Saturday, November 29, 2014

i kissed a girl and i liked it.

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i think i mentioned here before that my first kiss was a girl.  i was seven years old. i didn't particularly like it, i didn't understand how it went back then (i still don't now. lol) but i wasn't disgusted by it either.  i found that i liked kissing, man or woman, it wasn't an issue. i also found it pleasurable when they kissed back.

come to think of it, i learned a lot of things a seven year-old shouldn't be doing.

one Sunday afternoon, many, many Christmasses ago, while our fathers were catching up over a few bottles of beer and a game of chess, we were playing house.  it's hard to imagine who taught her or how she knew what to do.  we were both seven.  i was supposed to play the guy parts when she was the one pulling my shorts down and sticking her tongue in my mouth.  years later, she was the well-adjusted one with the husband and kids while i'm the one who's messed up.  i mean, i think i turned out okay.  i really did.  just not the okay in your old school conservative sense, i guess.

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playing the harmonica is like kissing a lover.  you cannot do it when you're angry.

like Anita (in the movie, because my mother's name is also Anita.  she almost named me Antoinette, remember?), my parents had to wait for me for a while, before i would come in to this world.  it was a story that always came up when they would get angry with me for being so indolent.  unlike Anita though,  i never had any problems being dressed up as a girl.  what i wore didn't matter at that time.  i was a very boyish girl, but i liked wearing dresses (i still do now) and skirts.  i wish i had a lot more.  i grew up wishing for a lot of things i didn't have.

anyway, i digress.  i actually didn't want to have my hair cut short but my father always thought that if i had long hair, guys would court me and i'd get married early (look at me NOW, Dad.  HMP.)  in my teens, if i took longer than five minutes on the phone with someone, even if it was for school, he'd cut the hair himself.  i grew up wanting a lot of the traditional girly things not necessarily because i liked them.  i wanted them to have them because everybody else did.  i didn't rejoice in my being different then.  i wanted to belong.

i know, i know.  i had to commit a lot of great mistakes to be this cool.

Ang Huling Cha-Cha ni Anita is wonderful because i sure could've used a movie like this growing up to explain what i felt towards the same and opposite sex.  at least now if kids today saw it, and they felt differently like Anita, they wouldn't be so awkward.  or feel so alone.  lastly, more than anything, in real life, relationships like these don't always end up in happily ever after, so the viewer is able to freely determine the outcome in their head and make believe it did.  i like to believe we live in a world where a lady can decide what she wants to become in life and be respected for it, whether it's a choice she makes in terms of how she looks, how she she lives her life, who she wants to be with,  if she chooses to work or be a housewife, if she will have children or not, if she will marry or not.  she shouldn't be made to feel "abnormal" for making the choices that she feels are good for her.  no one should be allowed to judge her, make her feel sorry  she did what she had to do.  that's the ending of the movie for me.

Thursday, November 27, 2014

angry girl journal 11.27.2014

i've been getting really sick (kidney, viral infection, high blood pressure) these past few days.  i'm fortunate in the sense that there's not much to do at work right now so it's relatively okay to be using up those sick leaves for check-ups and lab work.  it's just that staying at home just makes me realize how much i don't want to stay there anymore.  it's too far from everything else, i no longer feel safe there, not too mention, the house is a reminder of all the years i've been hurt.

and just like that, an Eddie Vedder song whose title i can't remember starts playing.  i'm tired.  i'm just so tired.  i want to go back to work.  being stuck at home reminds me how alone i really am.  

Sunday, November 16, 2014

love is like a shotgun

among the Cinema One original movies, there was only one movie that caught my eye:  Lorna.

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Lorna is the story of a single mother in her early 60s.  she had a son by her first boyfriend who, after migrating to the US, found someone else and asked that person to marry him.  she has a foreigner boyfriend whom she met online but on the day she expects him to arrive, he is a no-show.  several men charm her but they all seem to disappoint, save for her former high school classmate, Rocky. it seems that seeing him again has unearthed old feelings as they had some unfinished business.  Rocky could be the one but . . .

much of my enthusiasm for this film has to do with the remarkable acting talent of Miss Shamaine Centenera Buencamino. that, and the trailer had a lot of guns involved.  of course, there is no actual killing in the film, but that is how love feels like when it fails, right?  a shot in the heart?

can i just say that Lorna has presented to us the most truthful sex scene ever to be shown in Filipino movies? making love with someone is a very beautiful and very emotional experience.  it is real and true and it takes a lot out of you. movies and television have portrayed love scenes to be clean and organized.  i know these things are well-choreographed but the real thing (from memory, it's been a while) is messy and outrageously spontaneous, sometimes even rough.

i appreciated the story because it gives me an idea where i'm headed.  while i'm not really looking for someone, i can understand how most men can see older single women as desperate.  they can be very condescending to think that women would rush to the first warm body that comes near them.  what assholes.  i'm not.  it can be lonely sometimes but it doesn't mean that i will give up my beliefs just so i can be attached.  i've already waited for so long, i might as well get what i want.  and what i want is not to settle.

Lorna is a very strong woman who just needs to be loved, just like i am.  i mean, i'd like to think i am strong.  we've both been hurt before so all defenses are up until the most deserving one (not necessarily the right one) comes along and we can slowly break down our walls.  i always keep in mind that line from Some Kind of Wonderful:

"Between being with someone for the wrong reasons and being alone for the right reasons, I'd rather be right."

Friday, November 14, 2014

first love never dies

tickets for Cinemalaya were sold out before i even got to them so i was thankful that i got to see 1st ko si 3rd during its limited commercial run.

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back in the 80s, there was this show on IBC13 called Chicks to Chicks, which starred Nova Villa and Freddie Webb.  i watched it every Wednesdays.  the childless couple ran a modelling agency and their models, played by Carmi Martin, Lorraine Schuck, the late Maria Theresa Carlson (the Bb. Pilipinas winner who rose to fame with her really bad tagalog) would walk around the house in their underwear.  Nova would suspect Freddie was cheating on her, but it turns out the bad idea for the week was schemed by her brother Chito Arceo. whenever someone would bring up the word, "anak", Nova would cry and wail because they didn't have any.  at the end of each episode, Freddie would reassure her of their undying love and ask her to get ready so they could "shower" together.

that is why i wanted to see 1st ko si 3rd.

the movie begins with Corazon preparing to go to work.  it is her last day as she is retiring from her government job.  she is awakened from a dream where she is walking by the meadows with her first boyfriend, Third.  her husband, Alejandro, who retired a few years earlier, works on their old car so that he can take her to places she's always wanted to go since they have a lot of time on their hands.  Third comes back years later to their old town, inviting everyone for a get-together and it causes some major anxiety for Cory since she never got over him.  then we would see flashbacks of their high school love story (their younger versions do not resemble them one bit, by the way), why they broke up and how Cory ended up with Alejandro.

Cory is in dilemma:  we find out that Cory has been writing to Third all these years, letters she never sent.  she never got over Third.  he would always be the one true love that got away.  Third offers her, in their coffee date (where both of them have iced tea), to live in the US, with this kids.  he tells her he's been divorced for a long time because people don't have to stay together when things don't work out.  this happens the same time Alejandro finally fixes the old car and takes her for a ride.  he tells her that just because things are old, you don't throw them away.  he also reminds her that they don't have much time left together and he just wants her to be happy.

maybe there is no one great true love.  maybe once you have it, it's not what you thought it to be.  or maybe, people stay with the one they are with because they think they don't have any other choice.  remember the time when there was so much pressure from your parents to settle down and there was a mad dash to get married?

i thought this was a good movie.  it wasn't as hilarious as Chicks to Chicks, but it reminded me about how funny it was.  it also reminded me how life is short and how you should never let time pass by without telling the people you care about how much you love them.  it tells us to be brave.  or else, we will end up with regret like Cory.  

one hundred fifty over one hundred

my family has a history of breast cancer, kidney stones and diabetes.

so how on God's great earth am i borderline hypertensive?

i quit smoking, i haven't been drinking, i'm exercising, eating fruits and vegetables (which is not cheap, by the way.  explains why so many people prefer junk food), drinking tons of water and sleeping six to seven hours every day now, as opposed to the three hours on average that i used to get.  not to mention, i just finished a project, which means i have no reason to be stressed out.  can someone explain to me like i'm a four-year old WHY this is happening???

the explanation they gave to me, was that i was in pain - literally or figuratively? i've been trying to get someone to check my kidneys for a while and it doesn't make sense to me to be taking pain relievers when i'm not feeling any pain.  i don't want to be dependent on pain killers.  only addicts do that.  last i checked, i'm a workaholic.  and i've already explained that i'm not facing a huge amount of stress right now.

so what could be wrong?

***

i dreamt about you.   i dreamt about you talking to me because yours was the last voice i heard before going to bed.  sadly, it was just a dream.  i will never get any chance in hell like that with you.  you're too important and i am shit.  

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Yolanda, the politician on the magazine cover and my cake

Esquire Philippines has been getting a lot of negative energy because of the cover choice but i went ahead and bought it anyway as i am a big fan of its writers Gang Badoy and Lourd De Veyra and its editor-in-chief, Erwin Romulo.

the politician on the cover symbolizes the government's response (or the lack thereof, your choice) to the Yolanda victims. a year after the tragedy, we are still disgusted, maybe because of our own indifference or tendency to forget. there's still a lot that needs to be done. the people of Tacloban still need our help.

by the way, that chocolate crepe cake is delicious.

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angry girl journal 11.11.2014

when i was younger, my classmates wrote a blind item about me in Journalism class.  it made mention of how "friendly" i was, particularly with the boys.  i wasn't sleeping with them, or anything, i just happened to be really close to them.  besides, i had a boyfriend i made out with at home. i was just like one of the boys.  you could say i was a flirt.  sort of.  well, at least, i wasn't a hypocrite about everything.  some girls in that class opened their legs much earlier than i did.

i used to get offended being called a flirt.  now, i embrace it.  it takes a certain amount of sensuality and wit to become one.  men get erections and women get wet when i use my tongue.  when i use words, i mean.

***

i used to measure my self-worth based on the approval i got from other people.  i also  thought that if guys liked me, then i was pretty.  i didn't really care that i was smart.  i knew i was smarter than most of them, that's why i didn't really work too hard.  that, and we didn't have a maid.  i had to "work" for my education, unlike some people.  all they had to do was study.  they didn't have to worry about anything else.  they weren't hounded constantly about how hard it was to feed them and put them through school.  anyway, i digress.  i progressed to i-don't-care-about-what-other-people-think-but-at-the-back-of-my-head-i-really-did-even-just-a-little-bit because at some point we all do.  we all want to be cool that way.  that, and while i wanted, strived to be different, i had a father who beat me up if i didn't conform.  well, he would torture me with harsh words first.  when i got immune to the words, he used his fists.  he never spared the rod.  it has its advantages.  it was just an awkward age because you don't want to be scolded and spanked in public (or have to hide the bruises) just because your father wanted to prove a point and your mother was too scared of him to protect you even when he was wrong.

now, i just want people to leave me alone. now, i truly don't give a fuck for as long as i know i'm right and i'm not hurting anyone.  those hits in the head DID give me an idea of right from wrong.  i don't need a man/woman to affirm my self-worth.   i know what i'm worth because i worked hard to be what i am worth.  people respect me because i respect them.  i earned it.

it took me a while before i got to be this cool and not be arrogant about it.  i'm still not perfect, i don't know everything.  but i am honest about these imperfections.  and while i'm not for everyone, i know i am happy with who i am and what God gave me.  i don't need anybody to agree with me to be fulfilled.

yes, that's also why i'm alone.  i don't have the patience to nurse other people's insecurities.

Friday, November 07, 2014

all things bright and beautiful

it's like He put a flourescent lamp in the middle of the sky. so bright and so beautiful.

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