Monday, December 28, 2015

fathers honored

this song was used for the original soundtrack of the movie, Honor Thy Father.  written by Gary Perez and originally performed by Sampaguita, 


Tulad ng isang ibon
Tao ay lumilipad
Pangarap ang tanging nais
Na marating at matupad

Isip ay nalilito
Pag nakakakita ng bago
Lahat ng bagay sa mundo
Ay isang malaking tukso

Bakit pa luluha
Bakit maghihirap
Ayaw mang mangyari
Ay di masasabi

Sasaktan mo lamang
Puso ay huwag sugatan
Ito'y laro lamang
Sa mundong makasalanan

Tubig ay natutuyo
Bulaklak ay nalalanta
Araw ay limilipas
Sa kadilim ang punta

Sasaktan mo lamang
Puso ay huwag sugatan
Ito'y laro lamang
Sa mundong makasalanan

Tulad ng isang ibon
Tao rin ay mamamatay
Pangarap niyang tanging nais
Makarating sa kabilang buhay

that moment when you see John Lloyd Cruz give it everything and at the same time he loses everything, you hear a guitar strumming and Armi Millare's haunting voice starts to sing as he drives away.  Erwin Romulo just had to make her sing it.  

my father used to sing this song to me.  Honor Thy Father is a film about a desperate man's attempts to keep his family together.  of course, i cried.  go figure.  

Sunday, December 27, 2015

Honor Thy Filmfest

for so many years, the Metro Manila Film Festival has been serving us with garbage every Christmas, with a few exceptional films every now and then.  we are rarely given an opportunity to see a film that challenges us to think, and feel.  Honor Thy Father is one of those films and i have been  forward to seeing it.  sadly, it has been disqualified from the Best Picture category. to think that MMFF used to give us films like this before. it still does, actually, but the New Wave category only had a short barely noticed run. now it is only focused on the amount of money the festival can make.

i do not wish to take away the hard work that was put into making the other films and we should support them, too. i only hope that we can support game changers like Honor Thy Father. John Lloyd Cruz is a great actor.  you all loved him as Popoy, but here he has done so much more and is someone different than just the boy-next-door.

please see Honor Thy Father and spread the word.

Monday, December 21, 2015

angry girl journal 12.21.2015

"oh bels, i'm so sorry.  i know you're not feeling okay right now but can we please just talk about me?"

Sunday, December 20, 2015

NCIS: tiva forever

a couple of years ago, i was devastated to find out that one of my favorite tv couples were breaking up.  Cote de Pablo, the actress who plays Ziva, was leaving NCIS after seven years.

seeing that i was going to have a long holiday, i went back and caught up on episodes of NCIS up to the point of this moment, when Tony was convincing Ziva to come back to DC with him to start a new life.

without breaking Rule#12!

 photo tiva1_zpsexiu7pdl.jpg

it breaks my heart that after all that time, knowing what they know and how they feel about each other, that things had to be that way.  after her father's death, Ziva went out to find herself and was not proud of the person she has become, and yet, Tony has loved her just the same.  we did see in Truth or Consequences (season 7, episode 1) a very honest Tony, telling Ziva that he went all but hell and back of Somalia to find her because, "I couldn't live without you, I guess."  while Tony and Ziva never spoke of their feelings, it is in the Past, Present and Future, where all is felt and determined.

while Ziva's character has already left the show, it has left a dent in Tony's life, as he keeps dating and dating to find someone that might be like Ziva and he fails; much like Gibbs keeps looking for Shannon in all his other ex-wives.  there's still a chance that Ziva might come back, or Tony might leave NCIS and follow her.  you never know.  love that strong definitely deserves a happy ending.  Tony and Ziva are not done yet.  just you wait!

Saturday, December 19, 2015

Ang Sayaw ng Dalawang Paa: interesting look into dancing and literature

 photo 2 left feet poster_zpskfdqtptf.jpg

Marlon has a crush on his college Literature professor, Karen, but cannot seem to grasp the concepts in class.  he stalks her and finds out she moonlights as a choreographer and dance teacher.  in order to impress her, he enrolls in her class, but not before he asks one of his classmates, Dennis, to tutor him with the steps.  he and Dennis become friends and he does become a good dancer, good enough to impress Karen, until she finds out what Marlon has been up to.

it seems like a weird love triangle, but the film is much deeper than that.  featuring the poetry of Merlinda Bobis, Ruth Elynia Mabanglo, Joi Barrios, Rebecca Anonuevo, Benilda Santos and Ophelia Dimalanta, it shows what it is like to become a feminist in a third-world country.  not easy still, given that majority of the population still live under a rock.  Karen is focused on her art, and oblivious to Marlon's feelings, but very much aware of the tension happening between him and Dennis.  she sets them up to be leads in her production after she receives a grant.  this allows them to make peace and understand better the meaning behind the words they are to interpret as dance.

sometimes, what we think to be vague is just right in front of us; we are just too blind to see, and therefore, it hinders our ability to understand.  at the end of the dance, Marlon realizes.

Friday, December 18, 2015

TOTO: the American dream, whatever it takes

 photo toto poster_zpsukxjzjbt.jpg

Toto hails from Tacloban, a city badly damaged by the typhoon Yolanda.  his mother has cancer and in order to support her and his other siblings, he works as a hotel room boy in Manila.  he dreams of going to America to work so that he can support his family. his father made it to Las Vegas to become a stage act and promised to petition the rest of the family but he only ended up as a dishwasher who drank and gambled away everything.   he hopes to one day succeed where his father has failed and he will do whatever it takes to fulfill his dream.

Toto makes one last attempt to get to America but gets scammed and ends up owing a lot of people money and hurting people's feelings.  one of the hotel guests becomes a friend of Toto's and gives him an opportunity to work in the US legally and fulfill his dreams.

despite its light nature, the movie reminds us the value of hard work and the importance of family.  it also shows us, sadly, that there will always be bad people out there who will take advantage of you and make you lose hope but at the end of the day, nothing beats an honest man's hard work.  

Thursday, December 10, 2015

angry girl journal 12.10.2015

i still don't know how or why i've become so sad.  it's still something i'm trying to figure out and overcome because it is already getting in the way of my work.  i just feel so alone right now.

the problem with talking to people who already know who you are, how you are, is that they do tend to think you might just be acting.  because they know how strong you are, they know that you will get over it eventually and they won't even bother to make the effort to try to hear you out or cheer you up because you can make it.  it's sad when you can't rely on anyone but yourself and the people around you leave you to your tendencies.

but what if i run out of ties?  what if i can't snap out of it?  what if cutting myself suddenly becomes a great, lingering idea i can't get out of my weary head?  of course i don't think so, that's why i don't do it anymore, because i know better.  but don't they think i get tired of crying all the time?

it's not like i'm not trying here.  i am.  i really am.  i'm doing my best to focus on work.  it's hard when all i feel like doing is cry all the time.  work is the only think i have other than my faith that is constant.  my faith hasn't waned, but that i cannot focus on work because the sadness takes over, is really hard for me.

i know not everyone can be there for everyone all the time.  but i try.  i can.  i am.  most days.  so how come no one is here for me? 

Friday, December 04, 2015

it was a great ride, Scott.

every time i'm falling down
all alone, i fall to pieces

she doesn't know her name
she doesn't know her face
let them be

time to take a ride
it leaves today no conversation
time to wait too long
these conversations kill

what would you do?
what would you do if I followed you?
what would you do if I follow?

all of these things you said to me.

good night, Scott Weiland.

You're The Worst: the fifth character

don't look now but it appears that the real stars of this show are Becca and Vernon.  i swear, everything in the show revolves around them:  the Pilot episode starts in their wedding, and the season 1 finale features them announcing their pregnancy.  it's confusing if you didn't know any better.  the funny thing about it is that Becca and Vernon both know that inviting Jimmy and Gretchen will be a disaster, but they always seem to be in the guest list anyway.

season 2 of You're The Worst brings us our favorite toxic couple, Jimmy and Gretchen, and the dynamics of their relationship when they start living together following the burning of Gretchen's apartment.  here we see the two of them try hard to make everything exciting and fun.  we also see Edgar evolve as he discovers his talent for improv and Lindsay "coping" with her separation with Paul.  then we get introduced to a fifth character, as described by Chris Geere.  and i am not talking about Amy, Paul's girlfriend, or Dorothy, Edgar's girlfriend, or Nina, the hot bar owner.  somewhere within the second season we find out about Gretchen's depression and how she tries desperately to keep it together.  it has gotten so bad that it is affecting her work and her relationship with Jimmy and their friends.

relationships are hard.  it's why Gretchen is scared of having them and Jimmy doesn't believe in them anymore; and yet they find themselves drawn to each other, taking the leap together to see how far it will go. Slothrust singing 7:30AM ("I'm gonna leave you anyway, I'm gonna leave you anyway, I'm gonna leave you anyway . . .")  at the opening credits doesn't help their cause towards happily ever after but we all wish for it just the same.  Gretchen tries to conceal her depression from Jimmy and then tries to push him away.  Jimmy tries to "fix her" and fails miserably until he gives up and gets tempted to take the easy way out by kissing and almost running away with Nina.   as spectators, you want them to stay together because no matter how rotten they are as people, they actually make sense and give us the hope that relationships, even that of the most disturbed or absurd or wretched or flawed people, can actually work.  but then they've gotten so far apart because of this fifth character and you don't think either of them can still emerged from all the hurtful things said and done.

and then this:

 photo ytw_zpsdcl0wwhu.jpg there is hope for the rest of us, people.

Tuesday, December 01, 2015

dream lover

a couple of years ago, i dreamt about a guy and me boarding a bus.  he was holding my hand and his other arm was around me.  we were cuddling in the bus.  i couldn't see his face though.  for all i know, i could've been a "her".  i could only see that the person seemed younger than me and that he/she had fair complexion.

this morning (or afternoon - it's hard to tell, with this body clock and my work hours) when i woke up, i remember a guy (we're sure this time)  driving me around while i was asleep.  when i awoke, i put my hand over his as he drove.  he said he didn't want to bother me while i was sleeping.  he held my hand and kissed my forehead when he knew i had awakened.  still i didn't see his face, only that like my bus buddy, he seemed younger than i was.  

i am really getting curious as to who this man, of my dreams, literally, is.  i keep wondering if i'll ever know him.  

any moment now?

angry girl journal 12.01.2015

nobody knows the trouble i've seen.

16 Reasons Being A Canadian Lesbian Is Such A Struggle

nobody knows my sorrow.

For Everyone Who's Actually Still In Love With "Love Actually"

Monday, November 30, 2015

angry girl journal 11.30.2015

i'm bipolar.  i don't know for sure, i haven't been diagnosed.  i'm scared to find out.  but it's the only way i know or can explain what i'm feeling.  when i was younger, they would call it, "manic-depressive", but now science, and the internet, have both come up with one word to describe it:

 photo bipolar disorder_zps96nxj16o.jpg

i easily switch from happy to sad and back.  i have been able to successfully mask my sadness in front of others.  i have been able to show to people so far that i am well-adjusted (weird, but well-adjusted) and i have a sound mind.  lately, i don't believe it to be so.  i have trouble working.  i cannot focus.  it frustrates me that i am unable to focus on my duties.  i have been like this for a month now.  it saddens me that i seem to be unreliable at work.  it saddens me that i am able to comfortably help others with their own tasks, issues, problems, but i never seem to be able to work on my own.  it has been a struggle.  i have made people believe that i have no right to be depressed about anything.  people are so used to me so hyper that oftentimes i feel like i have no right to be unhappy or show any sign of negative emotion even when i am aching inside.  i try to shake it off and focus.  FOCUS.  i'm having trouble getting it together.  i cannot keep it together.  it makes me sad that i cannot focus on work.  when i'm alone and i can't reach out to someone, i look forward to my work to keep me preoccupied so i don't feel as sad.  after all, they say that work will always be there.  so it frustrates me that i cannot work as efficiently as i'd like.

i have been alone for a long time.  i have.  even when my parents were still alive, i felt that way.  it was a battle i was facing on my own with no one helping me, no one guiding me.  i would sink so quickly in it and fight my way to get better just as quickly so no one would see how bad it was getting.

For Everyone Who's Actually Still In Love With "Love Actually"

i don't want to be a burden to the people around me.  i don't want them to feel obliged to help me out when they don't want to.  that's why they don't ask how i am, right?  it's because they cannot be bothered to care about other people's problems apart from their own.  they make me feel like such an insignificant part of their lives and yet they come by and disrupt my equilibrium when they feel like it.  they automatically think that i can and will drop everything for them when they don't even bother to ask if i am alright.  nobody cares for me.  and yet i feel so strongly for these people.  it disappoints me so.

people are so quick to dismiss me and my pain, like it was so easy living alone.  if only i could switch it off as easy as you would say, "snap out of it!" but it's not.  it's not like i haven't tried that yet. people only reach out to me when they need me for something but nobody ever seems to ask me how i am, how i feel and how i am holding up on my own.

 photo cryinglady.jpg

i'm trying to get better.  i'm praying.  i talk to people.  i focus on work.  it's a struggle but i'm working on it. i'm not as strong as people think i am.   i will get better. 

Friday, November 27, 2015

i'd fall in love with that hippie

"When I think of why I make pictures, the only reason that I can come up with just seems that I’ve been making my way here. It seems right now that all I’ve ever done in my life has been making my way here to you." 
Robert Kincaid, The Bridges of Madison County

i just saw the musical today and i was pleasantly surprised.  before i watch a musical, i usually do some initial research about the story or the cast.  i didn't even get to see the film nor read the book. i didn't want other people's opinion get to me and affect how i saw it.  i just know that the movie starred Meryl Streep and that co-star Clint Eastwood directed it.  this production would feature Mig Ayesa and Joanna Ampil.

Mig Ayesa gained popularity in the Philippines a few years back when he placed third in the reality show Rockstar:  INXS and because he was half-Filipino. his co-star Joanna Ampil played Kim in the London and Sydney productions of Miss Saigon.  theirs is a powerful combination, along with the wonderful story and the great ensemble cast.

 photo bridgesofmadisoncounty_zpsulodmwn7.jpg

the story proves to us that life is all about choices.  that love is too powerful to be measured.  oftentimes it is not about the length of time people know each other, but by how deep their connection is, and how they've grown with each other at the time they are given. Francesca and Robert only had four days, but their bond was stronger than time itself. they knew what would have happened had they been selfish but apart kept them sane and their love everlasting.  again, our choices define us.

if this movie, or the musical,  has taught me anything, apart from following your heart, it's that whenever you feel that you have to tell yourself, or reassure the other person that you are not doing anything wrong, it's highly probable that you will be, if you are not already, doing something wrong.

but then, love is never wrong.

Monday, November 23, 2015

Friday, October 30, 2015

sometimes brotherhood is not really what it is

 photo FB_IMG_14462186691661_zpswz70hoas.jpg

initial reviews that came out on the movie Kapatiran were not good.  it was described as a big disappointment, a total waste of one's time and effort, and the film's slot in the festival could have gone to someone else.  so while the director says it is his best film yet, i didn't have high expectations.  however, i graduated from law school and i am a member of a fraternity/sorority so something in me wants it to be good, or at least realistic.

sadly, IT IS NOT.

while i wouldn't say it was a total waste of my time, despite of what i have read, i tried to be objective for the most part.  people can have varying interpretations of one single line so the director's point of view is one of many we can consider and not all of us will agree on a single point every single time.

i haven't been to a law school for over a decade so many things could have changed in the span of ten years.  i have been to two different law schools, spent six years studying and finishing the study of law and while i didn't succeed in becoming a lawyer, i don't believe the film painted an accurate picture of that experience.  for starters, i don't believe you can enter law school without graduating from college.  there is no Math Society in law school. and while there is still some form of public humiliation in the hazing we do, i don't believe hazing to the point of murder is something any of the law students do. anymore. these are already professionals, people who may have already started their own families, not some punks who still want to prove themselves better than others.  the actors are too young to be law students, even for folks who graduated from college and went straight to law school aren't that young.  there were so many scenes from every day life that were put there, and even without any sort of relation (or relevance - that interview with this girl who had spent twelve days in Berlin and felt like she's always belonged there, didn't make sense to me, didn't serve a purpose and only reminded me of those nouveau riche folks who only spent a month in the US who forgot how it is to speak Filipino.  while it's remotely possible to feel trapped in Manila, the traffic is enough to make everyone feel that way, i don't believe everyone here knows everybody. social media is rampant now, but you can still disappear here, if you know how to - i know i do) to the theme of the movie, they would've been connected still, they could've made sense, had there been a story.

that's it, i said it:  there was no fucking story.  it was supposed to show why people join these organizations, especially in law school, despite the fact that fraternities and sororities already have a bad reputation for unnecessary violence in order to prove loyalty.  it did not. it made law school organizations look like a big farce.  there are good sides and bad sides to it.  because of the number of organizations present in a law school, there is a silo mentality, instead of being united to a common goal.  there is rampant drinking and smoking because not being able to memorize all those articles and read all those cases can make you so stressed out.  but we also give back to the community.  we offer legal aid to those who cannot afford it.  some of us who are in government actually do make a difference to try to clean the obnoxious and corrupt system.  not everyone who is a son/daughter of a congressman can get away with doing an illegal u-turn.  some just have to flash their tits.

Kapatiran is not all that bad.  amidst all the scenes they cut and paste together in between hazings and a dark sense of brotherhood are snippets of reality in the Philippines.  much as we like to close our eyes and ignore them, deny their existence, they just won't go away.  they are part of us - a constant reminder of how corrupted everything is but nowhere near is the problem getting solved.

overall, did i like the movie?  i didn't hate it.  i acknowledge the effort that was put into it. the research was flawed and there could've been more work done, a deeper dive, as we BPO folks say, as to the root cause for joining a fraternity/sorority. if there was more to it than what i already know about law schools and fraternities and sororities in law schools, it was not executed well enough to show a great story.  for all its intents and purposes, there was clearly love and effort put into it, but i don't believe it was the director's best effort.  i know so.  i've seen Above the Clouds and that was awesome.  

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

angry girl journal 10.28.2015

people hate it when i use the line, "i can die tomorrow for all we know" but we never really know when the bus will come.  it's so easy to take people for granted or hurt their feelings but it's never easy to tell them you care and i don't get it.  some of us live our lives and leave this earth without ever knowing if anybody ever gave a damn, if anyone cared back when all you have to do is speak up.

i always say, i'd rather be shot down for speaking my mind, for showing i care than beat myself up for not saying anything when i should've.

unrequited love is better than unspoken love.  

Thursday, October 15, 2015

angry girl journal 10.15.2015

at 5am this morning on the way home, there was traffic at Edsa-Shaw.  the bus  driver and the conductor dragged out and beat up a snatcher on the bus and got the traffic enforcers to pick him up.  it was quite the disturbance.

during my early morning bus rides, no matter how tired i am i do my best to stay awake so as not to fall prey to these lawless elements.  i am grateful that there are people who remain vigilant when things like this happen when it is so much easier to look away.  which makes me think:

if we were so mad at the petty thieves, why do we keep voting for the big fish who steal millions from our country?

Saturday, October 10, 2015

You're The Worst: how's this for a relationship goal?

Jimmy's eyes met with Gretchen's and they both smiled.  it was love at first sight.


 photo Screenshot_2015-10-10-07-34-431_zps7oxk7qqe.png

i discovered this show through an article written by Jessica Zafra (as i no longer have a tv since my neighbor cut their cable) and i enjoyed it immensely.  Jimmy (Chris Geere, even with backfat, he is fairly attractive)  chews up the bride, his ex-girlfriend, on her wedding day, because she wants to rub it in his face how happy she is.  Gretchen (Aya Cash) tries to steal one of the wedding gifts to try to resell it but ends up with a blender, not the food processor.  they end up sleeping together.  they know fully well to set expectations that it may or may not last because one is afraid of relationships and one doesn't believe in it anymore.

 photo Screenshot_2015-10-12-13-40-021_zps4ssgkqaa.png

even the main theme by Slothrust used at the beginning of the show reiterates it,:
"I'm gonna leave you anyway,
I'm gonna leave you anyway,
I'm gonna leave you anyway."
it's a cute romantic comedy without even trying to be. they are both mean, horrible people.  they know they're awful but they find no shame in it.  somehow the "relationship" works because they get each other and for some weird reason, Jimmy's radical honesty (more like insensitivity) evens out Gretchen's compulsive lying.  of course, Jimmy has to be a writer, an English one at that, who likes to rant about the futility of everything and rage against the dying of the light.  while he can be mean, he lets his former drug dealer with PTSD from serving in Iraq, Edgar (Desmin Borges), stay with him for cooking and some light cleaning.  Edgar is the heart of this show.  for his heroine addiction and his PTSD, he is still a great friend to Jimmy.  he believes in love.  Gretchen is a great liar to the point that she has made her parents believe she still drinks milk.  she cares about her client Sam, but tries to day drink as much as she can.   Lindsay (Kether Donahue), Gretchen's best friend, is the worst of them all.  she's pretty messed up.  she has cockoholism.

i love the show because it doesn't try to be funny and romantic, but it is.  the themes are pretty dark but people can still find humor in it.  i would imagine most relationships these days start like this, meaning they hook up, except maybe they aren't being true to each other or maybe because they immediately think that after a one-night thing, that person is "The One", so it doesn't last.    i mean, i would probably want one like it:   one that has disclaimers and clear expectations of what the other person wants and is about, one that is funny, true and mean, my favorite kind.  i want to have a relationship with someone who can't keep their hands off me, and don't want to lose me at the same time.  it will be one filled with chaos and heartbreak but it will be the most fun i would have.  it can last years or it can be hours, but it will be memorable.

Jimmy and Gretchen might be setting up each other for horrible sadness and pain, but i bet it will be worth it.

 photo Screenshot_2015-10-10-07-22-391_zpszvlyejvp.png

Wednesday, October 07, 2015

beep beep

hi.  i'm the beep card.  i'm your reloadable train card and i will be your companion for the next four years.  i had a rough start in MRT3 last Monday, but i'm pretty smooth sailing now.  people have gotten around to refunding their old stored value cards and are using me now.  they even have vending machines where you can reload me.  pretty soon, the tellers will be redundant because most people will be self-sufficient and there will be no need for long queues in the train.  and you can use me on all three train stations!

 photo 20151007_1632341_zps50zglsgo.jpg

but you don't need me.  instead of getting me out into the world, they could've renovated the comfort rooms at the train stations first, or fixed the escalators and elevators.  you don't need me.  you need more trains! trains that work.  the ones who don't shut down in the middle of your journey to wherever you need to go.  you need trains that have working air-conditioning so that even when they are full you don't smell like the sweat of the man standing behind you before you even get to the workplace.

you don't need another distraction just so you will forget that people are not doing their jobs to make your life better, you don't need me to show you that instead of working on better transportation for the masses, we got you a new card but we didn't increase the number of trains or did a better job of maintaining the rails.  you don't need me to be more pissed than you already are.

angry girl journal 10.07.2015

Facebook has a way of reminding you of some form of insanity you may have had from a few years back:

 photo adf07771-c24a-4e99-bbad-d70193afad5a_zpsmfvlc6ew.png

sometimes you do need that reminder to make sure past mistakes don't repeat themselves.

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

before aldub, there was Penelope and Johnny

 photo aldub-eat-bulaga-0822_zps8dondzin.jpg
photo courtesy of the

clearly, i am one with the nation in being crazy about #aldub.  i don't follow them as much, but i do love their tandem.  Alden Richards and Maine Mendoza are a match made in tv heaven.  their love story is one to be admired, as the brief segment on them brings us back to those days when people fell in love first before they slept together.

oh, right, they spent months without even actually meeting.  you could feel the tension onscreen and everyone is rooting for them to be together.  you miss that about our society, you know, actual courtship.  nowadays, people break up without actually feeling anything for each other.  you go to bed with a person you hardly know before you start having a relationship with them.  but with Alden and Maine, you get the old-fashioned wooing, where the gentleman brings the lady flowers in her home, meeting her parents, getting to know her well and respecting her.

i like that about them.  i like that watching their relationship unfold teaches us something about our forgotten culture.  it may not be the best of circumstances (they are being watched by the People of the Philippines, after all) but the challenges both of them face is one for the books.  i'm not going to spell out those lessons, kids.   you have to read the books.


 photo Screenshot_2015-09-30-14-57-311_zps3np7we9i.png

during an outdoor session with her class, she tells the children about how their family was cursed by a witch whose daughter fell off a cliff because of a broken heart.  she was the servant girl of a blue-blooded family, the Wilherns, and she got pregnant by one of the Wilhern boys who married someone of "their own kind".  witch mother curses the family that their first-born female will have the face of a pig and only one who loves her till death do them part shall turn her back to normal.

so Penelope grew up isolated and sheltered from everyone.  thankfully, she was not snotty growing up.  she was talented, bright and she had a good heart. neither a good name, good looks, nor riches are important to her.  she valued family, and friends and even when her mother had an odd way of protecting and appreciating her, Penelope loved her just the same.

this is the movie where James McAvoy didn't show abs, Peter Dinklage had one eye before the Game of Thrones, Reese Witherspoon was on a supporting role and Christina Ricci has a snout on 75% of the film.  but it teaches you not to judge people by their outside appearance.  that you should love people for who they are and not for what they can give you.

it never fails to make me smile. before #aldub were separated by splitscreens, Penelope and Johnny were separated by a one-way mirror. he loved her without seeing her, falling for her heart, not her face.  that doesn't happen anymore these days.

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Heneral Luna: we agree to disagree

 photo henbels_zps5agsga8p.jpg

some loved the movie, some thought it was overly-hyped, some got their artsy-fartsy on, and some just tried to join the bandwagon even if they didn't initially get it. but what it did was bring awareness to everyone. that there is a difference in opinion about the movie and that we have the freedom to voice it out is what makes it all the more great because it is the very right those heroes fought for. it brought us to a time when you had to choose if you wanted to live or die for your country or be a turncoat. it made us ask questions, go back to reading books about our history and look up the paintings instead of worrying about how to position the camera for our next selfie. it also made us proud because Filipinos can come up with films that will make everyone think and talk about something more meaningful than kabit one-liners. love or hate the man, the film about him proved that Filipinos are capable of great things. 

Saturday, September 26, 2015

sometimes you need a little push

i made a decision today which i should've made years ago.

i'm just waiting for the bigger picture, the ultimate plan to unfold.

the Lord always provides.  i have been living alone for the last six years and never once have i gone hungry or sick or lost.  i have always felt safe in the knowledge that there is a Higher Power watching over me and keeping me company in all the challenges that i have to face.  that same Higher Power guides me and shares the highest and lowest points of my life with me.  i am never alone.

of course, i made really bad decisions and obviously trusted the wrong people when i could've used that time to fix my life.  i can never get those years back again, but it's never too late to start, right?

oh, and just for the record, it's not because the broker is cute. 

Sunday, September 20, 2015

because Tita is bi

my cousin is worried about my niece.  i'm not. i have been monitoring her for a while.  if you can call it that.  my niece/goddaughter is showing tendencies. i personally am not alarmed.  i think it's great that she is open to diversity.

i truly understand my cousin's concerns.  she fell in love and married with the first man in her life and even with the time they spent together, their relationship fell apart.  she's had a rough path with only my niece to keep her going and be the better mother she wasn't before. she wants me to have this conversation with my niece because i'm a spinster (haha) and while we don't talk about it, they know that i swing that way.  or they think i do because i hang out with people from the community.  you know, that community.

i love my niece.  i worry about her constantly.  i would like to take care of her, give her guidance and be there for her but i don't think i can replace my cousin.  i don't think i will be such a hot parent.  but i do know i can be a great buddy to her.  especially if she does eventually swing that way.  i mean, it's not easy, this lifestyle, and i have mixed emotions as to what type of choices she might make.  this is not just a fad, after all, and i don't want her to think that she has to be that way just because. i want her to be true to what she is and i want her to be happy with her choices, because they will define her.

it's a big responsibility, i realize, when people look up to you.  i've always been wary of my actions, i've always tried to do what i think is right.  but it's different now, when somebody else is watching and you don't want to be a bad example to them.  you want to be a better version of yourself because you have someone else relying on you and you don't want to let them down.

i don't want to let my niece down.  i want her to be happy.  she will stumble and fall.  she will make mistakes and get hurt.  but i want her to be proud of who she is, and respect others and be happy for whatever. i know i am.

Friday, September 18, 2015

some things should be left hidden

 photo ray-donovan_zpsqotm8mum.jpg

my friend has been telling me to catch the show for a long time and i haven't been able to, seeing i was so obsessed with watching Person of Interest.  over the past weekends, i have been playing catch up to see the show to get to know Ray Donovan and his dysfunctional family.

Ray is a Hollywood "fixer", working for a law firm that represents the rich and famous.  he takes care of his elder brother, Terry, who developed Parkinson's Disease due to being hit in the head several times as a young boxer and his alcoholic sexual anorexic younger brother, Brendan, who like him, got molested by the priest in their community. they have a black half-brother, Darryl, who plays his share of troublemaking.    they all have an estranged relationship with their father, Mickey, played by Jon Voight.

while Ray Donovan has a great story, my main reason for watching is to catch a glimpse of her:

 photo Kate_Moennig1_zps6fq4rxao.jpg

Kate Moennig plays Lena, one of the "investigators" working for Ray.  while she had a very violent past (she still occasionally punches people in the face to put them in their place), Ray believed in her and gave her a job, which is why i love this show.

all the things that happen in the show may or may not really happen in real life, although most celebrities now are very open about their views on life and their sexuality, some still have to put up a facade in front of the bigger crowd so there may really be people like Ray, Avi and Lena in real life, making sure that the skeletons in the closet, bodies buried, stay hidden.  

Thursday, September 03, 2015

these are all the many changes in my life

"Lady, I'm your knight in shining armor and I love you"
when i was twelve, a guy eight years my senior began to show his interest in me.  i didn't think i was pretty.  i still don't.  he used to sing this song to me, along with Changes In My Life, another hit in the 80s.
"I was not so happy, being lonely, living without you"
maybe if i wasn't so eager to have a relationship then, i would've realized that he could've been sued because of his attraction to me.  i was a minor, after all.  i just looked like i couldn't wait to grow up.  if only i knew then.  thankfully, he didn't try to make a pass at me.  he only made secret glances from afar.   the song still brings a smile to my face whenever i hear it, and he is still the first one who comes to mind.

i may have been young then, and infatuated with the idea of love, but i'm glad you respected me, because i was young, and you treated me like a lady.  it all went downhill after that.

Monday, August 24, 2015

angry girl journal 08.24.2015

these thoughts again at this time of the year

 photo 2015-08-24_14.12.421_zpso7kppr8i.png

i think it takes a little bit of courage to admit to feeling this way, and an even braver feat to overcome it.

i fight it everyday.  i'm glad to always win. 

Friday, August 07, 2015

following up, Universe!

come on, Universe! it's twenty days before my birthday and i'm following up.

 photo IMG_304161939676541_zpsa8eupsi5.jpeg

nothing cool ever happens on my birthday so i just end up working; except maybe last year, which almost got ruined because some people just couldn't get over themselves for one day or the year before that when my gorgeous team took me out for lunch.

it turns out, 64, my crush, is an awful singer for a band vocalist, and 65, well, doesn't know i exist.  we do not breathe the same oxygen, apparently.  so i'm shooting even higher! Jared Leto can sing words from the yellow pages and i'd still think it's a symphony!

so how about it? 

Thursday, August 06, 2015

insert inspirational picture here

throwback to when i had longer hair, was 20 lbs lighter and sans the spectacles,  revealing my nose, one of many wonderful results of my parents' union.  during this time, i had quasi-relationships with 5 (not 1, not 2 but . . .) men who were either only interested in my body, my connections, my money or got off messing with my brain.  in short, i was single.  i have been, for the last twelve years.  my choice, not theirs.  

 photo CYMERA_20150806_0611561_zpsbnfuydby.jpg
Exhibit A

some well-meaning citizens have a theory that my singlehood can be attributed to my short hair, obesity and poor eyesight.   I DISAGREE.  unlike most women with long hair and stick figures, i walk faster and with a sense of direction, because they're too busy dragging their vaginas while flipping their goddamn hair.  as occupants of the 8th, 10th and 20th floors of my building can attest,  even with the excess cellulite, i can run around and get things done in my stilettos. i know the difference between "your" and "you're", "there", "their", and "they're"; and my short hair only accentuates my wonderful nose.  so no, i don't believe that is why i am single, as proven by Exhibit A.

i will not dumb down, will not pay for dinners, will not be a doormat,  will not be a damsel in distress, will not be someone's paramour, just so i can have what others call a "normal relationship" when all it is is mediocre.  i won't change for anybody but me. i'm too old and impatient to try to change for someone else. we all know that trying to be someone else doesn't end well and doesn't make anyone happy. i refuse to settle just for the sake of, even if it means being alone until the day my neighbors discover my dead body. 

As Amanda Jones (Some Kind Of Wonderful) had said:
"Between being someone for the wrong reasons, and being alone for the right reasons, I'd rather be right."

Saturday, July 25, 2015

angry girl journal 07.25.2015

while i don't think i'm THAT intelligent, i've done too many wrongs to be with someone just for the sake of having a relationship.

i know i deserve better than that to settle for anything less.

 photo women high IQ_zpsctssgse5.jpg

i got into this conversation with a lady who was as old as me who was also single.  she said i should lose weight, wear contacts and grow my hair long.  so i can finally have a relationship.

okay . . .

when i was younger, i thought "normal" was the way to go.  you follow what your parents want for you, even if you don't really want to do it, even if you can't, you kill yourself to be that person because that's what's normal.  you do what everybody else was doing.  you conform, you get a guy, you marry him, cook for him and wash his clothes and stay miserable even if he cheats on you and beats you up.  hell, i cheated on M, then the love of my life, with a guy i didn't even like that much, because i wanted to conform to what's normal.

i could probably be alone for the rest of my life, and  while i have some difficulty accepting that considering there are so many horrible people in this world and they have somebody who loves them,  i can live with it.  i will live with it, instead of having to force it with someone who doesn't think i'm worth it. i don't want to do that anymore.

i mean, look at this way:  if you went ahead and said to me that you liked me and you thought you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me, no matter how much i wanted to be with you, i'd still be skeptical and ask, "why?"  i know, that question is always, would i go out with me?  what would i have to offer you?  maybe i do, maybe i don't.  i'm scared to open the door, break down my walls, because, i don't think i can afford to lose anymore of what's left of me.

so dear lady, let me ask you:  why are YOU still single?  who died and gave YOU the license to judge me and my radical beliefs about relationships?  sure, after all this, it might even be YOU who finds someone because i'm too "intimidating", too weird for people.  but then worse things have happened in the world.

Thursday, July 16, 2015

birthday plea to the universe

about a year ago, i made a request to the universe to have Jared Leto sing me Maligayang Bati while playing guitar for my birthday. a girl can dream, right?

this year, i'm putting it out there again, along with the other yearnings of my heart, mind, body, and soul, since we cannot get 64 (my crush), or 65 (the one i want to grow old with), to sing it for me. so how about it, Jared?

 photo Jared Leto_zpsbov2xa54.jpg

Friday, July 03, 2015

imaginary conversations with you, about you

you have been crossing my mind lately, but like him, you are a dream.  something that will never ever happen to me, but puts a smile on my face when i think about it.  we all have our fantasies, to keep us distracted when life gets too stressful.  it can be healthy.

K:  (referring to A) so did he meet the age requirement?

Bels: who what? no! i mean, he probably does.  i don't know, we're not.

K: i can see the way he looks at you.  i can tell.

B: you can tell that he meets the age requirement?

K: (a little irritated now) i can tell he likes you.  maybe even more than like -

B: you can tell that from his age?

K: wag ka nga! i know you like him, too.  you liked me too, you just have this stupid rule!

B:  well, it's not a stupid rule. i liked YOU too, i still like you and you know perfectly well why i don't like you the way you want me to.

K: and why is that?

B: because you're already in a perfect relationship, a great relationship and i'm . . . i don't do that.

K:  do what?

B:  i don't ruin relationships. the way he is also in a relationship.  he and i, we're just friends

K: hindi ako naniniwala na friends lang kayo

B: yes! he and i are just friends, you are my friend. you are all my friends because i am a very friendly person.

K: so na-try na rin niyang maging "friend" mo?

B: i'm not answering that . . .

K: i don't understand you

B: then understand a person who's been hurt so many times that she's built a wall around herself and won't let anyone in.  understand that she's been through so many bad things that she can't see a good thing even when it's right in front of her

K: you're going to miss out on a lot . . .

B:  believe me, i know

A: hey, what's up, K?

K:  eto, inaasar ko lang si bels.  pikon eh hehehe

A: oo, pikon talaga yan

B:  mas pikon ka kaya.

K:  sige, p're.  dun muna ko (leaves)

A: ano yun?

B: he asked if you and i were sleeping together.

A: ano'ng sinagot mo?

B:  sabi ko friends tayo

A:  why did you tell him we were just friends?

B:  because i don't know what we are other than that (with matching walk out)

A:  hey, hey, hey, i thought you said you didn't believe in labels?  you were the one who didn't want a definition to what this is - 

B:  i did.  that's why we're putting a lid on it because i don't want to talk about it anymore. 

A: did he try to be "friends" with you?

B: no

A:  no, you didn't sleep together or no, you did but you just don't want to tell me?

B: no, as in, no.  i won't answer that.  what is it to you anyway? 

A:  huuy, okay ka lang ba?  okay ba tayo?

B:  okay lang tayo, anuber?  

A:  kasi pwede naman nating i-define, ikaw lang eh

B:  we're not having that conversation. 

A:  will we ever? (your turn to walk out)

we can turn this into an indie film, starring you and some girl.  i think we can talk about you and me in it.  how you and i could be together, the unlikely couple that we are.  how i never want to believe it could possibly happen to me because so many things have already happened that made me feel like i don't deserve to be loved, especially by someone like you, but that you found me anyway, and we're together.

that'll be the day.

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

angry girl journal 06.30.2015: nothing ruins friendship like a trust broken

as people who care about me know, i am very stubborn.  i have a good work ethic, i seem to be nice person but there are things i do on occasion that are bound to irritate people.

i'm quite liberated, and i will try anything once.  of course, age has tempered me.  there are certain things i did before which i don't see myself doing now.  but if and when i did, i still would follow the rules in my head, as far as sleeping around is concerned, namely:

1.  no shitting in the backyard;
2.  no fooling around with married people;
3.  no sex without commitment with the same person three times.*

kept me alive.  kept me sane.  of course, sometimes it doesn't work as effectively as i wanted it, but i survived.  no matter how much you protect yourself, you don't always come out unscathed and i have got the scars to prove it.

and while we are on the subject, here are my rules for betraying your friends, in favor of sex, money, fame, promotion, etc.:

1. when you're doing the right thing.  you can only "betray" your friends if despite sound advice, they choose to do something wrong i. e. a conflict of interest, commiting a crime or doing something evil,  and the reward of sex, money, or fame is just incidental.  if your friend is wrong and you've already warned your friend against doing a bad thing, but still they chose to do it, you do the right thing.  i know i would.  why would you want to make friends with bad people anyway? you are better off with people who have good heads above their shoulders.

2.  only if you're sure you'll get it.  if you're not sure, why would you risk your friendship (or even family) for something as shallow and superficial as that.  of course, when you get it, do expect that you woud lose a friend or two, right?  you can't throw your friends under the bus for superficial things and expect to still be friends with them after when you're not successful. that's the price you pay when you trade your friends on the way up. you get a new set of friends since you have the money or the fame to buy new ones.  just don't expect them to be true to you.  after all, you're not.

oh and say you're not successful.  you didn't get laid, you didn't get the money, you didn't get promoted, so you want your friends to comfort you, be humble enough to admit that you were wrong.  you can't stab your friends in the back and expect things to go back the way they were. it doesn't work that way.  even when they forgive you, they know now what your priorities are.  they know the first chance you get, you will sell them out for sex, money, fame.

friends and family, they will diss you, criticize you, but they always mean well.  delivery may be imperfect and hurtful, but only those really close to us, true to us, will tell you the truth that most people won't give us.  they have a license to diss us, but if anybody else says something bad against your friend, you protect your friend.  when in doubt regarding protection, refer to rule #1.

oh, and let's make it clear, we mean "sex", not love. friends fight over love, but the real friends, they get over it, if you choose love over friendship.  sometimes they get over it when you choose to get laid over friendship. how many times have i been ditched because of booty and vice versa? normally, when it's love for you but it's just ass for your friend, then the conflict starts.  it all depends on how strong your friendship is and how bad you want or need to get laid. sometimes your friends will even pimp you to get yourself some.  it's a judgment call. and lastly,

3.  you don't.  YOU JUST DON'T.  PERIOD.

*in addition to those rules, one that i learned from Bones, on dating younger guys:  date only those men whose age is half my age plus eight years

Saturday, June 27, 2015

starstruck serial killer in your movie premiere

i had the privilege of being invited to the gala premiere of this promising young actor's movie. when he saw me, he welcomed me like we've been friends for quite some time. he even took this selfie. you could say i was starstruck.  i have so much respect for him because despite his pedigree, his talent, he is also a simple person like myself.  with better looking legs.

he had me at, "Kenbong Nawahu uu*."

 photo khino1_zpsaxhpwnlx.jpg

two nights ago, i introduced myself to this guy and asked if i could take this picture. i also assured him i wasn't a serial killer.

tonight i saw another indie film and he, along with his companions, sat right next to me. he was pretty down-to-earth and sweet. he even asked me if i smoked so i can join them. instead of asking for another photo opportunity,  i am posting this.  while it was brief, it was a very interesting conversation and asking for another selfie would ruin it.

 photo kiko1_zpszct5bnqo.jpg

it's just too bad these indie films come and go without us knowing about them, so gorgeous and talented guys like these young men fall under the radar. hopefully now, i won't miss them and i can support them when i can.  i still have loads of leave credits.

*"I love you" in T'boli

Friday, June 26, 2015

angry girl journal 06.26.2015

only you can make feel like a high school girl again.  all giddy from seeing you, talking to you.  then your endless mindfucking gets to me.  you hit me with something and i just keep deflecting.  it is always difficult with you.  simple conversations become banter then arguments in one swift blow.  and i don't have time for this . . . mindfucking.  you either want me or you don't.  it can't be both.  do you do these things to get my attention? don't you have everybody else's already?  i don't even exist to you.

you HAVE my full attention.  you just have to let me know what you really want.  otherwise, fuck off.  i don't have time to play coyote and road runner.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

english brat 06.23.2015

you'd be surprised to know that we didn't speak any english at home growing up.

wait, what i am talking about? who's "we"?  i'm an only child!

i don't really like being told, "we took care of you growing up so you should help us now".  that's exactly why i DON'T want to help: you didn't teach me anything. you gave me a couple of bruises.  not intentionally, i know.  but just because we're related by blood, even if you didn't really help create the human being (or the monster) i've become, i'm supposed to give you money?  now, just because my mother was a wonderful human being who liked to help people who are so dependent they can't clean their own asses, it doesn't mean that i should too.  it doesn't work that way.

i can't even fix my own life and you have been so bad at this longer before i have been alive so you'd think you would know better than to ask me for help, right?

i don't like people who think i have an obligation to help them out because they think my life is considerably better off than theirs or just because i have gainful employment and they don't.  it's just like saying it's my fault i studied all those years and stayed away from a social life because it was fun.  it's my fault i worked hard to enjoy the little comforts i have now.  IT'S NOT.

i was raised not to rely on anyone, not to compete with anyone but myself, to work hard to get the things i want, not to rely on the charity of others.  damnit, i had to work for my father's acceptance and affection.

so if i speak really well in english, it's not because as my caretakers growing up, you spoke to me in english.  well, you did try to speak to me in english, but only because you wanted to train me to join beauty pageants.  i speak english well because of watching countless tv shows before they started dubbing them in Filipino. yeah, i am that brat, no thanks to you. so don't go asking for my hard-earned money, using guilt with me in order for me to help you out because it's about time you all grew a spine and started working instead of just waiting for people to give you charity.

seriously, can you please tell me why again i am the first person people go to when they need money? don't i have bills to pay too? oh, and are we even close?  people who cannot help you should not be giving you problems either.

Monday, June 15, 2015

because red is for passion

subtitles are a girl's best friend.

 photo dreamweaver_zpsbcrx35gu.jpg

i just finished watching K'na The Dreamweaver, one of the movies from last year's Cinemalaya.  i missed it last year, since there were limited venues, plus i work at night and sleep in the daytime.  which is why i made it a point to see the scheduled screening of this wonderful yet poignant movie. it's what happens if Juliet had to choose between Romeo and saving their village.

many years ago (or once upon a time - take your pick), the north and south lived in peace.  they hold special among them the dreamweavers:  women who can weave patterns from their dreams.  they are the chosen ones, and more often than not, become betrothed to the chieftain of the land.  Hanyas, the dreamweaver of the land however, did not wish to be the chieftain's fifth wife.  she was already in love with someone else.  on the eve of her wedding, she and her lover eloped so the chieftain banished Hanyas' family and they had to move to the south.  they have been in war since.

forward several years later, K'na (portrayed magnificently by Mara Lopez), daughter of the chieftain, is being groomed by her grandmother Bey Lamfey to be the next dreamweaver.  her childhood best friend, Silaw (played wonderfully by RK Bagatsing.  the perfect gentleman, i cannot imagine anyone who wouldn't want to bring him home), is the supplier of the precious fiber that Grandma weaves. every night, Silaw ties fibers by K'na's window as a sign of his love.  you don't see that anymore these days and you have to admire his persistence even after she had left.   she reciprocates by braiding them to her hair.  her subtle way of showing him her affection.

K'na had to make a choice and she chose to be with Kagis (not because Alex Vincent Medina, the guy who plays Kagis, is hot - in another world, the sequel to his movie would be Palitan), not only to stop the war between the north and the south, but because in the midst of the chaos, as Silaw tried to find her, Kagis saved Silaw's life. she is choosing a life of unhappiness with Kagis as payment for Silaw's life.  Silaw kept waiting for her to come back, but she had already started a family with Kagis, as a dutiful wife and dreamweaver would, until nothing more was ever heard of him.  but he left souvenirs for K'na so that every time she would look to the south, she would know of Silaw's love and that he would be there when she came back.

"I will always know where to find you."

- Silaw, K'na, The Dreamweaver

the end.

i was so smitten by this film.  nobody does courtship like that anymore.  it made me feel giddy watching it.  then it made me sad.  because nobody loves like that anymore either.

they had me at, "Kenbong Nawahu uu."

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Dido said it best

the song White Flag by Dido came out weeks after my breakup with M.  it wasn't exactly the best of times.  we were graduating from law school and preparing to perform our last show with the official law school band whom we fondly called our children.  it was awkward for everyone.

i suddenly remembered the song following the last few of episodes of season 10 of Bones.  i was really fascinated by David Boreanaz, from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, to Angel and now, Bones.  he played Dido's ex-boyfriend in the video.

White Flag

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you, 
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it 
where's the sense in that? 

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder 
Or return to where we were 

I will go down with this ship 
And I won't put my hands up and surrender 
There will be no white flag above my door 
I'm in love and always will be 

I know I left too much mess and 
destruction to come back again 
And I caused nothing but trouble 
I understand if you can't talk to me again 
And if you live by the rules of "it's over" 
then I'm sure that that makes sense 

I will go down with this ship 
And I won't put my hands up and surrender 
There will be no white flag above my door 
I'm in love and always will be 

And when we meet 
Which I'm sure we will 
All that was there
Will be there still 
I'll let it pass 
And hold my tongue 
And you will think 
That I've moved on.... 

I will go down with this ship 
And I won't put my hands up and surrender 
There will be no white flag above my door 
I'm in love and always will be 

I will go down with this ship 
And I won't put my hands up and surrender 
There will be no white flag above my door 
I'm in love and always will be 

I will go down with this ship 
And I won't put my hands up and surrender 
There will be no white flag above my door 
I'm in love and always will be

in the video, Dido and David are both celebrities who just recently broke up and are just still trying to adjust to it.  their paths often cross because of the industry they are both in and there is often an awkward silence between them when among friends.  throughout the song it would appear that of the two of them, it was Dido that still loved David, as he is already seen dating someone else.  how peculiar is it that even though apart, they live right next to each other.  by the end of the video we know that it is not just Dido.  David obviously still loves her but both are afraid to say anything.

i am obviously over M and this is definitely not why i remember the song.  it makes me tear up because despite all the things i have been through and my walls constantly being up, i still very much believe that i will find love. sure, i often say i don't anymore and i have lost all hope that i will ever do.  but there's that small spark within me, the Dido, if you will call it, that believes, that hopes, that i will eventually find love.  

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

the reason i stopped seeing Bones

i think i have stated here several times how much i love the show Bones.

i stopped seeing the show for a while, because my neighbor cut their cable connection.  and it reminded me of that person.  for a long time, i have associated my "partnership" (parasitism is a more apt description of the relationship) with him to the show although to state that there were parallels between us and the partnership between Bones and Booth was reaching.

i thought he and i had something.  i knew he wasn't in love with me, but i honestly thought he cared and that our friendship mattered.  sadly, it didn't and he only cared about himself and whatever it was he could take away from being associated with me.  i had his back.  but no one had mine, so of course, seeing Bones gave me a heartbreak.

i love the show.  i love the way the characters have been so wonderfully written and i truly admire the hard work that the people on the show have put into bringing it to us.   it doesn't stop me from hoping, though.  i will meet him one day.  or her.  i believe that i will eventually find my Booth.

and i will eventually catch up to the next season of Bones.  

Friday, June 05, 2015

of serial killers and blood donations

i suddenly remember Dexter. i used to watch it every week until my neighbor switched cable providers. probably because i donated blood today. i really loved that show.

 photo dexter_zpsba7x81sj.jpg

Dexter focuses on the life of a blood spatter pattern analyst working for the fictional Miami Metro Police Department.  he leads the secret life of serial killer, hunting down murderers who have slipped through the cracks of the justice system.  his adoptive father, Harry Morgan, knew early on that he had homicidal tendencies and taught him to follow a code, a constructive way to channel his gruesome passion for human dissection. i thought it was a brilliant series.  he was a monster, there was no doubt about it; but because he only killed people who under Harry's code "deserved to die", you wanted so much to root for him.  despite all the blood in his hands, you thought he was a hero. i know i did.

yes, i thought of the show because of the blood-letting activity at work.

 photo bloodbels_zpss9tswx2i.jpg

the last time i donated blood was three years ago, having been rejected in 2013 because of the tattoo i just got and last year because i just had my period.  so you can understand how excited i was to donate this year.  i haven't had any tattoos, i finished my period much earlier than the activity.  there was no way in hell they could stop me from donating blood.  i really feel strongly about it, not having done much for my community in a while, so this one i really looked forward to.

i don't do much, and when i do, i don't really have the habit of letting other people know, but this one i feel strongly about promoting.  we all take part in helping save another person's life, no matter how small the contribution, we have a responsibility to ourselves, to this earth to do our part.

so do yours.

Saturday, May 30, 2015

Criminal Minds: loving and knowing before seeing

today i had the opportunity to watch Zugzwang again.  it is the episode where Dr. Spencer Reid's girlfriend gets kidnapped and subsequently killed by her stalker.

 photo ZUGZWANG_zpsncqsipi2.jpg

after experiencing headaches, Dr. Spencer Reid got in touch with a geneticist, Maeve, who became his phone pal.  they would talk on the phone every Sunday about science, life, books and everything under the sun.  they have never met in person because she has a stalker on the loose who wants to kill her the minute she resurfaces.

in one of their phone conversations, Maeve inadvertently says "I love you" as they say goodbye but Spencer does not say it back. he had wanted to say these words when they finally met.  however, when they plan to meet in person, they don't.  Spencer arrives first but warns Maeve not to go in as her stalker might be in the restaurant.  she leaves but not after dropping off the book she got for him (which he also got for her) with her message:

"Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone - we find it with another."
- Thomas Merton

bothered by dreams after that almost first meeting, Spencer calls her again, their Sunday afternoon ritual, only to receive a collect call from Adam Worth.  he sees the connection, figures out that the stalker has finally caught up with Maeve and he immediately contacts Hodge.  the rest of the team all agree to work on their personal time as they still do not know if they have an actual case to help Reid find Maeve.

going through the investigation they find that Maeve is indeed missing and that she used to have a fiance, the man who was watching Spencer in the restaurant.  but he is not the stalker.  the stalker is one of the junior interns whose thesis Maeve rejected. who became Maeve's ex-fiancee's new girlfriend, Diane.  truly, this is the ultimate if-i-can't-have-my-life-i-will-do-everything-in-my-power-to-ruin-your-life-until-it-becomes-mine revenge.

Spencer offers Diane a deal, which she takes, only she cannot have him the way she wants.  he is able to convince Diane that he chooses her over Maeve and that Maeve should be allowed to live in order to accept her irrelevancy. he even tells Maeve he doesn't love her and she "understands".  when Diane kisses Reid she knows he's not telling her the truth.  and we hear from Thomas Merton again, as this is the only thing she cannot take from Spencer and Maeve. so she takes her own life.  and Maeve's.

i admire people who have faith, who can love without reservation and defy the odds even death.  it's just too sad that all love stories are tragic, the ones that never came to be.  as such is the story of Spencer and Maeve.  

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Edna: i would have killed them all

if Ronnie Lazaro wanted viewers getting out of the theater thinking after seeing Edna, he had succeeded.  i was so bothered and depressed, i wanted to watch Pitch Perfect 2 again.

 photo ednafilm_zpslzsjnwmy.jpg

Edna marks the directorial film debut of Ronnie Lazaro.  the movie sums up all of the sob stories in an hour and a half and shows us the effects being away from one's family to work abroad from the perspective of the OFW.  what if they come back and the family isn't how they left them? what if the family is so changed and so used to their OFW family member's absence that she is reduced to being a cash cow?  what if she changed herself?  what if she has become so scarred, a totally different person than the one they knew?

Edna embodies all of that.  it's like she went home just in time for Christmas to Sodom and Gomorrah.  not only did they not live up to what they promised they would do if she sent them the money, but they were changed completely.  they were a bunch of monsters. her sister-in-law was sleeping with the town priest and was beating up Edna's youngest son because the child knew about the affair.  her eldest son didn't become a doctor.  he and his wife used the money for the youngest son's hospital bills to fund their mahjong ring at home.  her middle child was using her law school money to finance her married boyfriend.  could it get any worse?  yes, it got way worse when her husband was sleeping with her godson. i don't have anything against gay men falling in love despite the age gap, but when you cheat on your hardworking wife and you threaten separation just so you can drain her of all her finances, you've crossed a line.  i was never a fan of people benefiting from the hard work of others.

when you think about it, each and every one of the actors did a great portrayal of their characters because by the end of the movie, i would've wanted to kill them all, even before Edna decided rat poison was the cure for her ailing heart. Ronnie Lazaro knew what his actors were capable of doing and he was able to extract it out of each and every one of them.   Kiko Matos was hot but really irritating, Nicco Manalo, normally a really sweet boy (at least, that's how i see him) was very selfish and i really wanted to shove all those pairs of sneakers in his mouth.  Sue Prado (yes, if Barber's Tales had a sequel, this would be it LOL) was also very good, and pretty much underrated.  there's more to her than the ditsy roles i see her play.  Irma Adlawan, of course, is an amazing actress.  you could really feel her struggle, her pain, her anguish.  she couldn't see past the family she left until that last straw and even then, she still wanted to fight, if only for her youngest son.

an alternate ending for me would be to have her kill them all and then escape with her youngest son abroad and then the next movie would be Transit.