Monday, April 27, 2015

imaginary conversations with you

for about a month now, i have been fixated on you that i find myself having these fantasies of talking to you. assuming that you and i will ever have the chance to meet.  assuming that you will actually like me when we do.  assuming there would be a you and me to speak of.

A: you know my Dad likes you.

B: really? your Dad IS wonderful. i'm glad he does.  wow.  that's really something.

A: he's got me thinking about a lot of things.

B: yeah? like what? 

A: you never told me you loved me, you don't love me.

B:  your Dad thinks i don't care about you?

A:  no, he didn't say that.  but you didn't say that you love me either.

B: are you kidding? of course, i do.

A: but you don't say it

B (sighs):  seriously? you honestly think that when you, of all people  know what my fears are

A: but we've been together for a while now, how do i know you're not just waiting for the next best thing to come along?

B: how do i know you're not? you have about 50,000 followers, all of whom would move heaven and earth just to be with you.  they're all hotter, sexier, prettier, smarter, younger.  i repeat younger.

A: Bels, come on.  don't spin it and make it about me just because you can't commit.

B: i can't commit? what about the other hotter richer older women? this is just some twisted fantasy for you, right?

A: just say it, Bels. You don't me.  I can feel that you're ashamed of me -

B: ashamed of you? I'm protecting you and looking out for your best interests.  I can afford to be invisible.

A: look, if you don't want to, because you feel like you shouldn't, because you're afraid, or because you really don't, better i know now.

B: i do

A: you do what?

B: love you.  

A: lagyan mo naman ng konting conviction! Parang napipilitan ka lang eh.

B: conviction? Gusto mo pagsigawan ko pa eh,  i love you (your full name without middle name)! I love you!

A: (looking pissed)wag ka namang maingay para namang gago to o.

B: ikaw eh, ang arte mo.  Ikaw tong pwedeng-pwede ako ipagpalit sa mas maganda at mas bata eh. O sa mas maganda't seksing matanda . . .

A: that's not gonna happen.  ikaw na rin ang nagsabi, you can run but you can't hide.  I'm not going anywhere

B: i'm not going anywhere, huh? panindigan mo yan!

And then we go to sleep.

***

your father knocks on the door to call me downstairs for breakfast. he has no idea you slept in with me

A:  (jumping out of bed and rushing to wear pants)syet, si Papa.  Papagalitan ako nun. Teka, pa'no ko lalabas?

B: i'm sorry, san ka pupunta?

A: lalabas ako,uh,  magtatago, papagalitan ako ni Papa.

B: pagkatapos mo ko pasabihin ng "i love you",  me i'm not going anywhere ka pang nalalaman tapos tatay mo lang, iiwan mo ko?!

A: hindi naman sa ganun, pero syempre papagalitan ako nun, bisita kita tapos. . .

B: pupunta ka dito tapos . . .Tapos . . . (yelling) Palabas na po kami.

Your Dad: ah, sige, baba na KAYO ha? Kain na tayo ng breakfast.

B: see, that wasn't so hard, was it? 

see?  even in my fantasies with you, i have my walls up because, even if you will, like that it will ever happen in lightyears to come, ever fall for me, that will just scare the shit out of me even more.  but this happening would be so cute if it did.

a girl can dream, right? calling out to the universe . . .