Saturday, July 25, 2015

angry girl journal 07.25.2015

while i don't think i'm THAT intelligent, i've done too many wrongs to be with someone just for the sake of having a relationship.

i know i deserve better than that to settle for anything less.

 photo women high IQ_zpsctssgse5.jpg

***
i got into this conversation with a lady who was as old as me who was also single.  she said i should lose weight, wear contacts and grow my hair long.  so i can finally have a relationship.

okay . . .

when i was younger, i thought "normal" was the way to go.  you follow what your parents want for you, even if you don't really want to do it, even if you can't, you kill yourself to be that person because that's what's normal.  you do what everybody else was doing.  you conform, you get a guy, you marry him, cook for him and wash his clothes and stay miserable even if he cheats on you and beats you up.  hell, i cheated on M, then the love of my life, with a guy i didn't even like that much, because i wanted to conform to what's normal.

i could probably be alone for the rest of my life, and  while i have some difficulty accepting that considering there are so many horrible people in this world and they have somebody who loves them,  i can live with it.  i will live with it, instead of having to force it with someone who doesn't think i'm worth it. i don't want to do that anymore.

i mean, look at this way:  if you went ahead and said to me that you liked me and you thought you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me, no matter how much i wanted to be with you, i'd still be skeptical and ask, "why?"  i know, that question is always, would i go out with me?  what would i have to offer you?  maybe i do, maybe i don't.  i'm scared to open the door, break down my walls, because, i don't think i can afford to lose anymore of what's left of me.

so dear lady, let me ask you:  why are YOU still single?  who died and gave YOU the license to judge me and my radical beliefs about relationships?  sure, after all this, it might even be YOU who finds someone because i'm too "intimidating", too weird for people.  but then worse things have happened in the world.

Thursday, July 16, 2015

birthday plea to the universe

about a year ago, i made a request to the universe to have Jared Leto sing me Maligayang Bati while playing guitar for my birthday. a girl can dream, right?

this year, i'm putting it out there again, along with the other yearnings of my heart, mind, body, and soul, since we cannot get 64 (my crush), or 65 (the one i want to grow old with), to sing it for me. so how about it, Jared?

 photo Jared Leto_zpsbov2xa54.jpg

Friday, July 03, 2015

imaginary conversations with you, about you

you have been crossing my mind lately, but like him, you are a dream.  something that will never ever happen to me, but puts a smile on my face when i think about it.  we all have our fantasies, to keep us distracted when life gets too stressful.  it can be healthy.

K:  (referring to A) so did he meet the age requirement?

Bels: who what? no! i mean, he probably does.  i don't know, we're not.

K: i can see the way he looks at you.  i can tell.

B: you can tell that he meets the age requirement?

K: (a little irritated now) i can tell he likes you.  maybe even more than like -

B: you can tell that from his age?

K: wag ka nga! i know you like him, too.  you liked me too, you just have this stupid rule!

B:  well, it's not a stupid rule. i liked YOU too, i still like you and you know perfectly well why i don't like you the way you want me to.

K: and why is that?

B: because you're already in a perfect relationship, a great relationship and i'm . . . i don't do that.

K:  do what?

B:  i don't ruin relationships. the way he is also in a relationship.  he and i, we're just friends

K: hindi ako naniniwala na friends lang kayo

B: yes! he and i are just friends, you are my friend. you are all my friends because i am a very friendly person.

K: so na-try na rin niyang maging "friend" mo?

B: i'm not answering that . . .

K: i don't understand you

B: then understand a person who's been hurt so many times that she's built a wall around herself and won't let anyone in.  understand that she's been through so many bad things that she can't see a good thing even when it's right in front of her

K: you're going to miss out on a lot . . .

B:  believe me, i know

A: hey, what's up, K?

K:  eto, inaasar ko lang si bels.  pikon eh hehehe

A: oo, pikon talaga yan

B:  mas pikon ka kaya.

K:  sige, p're.  dun muna ko (leaves)

A: ano yun?

B: he asked if you and i were sleeping together.

A: ano'ng sinagot mo?

B:  sabi ko friends tayo

A:  why did you tell him we were just friends?

B:  because i don't know what we are other than that (with matching walk out)

A:  hey, hey, hey, i thought you said you didn't believe in labels?  you were the one who didn't want a definition to what this is - 

B:  i did.  that's why we're putting a lid on it because i don't want to talk about it anymore. 

A: did he try to be "friends" with you?

B: no

A:  no, you didn't sleep together or no, you did but you just don't want to tell me?

B: no, as in, no.  i won't answer that.  what is it to you anyway? 

A:  huuy, okay ka lang ba?  okay ba tayo?

B:  okay lang tayo, anuber?  

A:  kasi pwede naman nating i-define, ikaw lang eh

B:  we're not having that conversation. 

A:  will we ever? (your turn to walk out)

we can turn this into an indie film, starring you and some girl.  i think we can talk about you and me in it.  how you and i could be together, the unlikely couple that we are.  how i never want to believe it could possibly happen to me because so many things have already happened that made me feel like i don't deserve to be loved, especially by someone like you, but that you found me anyway, and we're together.

that'll be the day.