Saturday, May 30, 2015

Criminal Minds: loving and knowing before seeing

today i had the opportunity to watch Zugzwang again.  it is the episode where Dr. Spencer Reid's girlfriend gets kidnapped and subsequently killed by her stalker.

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after experiencing headaches, Dr. Spencer Reid got in touch with a geneticist, Maeve, who became his phone pal.  they would talk on the phone every Sunday about science, life, books and everything under the sun.  they have never met in person because she has a stalker on the loose who wants to kill her the minute she resurfaces.

in one of their phone conversations, Maeve inadvertently says "I love you" as they say goodbye but Spencer does not say it back. he had wanted to say these words when they finally met.  however, when they plan to meet in person, they don't.  Spencer arrives first but warns Maeve not to go in as her stalker might be in the restaurant.  she leaves but not after dropping off the book she got for him (which he also got for her) with her message:

"Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone - we find it with another."
- Thomas Merton

bothered by dreams after that almost first meeting, Spencer calls her again, their Sunday afternoon ritual, only to receive a collect call from Adam Worth.  he sees the connection, figures out that the stalker has finally caught up with Maeve and he immediately contacts Hodge.  the rest of the team all agree to work on their personal time as they still do not know if they have an actual case to help Reid find Maeve.

going through the investigation they find that Maeve is indeed missing and that she used to have a fiance, the man who was watching Spencer in the restaurant.  but he is not the stalker.  the stalker is one of the junior interns whose thesis Maeve rejected. who became Maeve's ex-fiancee's new girlfriend, Diane.  truly, this is the ultimate if-i-can't-have-my-life-i-will-do-everything-in-my-power-to-ruin-your-life-until-it-becomes-mine revenge.

Spencer offers Diane a deal, which she takes, only she cannot have him the way she wants.  he is able to convince Diane that he chooses her over Maeve and that Maeve should be allowed to live in order to accept her irrelevancy. he even tells Maeve he doesn't love her and she "understands".  when Diane kisses Reid she knows he's not telling her the truth.  and we hear from Thomas Merton again, as this is the only thing she cannot take from Spencer and Maeve. so she takes her own life.  and Maeve's.

i admire people who have faith, who can love without reservation and defy the odds even death.  it's just too sad that all love stories are tragic, the ones that never came to be.  as such is the story of Spencer and Maeve.  

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Edna: i would have killed them all

if Ronnie Lazaro wanted viewers getting out of the theater thinking after seeing Edna, he had succeeded.  i was so bothered and depressed, i wanted to watch Pitch Perfect 2 again.

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Edna marks the directorial film debut of Ronnie Lazaro.  the movie sums up all of the sob stories in an hour and a half and shows us the effects being away from one's family to work abroad from the perspective of the OFW.  what if they come back and the family isn't how they left them? what if the family is so changed and so used to their OFW family member's absence that she is reduced to being a cash cow?  what if she changed herself?  what if she has become so scarred, a totally different person than the one they knew?

Edna embodies all of that.  it's like she went home just in time for Christmas to Sodom and Gomorrah.  not only did they not live up to what they promised they would do if she sent them the money, but they were changed completely.  they were a bunch of monsters. her sister-in-law was sleeping with the town priest and was beating up Edna's youngest son because the child knew about the affair.  her eldest son didn't become a doctor.  he and his wife used the money for the youngest son's hospital bills to fund their mahjong ring at home.  her middle child was using her law school money to finance her married boyfriend.  could it get any worse?  yes, it got way worse when her husband was sleeping with her godson. i don't have anything against gay men falling in love despite the age gap, but when you cheat on your hardworking wife and you threaten separation just so you can drain her of all her finances, you've crossed a line.  i was never a fan of people benefiting from the hard work of others.

when you think about it, each and every one of the actors did a great portrayal of their characters because by the end of the movie, i would've wanted to kill them all, even before Edna decided rat poison was the cure for her ailing heart. Ronnie Lazaro knew what his actors were capable of doing and he was able to extract it out of each and every one of them.   Kiko Matos was hot but really irritating, Nicco Manalo, normally a really sweet boy (at least, that's how i see him) was very selfish and i really wanted to shove all those pairs of sneakers in his mouth.  Sue Prado (yes, if Barber's Tales had a sequel, this would be it LOL) was also very good, and pretty much underrated.  there's more to her than the ditsy roles i see her play.  Irma Adlawan, of course, is an amazing actress.  you could really feel her struggle, her pain, her anguish.  she couldn't see past the family she left until that last straw and even then, she still wanted to fight, if only for her youngest son.

an alternate ending for me would be to have her kill them all and then escape with her youngest son abroad and then the next movie would be Transit.  

Sunday, May 17, 2015

angry girl journal 05.17.2015

"We have finally achieved immortality.  Even when our bodies die, our personal data lives on in cyberspace whether you like it or not."
- Harold Finch, Person of Interest

i just realized i haven't deleted all of the pictures that we have together.  while some of them probably make for good memories, they are mostly a reminder of how stupid i was and how bad you were as a person for taking advantage of my feelings for you. people make mistakes and while you are not the only wrong person i fell for, there is no doubt that majority of my mistakes had to do with waiting on you.  unless it was taken with other people (who do not have anything with what happened or didn't between you and me) or i had really great hair, that photograph has got to go.  sure, the cloud might have a backup somewhere, but i want to make sure that i don't.

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Thursday, May 14, 2015

angry girl journal 05.14.15

there's something about married ex-fubus. they don't like you, obviously, that's why they went ahead and married someone else. but why does it still matter how you feel about them? did they expect you to wait on them forever? really, Jade? just because i'm still single, it doesn't mean i'm holding out for you, or Link, or Alex, you know.

have you been drinking again?

there is nothing to talk about.  i am sooo over you.  if i compliment you, Jade, it's because we really cannot deny the fact that you are talented and much of the eighties music i listen to comes from the education you gave me.  but that doesn't mean that i am waiting on you or that i am still hoping that you would leave your wife for me.  God, no.  i don't even want to talk about what happened between us. it did not transpire.

i repeat, it did not transpire. did not happen. forever gone from memory. erased.  forgotten.

think happy thoughts.

what are you even afraid of? i don't know what you're worried about:  the possibility that i might open my mouth and tell your wife that something happened between us not so long ago or the possibility that you will give in, that you won't be able to stop yourself when the opportunity presents itself.  kinda when Link really had to be with me and do it even when i already made all sorts of excuses for us not to;  or when Alex still keeps messaging me about leaving his wife when i keep telling him he won't.  and what about that younger married guy? sure, we never consummated anything, but he still wants me because i'm one of the big what-ifs of his life.  and mind you, all this is happening without any effort on my part whatsoever.

there are times when i wish that i will find someone so hot, so smart, so loving, so attractive, so talented, more talented than you, just to slap it in your face that i found someone way better, because you, all of you,  keep thinking the reason i'm still single is because i'm holding out for you.  excuse me?

my parents didn't toil all those years and beat me up when i was a deviant just so i can become someone's paramour.  sure, there were instances when the flesh took over and the mind blanked out but those were very few.  and hello? i am very discreet.  you couldn't tell that i was sleeping with Link had i not told you about it, because at the time i still considered you a friend.  people won't be able to know just by body language alone that you slept with me.  unless you come off as this awkward, uncomfortable defensive dude who doesn't know how to act around me.  am i right? oh, and even if i blog about the people i have been with, how many people's names start with M, E and A do you know? how many people use Link, Jade or Alex as an alias? okay, maybe Alex isn't an alias, but chances are, if you google that name, this blog is the last thing that's going to come up in your search.

so again, I BEG YOU, get over yourself.  

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

angry girl journal 05.13.2015

it's hard to correct behavior when you've been so used to being told your whole life that you are wrong. or not good enough. it's a work in progress.

I'm a work in progress.

Sunday, May 10, 2015

indie film marathon: Kabisera and Ang Nawawala

i read somewhere that the Filipino film industry is made up of the indie films and the mainstream chick flicks. nobody makes guy films anymore because the market is filled with gay men and bitter single women. oh, and because the former action stars ran for public office. there are hardly any films that talk about men who battle their demons and triumph over adversity. that's why they tried so hard to get On The Job and The Janitor out to the mainstream audience.  they needed men to act like men and not be sensitive to their feelings all the time.  this came close. sometimes you need to see a man standing up for what he believes is right, even if he has to kill a few people. or more.

 as Angel once said, you do what you can to protect your family.

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two or three years ago, i went ahead and saw the movie, Ang Nawawala by myself.  i'm trying to recall if i ever had doubts who between Jamie and Gibson really died when i saw the film two years ago. i still can't get over Marc Abaya's hair. or that so many kids feel like they're entitled even though not really doing shit.  but the Roco twins are hot, that's for sure. and the music is awesome.

Saturday, May 09, 2015

what i found when i did: the walls that misunderstanding built

The Tower of Misunderstanding
by Dino Ignacio

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess.  She lived in a beautiful castle in a kingdom faraway.  But she was locked up in a tower:  the TOWER OF MISUNDERSTANDING.  with every time she was MISUNDERSTOOD by her loved ones, her friends, her peers, a magical brick grew and these bricks of MISUNDERSTANDING formed the tower. 

Words of this reached a young prince from another kingdom who so filled with love, journeyed far and wide to rescue the princess.  Upon reaching the tower, he shouts:

"My princess I shall free you"

He pulls out his sword, the sword of understanding and bashes away at the bricks one by one, the bricks crumble and fall.

"my princess, I love you, let me take you away from all this."

"I am sorry my sweet prince but I cannot join you"

"I don't understand. Why? I don't understand!", cries the prince and two bricks grow

"I cannot join you for i have other things to see and other places to go"

The prince cries, "I don't understand. I don't understand.  I don't understand. I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!!" until the princess was trapped in a tower much taller and more massive than the last one.  He again pulls out his sword and tries to bash at the bricks, but they do not fall  for it was his misunderstanding that caused them. 

From atop the tower,the princess cries:

"free me if you truly love."

upon realizing his mistake, he pulls out a small dagger: The DAGGER OF ACCEPTANCE, and with one slash,the bricks disappear, and the princess walks off into the distance.


the walls that misunderstanding built

some time in 1997, a comic book entitled Tower of Misunderstanding came out by a man named Dino Ignacio. if the name sounds familiar that's because he was the one who came up with the site Bert is Evil. yes, Bert, Ernie's roommate from the Sesame Street. anyway, the comic book went on limited release and i have scoured everywhere but never have i been able to find one or be lucky enough to ask somebody in the bookstore who knew what the hell i was talking about. neither do i know anyone who owns it so that i can borrow and finally read it.

the only thing i found was this thing in google sites and the video Dino published in 2010, but i never know if this was it or if there was more to it than what is there on the page.  when i found it when i did, i didn't know how to feel about it.

the Tower of Misunderstanding, like Confessions of a Spaceboy (that Palanca award-winning essay by Erwin Romulo about his proposal to his then-wife and best friend Yvonne which i would've had access to had we printed enough extra copies. damn dot matrix printer) is like the one true love of your life: undeclared, unrequited, unrealized.  it is the one that got away. the big what-if. it will always be special, as it will never let you down, never leave you or let you go. it is all you hoped love would be.  it will always be the most beautiful story ever written, the best story that i have never ever read.

angry girl journal 05.09.2015

almost eighteen years ago, i lost something, someone who could've been the greatest, most wonderful thing to happen in my life.

i lost my child.  

now that i think about it, given my track record of shutting out people and ruining amazing things before they even come to fruition, i probably wouldn't be such a hot parent.  my father would've been alive then and he would've raised my child and me (i was just graduating from college then.  law school was punishment. or not.) and there would be two angry, resentful, suicidal children in the house who could explode at any time and murder the old man.

people tell me that things happen for a reason.  that maybe i was meant to lose him because there were things i had to experience and be and do and if i had him we would've had a different life.  i would have a different life and i wouldn't be who i am today.

i don't know.  maybe i wouldn't be as angry as i was (still am) if i kept him.  maybe i'd be a cool mom, bringing him to gigs, musicals and indie film screenings.  maybe he'd have his own gigs.  or soccer practice.  or fencing.  maybe he'd have recitals. maybe we'd be happy, my child and i.  i wouldn't think i was such a failure because with him i would be something right, or be trying to do something right.  you never know.

i guess we'll never know.  

Friday, May 08, 2015


a lot of people of say i look like her. and/or Gina Alajar. or that guy from F4. when she got married and semi-retired, it was mostly just Gina.

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does that mean if i hung out the basketball courts more often, i could've been married to a Gilas too?

imaginary conversations with you, part 2

I realized I should write these things down.  Maybe if i put them out to the Universe, she will hear.

on one of those brief encounters you and i have:

A: sorry, i have to ask, are you, uh, gay?

B: i am the B in LGBT

A: (puzzled look)

B: do you see my breasts?  sure, you do, you've been staring at them since you asked me that question

A: (embarrassed look)

B: notice how i don't try to bind them? i know they're the same level as my tummy, but i don't use breast binders

A: okay . . .

B: which means i like them there and i'm not embarrassed to have them. and maybe in the future, assuming you want to,  i can let you touch them

A: hmmm. . .

B: you seem lost, you haven't heard of breast binders?

A: no, i'm still at the part where i can touch your breasts in the future.

you and me, sweethearts?

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this was a game i learned in back in grade school.  whether it was a member of the Menudo,  a boy from That's Entertainment, Randy Santiago or a girl from 6th grade (or someone from III-Kagitingan or IV-Kaisahan - yes, not only were they virtues expected from all the girls from my school, those were also our high school section names and that's where the hottest butches were from. lol), we've tried testing and trusting the flames to see if our crushes were a match. we didn't have internet compatibility quizzes then.  hell, we didn't have the internet then.

yeah, so that'll be the day, right? what have i got to lose?  i'm putting it out there for the Universe to see.  maybe you and i were meant to be.  law of attraction, as they say.  if you keep on saying it over and over, the Universe might just get irritated enough to hand it over to you.  i mean, i think i bugged enough people to have a picture taken with the Urbandub members that they gave in.  i know, i know, be careful what you wish for, you just might get it and when you do, it's not always what you want.   but that's the thing, i don't wish.  i hope. so maybe, given the number of mutual friends we have in this earth, there's the slightest chance this can actually happen.  you and me.  sweethearts.

come on, Universe.  i will do my very best not to fuck it up.

you and i actually have more in common than you think.  if only i could make you see that.  even if our flames don't say so.

Wednesday, May 06, 2015

YHWH: not your typical father-daughter relationship

of course, i am one of them poster children of father-daughter relationships.

the final episode of Person of Interest sees the Machine in its last few days as Samaritan seeks to suck the life out of it.  it leaves our team no choice but to fend for themselves.

John, along with Elias and Fusco, are taken hostage by Dominic and the Brotherhood.  Dominic wants to get Harold's "system" so he can finally take over New York.  Control, along with Agent Grice, team up to figure out what Samaritan and Greer intend to do with the "Correction"  and end up being "corrected".  Root, on God Mode, and  Finch try to save the Machine by collecting things it requested for them to find.  Reese, also on God Mode, is assisted by the Machine so that he can escape Dominic and his crew. a very powerful kick-ass scene, i must say.

we find out years later that after the Machine had gone rogue that it spread itself over the power grid in boxes attached to the electrical poles. Samaritan caused several power surges to beat the Machine and weaken it.  in order to save itself, it had asked Finch and Root to make use of Caleb Phipps' compression algorithm.  Fusco with help from Harper (please don't let her come back, i hate that character!) escapes and comes back with the rest of the NYPD, arrests Dominic and Elias.  Greer leads Control and Grice into thinking they will set up a bomb in the Supreme Court only to be deceived and eliminated by Greer.  Dominic and Elias (NO!!!) are also killed, although i would've preferred for one of them to survive.  guess who?  

it's been four years since the partnership and friendship between Finch and Reese started and they, along with the Machine, have helped a great number of people on the way.  Team Machine has grown since then, with Carter, Fusco, Zoe, Leon, Shaw and Root (yes, of course, Bear) along for the ride.  to have Caleb have that amount of respect and trust for Finch to give away his algorithm without asking why or what for is a testament to that.  maybe not everyone will agree with the means by which they go around and help people (that is still illegal surveillance conducted by an artificial intelligence in violation of the constitutional rights of the humanity it seeks to protect) but the fact that they do, is something i, as a citizen, am grateful and hopeful for.  some random stranger saves me from out of the blue.  if they asked me to fight against the great evil artificial intelligence that wants to wipe out humanity based on its murky standards, i'm in! in the fight between good and evil, you don't want to be on the wrong side and i am Team Machine all the way.

Finch and the Machine has always had that odd father-daughter relationship, the way Root and the Machine have that weird relationship, more like psycho-sister and AI-sister, but a protective one, nevertheless.  Finch has always tried to do what is good and that is the code that is instilled in the Machine's DNA.  that the Machine comes to Finch as a daughter lost and apologetic for what it's become and its fear that Finch as its father-creator would rather that it died despite all its efforts to save him and everyone else because it has gone outside of what is supposedly morally good is so heartbreaking.

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the Machine asks for Finch's forgiveness, as Pink Floyd's Welcome to the Machine plays in the background.  Finch replies, like any forgiving father,

 "You are my creation; I can't let you die." 
 the future seems bleak for Team Machine but i am hopeful that in the end, good will still prevail.

Tuesday, May 05, 2015

would you really date a spinster?

i was reading this article/interview with you published two years ago on your birthday and you stated there that your favorite fantasy was having a cougar lover.  that made me laugh so hard i almost shot water out of my nose.  that was so funny on so many levels but i will narrow it down to three things:

1) i AM older than you.  i was approaching third grade when you were born;

2) you did star in a movie as an internet scammer luring and seducing an old maid into giving you all her money (ah, but you fell in love with her in the end! much like all the guys in my life who turned me down, they seem to want me when i'm no longer interested);

3)  i've always pictured our first meeting to be one where in order to hide my initial intimidation of people taller than me (but Bels, everyone IS taller than you), i would introduce myself as, "ako nga pala si Bels, malungkot na matandang dalagang naghahanap ng paglilibangan!"*

so, when are we going out so i can make a futile attempt to fulfill your fantasy and i can finally live out mine? i do have a nice ass and it manages to stick out even when i don't want it to so there's no need to flaunt it.  i promise not to be freaked out if you stare.  i think.

*by the way, my name is Bels and i'm a sad old maid looking for a good time.