Saturday, April 04, 2015

furious woman journal 04.04.2015

disclaimer:  really pissed off rant

of course i really like it when people pretend to ask how i am doing, but really, what they want to do is ask me for a birthday gift, right after i took them out to a play, and a couple of indie movies, which, by the way, are not cheap.

i think this is the part where i really draw the line with you.  i've told you about it for so long and maybe i have ignored it long enough to tolerate it but you are too much.  it's weird how you never seem to care or bother to think that maybe, just maybe, the reason i'm so mean to you is because you're just a little bit thick.

you are too much.  you have become impossibly heavy for me to bear.

we've already established how self-centered you are, how you think the world revolves around you and how you feel that only your problems matter. because there is a conspiracy to try and test your faith, and while we will all burn in hell for our indiscretions, you will be saved because you are a Christian favored by God.  because God loves confused straight people with so much negativity that they bring other people to sin.

"Whining is a form of manipulation.  People will give anything just to make you shut up."

- Jessica Zafra, Chicken Pox for the Soul

yes, that's what it is.  your incessant whining.  so even if i already gave you two gifts, the materialistic person that you are, you still want one more. it's amazing how you can demand very expensive branded gifts from me when you're such a cheapskate in terms of what you give back, not that it's about money.  we all work hard, but that you keep asking for so much when you give so little, like you were the only one with problems, the only one working hard.  that's what pisses me off, (i'm not a bank.  if anything, you still owe me money), because you were so busy obsessing about this cute guy you are cyberstalking at Twitter (because according to you, "he speaks to me" you think!), you just HAD to ask for another gift for your birthday.  and collect for Christmas, too.  is that what they teach you in church? do you ask expensive gifts from your office friends and then give them crappy ones in return? whatever happened to, "it's the thought that counts"?

because it's your birthday and EVERYBODY just has to make a big deal out of it.  remember what you said about my birthday? you know, the one you just had to make about you.  because everything is about you.  my birthday and you promised me a cake, a cake your sister ate which you didn't bother to replace because you had to get a haircut and look good.  for MY birthday dinner party.  like i needed the added stress your "friendship" was already giving me.  YOU HAD ONE JOB. and then you gave me a gift which you thought i'd like. tell me something:  did you want it for yourself? because i can give it back.  i haven't been reading anyway.  i've been too busy listening to all of your problems.  oh, and remember what i said about having just one party because people had a tendency to make it about themselves? i was referring to you, bitch!

and while we're on the subject of reading, watching indie films and musicals, you know how i hate being called, "artsy-fartsy".  if you were any bit as smart as you pretend to be, you'd know how derogatory it is and how offended i am when you call me that.  but NO, you just HAVE to keep calling me that everytime we go see a play or indie film. which I PAID FOR.  and while we're on the subject of calling people names, i really really hate it when you say this person is gay or is a product of a second family. how very Christian-like of you, especially since you're pretty sure of other people's sexuality other than your own, Mr. I'm-a-Straight-Christian-Man-who-is-just-Confused who's never had a crush on a woman for the length of time i've known you.  it's amazing how you've managed to lie to yourself for so long to believe that crap when people can smell you a mile away. i respect that you still cannot come out because you are afraid or because you think it is a sin (or it's Adam's fault for giving in to Eve or because you never grew up with a father) and you condemn yourself for these feelings but then you are so quick to judge other people for the decisions that you are afraid to make yourself.  i just don't get it.  so many people want so much be respected for who they are, what they have become, and you're so proud of pretending to be someone you're not. POSER.

you still haven't, have NEVER, and probably really have no plans to, apologize for her.  even when you finally did, it's because i made you, and you still maintained that you did nothing wrong.  people go out on a limb to defend me, people who don't know me as long as you have, and they do.  and please, just stop.  STOP.  she and i, we will never be friends.  sure, i compliment her (she is a good dresser - somebody must've given her feedback, finally) and flatter her a lot and she may think i am okay now, but she and i, WE WILL NEVER BE OKAY.  the same way, no matter how you try, you and i will never be that okay again.  when people treat others like help, it doesn't matter to me if they're going through hell or not, THEY ARE SHIT TO ME.  i don't know how people who don't have that much money can hold themselves above other people thinking themselves to be better when the really truly rich ones, they're the ones who prefer to lay low.  these are the people you like to hang out with, these are the people you like to suck up to.  these are the people you want to become, if you're not there yet.

oh, and why do you have to text me just because you can't post your shit on Facebook or Twitter or social media in general?  why do you have to post it in social media?  why does everyone have to know every waking detail of your pathetic life?  that's what friends are for, you tell them your problems, not social media.  IDIOT.  i stopped caring, i am getting tired of caring because you never bother to ask how i am, you just keep fucking talking.  even after i've said the words to try and comfort you, you're just one big dragging shitty B movie.  it's so draining to be around you. for someone who goes to church a lot, i don't believe anything they say in there really means anything to you.  you judge people more than i, and i'm supposed to be the sinner here.

seriously, what on God's great earth do you not understand about, "i don't want to be around you for a while, i don't want to hear from you or speak with you, unless it's work-related"  does nothing ever get through to your thick head other than the sound of your own voice?!  how selfish can you get??? you call and you start talking without asking if it was a good time to talk or not.  you pause for a reaction but if it's not what you want to hear, you keep whining and then you call me impolite when i can't even get a word in.  you wait for an opportunity to turn the conversation back to you.

this is how i see you:  between me, and our friendship, if there was some opportunity for you to get ahead, you will throw me under the bus.  that's how i feel around you.  that's how you treat me.  you already have, and i'm not surprised if it happens again.  just because i cannot contribute to your social climbing, your career, doesn't mean i'm any less of a friend.  it's all about power and fame for you.  when will grow up?

that was a lot to put out.  but only because you never change and you drain the shit out of me and you treat me like dirt when all i have been is kind to you.  now, i will use a different approach.  i won't care about you, won't listen to you, if i don't have to.  i'm not here to patronize you, you fucking faggot social climbing hypocrite.  that's not what my friendship is about.  if you don't like it, you are welcome to leave.  oh, wait, you don't leave.  you just like to drag down the people who really care about you.  so here's the part where i leave.

have a nice life.