Tuesday, November 11, 2014

angry girl journal 11.11.2014

when i was younger, my classmates wrote a blind item about me in Journalism class.  it made mention of how "friendly" i was, particularly with the boys.  i wasn't sleeping with them, or anything, i just happened to be really close to them.  besides, i had a boyfriend i made out with at home. i was just like one of the boys.  you could say i was a flirt.  sort of.  well, at least, i wasn't a hypocrite about everything.  some girls in that class opened their legs much earlier than i did.

i used to get offended being called a flirt.  now, i embrace it.  it takes a certain amount of sensuality and wit to become one.  men get erections and women get wet when i use my tongue.  when i use words, i mean.

***

i used to measure my self-worth based on the approval i got from other people.  i also  thought that if guys liked me, then i was pretty.  i didn't really care that i was smart.  i knew i was smarter than most of them, that's why i didn't really work too hard.  that, and we didn't have a maid.  i had to "work" for my education, unlike some people.  all they had to do was study.  they didn't have to worry about anything else.  they weren't hounded constantly about how hard it was to feed them and put them through school.  anyway, i digress.  i progressed to i-don't-care-about-what-other-people-think-but-at-the-back-of-my-head-i-really-did-even-just-a-little-bit because at some point we all do.  we all want to be cool that way.  that, and while i wanted, strived to be different, i had a father who beat me up if i didn't conform.  well, he would torture me with harsh words first.  when i got immune to the words, he used his fists.  he never spared the rod.  it has its advantages.  it was just an awkward age because you don't want to be scolded and spanked in public (or have to hide the bruises) just because your father wanted to prove a point and your mother was too scared of him to protect you even when he was wrong.

now, i just want people to leave me alone. now, i truly don't give a fuck for as long as i know i'm right and i'm not hurting anyone.  those hits in the head DID give me an idea of right from wrong.  i don't need a man/woman to affirm my self-worth.   i know what i'm worth because i worked hard to be what i am worth.  people respect me because i respect them.  i earned it.

it took me a while before i got to be this cool and not be arrogant about it.  i'm still not perfect, i don't know everything.  but i am honest about these imperfections.  and while i'm not for everyone, i know i am happy with who i am and what God gave me.  i don't need anybody to agree with me to be fulfilled.

yes, that's also why i'm alone.  i don't have the patience to nurse other people's insecurities.