie Love and Other Drugs. it's a romantic and comedic approach to Parkinson's disease. i've never seen so many preludes to sex scenes in my entire life. frankly, the 90s wasn’t necessarily a reckless “fucking” area. people were sexually active but they were more aware, more careful and more responsible. wait, now that i think about it, i started fucking in the 90s. but other than sex, the music of the 90s literally blew me away.

Jamie Randall (played by Jake Gyllenhaal) was a med school dropout who gets by, fucking around and selling sound systems. when he gets fired for fucking around on the job, his multi-millionaire computer geek younger brother offers to get him a job as a med rep selling depression meds. he remarks to Jamie that if Jamie earned money just by sleeping around, Jamie would've been richer than he was. as a med rep, in a small town in Ohio he pushes for the depression drug where Prozac is the leading brand and competes and interacts with the leading neurologist there. here he meets Maggie Murdock (yes, this movie reunites him with Brokeback Mountain co-star, the nipple-baring Anne Hathaway), a twenty-six year old who has the early stages of Parkinson’s disease. after their not-so-good first encounter, they become fuck buddies until Jamie develops what Maggie calls his “latent humanity” due to his inability to get it up. she mentions to him about a drug that helps men get wood and he talks to his partner about him selling that drug (yes, yes, this is the birth of the blue pill Viagra) instead of the depression medicines he was first assigned to because, as he said, nobody can sell a sex drug better than him. Jamie gets his fire back and is a big hit in selling the drug. they fall in love, and Maggie finally agrees to be his girlfriend. she says that she is only protecting him before the horrors of her disease get full blown but he insists on being with her. Jamie gets a scare when he chances upon a man who has been married to a woman with Parkinson’s who tells him to “run” because whatever it was that made Jamie fall in love with Maggie would eventually fade and he will just get tired of taking care of her until all he would be is angry and by then it would be too late. Jamie decides to stay and not take the promotion in Chicago to take care of Maggie and go back to med school.

it didn’t make me bawl like a baby crying and it didn’t make me wet my pants laughing. it was okay. the 90s was a crazy era with great music. love does make you cry and make you feel bad that you follow it regardless of the fact that it will make you miserable. yes, it does that, especially when you're told that you should get out when you have the chance, when you're told to run. Jamie does run. he runs after the bus that takes Maggie to Canada where she gets cheaper medication. you know that predictable scene where the guy is supposed to say something to the girl about how great they are together and that no matter how imperfect life is, he would rather be there with her than be anywhere else. yeah, this movie has that too.

then it ends with Regina Spector singing Fidelity. because people who fuck around settle down eventually.

wining (not whining!) and dining

2011-01-24T01:32:00.003+08:00

My boss and I, along with a few friends, went out for a seven-course dinner at the Wine Depot a few hours earlier tonight. It was my first time to do that. My boss Tina and my friend Luzille are wine drinkers and they go to wine tasting events every now and then. Luzille even gave me a book about wines when she came back from Las Vegas. It would’ve been helpful for this dinner, if I read it. I wanted to, I just didn’t have the time to read it. That, and I forgot to bring it home.

first course

second course

third course

fourth course

I don't have a picture of the fifth course because we gobbled all of it before anyone can take a picture. portobellos are sooo delicious.

sixth course

Dessert was pear with brie and vanilla. We were so stuffed to take pictures.

Anyway, it was a very wonderful experience. The sixth course, the steak, was enough to feed me for the next two days. Plus I learned to appreciate wine, not just the sweet dessert wines that you can buy from the convenience store, but real wine to go with your food. Wine has more alcoholic content than beer, but it is far healthier for you to drink. There’s an initial kick that goes with it, but then afterwards, your head’s in a breeze.

I could get used to this. Getting all made up and dressed up for a dinner. I was a girly-girl tonight. Drinking wine. And I got to go out with good friends.

It's also nice to write about positive things for a change. HA!

Kato is the real hero of this movie for me

2011-01-22T19:28:00.007+08:00

whenever i think of The Green Hornet, i don’t remember the American who played the title role but i remember Bruce Lee. Lee played the role of The Green Hornet’s sidekick, Kato. Kato mostly did all the work – he beat up all the bad guys and drove the really cool car at the time. i don’t even remember what the story was about but that Green Hornet took mostly all the credit, said some really lame lines and then he supposedly saves the day. i feel the same way about the movie shown recently in Manila, except that, Seth Rogen is hilarious and for an ass, this Green Hornet is actually lovable. BUT I LOVE KATO.

Jay Chou, the guy who plays this Kato, is soooo HOT. He is cute, funny, sensitive, smart and best of all, he has the moves. at first, i thought it was John Cho so i got disoriented for a while, but i saw that it was a totally different guy who's just as hot the one i was thinking of. but anyway, i digress. Jay Chou reminds me of how cute and funny Bruce Lee was years ago as Kato. he complements this Green Hornet, who at first takes him for granted (when you wake up to really great coffee in the morning, you miss it when it’s gone), doesn’t give him any credit and even rivals him for Lenore’s (played by Cameron Diaz - slightly older but still hot) affections. plus i get a better understanding of what the Green Hornet is about.

for those who don’t know like myself: The Green Hornet, like Batman, doesn’t have any special powers, except that he was born into a rich family. his father was this big head of the newspaper in the city and they never really saw each other since daddy drowned himself with work after mommy died. he stopped trying to be a good son since nothing he ever did seemed to be good enough. spoiled ass. he fires their mechanic, Kato, who makes great coffee. when he realizes how talented Kato is, he decides to keep him as his executive associate.

can i just say real quick that Edward Furlong has gotten soooo ugly? whatever happened to that cute little kid that made us cry in Terminator 2? last i saw him was in the CSI: NY as the villain and my, can you say washed up actor?

so anyway, at first he starts out like a real ass because he just wanted to create hype about The Green Hornet and uses the paper instead of reporting real news. he also hits on the temp secretary, a really good journalist and he just takes Kato for granted. he doesn't have a viable plan as to how to stop the crime going on, he just wants to be famous. The Green Hornet got so famous to the point that he pissed off the district attorney and the leader of all the crime gangs in the city. Brit/GH didn't realize the gravity of the situation so he and Kato fight and argue but then he finds out how his father really died and he realizes that the paper isn't just about sensationalism but responsible journalism.

Seth Rogen pulled this one off as writer, producer and actor, playing the lead of the movie. Jay Chou complemented him and Cameron Diaz is just amazing. it's a good movie. my friends and i just couldn't stop laughing. i think we were the noisiest in the theater.

but JAY CHOU IS SOOO HOT! I LOVE HIM NA!

John Lloyd Cruz is evil

2011-01-19T14:32:00.005+08:00

while waiting for the mall to open so i can do my grocery shopping, my friends and i watched this local romantic comedy entitled My Amnesia Girl. i don’t particularly like watching local films because they’re very unrealistic and they capitalize on our socially ignorant society in order to make money. this is one such film. it gives women the false hope that there is some guy out there who’s attractive, sweet, independent and intelligent who will re-enact their first up to their twenty-eighth birthdays in the pursuit of true love and happiness. it gives women the false hope that men sit down and drink and talk about how to please women, win them over and prove to them that they are the only one. when two or more boys get together to drink, they’re not crying, staring into nothing and restless talking about love. they talk about sex. when a group of guys do talk about love that way, they’re all gay. if they’re straight, they’re not talking about you.

John Lloyd is the hottest thing to hit the movie screen right now. no offense to Diether Ocampo, Jericho Rosales, Piolo Pascual and their fans. John Lloyd is the boy-next-door. he’s the guy you want singing to you Smokey Mountain’s Kailan while waiting for it to rain. he’s the guy you want moping after you when he sees you with another guy the first or second month after you break up. he’s the guy you want your mother to meet as your boyfriend when you come out to her. he’s the guy you want to be the one to put post it notes all over your house with cheesy pick up lines written on them just to show you how much he loves you. but not all guys are John Lloyd. the pretty ones like him are either taken, gay or running after women with legs like that of Toni Gonzaga’s or facial features of Bea Alonso. if you’re funny, you sing very well and you’re a doormat long enough like Sarah Geronimo’s character in that rain maker of a movie, you just might get a guy who looks like John Lloyd. we’re all not that blessed.

My Amnesia Girl (as if you didn’t know) is about Apollo, an independent good looking guy running his own sales firm who has been a bachelor for too long. on the wedding of one of his pals, they look back on all the girls he’s dated in the past and come across the memory of his first love, a photographer named Irene, whom he referred to as the woman who would most likely make fertilizer out of him. enter really really really really cheesy lines. i mean REALLY CHEESY. CAN YOU SAY MUSHY??? they’re funny and most people, men and women alike, are stupid enough to use them as pick up lines but they actually work on most people. they should be more like Anne Hathaway’s character in Love and Other Drugs (i will watch that – she reunites with Jake Gyllenhaal who was her boyfriend in Brokeback Mountain) whose trailer i saw this morning as well. he walks up to her and says, “you’re really pretty when you smile” (hmmm . . . where have i heard this before?) and she answers, “is that the best you got?” feisty. should’ve seen that bleeping trailer much earlier and might have given a better response when that line was used on me.

anyway, i digress. after exchanging really cheesy pick up lines, Apollo and Irene hook up until he asks her to marry him. she asks him to repeat the question after she gargles because she forgets (because she is either deaf or wants to make sure he is really popping the big question women would die to hear from John Lloyd or some bastard they’re pining over) and he tells her this big sob story about how his mother ties dental floss on his finger (he ties it where the engagement ring is supposed to be) so that he won’t forget. he asks her again so she doesn’t forget. but then he turns out to be an ass and leaves her at the altar. damnit, just one look at her and he bails. talk about runaway groom. she waits for him for days but he never comes back. they see each other at the grocery and she pretends to have amnesia so she’ll have an excuse to not know who he is. he tries to win her over. he does. he asks her to marry him again. WHILE INSIDE THE REALLY CROWDED MRT TRAIN. when he realizes that she was lying all along about the amnesia he gets mad at her. jerk. they miss each other, they promise to start over and meet. he gets into a car accident and has the real amnesia. how's that for predictable ending?

of course, my companions were making fun of me as i cried while watching the movie. THIS IS THE REASON I DON'T LIKE WATCHING LOCAL FILMS: THEY'RE NOT REAL. JOHN LLOYD IS NOT REAL. there is no way in hell there is an actual straight man that is as sweet as that. he is a great actor because he is able to make us believe that there are guys out there who would willingly stalk you just to win you back. DOESN'T HAPPEN. remember the movie He's Just Not That Into You? that movie, you should watch. most of us women, are the general rule, and rarely the exception.

again, that's why i don't like local movies. they lead you on. they just give you the false impression that true love will prevail in the end. John Lloyd makes money by giving you the fantasy that it does. true love does not exist. forever has an expiration date.

cunning, funny.

2011-01-10T02:32:00.003+08:00

"20 Million Dollars and that's the face you chose . . . "

why not that face? it's Johnny Depp. it's been years since we saw him at 21 Jumpstreet but he still has the features that can make any woman salivate. i know i do. i still do.

the world is cruel to an ugly face. you don't touch that face. that's why Angelina Jolie is Angelina Jolie. as they say, do whatever you want and the right guy will follow you. that's why she's married to Brad Pitt and we are not.

i'm glad the Manila film festival is over. my apologies to those who are big followers of the local movie scene, it's just that if it's not indie, i'm not watching it. true, the local movies are improving. Rosario is proof of that, not to mention, not all indie films are about violence, sex and gay people.

The Tourist is about an undercover agent tasked to bring in a wanted fugitive for fraud. her boyfriend, the fugitive, asks her to pick out a random person of the same built on the train to Venice in order to throw off the policemen on his trail. she picks out a Math teacher from Wisconsin who is mistaken by a mafia head also on the fugitive boyfriend's trail for money laundered as the real Alexander Pearce.

do people really fall in love that fast? i've been riding the train every day for the last five years and have nothing to show for. of course, Johnny Depp does not ride the MRT. neither does Paul Bettany.

the ending was predictable, but the movie as a whole, was funny, cunning, and very engaging. of course, it helps that the stars are Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie, supported by the very very hot Paul Bettany and former Bond actor Timothy Dalton. because all movies, at the end of the day, are really sappy love stories.

avoiding awkward moment number something something

2011-01-06T10:41:00.006+08:00

get over yourself. there are other factors at work here, some even bigger than yourself. you have to open your brain to the idea that it's not just about you or me. when will you ever learn?

***
let's face it: PEOPLE DON'T LIKE YOU. they hate you more than they hate me. that's a fact. it doesn't help that you're an ass with this whole devil-may-care attitude. you're stubborn, you're impulsive and when you think you're right, even when you're wrong, you assert yourself. that's why we get along. that's also why we argue. that's also why other people don't like you, despite your best efforts - your failure to see the bigger picture.

i'd like to think that after all this time, you've learned something, as i'd like to think i'm learning something. it doesn't help that people still hate us for it, it just means that we're both learning from each other. there's also the fact that people might not have the same appreciation for you as i have. no matter what i do, or say, it doesn't change that. people have their own perception of you and even if you prove them wrong, they will always think about what you've done wrong.

i know it's not about me. i know i shouldn't be there. if there was any better time to be away from you, it was now. after all,you weren't talking to anyone anyway. but what kind of friend would i be if i abandoned you at the time you needed someone the most? i wouldn't be able to live with myself. besides, i promised to watch your back, remember?

i just had to leave. i have things to do and i can't stay even if i wanted to. i'm just trying to avoid being awkward.

***
so we stop flirting for a while and really start working. it was fun while it lasted, though. you gave me a thrill for a time and i needed that. thank you so much for your time. now it's all business, nothing awkward except maybe i still want to bite you. oh well. at least i'm not breaking any rules. like i said, the more i want it, the more i know it's not happening. i know that once it happens, whatever it is, whenever, wherever it will be, when it's done, it will be awkward, so i'd rather not.

seriously, we're still talking about this?

2011-01-05T13:37:00.006+08:00

no kidding, i actually thought i conjured up that conversation. honestly, wasn't that all a figment of our very vivid and productive imaginations? who would've thought that after celebrating the New Year, you and i would still be teasing each other.

i'd be a hypocrite if i said that i wasn't affected by what you say to me. i am flattered, to say the least. why would i not be? i'm fat and ugly and you think of me as a sex object?! you can't imagine what that does to my self-esteem. it's true, i'm not like most women you would ever get to talk to in your life. the responses i give to you will not be the same responses you will get from other women. i am naughty, just as you are and i have this insane ability to tease and keep the boys hanging. that's why you're married, and i'm single.

" . . . i'm not like the girls that you've known, but i believe i'm worth coming home to . . . "
- Tori Amos, Sleeps with Butterflies

i cannot say that i'm not tempted to bite, because you are asking nicely. but i can't help but think that this may all be a trap, a test, one i am surely failing, miserably. whether or not you are unhappy with your married life is of no consequence; it doesn't change the legal fact that you are. you are yummy, and if nobody has come up to you and say that, that's why you feel the need to fish or flirt with seemingly unhappy, bitter single women, let me tell you now: YOU ARE HOT. YOU ARE DESIRABLE. YOU ARE SMART. YOU ARE SWEET. YOU ARE ALSO MARRIED.

i am grateful to you. you prove to me that people are not oblivious to the fact that i work hard, that i am beautiful, that i am wonderful and that i am a great singer. moreover, you prove to me that i am worth loving and that i deserve no one but the best. i deserve nothing less. you and i don't know each other but i feel that somehow i can trust you and that you trust me. you encourage me, if not to lose weight, or fix myself, to clean the house, because i never know who might come over to be violated. or to violate me. but you also convinced me, that i deserve someone out there better than yourself.

this will pass. you excite me. you flatter me. you make me smile. you said so yourself, i look pretty when i smile. but i'm reserving the right of undressing me of the Santa suit, fishnet stockings and "fuck me" boots for someone else less complicated.

tempting, but no.

2010-12-31T01:01:00.005+08:00

i actually really liked you at first. you are one of the few people worth looking at when i first moved to this site. because there are only a few of you and the few who can actually carry a conversation are either TAKEN, GAY or simply NOT INTERESTED. you were under the first category, the kind that was legally binding at that, so i lost all interest. still, it doesn't change the fact that you are pretty to look at. and you're very interesting. i like talking to you. you're pretty witty and to some degree you get me.

i never really realized how much you could get me until we started working together, like interaction and actual conversations. it wasn't much and i didn't really expect much from it. i just enjoy working and talking to you. nothing special.

i would say this whole "thing" started after the company year-end celebration. you found my introduction to the site performance very amusing, to say the least and i have to admit, i was very flattered. you put a smile to my face that day. really. it was a group performance and each and every one of us did their best to make it a great one but somehow you only noticed me. maybe because i was the only one drunk and crazy enough to kneel and spread her legs (hooch, as a friend described) in front of the whole company population. you said i outshone everyone (even the ones who were thinner than i was? - have your eyes checked, dude) and this was the one that really got to me, the trap:

"kung meron like button sa ulo mo nung performance . . . dami na siguro nag-like"*

you even changed your status in IM just to flatter me. you said you were glad you made me smile, because i look prettier when i smile. right. i thought that was really really sweet of you and God, if you were only single, i would have jumped on you that day. damnit, you flattered me so much i feel like i don't deserve it. i know i sing good, yes, but you were using the adjectives, "HOT" and "SEXY" to describe me, which have no direct relation to my singing prowess whatsoever.

while planning for that introductory number, all the drinking affected how we approached the song, how we were going to present it, and the costume that we will wear while performing it. i think we all agreed that if not one of us got laid that night after the performance, then it just meant to show how much we love this company.

it's amazing what a Santa suit, fishnet stockings and a pair of "fuck me" boots can do for you.

i'm a big flirt. apparently, you're a naughty boy yourself. damn.

now there's this sudden pressure to clean the house because i never know if somebody just might come over to be violated. i don't understand.

i can bite anywhere? do you even bite back? why the fuck would you want to be bitten, and by, of all people, me? again, have you had your eyes checked lately? while i don't consider getting married, i respect people who are married. unless they want to be violated. in which case, i make sure i slap them silly for them to get back to their senses. i just make sure not to slap too hard because they, uh, just might enjoy it?

i'm a rebel, i'm pretty stubborn. i don't follow too many rules, but those few rules, i make sure i follow. rules for this scenario are: ONE, you don't flirt with married men and, TWO, you don't shit in your backyard.

THREE would be, you don't shit with the married men in your fucking backyard, no matter how cute or smart they are.

i would've loved to bite you. anywhere. i would've loved for you to crash over at my house and let yourself be violated by me and vice versa because i do want some of that. damnit, i just want to get some, period. but you and i can't. just the idea of you and i talking this way, it's exciting. i enjoy it immensely but we can't. this is pathetic, i know. this is all very tempting, but NO.

*if there was a "Like" button in your head, a lot of people would've hit "Like"

angry girl journal 12.24.2010

2010-12-27T22:58:00.007+08:00

I do get days when I feel lonely and I pity myself. It’s not just because I don’t have a relationship right now. It’s because if not for my friends who look out for me, I would be totally alone. It is common knowledge that I am not that close to my relatives. I mean, I try to maintain ties with them but given a chance to be with other people, I’d be with other people. I’m just overwhelmed at the number of people who invited me over for Christmas and I feel bad to have to turn them down because I’d rather be at work. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate each and every one who has been good to me, even before my Dad died. I have never felt so loved in my entire life. I totally am grateful to friends who are more like family to me.

I want to start my own tradition, and not have to be in someone else's house because I don't have anyone for the Holidays. I would also like to someday take "work" off the options. It's not nice, it's pathetic, to be at work over the holidays. Sure, you get paid more than normal days, but what what kind of life would you have?

I wish to not feel lonely because there are days like that. I do get days like that. I am used to being alone. I don't mind being alone. Sometimes, people just have a way of shoving it in your face that you are but that doesn't mean it's going to ruin it for me.

Happy holidays.

Rosario

2010-12-25T23:29:00.011+08:00

i stopped watching Filipino movies a long time ago. i can't remember when i last watched a local film (not counting two movies i watched on account of me losing my friends - blackmail is a terrible thing) and unless it's an independent film i would find really interesting, i rarely go. it's the mush and commercialism that i avoid. people don't make any good movies anymore, locally, that is. so i shun from the movie theaters completely when the Manila film festival starts.

kudos to Albert Martinez for a great film.

The movie Rosario is based on the life of the grandmother of Manny V. Pangilinan. it is an independent film. her life started out to be promising: daughter of a haciendero, studied in New York, she had her whole life ahead of her until she fell in love with the administrator of her father's estate. of course, being the only daughter, they wanted better for her. at the time, you either studied in Paris, Spain or the Americas or stay in the convent, which was either an honor for families who wish to serve God or punishment for their loose daughters. Rosario eloped with Vicente, had kids and lived a happy life with her family even though she was cursed and shunned by her parents. when her husband gets sick with tuberculosis, she starts working to help provide for her family but she ends up cheating with her cousin's boyfriend. it was a hot scene, actually. also, back in the day, if you cheat and are caught, you get divorced and shipped off to Hong Kong. cool, right? so she and her paramour have a kid and stay in the HK for a while before going back to Manila where they try living again, but with not much luck. she takes in laundry for the other tenants in the building and the guy leaves her. the landlord's nephew has a crush on her but doesn't really make his move, except for the occasional laundry and invites to go to a music recital (where her first daughter plays and she eventually finds out that after her divorce, her ex-husband and cousin hook up) and receives her rent. however, the landlord, who also digs her and doesn't make her aware that somebody else is paying her rent, takes advantage of the fact that she doesn't know her rent's been paid for. he tells her that the only solution is to, well, sleep with him and she does. landlord's nephew finds out and almost beats his own uncle to death. Rosario and her child decide to leave, never come back.

the film's main actors aren't the most remarkable and there had been talk before this film that the actress who plays the main role, Jennilyn Mercado, won't be able to pull it off. but the actress held her own, with a whole cast of big name stars supporting her and Albert Martinez, as director. plus, the cinematography is amazing. every drop of sweat, every breath of smoke, inhaled, exhaled, you can feel it, you can see it. and i don't even know a thing about film making, but as a spectator, i was blown away.

the movie also brings me back to those times when we didn't have TV or the internet and people were focused on learning to read and write poetry, learning to read and write music, the arts. when you woo someone, you wrote good old-fashioned love letters and going out on clandestine trysts were more exciting then because you can hide. nowadays, kids do it anywhere without any fear or shame that they may offend anyone. kids respected their parents then, and even when they did disobey their parents, they (we) felt remorse and the urge to prove themselves in order to return to their parents as better people. while they were stubborn, they had conscience. kids these days are just stubborn period. they don't think of consequences. those were simpler times.

if you're out to see a movie this Christmas season and you're not really that crazy about Ai-Ai Delas Alas, you can see Rosario for depth.

not as awkward as i imagined it to be

2010-12-16T21:00:00.003+08:00

like i have said here before, i have been contemplating about asking M out. her face has come up in Facebook so many times that i was tempted to add her. or message her, at least, to ask her out. now that i have, i wonder why i didn't try before. took me seven years.

after the Shaw OMD party, i went over to our organization's party in order to make an appearance. we ended up being among the last ones left and it was still relatively early so i asked her if she wanted to go out and have coffee. she obliged.

i told her that i have been wanting to ask her out but i was worried that i may offend somebody by doing so and i never really knew how to ask or how she would react if i did. she also pictured our first actual conversation together to be awkward but like me, she was also glad that it's not THAT awkward. i am even afraid to admit i had fun. she is still very engaging to talk to. sure, she's still a pompous ass (actually, more arrogant now than before and she owns up to this) and loud and like me, aside from the strong personality, has a tendency to overly assert herself, but i wasn't bored. some part of me didn't even want it to end. but she was tired and had no sleep at all for the last three days (wuss! 3 days. tsk. try a whole week. how about two weeks? LOL) so we decided to call it a day. she even took me home. oh my M (yes, yes, ex), always a gentleman.

like me, she lives alone, although her new girlfriend (i know not because i keep tabs but because people have a tendency to give me information i don't need) drops by the house every now and then. she asked me how it is for me, living alone and how i get by. i wasn't going to lie and say it's been swell but at the same time,i didn't really want her to gloat. i told her, i have people who look out for me and that i have been very busy with work. of course i could be happier. but everybody else feels the same way so i am no different from anybody else. i just happen to live alone. and while she has family she only comes home to once a year, i have practically no one. i was glad that she asked and that she still seemed to care. that meant a lot to me. i am truly relieved that we are able to talk to each other now, after all these years. i am glad that she and i were able to communicate better than we have before.

time does heal all wounds.

*M, i doubt if you ever have the patience to read this, but it's not that i don't want to add you in Facebook, there's just no option to do so. at alam mong hindi ako namimilit ng ayaw. i'm good knowing you and i are good. finally.

the third Narnia is better seen on 3D - Caspian looks so much cuter

2010-12-12T19:31:00.007+08:00

if not for the movies, i wouldn't find out that the Chronicles of Narnia were, just like Harry Potter and the Lord of the Rings, a set of books which were brought to life through film. i never got to see the first two on the big screen but thanks to my neighbor's cable, i got to see them. after a really tiring two weeks, i spent the Sunday after the year-end celebration watching The Voyage of the Dawn Treader with Mark, Luzille and Jayson. we needed the break.

so the movie starts with Peter and Susan both in America while Edward and Lucy have to stay with their relatives and their bratty cousin, Eustace. their cousin wrote in his diary everyday and was such a brat. all he did was complain and he didn't believe in Narnia no matter how much proof he got. he eventually came around and believed in Narnia.

after he became a dragon.

he was more useful a dragon, or in his words upon realizing this, that he did more good as a dragon than he was being human. of course, it took a sword fight with Reepicheep and the whole turning into a dragon part before he came to that realization. it also helped that Aslan turned him back into a kid, otherwise, Lucy and Edward had a lot of explaining to do.

i swear, Prince Caspian is so cute. there was some sort of power struggle between him and Edward, whom, i must say, has grown and become equally attractive. you don't rush growing up. you don't command respect. pride has a way of destroying people and both Caspian and Edward learned this the hard way during the course of their travel together. it required from both of them strength and heart since the evil has a way of knowing their darkest desires and capitalizing on it in order for them not to succeed in their goal. they were tempted, their faith put to the test, but thanks to Lucy, they got over it.

one of the things i learned in the movie, which i already know, but needed the movie in order to remind me of it is that when you try to be somebody you are not, you change the natural order of things. Lucy had no confidence in herself and wanted so much to be like Susan so that Caspian would like her. she found a book of incantations and got the one where she wished herself away by being Susan. because she became Susan, there would be no Narnia because Lucy was the one who found Narnia. same as, if i wished to change myself and be someone else i'm not, then i wouldn't be bels. sure, bels isn't as cool as a lot of people would like and she's not exactly the easiest person to get along with. but that's how she is and while she has her own way of doing certain things, there are things, people, who wouldn't be complete without bels in their lives.

anyway, i digress. the movie is so good that i am tempted to buy the books but i opt to wait, just as i am waiting for all the Harry Potter movies to be shown. the books are much cheaper that way.

another lesson worth learning from this movie is that size does not matter. each and every one of us has a part to play and Reepicheep is a great example that we all contribute to making this society a better place. what he lacked in size, he made up for his wisdom and bravery and he was such a great companion to Eustace, especially during his dragon days. he was patient and he taught the boy some valuable lessons before he finally left for Aslan's country.

and finally, Caspian, because he looks cuter than he already is on 3D: he had the option to see his father. but then, if he did, he would have to turn his back on his kingdom and all that his father fought for. Caspian learned to believe in himself and in his people. he realized that he would meet his father eventually, but that there would still be much to do to keep the peace in Narnia. seeing his father again would have to wait.

i miss my father too. sometimes. he probably thought i was a failure when he died but i am trying, still trying, to do things that will make him proud of me. just like Caspian.

technicalities only mean one thing: WE WON.

2010-12-12T19:27:00.008+08:00

i'm not being bitter here. i am seriously proud of the team that Anna and I set up. for the last two weeks, she and i have been working and going home just to bathe and go back to work again because we have been overseeing the practice of the band and the dancers for our joint business units' Christmas party performance.

it was the most tiring last two weeks but it was the most fun i have had lately. being in the band again, performing again. taking care of "kids" again. i would do it all over. seriously. Anna and i got so much support from all of our friends that we owe it to them to do good. and we did great. if not for the "overtime", i had a pretty good feeling that we won. and in my heart, we did.

i was telling the dancers and the band members, because we got rock as a genre, which i did not consciously pick, that it didn't matter to me if we lose. i kinda knew that was going to be the impression, seeing that everybody knows i'm a big rock fanatic, that i picked it. but i got that from drawing lots, fair and square. i picked out that we would be the last to perform. it would be hard to pull off considering there are sooo many rock songs to choose from and it would be very difficult to put dance steps on them.

of course, there were obstacles along the way. i have known about this competition for a while but we never really got the opportunity to pick out the team members until late November. we never really got to practice with them until the beginning of December since they were, uh, "distracted" and i didn't get the support i needed from Operations the way i had hoped i would. we didn't get direction until the week building up for that big day. but that's all over now. it's done. water under the bridge. we did it. WE DID IT. we showed everyone that we are a strong force to be reckoned with. there has been so much hype for the other genres that i felt i had to tell them about how hard our team has been working and how difficult it was to get everything together but WE MADE IT.

it has been disappointing that there have been so many changes occurring in the company but that was the one solid thing that Anna and i had going for us. with the help of our friends, Mark, Jayson and Blade, and the now stronger support from the Management team, our team had more confidence in themselves. as the judges remarked, we had the strongest support from the management team and we looked like we had the most fun. we looked like we had fun because it was real: WE HAD FUN. WE LOVED WHAT WE WERE DOING. even the crowd had fun with us.

i may not agree with what the judges' verdict was but i believe in my heart that we did our best, that our Creator was with us that day and He blessed all of us to give a great performance. i won because i have found new friends and family and our team feels the same way. we told them that it didn't matter as long as we had fun, that we gave a kick-ass performance. and we did. we did good.

until next year. =)

***

after the performance, when my crush went down the stage, he hugged me. it was really nice that he did. he came out of nowhere and it wasn't solicited. he just hugged me. that's how i knew, apart from all the help i got, that Anna and i got from our friends, that they appreciated us, what we did for them and the relationships, the friendships, that were formed these last two weeks. i will never forget that.

that, and the song i sang keeps wringing in my ear. i just hope there aren't too many pictures. tsk.

see no evil, buy no evil

2010-12-06T19:49:00.006+08:00

if retail therapy means what i think it means, i just gave in to it.

come payday, i try my best to avoid my obvious temptations: record bar, bookstore. i still have a lot of books on my shelves that i haven't gotten to open yet and there are just too many cds to listen to on your free day. food isn't necessarily in that category considering no matter how i say i need to lose weight, i do need to sustain myself in order to do the tons of things in my to-do list.

it's not really like me to buy clothes and shoes and bags. not really that type. i mean, i try. i recently am trying to improve in that department, even working with some light make up on. it was only after my dad died that i realized that i can actually afford to buy branded clothes and other stuff for myself. but i try not to buy too much. we don't really want to spend it all on trivial stuff.

so i was at this store where my boss and my other colleagues bought some shoes for our company Christmas party performance. the store's name was suggestive that you can pay less for designer bags, shoes and accessories; the principle being that if you will pay less, you have the tendency to buy more. makes sense, right?

i wasn't really that depressed that i gave in to the temptation of buying another pair of shoes other than the pair i was supposed to get for the performance. i am actually more inclined to eat or smoke more when i'm depressed. or write.

but those shoes looked really good! i couldn't resist the urge of getting them.

hopefully i wouldn't be as weak the next time. it's weird how you have so much money and not think of anything good to buy; but then not have the resources when you see something you like. i would like to think my emotional quotient is high that way. i can resist the urge to buy stuff i don't need and even when i do have the money and like what's in front of me, to still sleep on it and come back the next day.

it's a good thing a guy cannot be bought. i can't afford the one i want anyway. too many bidders. and i don't have Canadian money.

HYM

2010-12-01T13:44:00.004+08:00

i first heard this song live at Route 196. i've always been a fan of the band, even back when Zach and Myrene were still NU107 DJs and i have all of their albums. well, all, except the one where this song came from. not yet anyway. they have the deepest lyrics, the sweetest yet most painful emotions put into melody. they make really nice videos too. i especially like their Tagalog songs. each member of the band is friendly, even the ones who session with them :)

***Nix Puno is so hot - i just have to say*** (sigh)

hopefully, when time permits i can watch their gigs again. i've always wanted to sing with Aia. and no, i still can't tell Zach i'm a policewoman now, because i'm not. still a "call (center) girl". tsk.

Huling Yakap Ng Mundo
Imago

Naranasan mo na bang
Gumising na kailangang
Gapangin ang gulo

Lungkot na 'yong dala
Tila sumpa
Mabigat pa sa iyo

Ihahatid kita
Sa dulo ng pangakong
Sisirain mo

Maiiwanan mong nakakapit
Maiiwanan mong pinipilit agawin
Ang huling yakap ng mundo

Matagal ko nang lulan
Ang iyong pagaalangan
At muli kang bibitaw

Marami kang gusto
Kasama ba ako
Sa puwang sa buhay mo

Itatawid kita
Sa dulo ng pangakong
Babasagin mo

Maiiwanan mong nakakapit
Maiiwanan mong pinipilit agawin
Ang huling yakap ng mundo

Oh oh ah oh ah
Oh oh ah oh ah ahh

Maiiwanan mong nakakapit
Maiiwanan mong pinipilit
Maiiwanan mong nakakapit
Maiiwanan mong pinipilit agawin
Ang huling yakap ng mundo

just really glad i have friends

2010-11-27T23:17:00.006+08:00

I have often wondered why I have the friends that I have. Seriously. they're crazy, they're weird. I just happen to be weirder. me attitude problem kaya ako.

I have the most wonderful friends. In my thirty-three years of existence, I have had the privilege of meeting wonderful, remarkable people whom I run to for comfort, for guidance, for strength, for an audience or what-not. I even said at the time, when I was so pissed off with my Dad (God rest his soul) that my friends may not help me kill him (for people reading, hearing, this for the first time, I was THAT pissed off with my Dad), but they will help me hide his body. Yes, there was this unwritten rule at the time that all my friends signed off on to be accomplices and accessories to murder. Seriously, I felt especially loved when so many people came to my father’s wake and expressed their concern in case I needed anything. And now that I’m living alone, I feel it more than ever.

By the way, my friends and I have sealed the deal that I will spend a month each at their house, when I grow old and weary and poor and alone. And when I do die, the song playing on my hearse on the way to my funeral is my version of Evanescence's Bring Me to Life.

Anyway, I digress. I am a very difficult person to live with. I know this for a fact. You either love me or hate me. It takes a person with loads of patience to be my friend. No wonder I’m still single. My friends know I’m stubborn, I’m angry all the time and as one friend commented, I can be pretty self-absorbed, or I could be a handful, as another friend said. I do things a certain way and if you didn’t have the chutzpah, I don’t think you can catch up.

I remember before, when a few of my friends decided to separate themselves from me. Years later I get letters, messages about how they didn't understand me at the time all that shit was happening to me but they realize now that back then, I didn't really have the best options to turn my life around. It's bad when people don't understand you, but it's worse when your own friends can't and that hurt. Then. Now, it's just something you can talk about over coffee.

There are days when I'D separate MYSELF from my friends, because I feel the need to be alone and do my own thing and they get it, totally. We've all learned to respect each other's quirkiness. Bitchiness. I can be an ass, I can make an ass out of myself the same way they can be asses, and make asses of themselves (gives me reason to say, "I told you so," for a change) for even the lamest reasons. After all, birds of the same feather think alike, right?

When I'm with them, I know that there's some higher presence in my life; that Someone Out There is watching over me. I have said here before that God brings people to your life for a reason, either for your sake or theirs, that you may learn from each other and change each other’s lives. And since I’m not close to whatever family I have left, they are the manifestations of God at work in my life. They keep me grounded, they keep me sane, they keep me motivated. They give me a reason to smile. They give me a reason to make a better person out of myself. Sometimes it pains me that they have to come to my defense whenever there are people who don’t take the time enough to know how wonderful I am and I can be. It also pains me that I have this great tendency to hurt them when I can help it. I have this constant fear that I might just push them away when I need them more. I don’t know what they see in me, but I must be special, otherwise, they wouldn’t have stayed in my life for so long. I can’t even stand me.

I'm not the greatest friend. I don't make the best life choices. I am not the most likeable creature in the planet, but the friends I have, I am very glad to say, have seen me through the best and the worst of times and I would never trade them for anything in the world. They're difficult, they can be a pain, the same way I am difficult and I am a pain. But I am just so happy I have them :)

mother, mother

2010-11-27T23:08:00.003+08:00

i've been getting a lot of opportunities to bond with my new boss and i am happy that i do.

i would be the first to admit that part of the initial awkwardness between me and my boss is my resistance to change. i was still hung over from my former boss leaving and there were a lot of things i tried to look for in her because he was that way with me. i was awkward around her and even felt insecure about my position. while she was very nice to me (she still is), i felt at the time that something was lacking, not really thinking that for a good relationship to work, whether it is a friendship, a romantic relationship or a working relationship, there has to be some effort from both parties. and i didn't think about exerting effort at the time, i was just too busy with the getting envious that i didn't bother to reach out. i was busy competing with other people, too busy listening to other people, too busy comparing the old boss with the new one that i didn't realize that regardless of who you're working for, if you're really good and dedicated to your work, it shouldn't matter. and that if i wanted to create a conducive working environment, a smooth relationship with her, i had to start with me.

i did verbalize my feelings to her and she seemed to be genuinely concerned about me, which i appreciated. i still do. every new day that i work with her, i learn something about her, whether it's related to her work ethic or her personal life, i appreciate because i can see an eagerness in her to find out about me too. i can feel that she is amused with me, to say the least. she is simply a happy person. i'm always moody, always angry so i'm thankful that some of her perkiness rubs off on me somehow. she encourages me to go out and have fun. she encourages me to travel. i admire her because she's taking control of her life and i want to be the same way. it's nice to be around stronger, more mature women in your life to guide you.

of course, i still love my former boss and i still miss him. but like he said, i should give my new boss a chance to teach me something new and empower me. i am learning from my new boss. i am giving myself the opportunity to learn from her and about her. i am opening myself to the idea that she will enhance and empower me to become a better employee, and an even better person.

so where are we going now, mother? =)

angry girl journal 11.26.2010

2010-11-26T07:51:00.004+08:00

i don't remember who it was, but i know somebody said that you're not supposed to blog when you're drunk because you might say things you don't mean, things that only come out when you're uninhibited by alcohol. when you're at work, and you read something that really pisses the hell out of you because you think they're so stupid, you're not supposed to be in front of the PC because you might reply in the heat of anger and will be bound to say things you will regret for the rest of your life and you can't hit the recall button fast enough to take it back. you're also not supposed to hit "forward".

stop. breathe.

i write because i have a problem dealing with my emotions. i know i'm not supposed to explain myself, because, while i'm not perfect, i am entitled to get angry, say things i don't mean which i will regret later on. i am also entitled to the accompanying embarrassment that comes after when i realize i am wrong. i am entitled to my opinions and beliefs as long as i don't hurt anyone. well, most of the time, i try not to hurt anyone. oftentimes, i write for me. i write because i find release that way. it is my way of dealing. i write here what i can't say to people because it is the truth, it is what i am feeling at that particular time and it will hurt them. it hurts me having to keep it in but it will hurt more if it came out wrong because i couldn't hold my feelings.

i feel the need to explain myself for the benefit of those who thought it was a great idea to use their vacation time to read my blog, a.k.a. YOU. it is both flattering and annoying at the same time. why? because you will get hurt. you will be disappointed. you will never speak to me again.

i write them here because i'm angry. i am not thinking straight. why do you think i hate arguing through text message or chat? because i will have the tendency to say things i won't mean or regret. i don't like arguing or talking when i'm really mad because i tend to be unreasonable and uncaring. talking when one party is mad is pointless because you will only be provoked and become more mad. which is why i write them here. once i start writing, i try to clear my head and i try to realize that what i say, or said, or could've said would've been a mistake. it saves you the need to hold it in and implode when you are too mad. it saves you any argument that would have occurred when things don't come out right.

of course, it is the worldwide web and anybody could be reading it. it's just like if you left your journal lying around and then somebody accidentally finds it and reads it, it will be open to interpretation. and because you wrote it, you can't take it back anymore. it's forever embedded in somebody else's memory that you said this or that about them. regardless of whether it's the truth or not, regardless of whether you apologize or not, it will not mean anything anymore because you've already hurt someone. the worst part is, you hurt the one who matters to you the most.

anybody who knows me and knows you and the way i really feel about you will know that i have the utmost difficulty to deal with my emotions. i am having trouble with the fact that you are my friend, i am in love with you and i work with you. i am with you all the time. other than all the stress that's surrounding me, that fact i have problems dealing with. because i'm supposed to know better, because i'm supposed to be older and more mature and i'm supposed to know better. you said so yourself, i should learn to control my emotions. this is how i adapt. if i write about it, then i will feel less vindictive, bitter or angry. these are all the things i can't say to you when i'm angry. these are all the things i can't say to you when i'm confused. these are all the things i can't say to you when i'm depressed. because i'm not supposed to.

of course, i said things here that shouldn't come out. of course, i said things here that will hurt you, or things that other people shouldn't find out about, because it will embarrass you. or me. and i should be good with words. i should be able to know and say it without embarrassing or hurting you. i shouldn't write when i'm angry.

i will not try to offer an explanation or apology for what i said or did here or in my life. everything is a learning experience, since, i'm not perfect. i will commit mistakes. i will hurt people and disappoint them. i will say things, do things, that i can never take back and will regret for the rest of my life. i will hurt and lose the people that matter to me.

i will understand if you don't talk to me anymore. i will understand if i lose you in my life. i deserve it. i understand that i will lose someone who means so much to me, who has done so many things for me, even when i doubt everything nice that they did for me, even when i let them down. no amount of words can find redemption for me. this is it, this is the end, this is another one of those friendships that i put to waste because i opened my big bad mouth and typed with my really fast fingers.

i will go hang myself now.

angry girl journal 11.24.2010

2010-11-24T19:09:00.005+08:00

we talk but we're not talking about it. i find it sad because while i know i don't feel that way about you anymore, i know that if there is a possibility, you and i, i would like to explore it.

i miss you, being with you, talking to you about my issues. i miss you making me laugh. i miss being able to vent on you whatever keeps me awake in the daytime.

but there's this wall. you won't talk to me about it and i certainly won't initiate. i will just let it go. i won't even dare to think what might have been between you and me. if it will happen, it will. if it won't, then i'm just sad because i don't want to feel awkward around you.

i wasn't jealous that you asked me where would be the best place to take her out on a date. but i would've felt much better if we cleared the air first. besides, i'm not the best person to ask about date places. when was the last time i went out on a date, right?

i want to be able to help you out with her, or with any girl for that matter, without you thinking at the back of your head that i'm expecting something. i don't want you to feel like you can't trust or talk to me anymore just because you are afraid that if you do, you might hurt my feelings. i love you and i'm happy with the thought that if i call on you, you will be there because you want to be and not just because you made an oath over a bunch of candles that you will be my brother and i can rely on you and you rely on me. i'm happy knowing that you are there.

it's just that right now, you're not. it's awkward.

***

i don't mind that she said that. i don't blame her. she has a point. instead of being mad at me over what she read here, she should pity me. after all, whether you're still in a relationship or not, she's still with you, she has given you the greatest honor any woman can give a man. and, you're still technically together. regardless of how you want to categorize what you have with her or not have with her or how you refuse to admit that you still have feelings for her or are inclined to stay with her for any reason, she still is in a better position than i am. she's actually smarter than what you give her credit for. she loves you more than i can ever quantify how i feel about you. and i envy her. i can only be bitter. i can only be your friend. i can only be your colleague.

i am not expecting anything. i'm not trying to buy you or steal you away. i am happy with what we have. i just get all human and stupid sometimes and i tend to forget who i am, and what i am to you. i forget that i shouldn't put any meaning to what you do to me, for me and i should just be thankful that you and i are friends.

but she is right. i am bitter. she has you and i don't.

remembering how, for a time, my life revolved around NU107

2010-11-22T19:19:00.006+08:00

After my mother died, I looked for a radio station that can arouse me intellectually, especially in the morning, when my mind needs a little stimulation to start working and I found NU107 to be that station, aside from the fact that it played most, if not all, my favorite rock tracks. So when I discovered Jake and Joey in the morning, I was hooked and became a regular caller. That’s how I met Joey, and later on, Roxy too. The show had a pretty good run, until Jake had to go back to the US, I think. When Roxy took over the morning shift, we’d talk (which is more like me bugging her) and I’d come over to the station every once in a while to bring her favorite greaseless nuts. Sometimes, Myrene would come in early and chat with me too, and she’d notice the greaseless nuts and say, “uy, bawal to ah” (hey, this isn’t allowed here) because there’s some strange superstition that you can’t bring over nuts to the station (or a recording studio, for that matter) because whoever’s eating might choke on them.

NU107 launched this talk show every Fridays, 4PM-7PM, called the Gang Bang, with Ron, JD, and Tabitha, where they featured new music. I remember this one time they put U2’s The Sweetest Thing versus Athenaeum’s Flat Tire. The U2’s video came out, featuring the boy band Boyzone and if you voted for U2 (because it is, after all, U2), it would be because you’re a closet boy band fan. To make things even more interesting, if you didn’t know how to spell ATHENAEUM, the vote will automatically go to U2. It was hilarious, especially since a lot of people didn’t really know how to spell ATHENAEUM. The show died a natural death because Ron was also the station manager for NU and didn’t have enough time to squeeze in the show and managing the station. Tabitha moved on to the morning shift left by Roxy and we continued to do correspondence until she gave birth. I try to see her when I can. She’s based in Cebu now.

Zach teamed up with Joey, for Zach and Joey in the Morning. Joey, who came from another radio station, was the big advice giver and Zach was the musically-inclined one who keeps asking me, “Pulis ka na? Pulis ka na? Pulis ka na?” (because I’m a law graduate) whenever he sees me, long after the show bid its listeners farewell. I met a lot of people through that show: regular listeners like myself, band members, and people they featured on the station. For some reason, when things failed me at that time of my life, the show - the hosts, the music, reinforced my faith in God, in myself and in other people.

Of the all the DJs, I had crushes on Mondo (the guy with a large nose, err, heart), Russ Davis (who made me do tally for a weekend Stairway to Seven), and the jock who looks like Ethan Hawke whose name escapes me at the moment. But my biggest crush is Francis Brew, whom I first met at the 1998 NU 107 Rock Awards. I had a couple of drinks at the time and I took the opportunity to ask Roxy and Tabitha to introduce me, while I was asking for his autograph. He wrote, "Bels, you were drunk" on the postcard I asked him to sign. Since then I've been bugging him over the phone during his shift, just so I could talk to someone when I couldn't sleep. Of course, at the time, I thought I was doing him a favor. I was so makulit. I even introduced him to my then girlfriend M. She was taller than him, he thought she was going to beat him up. When M and I broke up, I visited him almost every week before going to review school. When I started managing this band called Traumaligno, I asked (more like bugged) him if they could be featured on his show called In The Raw. He obliged and the band's song Shrimppaste Soda was played every hour, every day for a whole week. He even said on a different episode that I was his favorite lesbian. So sweet, my guitar god.

While managing Troma, we were invited to perform on the concert version of In The Raw, where we met DJ Dylan's identical twin sister. Of course, if you thought Dylan was hot, her twin sister was too. She was also funny, and sweet and she was also working for a call center, just as majority of the members of our band, including me, were. She used to be working for an account that is being handled by my current boss.

I also became a follower of a show called the Gweilo's Hour, named after the bar that introduced us to Orange and Lemons, a band I then thought to be foreign but turned out to be this Brit-sounding band from Bulacan. The show introduced us to music we won't hear anywhere, kinda like Myrene's Not Radio, but slightly milder, or not. One of the hosts, Erwin Romulo, also a writer in a newspaper of general publication, became my friend. We corresponded, I would hang out the station and when he needed help with MS Word on his Carlos Palanca entry, he invited me over to his house. That was on the first night I met him.

Bels: Are you sure you want to invite me over to your house? What if I'm a psychopath?

Erwin: It's okay, Bels. We have guards.

Erwin won a Palanca award for the essay Confessions of a Space Boy, which he featured on his column, The Outsider, months later. He also wrote an article about Morissey which he dedicated to me. Such a brilliant mind. Telling me that he wishes I could write his articles for him is flattering, such an honor for me, to say the least.

When I started working for a call center along Emerald Avenue, which meant it was convenient for me to drop by the station everyday, I would go there a lot and they didn't really send me away. Everybody who worked there was friendly.

I got busier with work, and got farther with work, as the days, months, years went by that even listening to the station became difficult. I just couldn't find the time. I would watch gigs every free time I got and listen in, maybe call the station when time permitted me, but not as often as before. Not as often as I would've liked. That my father died and nobody was there to scold me about my music choices, my curfew and my watching bands didn't help. My work came in the way of my listening to the station.

Now that NU107 is gone, I get mad at myself for all those times I bought food at Banchetto and never dropped by to say "hello" to whoever was on board. I could've listened through my phone. I had my own secluded area, I could've listened, called, enjoyed the music. I could've taken so many leaves and watched gigs they hosted and sponsored as a means of supporting the cause. I could've given back to the friend who was there all those times I was down. People would argue that they changed their format, they "compromised" their ideals, they became artsy-fartsy and shit like that. It's no excuse. NU107 was all about the music and that should've been the only thing that mattered. Now the station is gone and we're forced to move on to other lackluster alternatives. Others come close, though, but they're never the same.

It's nice to look back on all those memories. NU107 played a huge part in my life. I met a lot of people who became my friends through the station. I pray it finds its way back to the airwaves.

maybe i should put a red "A" on my clothes too

2010-11-16T19:08:00.010+08:00

just because it's a holiday with them, doesn't mean i'm on holiday. sure, i see the effort wanting to spend time with each other on a holiday. eating out, watching a movie, drinking coffee and talking sounds like a great idea. but not when i have deadlines to meet. sometimes my daytime friends can be so inconsiderate.

the movie is immensely funny. i didn't really want to watch it at first, since i didn't really feel like watching a movie when i still had tons of work to do. there's something really cool (maybe even a little kinky) about a person talking in front of a web cam. you never know who's watching but you talk in front of it anyway. i am obviously not getting enough attention than what i think i'm getting. i don't know, i've always wanted to be the star of my own reality program. i found it interesting that they mentioned The Scarlet Letter and other classic literature in the film. you don't get that anymore. they also made references to movies by John Hughes. most awesome.

so the movie starts with Olive, talking in front of a web cam, saying what she claims to be "the real truth" about herself. so much has happened that she felt the need to explain her side and we get a flashback of how she became the "slut" of the whole school.

because she refused to spend a weekend with her friend, Rhiannon, she had to lie about losing her virginity to some college boy, when all weekend all she did was stay at home, while listening to Natasha Bedingfield's A Pocketful of Sunshine. talk about LSS. anyway, the overzealous head of the Christian group of their high school, Marianne, overhears the "story" in the bathroom and it spreads quickly like a plague. despite her being smart in class (being brought up by very liberal parents), everyone is focused on the rumors that they don't respect when she recites which leads her to lash at one of them and it gets her in detention.

in detention she meets a guy named Brandon (played by Dan Byrd - really cute son of Courteney Cox in Cougar Town) who proposes that they pretend they had sex just so nobody will beat him up for being gay. since then, all the misfits in school who found out about the deal between Olive and Brandon offer to give her certificates and coupons in order to make themselves more popular and her,unfortunately, more slutty to everyone's eyes. whenever she decides she wants to stop lying, she gets all soft when someone cries in front of her, especially when the school guidance counselor, who is also the wife of her favorite English teacher, confesses to giving one of the guys from the Christian group and Marianne's boyfriend, Micah, chlamidia. he blurts out Olive's name, which makes Marianne, also the girl who spread the first rumor, and Rhiannon, her friend, to launch a protest to have her kicked out of school.

the whole people-talking-about-her thing never really meant anything to her but the thing that pissed her off the most was that, there had been so many rumors going on about her doing this and that, or that boys were always offering to "fake rock their world", but nobody really bothered to ask her out. and when she needed them to fess up, they either didn't want to or ran out of town (like Brandon) or threaten her (like Mrs. Griffith, guidance counselor).

that's where the John Hughes reference comes in. she wanted to be wooed like when John Cusack held a boombox outside the window in High Fidelity or run off in a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey in Can't Buy Me Love and then raise your fist like Judd Nelson in The Breakfast Club.

yeah, i want that to. maybe chivalry IS dead.

without giving too much away, except that she clears up everything. she does get the whole being called out the window with a boombox, she does run away with her longtime crush Todd on a lawnmower and they drive away with their arms raised with closed fists. i love this movie because not only is it funny but it gives me hope. it made references to The Scarlet Letter. i know i made a lousy book report about it in high school but the story kicks ass so i'm pretty hopeful that the movie can, in it's little way, encourage people to pick up the book or the original version of the movie. i also love that it paid homage to the John Hughes films. i miss watching movies like that. i miss chivalry like that.

***

it doesn't take me much to be really upset with you. it just looks like i like to quarrel with you all the time, but that's actually normal. you can be very infuriating so it's not all me.

i value trust in a relationship, especially in friendship, OUR friendship. we work together and both you and i handle very confidential information. we encounter a lot of people who are selfish and we always have to watch each other's backs. here i was, trying my best to protect your ass and you open your mouth only once, just once and you ruin my credibility. WHY? whatever possessed you to think that it was a good, no, a great idea to get me into trouble like that? nothing? no reason at all? no explanation? you know why? because it is stupid. because you have no reason. you weren't thinking. hence, if i get mad at you, it is valid.

i'm not mean to you, not in the way that you think. i have always been nice to you, always there to protect you. i forgive you. you are sweet, but you don't seem to protect me. you protect your own interest. okay, well, maybe you do look out for me sometimes, but you tend to forget other things. or sometimes, you can't help being impulsive, that it makes it difficult for people to deal with you and understand you. you hurt people because you lack finesse and tact when delivering some news about something or anything. you're not rude and yet you sound like you are. you're arrogant. but that's you. and i love you. i just don't think i can trust you anymore.

i need to stop these posts!!!

2010-11-11T10:13:00.006+08:00

tama na. tama na ang kahibangan na to. kinikilig kasi ko eh. pag kinikilig ako, hindi ako nakakapag-isip. pag kinikilig ako, nakakalimutan ko na hindi mo ako mahal sa ganoong paraan. nakakalimutan ko na hindi ko dapat bigyan ng kahit anong kahulugan lahat ng ginagawa mo para sa'kin. thank you na lang dapat ako.*

whatever the fuck possessed me to think you would ever love me like i do you?

i feel stupid. i feel bad because i shouldn't think about our friendship that way. i shouldn't expect anything from you. i shouldn't even be doubting you anymore. after all, you seem genuinely nice to me and it's not just because you're being polite. you seem to genuinely care for me. it may not be in the way that i want you to, but you do. you care for me. you look out for me. i shouldn't listen to people when they say things that make me doubt your friendship or your concern for me. i shouldn't let what people say affect how i feel about you. after all, i'm the one who's friends with you, not them. i'm the one who knows you, not them.

if only i can stop the whole falling for you thing.

let's face it - even if we sometimes forget, i am still a girl. i still get affected when you do something sweet to me, i still get overwhelmed because at the back of my head i feel that i don't deserve what you are doing for me. i get embarrassed because i sometimes doubt your friendship with me; i think bad thoughts when i'm mad at you, but only because i may just be confusing being validly mad at you and being in love with you so it's frustrating me. i feel bad because i shouldn't mix my feelings for you at work. i feel bad because my infatuation for you shouldn't overcome how i feel about you as your friend. i should be your friend first. i shouldn't swoon. i shouldn't expect. i shouldn't give meaning. but you are just too sweet sometimes that it makes me think, or wish, even when i'm not supposed to. i'm not supposed to.

i'm not supposed to doubt how you feel about me, or your friendship. i should be thankful that i have you in my life, that you love me, even if it's not in the way i want. i should be thankful that you are there for me, that you look out for me, that you take care of me. i shouldn't think about anything else. i should just be thankful.

but you are just so sweet.

*i have to stop this. i should stop this madness, this obsession. it's because i feel giddy. when i feel giddy, i don't get to think. when i don't think, i forget that you don't love me that way. i forget that i shouldn't give meaning to what you do. i should just thank you.

nick and norah

2010-11-09T19:18:00.006+08:00

one of the great things about having cable (or having your neighbor have cable) is that if you miss any of the good movies showing because you are too addicted to your work, you just wait a year, or maybe now, just a few months and you finally get to see the movie.

i don't think Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist ever got shown in Manila. but i'm glad it's showing on HBO.

the story is about a "straight bass player in a gay band" and the daughter of a wealthy record producer. straight bass player is still hung over his slutty ex-girlfriend and sends her mixed CDs everyday (closure volumes 1 - 12) and his gay band mates try their best to get him out of the house to forget about her and find something, someone better.

"you don't understand, guys, you don't know what it's like to be
straight" (nick, when his friends are dragging him out of the house)

what nick doesn't know is that all his slutty ex-girlfriend does is throw away the cds he sends in the garbage can. daughter of wealthy record producer shares the same school with her and picks up the cds from the trash bin. nick and norah happen to like the same type of music.

in their search for a band called Where's Fluffy? (the band is supposed to be ubercool you have to look for them literally just to get into their gigs), nick and norah meet in a bar they thought fluffy was playing in and she asks him to pretend that they're boyfriend and girlfriend for five minutes. they kiss too and slutty ex-girlfriend runs into them with her new date. don't you just hate it when a guy suddenly drops everything, especially when he knows he already has the real thing right in front of him in favor of the bimbo?

"that was Nick?!? that was Tris' Nick?!?!?!?! this, (norah, pointing to herself) is not competing with perfect little that!(pointing to nick's slutty ex gf) . . ."

slutty ex-girlfriend asks nick if she and her date can get a ride and nick gives in because he thinks slutty ex-girlfriend will dump her date. norah goes to find her friend caroline because she decides it's her turn to be drunk and norah's turn to take care of her. while looking for her, norah also runs into this lanky guy who just uses her (like a sort of boyfriend but not really - jerk) and her name to get free entrance and free drinks from bars, because, after all, she is the daughter of the wealthy record producer.

nick and norah eventually find caroline. their band finds a drummer. they find fluffy. and end up with each other.

too bad it's just a movie. but then, there are so many instances when i felt like that's happened to my life, minus the happy ending. i'm just so glad my neighbor has cable.

do you really need that much money if you lost all your friends?

2010-11-08T08:24:00.004+08:00

so instead of camping out of the NU107 studio grounds at the F. Ortigas Avenue before midnight, my friends convinced me to watch the movie The Social Network.

The Social Network is about internet social networking website Facebook, and the resulting lawsuits. while you could say that the movie is a documentary drama about that thing that keeps us hooked to our PCs probably every waking second we get the chance to log in, it is actually, in my opinion, a film about friendship.

Eduardo is Marc's best friend. Marc lacks social skills. Marc is powerful in front of his PC. Eduardo supports Marc's latest project, TheFacebook.com, both morally and financially. Marc finds a new friend, Sean and thinks he's cooler than Eduardo. Marc thinks since Sean has experience with projects involving the internet, he sorta dumps Eduardo and his friendship. The Winklevoss twins are hot (or at least portrayed by hot twins) and popular and they got Marc to be their programmer but sues him for supposedly stealing their idea. Eduardo, the dumped friend, acts as witness for Marc in the Winklevoss case but acts as plaintiff for another. Eduardo has an Asian girl obsessed with him for a girlfriend. Marc lost his girlfriend and is trying to invite her to the social network he invented. He keeps refreshing the page, waiting for her to confirm that they are friends. Closing credits.

imagine being rejected as a friend in the social network you invented. it is used by millions and you have lots of friends, but rejected by the one you want. imagine being sued by the person with whom you started and shared something important with because of something as fickle and shallow as money. we may be talking about billions and billions of money but at the end, it's just money. come on.

too late the heroes

2010-11-08T08:14:00.004+08:00

if all the people who listened in, logged in, called in and visited the station, camped outside during its dying hours, minutes, seconds before it signed off, had been there all along, would it have been enough for the station not to close down?

i think i remember francis brew reyes asking someone who dropped by the station (that or called in) sunday afternoon where they were all this time. yeah, where were we?

of course, NU107 meant a lot to me. it meant a lot to so many people. it's no wonder a lot of them camped out of the NU107 studios in Ortigas. but i just swung by. called in. didn't even bother to stop and actually make my presence felt considering i have been a stalker of their DJs all these years. i have changed, of course. it was too emotional. i wouldn't know what to say, how to face them, stuff like that. plus there were too many people who probably felt as strongly as i, even more, who would've wanted to do the same thing: light candles, hug the DJS, the techs, take pictures (it IS a big event when one of the pillars of Philippine rock decide to throw in the towel) and videos or just simply be there. we all want to be there the same way the station, the music, has been there for us, if only for the last time. unfortunately, things don't work that way.

if you had a band now, where will you submit your demo? if you wanted to go out, if not for Facebook, how would you find out about a gig? just like any other company, NU107 isn't just about the bands. they have engineers, accountants, people who do not have anything to do with the music side of the business who try to keep the station running so you and i can listen to our Muse, our Sandwich, our Yeah Yeah Yeahs, our Peryodiko, our U2 and our Foo Fighters, and everything else. they work to give us our Pocket Concerts, AlterNativity and Independence Day sessions. while all we do is try to figure out how we can watch a gig with backstage passes for free, they're trying to get advertisers to put a show up. a band can always beg (or pay, as the case may be) another radio station to play their songs, you can catch up through any social network where to go to see a gig, but it's not that easy for an accountant or an engineer (unless they're really really really good) to look for work near Christmas time.

we could argue that a lot of people who used to listen to NU107 on a regular basis stopped listening because the station either sold out or "compromised" to reach a bigger fan base. these are the people who are either used to listening to glam rock, new wave or are just simply opposed to anything new. the station, like any band or artist, evolved alright, started giving exposure to this or that band, introduced us to different flavors of rock and roll. evolved. change is either good or bad but for what it's worth, the only thing constant is change and NU107 might have "compromised" their sound than change the format altogether. we can give them that. we should.

maybe it is too late to show our support, respect, love for one of the greatest things that ever happened to Philippine music. but i don't lose hope. we shouldn't.

the last thing i'd want is for some poseur to claim this or that about NU. anyone who's had a band or who's been angry and has looked to music as an outlet for that anger for whatever reason, who's grown up listening to NU, we're the only ones who can say that, claim that. it's a bit elitist, the exclusivity, but i can talk of worse things that may have led to NU107 closing down. this is not the time.

we are still mourning.

angry girl journal 11.05.2010: i have to stop this

2010-11-05T18:57:00.006+08:00

i have to stop this.

not the angry girl journals, silly. this.

here i go again. i'm not supposed to be this way. i don't feel comfortable crying in front of anyone. i have managed to keep an angry facade for everybody and reserve my right to cry in front of only a chosen few. you are one of them. much as i hate to admit it, you do affect me sometimes. and while i promised i will try not to cry in front of you, or because of you, promises are made to be broken.

and you saw it.

i was crying because it just occurred to me that i always put you first. never myself. it occurred to me that while i said it’s okay, that i’m okay, that i won’t expect anything, i do. i mean, i don't expect anything and i know that i shouldn't. i am just human, you know. i can only program my brain for so long and then it hits me that i can’t just be friends with you. one way or the other, when i least expect it will hit me, like hell, how hurt i am that i have these feelings for you and you’re just . . . . an ass. an ass who couldn’t care less about how i felt, no matter how many times you say you do. if you know you can’t reciprocate them, if you can’t be careful enough not to hurt me, it still counts as not caring about how i feel.

it should be easy for you, to know me, after all, we've been working together for so long. not that you're required to, but if we have to work so closely together, if we have to be around each other a lot, i think, that if we can't, i can't, i have to lay down some ground rules (for myself, at least) to avoid getting hurt. after all, i am your friend. i have to understand you, i have to work with you. i don't expect you to do the same thing. i don't expect anything from you period. but maybe, as courtesy to me, you could be a little more sensitive.

i have to stop.

i don't know how some people do it, how people can contain themselves and not feel anything. i can manage. i thought i could. i thought i can. like i said, there are just days when you think, why the hell not? why won't you? why can't you? why do you think i don't deserve you (or, in your words, i deserve someone better) when i chose to feel this way about you? of course, what i deserve, what standards i have, what i feel about you, may be subject to debate. maybe YOU have high standards. that, or no standards at all.

right. i don't even like me so why should you?

if i can't stop, i have to learn to hold it in. if i can't stop, i have to learn to keep away. if i can't stop, i have to learn to sacrifice more than i already have. if i can't stop, i have to learn to balance feeling this way and caring for myself. if i can't stop, i have to learn to just work with you. if i can't stop, i have to learn to hide it more. if i can't stop, i have to learn being numb again. if i can't stop, i have to learn to love someone else because i know i will only get hurt if i don't stop loving you.

angry girl journal 11.03.2010

2010-11-03T19:23:00.018+08:00

The United Kingdom and Australia have both sent a travel advisory to their nationals to avoid the Philippines, including Manila because of imminent terrorist attacks.

What is wrong with this picture?

For starters, other than in parts of Mindanao, where there are insurgents, I wouldn’t really advise not going to Manila or the Philippines. There are worse places to be in and you can get terrorized, maimed, raped or killed anywhere so I don’t understand why they would go out and send a warning like that against our country or any country for that matter. I mean, I know we have a lot of pervs here, as anywhere else, but anywhere you go, there will be terrorists, and rapists and muggers and thieves and corrupt politicians so why single out the RP? Or should I say PHL?

I have a lot of complaints about this country but the minute you start dissing it because you think your world is safer than mine just because you can unleash this or that missile to blow it up or release a biochemical weapon that can kill all of us and everybody else in this planet, doesn’t mean it gives you the right to diss ours. I just prefer using the English language but once people go shitting racist on me because I’m color brown or because they think they’re country is better, safer than ours, tangina, mumurahin at babastusin ko kayo sa tagalog. Wag na nga kayo pumunta dito sa bansa namin. Just stay in your God-forsaken countries where people speak like they have stopper up their butts. The people in this country, they don’t commit crimes out of passion or obsession, they only commit crimes because they don’t have food in their bellies. That or because their parents couldn’t raise them with enough education to vote for responsible people in office to educate and feed them.

***
I recently attended this seminar for people like me. When I say people like me, I mean other executive assistants and administrators like me. Or more commonly known as secretaries. It’s a title thing here in this country.

I learned a lot from that seminar. Some of the things I already know and put to practice since I have had the pleasure of working with great bosses (I mean this one and the last one, no offense to those before) who empower me and make sure that I put to great use all my potential and some I hear for the first time and look forward to using in my dealings with people.

You must know that I came from a shift that day and went back to shift after that seminar so I was a walking zombie last week and my stress level was really high. I got a lot of compliments from people though, considering that even if I have been awake for about thirty six or so hours, give or take, I still looked fresh. I am lucky to have caught on the important parts.

There was this one activity where we were asked to list down all the characteristics that made us feel good about ourselves. Afterwards we had to write all the things we did that made us interact with people really well. Then we were asked what our idea was of a perfect world would be. This was supposed to be our personal mission sheet. If you didn’t have one at the time, we will teach you how to make one. This is done by picking out the two nouns from the first list, two verbs from the second list and then picking out your idea of a perfect world.

My notebook kinda looked like this. Of course, my writing was getting really bad already since I was really sleepy until the facilitator asked us what our idea of a perfect world is:

Now, people who know me personally know that my handwriting gets much bigger when I am angry or elated or when I am just immersed with what I am writing about in general. He really woke me up with the whole perfect world idea. When he saw my penmanship getting bigger and of course, angrier, he made me read my personal mission out loud:

I will use my voice and my writing to motivate and encourage people not to push other people in or out of the elevator or MRT.

I will use my voice and my writing to motivate and encourage people not to leave trash in front of other people’s lawn.

It’s a pretty simple mission. I have very shallow needs or expectations from my fellow man. Unfortunately, common courtesy, common sense, for that matter, is scarce.

We also had an ego anonymous session in that seminar where I discovered that I am not only proud, I am also fearful – of course, the more common term is afraid, as in afraid of rejection. I’m not just a proud human being, I’m also a scared human being. When you are too proud or too afraid, you tend to miss out on a lot of stuff, and you detach yourself from others and your Creator in the process. It also explains why I am still single.

***
We haven't talked about it. You just seem to be using my name in your house a lot just to be able to get out. I haven't seen a grown man try to use my name so many times just to get permission from his parents to leave the house. Apparently they trust you with me enough that the mere mention of my name gives you a pass, no questions asked. Guess i'm that cool to your folks. They're not thinking i'm their potential daughter-in-law, are they?

I'm just glad you're talking to me again. And maybe, it's better that we don't talk about that anymore. Maybe it's better this way.

***

I don’t mind that she read my blog. I mind that she didn’t or doesn’t understand.

Nothing worse than being misunderstood by the girlfriend of the guy you are pining over.

you only get a home of new rock once in a lifetime

2010-11-03T19:23:00.016+08:00

i first read it on one of the former NU rock jocks' blog and up to this day, i can't believe that they are on their last week of airing. you know that this is the end when all the rock jocks are coming back to do guest appearances or actual board work. you know it's the last week of airing when you can hear Guns N' Roses playing right after Tanya Markova and The Beatles, or playing Maria Cafra or any other classic song and they're trying to accommodate you and play the songs you want to hear even if they can't find them.

i can't even begin to describe how sad i am that the station has to close down because of budget or something. i've always thought of the station as a companion. it got me through my mother's death, my break up with M and then my father's death. now, i am all alone and NU107, the home of new rock, closing down and reformatting, no longer being the home of the music i grew up with and loved, is like another one of those deaths or break ups.

one of my fondest memories of the station booth, the guitar god and the band traumaligno

i've met so many people along the way: DJs, listeners, bands, writers, people. some of them i still get in touch with and meet every now and then, some are still on my Facebook page. some i have yet to see again because they've been part of my development as an individual. i remember a friend saying that i have managed to transform my "stalker tendencies" to helpful business connections. that much is true. i used to be really really irritating, especially when i lost M. i think i hung out the station and bugged the DJs everyday. if i wasn't there personally, i'd call them. i used to call the station everyday and give my opinion about this or that song or topic or DJ. i think there would be one or two, maybe more DJs i've pestered through the years, but some have remained great friends or acquaintances of mine. like, i'd approach this or that person and he/she would recognize me as an NU listener and there'd be an instant reaction. it wouldn't always be pleasant but it was a reaction nonetheless.

my guitar god and me

i love the station, and the people i have met through it. i've only been part of one Rock Awards but that experience was the best i've had. the education in music that i have had through NU107 is, for lack of a better word, since i am so speechless right now, is amazing. i am glad i listened to the station for as long as i have and did, since the music i get from it, both local and foreign rock acts, i wouldn't hear anywhere else. i've met too many people, heard too many songs, learned too many things through NU107 that i don't think i can rant and vent enough to say how grateful i am to it or how bad i will miss it. the station has unconsciously become so much a part of me and my life.

and now i don't know what to do anymore.

i can always go to the beach some other time

2010-10-24T20:26:00.005+08:00

i know i already said i'd go but my plans changed during the daytime that made it impossible for me to arrive at my law school alma mater at 6PM for the meet up to go to Laguna. so i thought i'd get in touch with my friend Jordan from the other call center i worked for, since he's been bugging me for the longest time to watch a gig. watch a gig we did.

of course, by the time we got there, it had already started. i think we missed two bands. Good Morning High Fives were up, with Martin and Pops Nievera's son Robin playing guitars for them. it's nice to know that we don't have to commit the mistakes done by our parents and we can choose to live our lives differently. even the music we play. the vocalist was very pretty hot although i didn't feel her intensity while performing. i just thought everybody was into it save for her. it felt like her eyes were empty, almost like she was awkward. the band as a whole was remarkable, despite being young and all. but that's just me.

quick observation: why are the girls that go to these gigs look like maids? what is happening to the gene pool? and, what makes all these kids, not just the girls, think that just because they have their DSLRs, that they're artist/photographers? some of the people who showed up for that gig probably know zilch about the music they're listening to. they don't deserve to be seated. it's like they went over there thinking it was a soiree. or a dump site of
ugly music-ignorant people with digital cameras.
there were other bands, whose names i can't remember right now while i'm typing this but aside from Taken by Cars, and Tanya Markova, whom everybody was waiting for, i thought Turbo Goth was awesome. as Dianne, my other companion, pointed out, if the White Stripes played gothic electronica, this was how they would sound and look like. Sarah Gaugler was amazing. she was subdued intense in contrast to Paolo Peralta's possessed intense. what a pair they make. what awesome music they make too. i've never seen so many xpats come over to see them perform. for a while i thought i was working again. but they were slamming. i just couldn't help but love them. i saw their video over at MYX but it was not amusing as seeing them perform live. if i hadn't known anything about them except that they were tall and their tattoos and their clothes (fashionable duo as well) called attention to them, i was a fan the minute they stepped out of that bar. Dianne asked who they were when Paolo was setting up and i said, "don't worry, hon, he will introduce himself to you". true enough, we were standing their set the whole time just banging our heads.

another band that caught my attention was December Avenue. to compare them to somebody else just to give you an idea what type of music they play would be a disservice to them, as they are unique and wonderful. but just to give you an idea (HAHA), they kinda sound like Gin Blossoms meets Switchfoot, for lack of better bands to come up with, as words evade me at this very moment. all i know is that, i would love to be wooed with their songs. not too noisy, not too mushy and yet, very much entertaining.

of course, there were other bands whom i cannot remember at the moment and even if i do remember their names, my words will fall short to describe how great their performance was and how elated i am to be in their presence. i am not so good in words that way.

i loved Taken by Cars and Tanya Markova. i feel so bad that i haven't gone out in a while or listened to the radio as much as i wish i could. everybody else was standing, singing along to their songs and i'm there, standing, just in awe, basically. maybe i'm too old, or just too busy. but my ears are still recovering.

i can always go to the beach some other time. i'm already thinking about backpacking and going to this and that place. i can meet my fraternity brothers and sorority sisters at some other occasion but gigs where i can see the bands i like, i rarely get a chance to do and going to this gig, i certainly did not regret. forget that i haven't slept from my shift last night. that was awesome.

will do again some time. soon i hope.

angry girl journal 10.22.2010

2010-10-24T20:09:00.003+08:00

"if a guy is already trying to kiss you, why would you want to meet with someone else?"

words of wisdom from my itay Nathan. he has a point.

i tell you that he has a point and you get back to me, asking me the same thing. why do YOU think i went over to meet YOU when HE was already trying to kiss me? i'm not sure who between the two of us is more stupid: me, for running away from him to meet you when he was obviously there for me, or you, for not getting that i wasted a perfectly great opportunity to be in a great relationship (if not a perfectly great opportunity to get laid after three years) just to be with you. you're really REALLY dense, do you know that?

you are being very sweet than your usual self lately. i get that. you're surprising me more frequently these days. i don't know what the deal is. i'm just going to be grateful that you are and not try to over-analyze the situation. i'm just happy you're still with me. because now, he is not.

***

i know i was wrong for leaving. i know i was wrong for thinking that you wouldn't care. of course, you do. i'm just not sure how much. i was always sure how much you cared for me. i was always sure that you would be there, that i can count on you to be there.

basically, i was scared because after we kissed i don't think i would ever feel that secure anymore. i didn't know how i feel about you or what happened. i don't know how you feel about me or what happened. i'm afraid i might not like what i find out. i've always felt that if i call you, i know that no matter what happens i know, i feel, i am SURE you will be there for me. i feel bad because now, i'm not so sure.

i don't know how i would react after we meet again. i don't even know what i'd say. i don't know how i'd feel.

i just need you to talk to me again. i wish you would talk to me again. please talk to me again.