Thursday, February 26, 2015

angry girl journal 02.26.2015

very mature and Christian-like of you to "unfriend" me in social media.  instead of reaching out to resolve this, that's what you do.  it's sad because i really thought of you as a friend.

lessons learned, indeed.

i sit with you, i email you, i talk to you over the phone, but i don't seem to get the message through.  i know you have tons of things to do.  so do i.  and this is the part, where as he said, i can't hold your hand right now.  i have to do my job.

before i used to cover for a lot of people when they were late in their deadlines and that got me into trouble.  i ended looking inefficient because instead of pointing out that this person didn't do their job or didn't do their job well or didn't do their job well on time, i just let it slide and took the wrath for it. and this is the part, where he said, i am not here to make friends.

friends are supposed to support each other and they shouldn't be cause for the other to lose their job. okay, technically, i won't lose my job. but you're being difficult and i could ultimately fail because of your inability to deliver.  i mean, case in point:  he was a lousy friend, and he was an arrogant co-worker; he would always want to take the easy way out just to get ahead of everyone, but when i needed something from him, he delivered.

i cannot say the same thing about you.

all this time i'm trying to think if there is some inability on my part to try to reach out or communicate effectively to explain why i am not getting what i need from you.  but everybody else got me what i needed and i have in fact, planned accordingly based on the information they gave me.  i don't see why, how, you whom i have devoted time to, in order for you not to feel abandoned, cannot give me what i need to do my job.  and i get it, i totally get it.  i have been in the position where i am doing so many things at once and i have no one to rely on but myself.  but i am able to get people what they need and if for some reason i cannot execute because i don't understand what the ask is, i go ahead and ask.  the part where she said, what is stopping you from accomplishing this and how can i support you so you can, because "no, i can't!" is just not good enough an answer.

this isn't about trying to show how incompetent you are.  i don't do that.  you're my friend.  well, at least, you were.  i am willing to admit my faults to fix this.  sadly, you are not.  if only you could stop being the victim all the time. i don't see why you couldn't sit down with me the way i had sat down and explained everything to you.  even the emails you sent to me were as difficult to comprehend as you are.  and i don't mind that you sent me crap because you felt the need to show me how shitty you felt but that same email was sent to other people.  are you willing to show them just how unprofessional you are by sending them crap?

i know it feels like i've thrown you under the bus by reaching out to her, knowing that when i do, she will give you hell, because that's what she does.  but you leave me no choice.  talking to you is futile.  the lights are on but no one's there. i know she can micromanage you like crazy, you always complain about it.  you think asking her for something i asked you a long time ago is betrayal. if i fail to execute my job because of your failure to deliver, then what do you call that?

if anything, i should be "unfriending" you.