Thursday, April 30, 2015

swooning over Dr. Reid

i once mentioned here my fascination for the show Criminal Minds and Matthew Gray Gubler's character, Dr. Reid, one of my primary reasons for doing so.  i haven't been able to catch up with the show since my neighbors gave up their cable and i had to give up my television so when i saw these, i knew i was missing out on a lot.

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"Of course I'd love to have coffee with you, Dr. Reid!"

I can't say it in Russian, though.

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"Where were you looking the whole time when I was just here?"

the show has been very influential to me.  not only is it very intriguing and the storylines force you to really think, but it encourages you to read up.  the show starts and ends with quotes from well-known authors (or unknown) which are very thought-provoking and inspiring.

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and because Dr. Reid is simply amazing!

*photos courtesy of

Monday, April 27, 2015

imaginary conversations with you

for about a month now, i have been fixated on you that i find myself having these fantasies of talking to you. assuming that you and i will ever have the chance to meet.  assuming that you will actually like me when we do.  assuming there would be a you and me to speak of.

A: you know my Dad likes you.

B: really? your Dad IS wonderful. i'm glad he does.  wow.  that's really something.

A: he's got me thinking about a lot of things.

B: yeah? like what? 

A: you never told me you loved me, you don't love me.

B:  your Dad thinks i don't care about you?

A:  no, he didn't say that.  but you didn't say that you love me either.

B: are you kidding? of course, i do.

A: but you don't say it

B (sighs):  seriously? you honestly think that when you, of all people  know what my fears are

A: but we've been together for a while now, how do i know you're not just waiting for the next best thing to come along?

B: how do i know you're not? you have about 50,000 followers, all of whom would move heaven and earth just to be with you.  they're all hotter, sexier, prettier, smarter, younger.  i repeat younger.

A: Bels, come on.  don't spin it and make it about me just because you can't commit.

B: i can't commit? what about the other hotter richer older women? this is just some twisted fantasy for you, right?

A: just say it, Bels. You don't me.  I can feel that you're ashamed of me -

B: ashamed of you? I'm protecting you and looking out for your best interests.  I can afford to be invisible.

A: look, if you don't want to, because you feel like you shouldn't, because you're afraid, or because you really don't, better i know now.

B: i do

A: you do what?

B: love you.  

A: lagyan mo naman ng konting conviction! Parang napipilitan ka lang eh.

B: conviction? Gusto mo pagsigawan ko pa eh,  i love you (your full name without middle name)! I love you!

A: (looking pissed)wag ka namang maingay para namang gago to o.

B: ikaw eh, ang arte mo.  Ikaw tong pwedeng-pwede ako ipagpalit sa mas maganda at mas bata eh. O sa mas maganda't seksing matanda . . .

A: that's not gonna happen.  ikaw na rin ang nagsabi, you can run but you can't hide.  I'm not going anywhere

B: i'm not going anywhere, huh? panindigan mo yan!

And then we go to sleep.


your father knocks on the door to call me downstairs for breakfast. he has no idea you slept in with me

A:  (jumping out of bed and rushing to wear pants)syet, si Papa.  Papagalitan ako nun. Teka, pa'no ko lalabas?

B: i'm sorry, san ka pupunta?

A: lalabas ako,uh,  magtatago, papagalitan ako ni Papa.

B: pagkatapos mo ko pasabihin ng "i love you",  me i'm not going anywhere ka pang nalalaman tapos tatay mo lang, iiwan mo ko?!

A: hindi naman sa ganun, pero syempre papagalitan ako nun, bisita kita tapos. . .

B: pupunta ka dito tapos . . .Tapos . . . (yelling) Palabas na po kami.

Your Dad: ah, sige, baba na KAYO ha? Kain na tayo ng breakfast.

B: see, that wasn't so hard, was it? 

see?  even in my fantasies with you, i have my walls up because, even if you will, like that it will ever happen in lightyears to come, ever fall for me, that will just scare the shit out of me even more.  but this happening would be so cute if it did.

a girl can dream, right? calling out to the universe . . .

Sunday, April 26, 2015

angry girl journal 04.26.2015

"going through something" is not an excuse, not a license, to treat people like crap.  you are not expected to explain yourself in order to justify your words or actions but neither are people obliged to find out why you are the way you are in order for them to better understand you.  they may be going through worse.

what IS expected though, is that we respect everyone regardless and be kind to one another.  the world can be so much better and you'll feel better too.

Friday, April 24, 2015

Basilio and Bear

i don't have a pet.  ever since my father died, Nathan, my former manager, has been bugging me to get a dog.  he thinks my life would be so much happier if i had one.

i don't like dogs.  well, i don't hate them.  they're just not for me.  when i was younger, i almost got my face bitten by a dog so i was scared of dogs growing up.  now, not so much.  but i don't think i can get myself to take care of one.  cats are more like me, i guess.  M and i shared a fascination for cats during the course of our relationship, but that ended.  and . . .

cats seem to follow me around everywhere i go.  i used to drink at this place near work and there was a cam-whore cat who stayed there all the time.  it would ask for food and occasionally pose for a picture.  through the course of my being single, and alone, cats have informally settled in the house.  i try not to get too attached by giving them names since bad things happen to them the moment i do.

there was this cute little white cat in 2013 who made me tardy because i couldn't resist its fluffy white fur and blue eyes.  unlike my feline friend from the watering hole, this one did noot like to pause for photo opportunities.

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sadly, i lost that kitten to a flash flood in our area.  and another one got run over.  so  . . .

i don't want to get a dog, or any pet for that matter, because i'm always out of the house.  knowing me and how passionate i am about my work, and everything else, i cannot bear the thought of owning one and leaving it alone in the house without me.  they're like children, you cannot leave them alone without worrying.  and i like to worry.  also, that was the other reason i guess M and i didn't last.  we were attached to the pets we've encountered in the relationship but our fascination for pets outlived our fascination for each other.  it's like that character Whitney Cummings played on her show.  her boyfriend Chris wanted to get a dog but she didn't want to because she was afraid that their relationship would end and she'd be stuck with a pet she didn't want.  she ended up loving the dog anyway.  sadly it died.

this movie i watched last year, Lorna, about a sixty-something single mother who went home to a cat she called Basilio also comes to mind.  she would buy him food but one day she came home she found him run over by a vehicle.  it was a sad day for Lorna.  which is why while i keep feeding you and say hello to you when i come home the way Celina Kyle did in the first Batman movie, i refuse to give you a name.  hell, i don't even check if you're a boy or a girl.  i refuse to, for fear that if i get too attached i'd lose you like all the important things going on in my life and i don't want to.  lose you.

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Bels:  do you REALLY not care about anyone but yourself? where were you when I needed you?!

cat: i'm just going to keep staring at you and ignore what you just said until you get the food

because that's the way with us.

although, if i did consider getting a dog, it would have to be a Belgian Malinois.  yes, yes, Graubaer's Boker who portrays Bear in Person of Interest!  i really think he's adorable.  not to mention, if somebody harms me, he'll eat them.  lol.

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and with that, i will leave you with a picture of my favorite pair of concerned dog owners:

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Wednesday, April 22, 2015

it is a thankless job, after all

because i never forget where i came from; i acknowledge that there are individuals more intelligent, more hardworking and more passionate than i; and i always do know what the hell is going on

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Tuesday, April 21, 2015

angry girl journal 04.21.2015

despite the abundance of social platforms where one can connect with or be rejected by someone, i am pining over somebody who is off the grid.

i don't think i know how to flirt anymore


mahirap mag-abang ng bus pauwi ng Novalovakia

pero mas madali ako makakakuha ng bus pauwi kesa ng love life

and i'm fine with that 

Sunday, April 19, 2015

not as evil as i thought

i once said here that John Lloyd Cruz is evil.  i may have been wrong.

i seem to have forgotten that the marketing people surrounding him are responsible for making him seem so perfect and after reading this article on him in preparation for a movie he's doing, made me see that i may have been harsh in judging him.

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it is about time that JLC grew out of the leading man roles that he has been playing and like Piolo and Derek (ex-boyfriend of JLC's current girlfriend Angelica Panganiban, herself proving to be a great actress.  although not of the same acting caliber as Piolo and JLC, has been typecast to play philandering husband roles when apparently he can actually do better as we have seen in The Janitor), portray more challenging roles that bring out the best in him.  it's just sad because all throughout the filming of the movie, instead of helping promote the story, his network has been more focused on his celebrity, rather than his talent.  the price for making money.

i understand that each and every one of us make sacrifices for the people we love, and i was wrong to think that JLC was all about money and making us swoon.  i forget that like you and i, he has a family and all he wants is to give them a better life.  i forget that despite being a very private person, he has to open up his world to majority of the population and play the part of the dutiful son who gets over and above the limelight for the benefit of the family he so loves.  

Friday, April 17, 2015

angry girl journal 04.17.2015

i miss my parents, no doubt about that. but i'm also glad nobody shakes me in the middle of my sleep after a long stressful day at work just to beat me up and curse at me because for someone who was paying all the bills i still wasn't a good enough daughter.

growing up i was made fun of for being weird, ugly, fat, poor, stupid, plus i had this awkward attraction to girls and boys that i couldn't talk to my parents about.  they were already working hard to give me an education, i didn't want to bother them. i didn't have any friends whom i could call or text in the middle of whatever they were doing just so i could vent about my petty issues. i had to make imaginary ones.  there was no Facebook or any other form of social media where i could post what i felt.  there were no camera phones for me to take a selfie of how miserable i was to show everyone my crying face.  there was no one out there whom i could reach out to, no one to hear me, see me.  it was just me, my pimples and my fat body.  if i slit my wrists, no one found out.  there was no support group for self-mutilating suicidal bisexual teenagers.

but i could write.  at least, i thought i could. i am used to being alone.  being left alone.  having no one to talk to. i learned how to rely on myself.  i'm not the greatest writer.  i have no body of work to speak of.  but i am able to express myself articulately (most of the time), and surprisingly, keep my sanity.  i could sing, too.  mine is not the greatest of voices.  God gave me a pair of good ears and while i dont like the sound of my speaking voice, i could do wonders when singing.  i think.  those two things i am grateful i have.  they compensated for my lack of companions.  of course, when i do find friends, i tend to cling on to them for dear life and hog all their attention.  i never had friends until late in life. and while they are imperfect human beings, they are perfect to me.  God's presence in my life, i like to say. they fill the void and at the same time i feel like i am doing something relevant in the world apart from the work that i do. i mean, i should be.  otherwise, why would they stay? nobody thought i was worth spending a lifetime with.

i have said before that it has taken a long time and a whole lot of work for me to be this cool.  somehow i still feel like i'm lacking.  i still make mistakes. i still am angry.  but i am still strong.  i'm still weird.  still fat.  still ugly.  still poor. still stupid.  i still am awkwardly attracted to boys and girls and people might still be making fun of me behind my back, if not to my face. i'd probably still be beaten up for not being good enough.


Saturday, April 04, 2015

furious woman journal 04.04.2015

disclaimer:  really pissed off rant

of course i really like it when people pretend to ask how i am doing, but really, what they want to do is ask me for a birthday gift, right after i took them out to a play, and a couple of indie movies, which, by the way, are not cheap.

i think this is the part where i really draw the line with you.  i've told you about it for so long and maybe i have ignored it long enough to tolerate it but you are too much.  it's weird how you never seem to care or bother to think that maybe, just maybe, the reason i'm so mean to you is because you're just a little bit thick.

you are too much.  you have become impossibly heavy for me to bear.

we've already established how self-centered you are, how you think the world revolves around you and how you feel that only your problems matter. because there is a conspiracy to try and test your faith, and while we will all burn in hell for our indiscretions, you will be saved because you are a Christian favored by God.  because God loves confused straight people with so much negativity that they bring other people to sin.

"Whining is a form of manipulation.  People will give anything just to make you shut up."

- Jessica Zafra, Chicken Pox for the Soul

yes, that's what it is.  your incessant whining.  so even if i already gave you two gifts, the materialistic person that you are, you still want one more. it's amazing how you can demand very expensive branded gifts from me when you're such a cheapskate in terms of what you give back, not that it's about money.  we all work hard, but that you keep asking for so much when you give so little, like you were the only one with problems, the only one working hard.  that's what pisses me off, (i'm not a bank.  if anything, you still owe me money), because you were so busy obsessing about this cute guy you are cyberstalking at Twitter (because according to you, "he speaks to me" you think!), you just HAD to ask for another gift for your birthday.  and collect for Christmas, too.  is that what they teach you in church? do you ask expensive gifts from your office friends and then give them crappy ones in return? whatever happened to, "it's the thought that counts"?

because it's your birthday and EVERYBODY just has to make a big deal out of it.  remember what you said about my birthday? you know, the one you just had to make about you.  because everything is about you.  my birthday and you promised me a cake, a cake your sister ate which you didn't bother to replace because you had to get a haircut and look good.  for MY birthday dinner party.  like i needed the added stress your "friendship" was already giving me.  YOU HAD ONE JOB. and then you gave me a gift which you thought i'd like. tell me something:  did you want it for yourself? because i can give it back.  i haven't been reading anyway.  i've been too busy listening to all of your problems.  oh, and remember what i said about having just one party because people had a tendency to make it about themselves? i was referring to you, bitch!

and while we're on the subject of reading, watching indie films and musicals, you know how i hate being called, "artsy-fartsy".  if you were any bit as smart as you pretend to be, you'd know how derogatory it is and how offended i am when you call me that.  but NO, you just HAVE to keep calling me that everytime we go see a play or indie film. which I PAID FOR.  and while we're on the subject of calling people names, i really really hate it when you say this person is gay or is a product of a second family. how very Christian-like of you, especially since you're pretty sure of other people's sexuality other than your own, Mr. I'm-a-Straight-Christian-Man-who-is-just-Confused who's never had a crush on a woman for the length of time i've known you.  it's amazing how you've managed to lie to yourself for so long to believe that crap when people can smell you a mile away. i respect that you still cannot come out because you are afraid or because you think it is a sin (or it's Adam's fault for giving in to Eve or because you never grew up with a father) and you condemn yourself for these feelings but then you are so quick to judge other people for the decisions that you are afraid to make yourself.  i just don't get it.  so many people want so much be respected for who they are, what they have become, and you're so proud of pretending to be someone you're not. POSER.

you still haven't, have NEVER, and probably really have no plans to, apologize for her.  even when you finally did, it's because i made you, and you still maintained that you did nothing wrong.  people go out on a limb to defend me, people who don't know me as long as you have, and they do.  and please, just stop.  STOP.  she and i, we will never be friends.  sure, i compliment her (she is a good dresser - somebody must've given her feedback, finally) and flatter her a lot and she may think i am okay now, but she and i, WE WILL NEVER BE OKAY.  the same way, no matter how you try, you and i will never be that okay again.  when people treat others like help, it doesn't matter to me if they're going through hell or not, THEY ARE SHIT TO ME.  i don't know how people who don't have that much money can hold themselves above other people thinking themselves to be better when the really truly rich ones, they're the ones who prefer to lay low.  these are the people you like to hang out with, these are the people you like to suck up to.  these are the people you want to become, if you're not there yet.

oh, and why do you have to text me just because you can't post your shit on Facebook or Twitter or social media in general?  why do you have to post it in social media?  why does everyone have to know every waking detail of your pathetic life?  that's what friends are for, you tell them your problems, not social media.  IDIOT.  i stopped caring, i am getting tired of caring because you never bother to ask how i am, you just keep fucking talking.  even after i've said the words to try and comfort you, you're just one big dragging shitty B movie.  it's so draining to be around you. for someone who goes to church a lot, i don't believe anything they say in there really means anything to you.  you judge people more than i, and i'm supposed to be the sinner here.

seriously, what on God's great earth do you not understand about, "i don't want to be around you for a while, i don't want to hear from you or speak with you, unless it's work-related"  does nothing ever get through to your thick head other than the sound of your own voice?!  how selfish can you get??? you call and you start talking without asking if it was a good time to talk or not.  you pause for a reaction but if it's not what you want to hear, you keep whining and then you call me impolite when i can't even get a word in.  you wait for an opportunity to turn the conversation back to you.

this is how i see you:  between me, and our friendship, if there was some opportunity for you to get ahead, you will throw me under the bus.  that's how i feel around you.  that's how you treat me.  you already have, and i'm not surprised if it happens again.  just because i cannot contribute to your social climbing, your career, doesn't mean i'm any less of a friend.  it's all about power and fame for you.  when will grow up?

that was a lot to put out.  but only because you never change and you drain the shit out of me and you treat me like dirt when all i have been is kind to you.  now, i will use a different approach.  i won't care about you, won't listen to you, if i don't have to.  i'm not here to patronize you, you fucking faggot social climbing hypocrite.  that's not what my friendship is about.  if you don't like it, you are welcome to leave.  oh, wait, you don't leave.  you just like to drag down the people who really care about you.  so here's the part where i leave.

have a nice life.  

Thursday, April 02, 2015

Visita Iglesia: walking with my Lord

i cannot remember the last time i did the fourteen churches.  i think my father was still alive then.  then i stopped since i "went to work" and he didn't mind since i was getting the double pay.  when he died, i just stayed at home if i didn't have to work.

i also stopped going to church because i didn't want to be around the hypocrites who went there.  i do get invitations to go to other churches, try new things different from the faith upon which i was brought up.  but that's just it: whether it's a Catholic church, a Christian church, a Buddhist temple, or a mosque, if you say or do the exact opposite of the teachings at the same time you hold yourself righteous above all others, then to me you are only making a mockery of that faith.  i have my own relationship with my Creator.  i don't go to His house often but i talk to Him whenever i can and i am careful not to hurt others with my words, thoughts and deeds.  many people go to church every Sunday, post bible quotes in social media but they don't really do what is right.  i'd rather be the one who doesn't go to church but tries to do good.

today was an opportunity to visit churches.  even if i didn't get enough sleep coming from work, i went to a friend's house for lunch (because he thought that it has been a while since i had a home cooked meal and he was right.  it feels stupid if i had to cook for one) and then we left to visit the churches in the u-belt area.

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it was very exhausting but i cherished the experience because i got to spend time with friends, amd i got to spend time with the Lord.  i talk to Him all the time, every chance i get, but it was nice to be able to visit His houses all over the metro.

i know that He is always with me, and i would not be this strong without Him in my life.  visiting His houses not only brought back memories of my youth with my mother and father, but it also renewed my strength and my faith in our Father. with Him, in Him, i can do all things.