Tuesday, January 20, 2015

angry girl journal 01.20.2015

Tuesday after the Papal Visit is a test. there is a possibility that we didn't learn anything from the five-day long weekend the Lord gave us to reflect on our lives. thing is, Pope Francis visited us to remind us that God is always here for us, but it doesn't mean that we can go "back to normal" after, if "normal" equals horrible.  okay, maybe not horrible.

what's that other H word? Hypocrite! exactly!

that visit should mean something more than just selfies and hashtags.

Sunday, January 18, 2015

my faith IS waterproof, apparently, and so am i

i had my transparent backpack, my disposable raincoat (umbrellas weren't allowed for security reasons but oh, the number of umbrellas that went up during the rain - this is the reason we're still a developing country, people. the "discipline" and the corruption ugh), my baseball cap, my shirts and my picnic mat.  up until the time i left the house, until the time i got there, i would say that there were so many times i wanted to leave.  i mean, i wanted to but somehow i kept resisting.  i really didn't think i would go.

but i did.

 photo Luneta-Crowd-Final-Mass_zpsc400e758.jpg
photo courtesy of www.philstar.com

yes, i'm in there somewhere.  given that i missed Pope John Paul II during the World Youth Day celebration twenty years ago because "strict ang parents ko eh!*" and the fact that this Pope is very different based on what i have read and heard about him, i went. i had a little push from friends, too and i'm grateful. i didn't want to miss the opportunity.

despite my personal feelings about the church i stayed. i finished the mass until the end.  i didn't do what most people do where after Holy Communion, they'd leave like it was a movie.  hell, i grew up like that. my family, we went to mass late and leave early.  my dad didn't like going to mass. they would only stay because my mother was sick and needed to be blessed.  pretty soon, i didn't want to go to church too. there were points i thought were verbose and superficial.  maybe i'm just not used to the new responses.  haven't been attending mass for a while.  like i said, i have a very personal relationship with my Creator.  there were so many temptations to head back and leave, and even when i already stayed a couple of hours in one spot, i felt the urge to go. the desire to pee, for instance, became stronger since the rain, while not that heavy, did not stop either.  i wasn't cold, i wasn't hungry, but we all know i have a kidney problem so . . .

i didn't take any selfies.  only a few people knew i was going and that i was actually there, although i didn't see them given the sea of people who were there.  i went on that pilgrimage for me, as part of my journey. i asked God for strength the whole time and He didn't leave me. He was there for me and everyone else. some were there for longer than i was, and i have wasted my time on less important things.  it was something i had to do.  something i had to see myself go through.

this is what i looked like during the mass celebrated by Pope Francis.  i was drenched, of course.

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i learned a lot during that experience, that i was surprised myself.  i realized that i could fast for more than 12 hours, hold my pee for 7 hours and i really have high tolerance for cold temperature.

i'm glad i did this. i feel good about myself.

more importantly, while i'm not as vocal as most people are about their Christianity, i know my faith is as strong as everybody else, maybe stronger.


*i had strict parents

Friday, January 02, 2015

2014 was not a bad year for Filipino movies. i think.

after my father died i stopped watching local movies. apart from James Bond movies, he was a big fan of FPJ and Dolphy and don't get me wrong, so am i.  it's just that i didn't like the idea of them going to the beach and bursting to song and dance in the middle of the movie.  so with the exception of that one time i was kidnapped and betrayed by friends to watch this cringe-inducing love triangle featuring Claudine Barretto, Richard Gutierrez and Anne Curtis-Smith or that one time i got bullied by a battalion of gay men into seeing this slapstick comedy featuring a gay man who turns into a horse (frankly, i still prefer the original), i only limit myself to indie Filipino movies.

in 2014, i found myself watching eight (eight!) local movies, and one of them is a love story.   i'm glad i did.

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this year, i'm going to make sure i watch more indie films, to support promising writers, actors, and directors. some of them may be love stories, some of them may have violence, some of them may talk about sexuality or religion but one thing's for sure: they all have a voice that's meant to be heard.  seen.  felt.