Saturday, May 09, 2015

angry girl journal 05.09.2015

almost eighteen years ago, i lost something, someone who could've been the greatest, most wonderful thing to happen in my life.

i lost my child.  

now that i think about it, given my track record of shutting out people and ruining amazing things before they even come to fruition, i probably wouldn't be such a hot parent.  my father would've been alive then and he would've raised my child and me (i was just graduating from college then.  law school was punishment. or not.) and there would be two angry, resentful, suicidal children in the house who could explode at any time and murder the old man.

people tell me that things happen for a reason.  that maybe i was meant to lose him because there were things i had to experience and be and do and if i had him we would've had a different life.  i would have a different life and i wouldn't be who i am today.

i don't know.  maybe i wouldn't be as angry as i was (still am) if i kept him.  maybe i'd be a cool mom, bringing him to gigs, musicals and indie film screenings.  maybe he'd have his own gigs.  or soccer practice.  or fencing.  maybe he'd have recitals. maybe we'd be happy, my child and i.  i wouldn't think i was such a failure because with him i would be something right, or be trying to do something right.  you never know.

i guess we'll never know.