Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Sunday Beauty Queen: you do everything for family

i remember watching the movie Edna and how depressed i was after seeing it.  for a woman to have to leave her family to go to abroad in order to take care of someone else's home, children and pets and treat them as their own for a fee, it is an extremely difficult choice to make.  these are hardworking women, some if not all of them have degrees, end up cleaning other people's toilets in a different country whose only form of recreation to look forward to is the beauty pageant held every Sunday.

Hazel.  Leo.  Mylyn.  Cherrie.  to us, they're just random names.  but they're someone's mother, sister, daughter, wife, girlfriend, friend.  they all made a choice:  to stay in the Philippines with their families but penniless and starving or to work in another country, despite hardships to give them a better life.  not all of them are treated properly, fairly, but they suck it in for the sake of their loved ones.

it's disappointing to hear that Sunday Beauty Queen is in danger of being pulled out of theaters because of its supposedly poor performance at the box office. here is an opportunity for us to see how our loved ones try to overcome their homesickness overseas, how much they want to go back to the country but can't, won't, because they want to be able to fulfill the dreams of family back home. it showcases the Filipina's resiliency, sacrifice and love for family.  these women miss out on birthdays, graduations, holidays with their families, with the only consolation being that they can send that hard-earned money to give their loved ones a brighter future.

i hope we support all the films in this year's Metro Manila Film Festival. please allow Sunday Beauty Queen to remain in theaters until the end of the festival. it may not have any celebrities, but they feature our modern-day heroes.

Thursday, December 01, 2016

always one of the boys.

i don't remember who took this picture, but i remember asking to have it because i knew it was going to be my last year with them and they were all very fun to be with.  we would study together in the field, and they would tell me to stop smoking while we were all reading our books (they had Marketing,  and i was a law student).    we would all go to that place where they serve really good fried squid with rice at a cheap price.

they are all grown into fine men with great careers and great families and even if my time with them was short-lived, and they may not even remember but they made me feel like i belonged - a big sister and confidant.

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

angry girl journal 11.23.2016

i don't understand this insane obsession with sex tapes.   i don't understand why threats are being made to present sex tapes as evidence.  why can't we present videos of people stealing money? tapes of people accepting bribes?  videos of people shredding documents that can serve as evidence to clear/implicate someone? videos of people killing material witnesses? videos of drug pushers actually  absconding or shooting the police back?   we have seen a video of a police vehicle backing up on a bunch of protesters;  of plunderers surreptitiously burying a dictator in the place where we bury our heroes; but it obviously does not mean anything.  it is not "evidence" because there is no sex involved. 

Friday, October 14, 2016

Gwapulis 2016: do they have Q&A portions too?

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i caught a glimpse of the six finalists on the bus on the way home. they looked really good and very fit and very clean.  heard my frat brod was even a judge for the pageant.  i'm not familiar with the mechanics but i'm curious as to how the Q&A portion went:

"what can you say about extra-judicial killings?"

"do you feel objectified in any way in this competition?  how do you feel about the objectification of people in any pageant? (compared to women beauty pageants, did we get to see our cops in boxers, or swimming trunks? just curious)

"as a police officer, even in the event of a shootout, is it not necessary to try to immobilize the suspect first and bring him for questioning instead of going for the kill because no one should be deprived of life, liberty,  or property without due process of law or be denied equal protection of the laws?"

"if you became the Chief of Police,  what will you do to improve the peace and order situation? do you believe that eradicating poverty and educating the masses can lessen crime? (let's face it, if they weren't trying to make easy money, pushers wouldn't be into drugs, yes?)

"doesn't joining this competition make you an easy target for cop killers?"

"in your opinion, should members LGBT community be allowed to serve in the PNP? why or why not?

"as the ambassador for the Philippine National Police, what can you do in order to change how the masses perceive men in uniform? how can we change the image planted in people's consciousness that they should be equally scared of cops like they are of robbers, rapists and killers?"

"shouldn't you be out fighting bad guys instead of being here?"

don't get me wrong.  i admire these men.  they took an oath to protect and serve all of us.  it doesn't pay much and it is not an easy job but they do it anyway.  they do not have super powers and they are not always this attractive but they deserve our respect, our support and our cooperation. through this competition, we hope that people will see the police force not just in a different, but better light; not just our protectors but great partners in our country's fight against crime. 

Tuesday, October 04, 2016

angry girl journal 10.04.2016

i think one of my biggest disappointments in life is that apart from it being mercilessly unfair, it has shown me countless times that at the end of the day, there is no one i can rely upon, but me.

Saturday, October 01, 2016

angry girl journal 10.01.2016

this is why i don't believe everything that comes out in the papers!

this isn't so bad, though.

Saturday, September 24, 2016

never, never, never: because i never forget

my parents were big fans of music and they loved Shirley Bassey.  there weren't any records in the house, save for the vinyls of the James Bond movie OSTs.  my mother hardly sang in the house. it was always my father.  he used to be in a combo, after all.  but this one, she sang whenever she heard it play on the radio on Sundays.  and she sang it well.

"Never, Never, Never"

I'd like to run away from you, but if you never found me I would die 
I'd like to break the chains you put around me, but I know I never will 
You stay away and all I do is wonder why the hell I wait for you 
But when did common sense prevail for lovers when we know it never will 
Impossible to live with you, but I know, I could never live without you 
For whatever you do 

I never, never, never want to be in love with anyone but you
You never treat me like you should, so what's the good of loving as I do? 
Although you always laugh at love, nothing else would be good enough for you 
Impossible to live with you, but I know, I could never live without you 
For whatever you do 

I never, never, never want to be in love with anyone but you
You make me laugh, you make me cry, you make me live, you make me die, for you 
You make me sing, you make me sad, you make me glad, you make me mad, for you 

I love you, hate you, love you, hate you 

But I'll want you till the world stops turning
For whatever you do 
I never, never, never want to be in love with anyone but you
I love you, hate you, love you, hate you 

But I'll want you till the world stops turning
For whatever you do 
I never, never, never want to be in love with anyone but you
I love you, hate you, love you, hate you 

But I'll want you till the world stops turning
For whatever you do 
I never, never, never want to be in love with anyone but you

it is hard living all alone.  i may seem to be okay, but there are days when i'm not and i miss them. this is one of those days.

Friday, September 23, 2016

because singing frees the soul of its pain

had the opportunity to perform the song Gravity earlier. i am able to sing it now, without crying, because the source of my addiction, my pain, is gone. i am blessed to be free of that pain. it was a very emotional song.

that, and closing my eyes keeps me from getting nervous, conscious, and awkward while singing.

Wednesday, September 07, 2016

angry girl journal 09.07.2016

i have ideas in my head that could make for a good story.  but just like my imaginary conversations with you, they're scattered, they're incoherent and they never leave the board. if ever i get the chance to sit and let the words flow, i want to try to avoid all manner of cliches and stereotypes so it doesn't just become any story.   it is OUR story, after all.

maybe when i'm ready, i'll write them all down.  maybe when i'm ready, all the banter in my head between you and i can be reality.  

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Ang Bagong Pamilya ni Ponching: of text scammers and peanut butter

Ponching grew up not knowing his father.  his mother would leave him in church whenever she had to work, with only the parish priest and his best friend Elmerson to call his family.  until the Dela Veras.

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this movie reminds me so much of  the Sandra Bullock film, While You Were Sleeping.  Ponching didn't mean for the Dela Veras to believe his text scam the same way he didn't mean to be endeared to them.  he loves his mother and his best friend deeply and would like for all of them to have a better life but never in the expense of other people.  this is why despite the scam, the Dela Veras took to Ponching and gave him a job.  like Lucy, Ponching comes clean with the family and is loved right back.  while we never really figure out who the real estranged son of Santiago is, Ponching meeting the family and bringing them together is the best thing about this film.  

Monday, July 18, 2016

Pauwi Na: leave no one behind as we go home

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given the limited time i have because of my schedule, i swore that if i had to watch any movie from the ToFarm Film Festival, it would have to be Pauwi Na.

Pauwi Na is a film based on and inspired by an article published in the Philippine Daily Inquirer about a family going home to their province.  due to lack of funds, they had to travel via pedicab.

the movie reminds me of a story i learned in law school about a ditchdigger. a man walks up to him and asks him why he digs the ditch. his reply was, "i dig the ditch so i can earn money to buy food that will give me strength to dig the ditch".

of the family, Isabel is closest to Jesus.  she speaks to Him and sees all that He does to take care of their family in their journey.  Meryll Soriano is magnificent as Isabel.  I cannot imagine anybody else doing that character.  Cherrie Pie Picache reminded me so much of the lady who used to wash our clothes for us, even the way she smoked.  she portrayed the wife and mother having a hard time making ends meet but still has faith in her family.  she wasn't loud and irritating when she nagged JP for his indolence and his philandering or when Pepe kept coughing.  i couldn't get mad at Mang Pepe for what he did.  he had a family to feed and a grandchild on the way.  truly, life is never just black and white, good or bad.  Jerald Napoles and Chai Fonacier play their children, the grifter and cigarette vendor, respectively.  Chai plays Pina and she represents all those wide-eyed young women who wish for better life for themselves, by trying to get the attention of an older white man to save them.  JP is the thief who loves his wife Isabel but he cannot seem to help himself.  in one scene, JP says to Isabel what every woman who has fallen in love with the wrong man dreams of hearing and while the line has been overused, given the circumstances by which JP utters them, still makes it effective.  Jerald, who has garnered fame as a comedic actor through the musical Rak of Aegis, proves in this film how talented he is.  Jesus Mendoza plays Jesus Christ (yes, that's his name), Isabel's  guide and savior.  he portrays a merciful and truthful Son of God, as He guides Isabel and her family in their journey home. his Christ reminds us that His Father helps those who help themselves.  while we think God has abandoned us, he shows us that there is a day of reckoning for everyone.

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this movie made me cry so much.  it made me realize how fortunate i am and how there are so many things i have in my life that i take for granted.  this family made the most of what they had and they looked after each other the only way they knew how.  at the end, you respect them for the choices they made for their family. they made several sacrifices on the way but you love them anyway because you know that you would do the same for your family.  truthfully, what the Filipino family is all about.  

*i do not own any of the photos.  both are courtesy of Paolo Villaluna, director of the movie Pauwi Na.  

Saturday, July 16, 2016

song gets me every time

i started listening to Alanis Morissette in college at a friend's house, when i sang in the band as part of a Literature project.  after that, i got myself her Jagged Little Pill album.  it felt like she read all my diaries and ripped my heart apart and sang out loud what i could not.  she was my voice.  she was every young angry girl's voice.  that she and Ryan Reynolds got engaged gave me hope, it gave all of us hope.  we didn't have to be a cheerleader to get the guy.  so when they broke up, i became despondent.  it's an angry girl thing.

when i heard this song, i remembered how it was to get my Dad's approval.  that great affirmation that i was good enough.  up until the day he died and to this day, i feel like i've disappointed him and never lived up to his expectations as a daughter.  it's taking me a while for me to get over it. whenever i hear this song, i get taken back to that day i made him cry so much because i failed him:


Sometimes is never quite enough 
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love 
Don't forget to win first place 
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face 

Be a good boy 
Try a little harder 
You've got to measure up
And make me prouder 

How long before you screw it up 
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up 
With everything I do for you 
The least you can do is keep quiet 

Be a good girl 
You've gotta try a little harder 
That simply wasn't good enough 
To make us proud 

I'll live through you 
I'll make you what I never was 
If you're the best, then maybe so am I Compared to him compared to her 
I'm doing this for your own damn good You'll make up for what I blew 
What's the problem...why are you crying

Be a good boy 
Push a little farther now 
That wasn't fast enough 
To make us happy 
We'll love you just the way you are
 If you're perfect

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

he said his name was "Jay"

i think the guy just hit on me.

every day, on the way to work, i ride a van to get to the train station.  i usually pay for two when i sit up front so i can surf the net while listening to music or doze off.  there's usually slow, heavy traffic anyway. i did the same thing today.  then the driver started talking to me.  i didn't really want to engage in small talk but i didn't want to be rude.  we were alone in the vehicle for about a good twenty minutes before the next passenger boarded.  i had hoped he would stop asking more questions and opening up as more passengers came in but he didn't.

he's single but he has two kids.  he's thirty-five.  he doesn't own the vehicle he's driving.  he used to drive for Uber too.  he likes riding motorcycles.  he used to play basketball in my subdivision's court.  he likes to sleep in the afternoon. he enjoys the idea of being single although he gets lonely sometimes.  and while he says he's open, he referred to gay people as, "people like them".  that's how he asked if i was, given i was still single at my age, and i wasn't exactly in the mood to explain what i am.  if i did, i would have to explain the difference and i didn't want to go there.

people often say that one good way to find a life partner was making them undergo the "traffic test".  it's when you pass the time during a traffic jam talking about a variety of topics and gauge how the other person is similar or different from you, depending on how they respond to certain issues.

i am not actively looking for a life partner.  not anymore, anyway.  and even if i was, i'm too shut down to let anybody in.  you would have to be really brilliant or awesome for me to break down my walls.  if anything, the whole conversation made me uncomfortable.  i don't go around sharing valuable information about my life to random strangers, given how paranoid i've become. i think that means he didn't make the cut.  besides, i've known too many drivers in my lifetime to know that they all lie about their civil status.  we all know how i hate complications like that.

talking to him did remind me of AYM a bit.  he was fairly attractive, after all, just not my type.  he was pretty confident about flirting with me and had i been the young, idiotic and naive girl so eager to fall in love that i was before, it might've worked.  now it's just a story i write about.

Thursday, June 30, 2016

aym situation report 06.30.2016

it's been two weeks since you last got in touch with me, and while i was quite preoccupied with work the whole time, i did miss your messages.  it's not like i died or that my day went incomplete because i didn't hear from you.  it's just that these messages have been the highlight of my day for quite some time and mostly during those times when i felt that the only one i had was you.  if anything, you had impeccable timing.

i think about you, i worry. i hope that you are always well.  while i did not hope for anything romantic, i had hoped that we would have a relationship that was not based on the premise that you could one day be able to give your multi-level marketing speech to me and i would have to say, "No."  this is not my first rodeo, after all. but i do care about you and i meant all that i had said.  you have to experience me for who i am, not for who i can be to you financially.  everybody needs money, but i don't want that to be the basis of our friendship.

i want to be friends, and i can be a really great friend.  it's just too bad you didn't stick around to find that out.

Friday, June 03, 2016

angry girl journal 06.03.2016

i did not inherit my mother's good looks.  however, i do believe i got her patience, and her strength, how she always saw the good in people, even when they abused her kindness.  i'd like to believe i inherited her good heart. well, i did.  it has been shattered to pieces over the years, though.

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now all i have is a wounded, beaten up black heart.  one that misses you so, Mama. 

Monday, May 30, 2016

angry girl journal 05.30.2016

i'm taking a moment to pray for the people who bodyshamed me:

may you never lose a family member;
may you never get abused for your kindness;
may you never be told that despite your best efforts, you weren't good enough;
may you never be dumped with problems by people who don't care about your worries;
may you never be stalked and not feel safe in your own home;
may your friends never abandon you in favor of a promotion;
may you never be approached by people only because they want to borrow money from you and then forgotten when you need them.
may you never feel so depressed and alone with no one to comfort you but food,
may you never get your heart broken.

because sometimes eating sweets is better than slitting your wrists or killing people.

Sunday, May 29, 2016

angry girl journal 05.29.2016

thank God, this work day is done. next project, please!

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it was twenty years ago when my mother passed away.  not a day goes by that i don't think about her and i've managed to keep myself preoccupied by either going out with friends or working on the day she joined our Creator.  i don't think i'll ever be okay from losing her in my life, especially when i think about all of the things we could still have done together.  all the things i have accomplished would've meant more had she been with me, but i just get stronger.  i know she would have wanted that.

Monday, May 23, 2016

aym situation report 05.23.2016

there are days when i have come to rely on you to cheer me up better than my closest friends do, and i don't even know you.  all i know is that you manage to make everyone around you smile.

i don't know anything about you.  i don't know what goes on in your life or in that head of yours.  but i do hope you know that even though we're not close, that you can count on me too;  i don't know how though as i'm a bad person.  but i'm here for you too.  

Thursday, May 19, 2016

aym situation report 05.19.2016

i still haven't made up my mind about you.  but i'm glad you're there for me. 

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

angry girl journal 05.18.2016

i have a weird sense of humor which i don't expect everyone to get.  i don't think i'm smarter than everyone else; we are all equally wounded and i try to find the lighter side of it, no matter how dark.

Saturday, May 07, 2016

angry girl journal 05.07.2016

yesterday, my phone service was out. i couldn't send and receive any messages. i couldn't make any calls and i couldn't get a data signal. i called it in and i was told that we had an "unscheduled system upgrade" because of the elections. it's probably back up now, i don't know. i haven't checked yet. i kinda enjoy being off the grid.

Thursday, May 05, 2016

angry girl journal 05.05.2016

you'll never find me
you'll never catch me
you'll never find me

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accident prone.

Friday, April 22, 2016

the Prince is gone

Orion's arms are wide enough to hold us both together
Although we're worlds apart
I'd cross the stars for you

I only want to see you laughing in the purple rain

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i remember sneaking to watch a betamax copy of Purple Rain when i was younger.  my parents wouldn't let me see it because of the love scene between Prince and Apollonia.  he was a great guitar player and dancer. i can't believe how much of a big fan i was until the radio station played his songs  again in his honor.  he is a sight to behold on stage, a powerful performer.  he will be missed.

good night, Prince Rogers Nelson.  

Friday, April 01, 2016

angry girl journal 04.01.2016: April fool

despite the wrong spelling, someone went out of their way to make me smile today:

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and one who makes me smile everyday:

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Friday, March 25, 2016

Only Lovers Left Alive: Einstein's Theory of Entanglement is spooky

Adam and Eve awake in separate parts of the world:  he, in Detroit, lute on lap, and she, in Tangier, on her bed surrounded by books.  for lovers who cannot live without each other, it's hard to understand why they cannot be in the same place.

Christopher Marlowe refuses to be addressed in public, especially since he wrote most of Shakespeare's masterpieces.   he refers to Adam as a suicidally romantic scoundrel whom he laments not having met before he wrote Hamlet.  Adam had been a major influence to countless writers, musicians and scientists.

Adam, unlike Lestat, prefers seclusion over fame.  while both use music as a means of expression, Adam would rather live in the shadows, while mastering his craft.   having acquired substantial scientific knowledge over the years, the vampire has managed to build contraptions to power both his home and vintage sports car with technology originally pioneered by Nikola Tesla.  which would make sense because if i were a reclusive vampire and i don't really want to see anyone, the idea of going out for gas or paying my Meralco bill would irritate the hell out of me.  but he is despondent, and even if Eve were on the other side of the planet, she can feel his pain and she goes to him.  they drive around, they talk, they walk together, they dance.

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i have never seen a couple so good together on screen.  i have always been fascinated with vampires and if i were to walk the around for all eternity, i would want to have my soulmate walk the earth with me.  that is what they are together.

"When you separate an entwined particle, and move both parts away from the other, even at opposite ends of the universe, if you alter or affect one, the other will be identically altered or affected. spooky."

Monday, March 21, 2016

Sakaling Di Makarating: nothing beats good old-fashioned letter writing

kids today will never know and appreciate a good handwritten love letter, or any kind of snail mail period.  they will never understand the effort that comes with writing down your thoughts and telling them to someone so vividly that the person reading can feel them breathing out of the page.  which is why the movie Sakaling Di Makarating (In Case They Don't Arrive) appealed to me.  sure, it's another travel movie that tells you that in the process of looking for someone or something, you might actually find yourself.  it is that, yes, but it also takes us back to that time when people actually took the time to write to someone and meant every word.  it takes us back to the time when we anticipated the coming of the mailman to bring us letters from the people we care about.  that flapping thing on your gate isn't just for your utility bills, you know.  it takes us back to that "archaic" time before emails and messenger and twitter and snapchat, but it means, taking you back to that time when connections weren't fleeting, when they actually meant something.

Cielo comes home to an empty apartment with a bunch of boxes and a mattress.  she broke off her engagement after being with  Mark for eleven years.  she initially suspects that it is her next-door neighbor Paul who sends her the postcards, but it turns out it wasn't him.  so she sets out on a journey to all the places painted in the postcards, in the hope of finding their source.

Alessandra de Rossi is wonderful as Cielo.  she's cautious but she's not afraid to try new things.  she wants to find out who her anonymous letter-writer is but she's also careful not to let her guard down.  Pepe Herrera is brilliant.  you want him to speak his mind, tell all his feelings but we're all scared he will get shut down because we love him already; then again, JC Santos is so mysterious, so chivalrous, that you want him to be M.  Therese Malvar just gets better and better every time.  she will become a fine actress one day.  also noteworthy are the silent characters of the film:  the breathtaking scenery, the exceptional poetry and the amazing artwork captured in each sent postcard.

Sakaling Di Makarating, like all letters, brings to us a great story. it reminds us that while love and loss are inevitable, we have the rest of our lives to look forward to.  we seem to have this mindset to explore and seek adventures only to recover from heartbreak that we forget that traveling is about meeting new people and learning new things.  it's not about finding someone new, it's about finding YOU!  if you just happen to meet someone in the process, well then, lucky you!  but don't let that be the only reason you get up on your ass.    there's always something special about getting out of your comfort zone to seek new horizons and the film succeeds in teaching us that.  but more importantly, it shows us that there is a life waiting to be conquered, there is a life best enjoyed without your smartphone.  we may as well be looking for something for so long so far when it's just right in front of us, we were just too busy with our smartphones to see it.

as for me, i'd take a handwritten letter, even a small note of appreciation, any day;  and i will go back to writing again, chronicling every new adventure, whatever, wherever, whenever it may be.  

Friday, March 18, 2016

Jessica Jones: you like her but Kilgrave wins

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while i'm a big fan of the Marvel movies, i'm not too familiar with any of the comic book characters. in fact, i didn't know any of the characters until the movies came out.  so you can say that i'm not that geeky.  i mean, there are purists out there.  i'm not one of them.  so i didn't know who Jessica Jones is, or why she's important, until Netflix announced that David Tennant will be starring as Kilgrave in the show.  David Tennant being, of course, my favorite Doctor.  so brilliant an actor, i've been crushing on him since he was Barty Crouch, Jr.  oh, by the way, i don't have Netflix either.  if i did, this post wouldn't have been a year late.

Jessica Jones, played remarkably by Krysten Ritter,  is one of those "gifted" folks living in Hell's Kitchen.  she has superhuman strength and she can jump so high, it's as she were flying,  or "guided falling", as she calls it.  having been under Kilgrave's control for a while, she gives up the hero bit and opens her own detective agency.  she suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder and is a skilled alcoholic.

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i love her character for her honesty.  she's a big liar, of course, she's an alcoholic, after all.  what i love is that she's not trying to be the hero, much like other strong women with edge like Root and Shaw of Person of Interest, or even Gretchen from You're The Worst.  you know they're good people, and they always want to try to do the right thing, their ever-swaying moral compass notwithstanding.  Jessica tries her best; he efforts, her means, not always thought out properly or perfect, but always with the intent of doing what's right.   she knows she cannot save everyone, but will go through great lengths to protect the one or two people she cares about.  and while Trish will never have Jessica's abilities, she will always be the one to keep her grounded.

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David Tennant, as i have mentioned, is brilliant as Kilgrave. he has charisma.   i could not totally see him as a villain, although i admit to being terrified by the violence he told people to inflict on themselves. you look at his face and he's so charming, you'll gladly do what he orders.  i mean, when you think about it, he's not after world domination, he doesn't want to rob banks.  he's just really selfish, and very much obsessed with Jessica Jones.  she was the one person he couldn't control, not anymore anyway, the one he considered his equal.  you even pity him in a way, when you think about how he came to have his powers or how his parents abandoned him, forcing him to fend for himself.  you feel for him because he never really knows if people do the things he tells them to do because they want to or because he said so. and we go back to having great responsibility with great power.  think of all the good that can be done with that ability, and all the things that could go bad when in the wrong hands, or head, i should say.  Kilgrave was terribly misguided; he was so consumed by his obsession with Jessica.  you could even say he just wanted to win this girl's affection but some people just don't take rejection very well.  they leave a trail of bodies behind weighing on your conscience.  this reminds me of the Tenth Doctor's first appearance and the Sycorax invasion:  surrender or they will die.

Kilgrave never really dies, i guess. Jessica left him for dead and he still managed to haunt her wherever she was.  when somebody's inside your head, you have to be really strong to shut them out.  it's why Magneto wears a helmet, right?

anybody can be a hero.  even with the smallest of gestures we do for someone else can mean so much.  but with extraordinary abilities and the responsibilities that go with them, it cannot be as easy as black and white.  in the world of Jessica Jones and Kilgrave, those lines are blurred and it's hard to tell between hero and villain. any wrong decision can mean a person's life.

"Knowing it's real means you gotta make a decision. One, keep denying it... "

Wednesday, March 09, 2016


attractive young man messages bels.  bels ignores message and responds a day and a half later.  attractive young man messages bels again.  bels replies to message twelve hours later.  attractive young man is still awake.  attractive young man and bels message each other.

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aym asks for bels' cellphone number.  aym texts bels.  bels texts back. aym and bels message each other until aym runs out of load.  that or he fell asleep.

it's probably networking.  i'd help the guy if i could but i'm pretty much covered right now, thanks.

he'll wear out eventually. 

Friday, February 26, 2016

angry girl journal 02.26.2016

i'm feeling quite emotional while lining up to pay for the house debt.  my heart is pounding and i'm not sure if it's because i finally get to pay it after all these years or because i haven't slept since yesterday coming from work.

i was going to drop by the office to check my mail.  it doesn't just pay the bills, after all.  it keeps me occupied, makes me feel less alone.

it feels so heavy, i can't stop crying.  had to look for a corner to compose myself.  i don't even know why i'm crying!

of course i got distracted by the two Brit guys who walked passed me.

and then i got lost trying to follow the tall, hot European lady that i forget where the way to the train is supposed to be.

i probably do need a doctor.  and i don't mean David Tennant or Matt Smith.

the house is an anchor that has kept me in one place for all this time.  so much has happened to me, so many things, all painful, that i'm only just starting to work on fixing my life.  i got so preoccupied with getting angry and trying to help people fix their own mess that i forgot to take care of myself.  that everything is starting to fall into place towards what's good for me,  what's best for me, is exhilarating to the point that i am in tears.

there are good things that have happened in that house, but they're not enough to cover all the bad.  it is time i left all that's bad.  slowly but surely to whatever is good for me.

Monday, February 22, 2016

every nerd's imaginary boyfriend

when David Tennant announced that he was leaving Doctor Who, a lot of people were crushed.

that's because they never expected to fall in love with Matt Smith.

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i obviously came in late in the Elevenwagon.  i've been crushing on Matt only very recently.

because David Tennant is married.

i don't have much to say, i'll let that picture of Matt speak for itself right there.  

Saturday, February 20, 2016

3D: Danao, Dancel, Dumas

i rarely get to watch any gigs now, so when i saw this, and that i had carry over leaves i could not convert to cash, i asked Chris if he would go with me to see it.

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that these three are all talented men with guitars is an understatement.  each one is unique in terms of their songwriting and each one of them will cut you so deep you never know if you can recover. with  all of these songs, you might want to kill yourself.

i only know one of Johnoy's songs, "Ikaw at Ako",  used for the indie movie Kasal.  the movie was about an independent film director who cheated on his lawyer-boyfriend.  while they stay together, it's one of those things they never really stop fighting about.  the song gets played at the right moment, that whether you are the cheating director or the closet lawyer who was cheated upon, you would want to get the first pointed object that you find and cut yourself.  his other songs are equally good and sad but some are hopeful plus the guitar-playing is admirable.

i first saw Bullet Dumas perform on the farewell show of Cynthia Alexander four years ago.  i thought he was, is a great storyteller, not to mention a very fierce guitar player.  whether singing in Filipino or in English, the themes are catchy and unpredictable and in between songs, he will say something humorous.  he is neither awkward or arrogant, and he will slowly touch your heart without you noticing.  i'm probably even crushing on him.

of course, i have been a fan of Ebe Dancel for as long as i can remember.  i was, still am, a big fan of his former band, Sugarfree and i even went as far as exchanging emails with Ebe not too long ago. i adore him.  his songwriting is impeccable and the way he performs each and every song is so powerful.  he is truly a great artist.

i came out of that concert alive and i look forward to see more of them.  even if it kills me.


Ebe Dancel had spoken about his depression publicly and i thought it was so brave of him to come forward and encourage everyone, anyone, who is afraid to seek help, or someone who might know someone who needs help, not to take depression lightly.  truly, he knows there is pain and he is channeling all that pain to good use, so that simply by writing and singing these songs, he touches our lives, and maybe, gives us hope too.

i hope performing in front of all of us was a blessing to you, Ebe.  i know, seeing you and listening to you, not just to your songs, but to your story, gave me strength. thank you.  i needed that.  

Friday, February 19, 2016

weekend love forecasts

i don't believe in signs.  or horoscopes.  as much as possible i don't let anything get in the way of how the day will go.  when you think that the day will go a certain way, you take away your power to change it.  so i don't rely on fortune-telling so much.  you make your own fortune.  you change your stars.

every so often though, or every Friday, at least, i try to check them out for the hell of it.  it amuses me to a certain degree.  they're not always, not ever right.  but you hope sometimes.  and this is what i have for this weekend:

Virgo Weekend Love Forecast:
You're so down-to-earth; you almost long to be mentally led astray by someone distracting enough to throw you for that kind of loop.


are you strong enough to be my man?

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you never know if they will ever come through, come true, right?  


you see me
you say, "hi"
you walk away
and you leave a dent in me every time you do

Monday, January 11, 2016

can you hear me, David?

to the man who taught us that we could be heroes for just one day: sleep well, Major Tom.

the stars look very different today . . .

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Friday, January 08, 2016

The Ninth Doctor rocks

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Doctor Who is a British science-fiction television programme which depicts the adventures of the Doctor, a Time Lord — a space and time-travelling humanoid alien, the last of his species, wandering the universe in his TARDIS (Time And Relative Dimension In Space), a sentient time machine and spacecraft.  the show has been on for the last fifty years, with its revival show aired more than a decade ago.  you know me, i've always been fascinated with the Brits.  call me a late bloomer, but i still think it's never too late to start, after all, we have time.

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the series revival features Christopher Eccleston as the Ninth Doctor, the last of his kind, following the time war.  after helping him defeat the Nestene Consciousness (the living plastic),  the Doctor invites Rose Tyler (played by pop star Billie Piper)  to travel with him in the TARDIS.  together, they have lots of adventures including saving the planet earth from total destruction.

while Christopher Eccleston was the Doctor for only one season, his great portrayal brought about the revival of the series, providing a new generation of fans with more awesome and wonderful stories to experience.  it is because of the Ninth Doctor that we have met David Tennant's Tenth, Matt Smith's Eleventh and now, Peter Capaldi's Twelfth Doctor.  it is but fitting that my introduction to the Doctor was this great man in jeans, with a v-neck shirt and leather jacket.  Nine was brilliant and funny, bruised, yet brave.  a rock star Time Lord.

one of the things that's so wonderful about this show i have come to realize, is that for a science fiction show, it has a lot of heart.  it teaches spectators like us to dream, to fight for what is right, to read,  and to be brave.  the Oncoming Storm teaches you that one of the best manifestations of love is sacrifice, and he was one hell of a Doctor.

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he will regenerate and he may change, but you never forget your first and he was FANTASTIC.