Saturday, July 25, 2015

angry girl journal 07.25.2015

while i don't think i'm THAT intelligent, i've done too many wrongs to be with someone just for the sake of having a relationship.

i know i deserve better than that to settle for anything less.

 photo women high IQ_zpsctssgse5.jpg

i got into this conversation with a lady who was as old as me who was also single.  she said i should lose weight, wear contacts and grow my hair long.  so i can finally have a relationship.

okay . . .

when i was younger, i thought "normal" was the way to go.  you follow what your parents want for you, even if you don't really want to do it, even if you can't, you kill yourself to be that person because that's what's normal.  you do what everybody else was doing.  you conform, you get a guy, you marry him, cook for him and wash his clothes and stay miserable even if he cheats on you and beats you up.  hell, i cheated on M, then the love of my life, with a guy i didn't even like that much, because i wanted to conform to what's normal.

i could probably be alone for the rest of my life, and  while i have some difficulty accepting that considering there are so many horrible people in this world and they have somebody who loves them,  i can live with it.  i will live with it, instead of having to force it with someone who doesn't think i'm worth it. i don't want to do that anymore.

i mean, look at this way:  if you went ahead and said to me that you liked me and you thought you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me, no matter how much i wanted to be with you, i'd still be skeptical and ask, "why?"  i know, that question is always, would i go out with me?  what would i have to offer you?  maybe i do, maybe i don't.  i'm scared to open the door, break down my walls, because, i don't think i can afford to lose anymore of what's left of me.

so dear lady, let me ask you:  why are YOU still single?  who died and gave YOU the license to judge me and my radical beliefs about relationships?  sure, after all this, it might even be YOU who finds someone because i'm too "intimidating", too weird for people.  but then worse things have happened in the world.