Monday, November 30, 2015

angry girl journal 11.30.2015

i'm bipolar.  i don't know for sure, i haven't been diagnosed.  i'm scared to find out.  but it's the only way i know or can explain what i'm feeling.  when i was younger, they would call it, "manic-depressive", but now science, and the internet, have both come up with one word to describe it:

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i easily switch from happy to sad and back.  i have been able to successfully mask my sadness in front of others.  i have been able to show to people so far that i am well-adjusted (weird, but well-adjusted) and i have a sound mind.  lately, i don't believe it to be so.  i have trouble working.  i cannot focus.  it frustrates me that i am unable to focus on my duties.  i have been like this for a month now.  it saddens me that i seem to be unreliable at work.  it saddens me that i am able to comfortably help others with their own tasks, issues, problems, but i never seem to be able to work on my own.  it has been a struggle.  i have made people believe that i have no right to be depressed about anything.  people are so used to me so hyper that oftentimes i feel like i have no right to be unhappy or show any sign of negative emotion even when i am aching inside.  i try to shake it off and focus.  FOCUS.  i'm having trouble getting it together.  i cannot keep it together.  it makes me sad that i cannot focus on work.  when i'm alone and i can't reach out to someone, i look forward to my work to keep me preoccupied so i don't feel as sad.  after all, they say that work will always be there.  so it frustrates me that i cannot work as efficiently as i'd like.

i have been alone for a long time.  i have.  even when my parents were still alive, i felt that way.  it was a battle i was facing on my own with no one helping me, no one guiding me.  i would sink so quickly in it and fight my way to get better just as quickly so no one would see how bad it was getting.

For Everyone Who's Actually Still In Love With "Love Actually"

i don't want to be a burden to the people around me.  i don't want them to feel obliged to help me out when they don't want to.  that's why they don't ask how i am, right?  it's because they cannot be bothered to care about other people's problems apart from their own.  they make me feel like such an insignificant part of their lives and yet they come by and disrupt my equilibrium when they feel like it.  they automatically think that i can and will drop everything for them when they don't even bother to ask if i am alright.  nobody cares for me.  and yet i feel so strongly for these people.  it disappoints me so.

people are so quick to dismiss me and my pain, like it was so easy living alone.  if only i could switch it off as easy as you would say, "snap out of it!" but it's not.  it's not like i haven't tried that yet. people only reach out to me when they need me for something but nobody ever seems to ask me how i am, how i feel and how i am holding up on my own.

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i'm trying to get better.  i'm praying.  i talk to people.  i focus on work.  it's a struggle but i'm working on it. i'm not as strong as people think i am.   i will get better.