Tuesday, June 30, 2015

angry girl journal 06.30.2015: nothing ruins friendship like a trust broken

as people who care about me know, i am very stubborn.  i have a good work ethic, i seem to be nice person but there are things i do on occasion that are bound to irritate people.

i'm quite liberated, and i will try anything once.  of course, age has tempered me.  there are certain things i did before which i don't see myself doing now.  but if and when i did, i still would follow the rules in my head, as far as sleeping around is concerned, namely:

1.  no shitting in the backyard;
2.  no fooling around with married people;
3.  no sex without commitment with the same person three times.*

kept me alive.  kept me sane.  of course, sometimes it doesn't work as effectively as i wanted it, but i survived.  no matter how much you protect yourself, you don't always come out unscathed and i have got the scars to prove it.

and while we are on the subject, here are my rules for betraying your friends, in favor of sex, money, fame, promotion, etc.:

1. when you're doing the right thing.  you can only "betray" your friends if despite sound advice, they choose to do something wrong i. e. a conflict of interest, commiting a crime or doing something evil,  and the reward of sex, money, or fame is just incidental.  if your friend is wrong and you've already warned your friend against doing a bad thing, but still they chose to do it, you do the right thing.  i know i would.  why would you want to make friends with bad people anyway? you are better off with people who have good heads above their shoulders.

2.  only if you're sure you'll get it.  if you're not sure, why would you risk your friendship (or even family) for something as shallow and superficial as that.  of course, when you get it, do expect that you woud lose a friend or two, right?  you can't throw your friends under the bus for superficial things and expect to still be friends with them after when you're not successful. that's the price you pay when you trade your friends on the way up. you get a new set of friends since you have the money or the fame to buy new ones.  just don't expect them to be true to you.  after all, you're not.

oh and say you're not successful.  you didn't get laid, you didn't get the money, you didn't get promoted, so you want your friends to comfort you, be humble enough to admit that you were wrong.  you can't stab your friends in the back and expect things to go back the way they were. it doesn't work that way.  even when they forgive you, they know now what your priorities are.  they know the first chance you get, you will sell them out for sex, money, fame.

friends and family, they will diss you, criticize you, but they always mean well.  delivery may be imperfect and hurtful, but only those really close to us, true to us, will tell you the truth that most people won't give us.  they have a license to diss us, but if anybody else says something bad against your friend, you protect your friend.  when in doubt regarding protection, refer to rule #1.

oh, and let's make it clear, we mean "sex", not love. friends fight over love, but the real friends, they get over it, if you choose love over friendship.  sometimes they get over it when you choose to get laid over friendship. how many times have i been ditched because of booty and vice versa? normally, when it's love for you but it's just ass for your friend, then the conflict starts.  it all depends on how strong your friendship is and how bad you want or need to get laid. sometimes your friends will even pimp you to get yourself some.  it's a judgment call. and lastly,

3.  you don't.  YOU JUST DON'T.  PERIOD.

*in addition to those rules, one that i learned from Bones, on dating younger guys:  date only those men whose age is half my age plus eight years

Saturday, June 27, 2015

starstruck serial killer in your movie premiere

i had the privilege of being invited to the gala premiere of this promising young actor's movie. when he saw me, he welcomed me like we've been friends for quite some time. he even took this selfie. you could say i was starstruck.  i have so much respect for him because despite his pedigree, his talent, he is also a simple person like myself.  with better looking legs.

he had me at, "Kenbong Nawahu uu*."

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two nights ago, i introduced myself to this guy and asked if i could take this picture. i also assured him i wasn't a serial killer.

tonight i saw another indie film and he, along with his companions, sat right next to me. he was pretty down-to-earth and sweet. he even asked me if i smoked so i can join them. instead of asking for another photo opportunity,  i am posting this.  while it was brief, it was a very interesting conversation and asking for another selfie would ruin it.

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it's just too bad these indie films come and go without us knowing about them, so gorgeous and talented guys like these young men fall under the radar. hopefully now, i won't miss them and i can support them when i can.  i still have loads of leave credits.

*"I love you" in T'boli

Friday, June 26, 2015

angry girl journal 06.26.2015

only you can make feel like a high school girl again.  all giddy from seeing you, talking to you.  then your endless mindfucking gets to me.  you hit me with something and i just keep deflecting.  it is always difficult with you.  simple conversations become banter then arguments in one swift blow.  and i don't have time for this . . . mindfucking.  you either want me or you don't.  it can't be both.  do you do these things to get my attention? don't you have everybody else's already?  i don't even exist to you.

you HAVE my full attention.  you just have to let me know what you really want.  otherwise, fuck off.  i don't have time to play coyote and road runner.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

english brat 06.23.2015

you'd be surprised to know that we didn't speak any english at home growing up.

wait, what i am talking about? who's "we"?  i'm an only child!

i don't really like being told, "we took care of you growing up so you should help us now".  that's exactly why i DON'T want to help: you didn't teach me anything. you gave me a couple of bruises.  not intentionally, i know.  but just because we're related by blood, even if you didn't really help create the human being (or the monster) i've become, i'm supposed to give you money?  now, just because my mother was a wonderful human being who liked to help people who are so dependent they can't clean their own asses, it doesn't mean that i should too.  it doesn't work that way.

i can't even fix my own life and you have been so bad at this longer before i have been alive so you'd think you would know better than to ask me for help, right?

i don't like people who think i have an obligation to help them out because they think my life is considerably better off than theirs or just because i have gainful employment and they don't.  it's just like saying it's my fault i studied all those years and stayed away from a social life because it was fun.  it's my fault i worked hard to enjoy the little comforts i have now.  IT'S NOT.

i was raised not to rely on anyone, not to compete with anyone but myself, to work hard to get the things i want, not to rely on the charity of others.  damnit, i had to work for my father's acceptance and affection.

so if i speak really well in english, it's not because as my caretakers growing up, you spoke to me in english.  well, you did try to speak to me in english, but only because you wanted to train me to join beauty pageants.  i speak english well because of watching countless tv shows before they started dubbing them in Filipino. yeah, i am that brat, no thanks to you. so don't go asking for my hard-earned money, using guilt with me in order for me to help you out because it's about time you all grew a spine and started working instead of just waiting for people to give you charity.

seriously, can you please tell me why again i am the first person people go to when they need money? don't i have bills to pay too? oh, and are we even close?  people who cannot help you should not be giving you problems either.

Monday, June 15, 2015

because red is for passion

subtitles are a girl's best friend.

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i just finished watching K'na The Dreamweaver, one of the movies from last year's Cinemalaya.  i missed it last year, since there were limited venues, plus i work at night and sleep in the daytime.  which is why i made it a point to see the scheduled screening of this wonderful yet poignant movie. it's what happens if Juliet had to choose between Romeo and saving their village.

many years ago (or once upon a time - take your pick), the north and south lived in peace.  they hold special among them the dreamweavers:  women who can weave patterns from their dreams.  they are the chosen ones, and more often than not, become betrothed to the chieftain of the land.  Hanyas, the dreamweaver of the land however, did not wish to be the chieftain's fifth wife.  she was already in love with someone else.  on the eve of her wedding, she and her lover eloped so the chieftain banished Hanyas' family and they had to move to the south.  they have been in war since.

forward several years later, K'na (portrayed magnificently by Mara Lopez), daughter of the chieftain, is being groomed by her grandmother Bey Lamfey to be the next dreamweaver.  her childhood best friend, Silaw (played wonderfully by RK Bagatsing.  the perfect gentleman, i cannot imagine anyone who wouldn't want to bring him home), is the supplier of the precious fiber that Grandma weaves. every night, Silaw ties fibers by K'na's window as a sign of his love.  you don't see that anymore these days and you have to admire his persistence even after she had left.   she reciprocates by braiding them to her hair.  her subtle way of showing him her affection.

K'na had to make a choice and she chose to be with Kagis (not because Alex Vincent Medina, the guy who plays Kagis, is hot - in another world, the sequel to his movie would be Palitan), not only to stop the war between the north and the south, but because in the midst of the chaos, as Silaw tried to find her, Kagis saved Silaw's life. she is choosing a life of unhappiness with Kagis as payment for Silaw's life.  Silaw kept waiting for her to come back, but she had already started a family with Kagis, as a dutiful wife and dreamweaver would, until nothing more was ever heard of him.  but he left souvenirs for K'na so that every time she would look to the south, she would know of Silaw's love and that he would be there when she came back.

"I will always know where to find you."

- Silaw, K'na, The Dreamweaver

the end.

i was so smitten by this film.  nobody does courtship like that anymore.  it made me feel giddy watching it.  then it made me sad.  because nobody loves like that anymore either.

they had me at, "Kenbong Nawahu uu."

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Dido said it best

the song White Flag by Dido came out weeks after my breakup with M.  it wasn't exactly the best of times.  we were graduating from law school and preparing to perform our last show with the official law school band whom we fondly called our children.  it was awkward for everyone.

i suddenly remembered the song following the last few of episodes of season 10 of Bones.  i was really fascinated by David Boreanaz, from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, to Angel and now, Bones.  he played Dido's ex-boyfriend in the video.

White Flag

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you, 
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it 
where's the sense in that? 

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder 
Or return to where we were 

I will go down with this ship 
And I won't put my hands up and surrender 
There will be no white flag above my door 
I'm in love and always will be 

I know I left too much mess and 
destruction to come back again 
And I caused nothing but trouble 
I understand if you can't talk to me again 
And if you live by the rules of "it's over" 
then I'm sure that that makes sense 

I will go down with this ship 
And I won't put my hands up and surrender 
There will be no white flag above my door 
I'm in love and always will be 

And when we meet 
Which I'm sure we will 
All that was there
Will be there still 
I'll let it pass 
And hold my tongue 
And you will think 
That I've moved on.... 

I will go down with this ship 
And I won't put my hands up and surrender 
There will be no white flag above my door 
I'm in love and always will be 

I will go down with this ship 
And I won't put my hands up and surrender 
There will be no white flag above my door 
I'm in love and always will be 

I will go down with this ship 
And I won't put my hands up and surrender 
There will be no white flag above my door 
I'm in love and always will be

in the video, Dido and David are both celebrities who just recently broke up and are just still trying to adjust to it.  their paths often cross because of the industry they are both in and there is often an awkward silence between them when among friends.  throughout the song it would appear that of the two of them, it was Dido that still loved David, as he is already seen dating someone else.  how peculiar is it that even though apart, they live right next to each other.  by the end of the video we know that it is not just Dido.  David obviously still loves her but both are afraid to say anything.

i am obviously over M and this is definitely not why i remember the song.  it makes me tear up because despite all the things i have been through and my walls constantly being up, i still very much believe that i will find love. sure, i often say i don't anymore and i have lost all hope that i will ever do.  but there's that small spark within me, the Dido, if you will call it, that believes, that hopes, that i will eventually find love.  

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

the reason i stopped seeing Bones

i think i have stated here several times how much i love the show Bones.

i stopped seeing the show for a while, because my neighbor cut their cable connection.  and it reminded me of that person.  for a long time, i have associated my "partnership" (parasitism is a more apt description of the relationship) with him to the show although to state that there were parallels between us and the partnership between Bones and Booth was reaching.

i thought he and i had something.  i knew he wasn't in love with me, but i honestly thought he cared and that our friendship mattered.  sadly, it didn't and he only cared about himself and whatever it was he could take away from being associated with me.  i had his back.  but no one had mine, so of course, seeing Bones gave me a heartbreak.

i love the show.  i love the way the characters have been so wonderfully written and i truly admire the hard work that the people on the show have put into bringing it to us.   it doesn't stop me from hoping, though.  i will meet him one day.  or her.  i believe that i will eventually find my Booth.

and i will eventually catch up to the next season of Bones.  

Friday, June 05, 2015

of serial killers and blood donations

i suddenly remember Dexter. i used to watch it every week until my neighbor switched cable providers. probably because i donated blood today. i really loved that show.

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Dexter focuses on the life of a blood spatter pattern analyst working for the fictional Miami Metro Police Department.  he leads the secret life of serial killer, hunting down murderers who have slipped through the cracks of the justice system.  his adoptive father, Harry Morgan, knew early on that he had homicidal tendencies and taught him to follow a code, a constructive way to channel his gruesome passion for human dissection. i thought it was a brilliant series.  he was a monster, there was no doubt about it; but because he only killed people who under Harry's code "deserved to die", you wanted so much to root for him.  despite all the blood in his hands, you thought he was a hero. i know i did.

yes, i thought of the show because of the blood-letting activity at work.

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the last time i donated blood was three years ago, having been rejected in 2013 because of the tattoo i just got and last year because i just had my period.  so you can understand how excited i was to donate this year.  i haven't had any tattoos, i finished my period much earlier than the activity.  there was no way in hell they could stop me from donating blood.  i really feel strongly about it, not having done much for my community in a while, so this one i really looked forward to.

i don't do much, and when i do, i don't really have the habit of letting other people know, but this one i feel strongly about promoting.  we all take part in helping save another person's life, no matter how small the contribution, we have a responsibility to ourselves, to this earth to do our part.

so do yours.