Thursday, December 10, 2015

angry girl journal 12.10.2015

i still don't know how or why i've become so sad.  it's still something i'm trying to figure out and overcome because it is already getting in the way of my work.  i just feel so alone right now.

the problem with talking to people who already know who you are, how you are, is that they do tend to think you might just be acting.  because they know how strong you are, they know that you will get over it eventually and they won't even bother to make the effort to try to hear you out or cheer you up because you can make it.  it's sad when you can't rely on anyone but yourself and the people around you leave you to your tendencies.

but what if i run out of ties?  what if i can't snap out of it?  what if cutting myself suddenly becomes a great, lingering idea i can't get out of my weary head?  of course i don't think so, that's why i don't do it anymore, because i know better.  but don't they think i get tired of crying all the time?

it's not like i'm not trying here.  i am.  i really am.  i'm doing my best to focus on work.  it's hard when all i feel like doing is cry all the time.  work is the only think i have other than my faith that is constant.  my faith hasn't waned, but that i cannot focus on work because the sadness takes over, is really hard for me.

i know not everyone can be there for everyone all the time.  but i try.  i can.  i am.  most days.  so how come no one is here for me?