Sunday, October 05, 2014

from the outside looking in

hey there. 

i'm not sure if you remember me or if this is still your email address but i find myself writing to you again anyway.  i had meant to write you sooner, like a year ago sooner, right after i saw you and a friend (more like crashed your dinner for a photo op) last year but life got in the way.  i was moving to a new role, i was trying to sort of get over the "break up" with my pseudo-boyfriend, it was a mess.  in short, life got in the way.  i really wanted to apologize for bringing up your ex and asking about her. i didn't know and i'm sorry i did.  i honestly didn't know what happened.  i know it's none of my business or my fault for asking but it didn't really help that i did.  after i crashed your dinner.

i really felt that apology was overdue when i read what you wrote.  i felt your pain.  and then i wondered what happened.  she was your best friend and you loved her so much.  i know i wasn't exactly that close to you - we only hung out a few times.  well, i tagged along wherever you were like a really bad stalker on a Friday night, just looking to see where you would go and who you would meet after work (no wonder, i didn't become a lawyer) and you were someone i thought i'd share things with, thoughts i couldn't share with anyone.  i know i could share them with someone else but i felt safe sharing them with you.    i was comfortable around you, confiding in you.  you had a total of three readers then, you said, although i was pretty sure apart from your family and your then wife, you had friends who were interested about the latest book, movie, or album you were into. i felt like you were that someone who would always be there, every Friday at least.  the column, the radio show.  someone who wouldn't let me down.  i know for sure you have more than three readers now.  i couldn't listen to the radio all the time.  i was in the night shift.  i still am.  anyway, i digress. point is, i didn't have to be your friend-friend to know how much you loved her.  i felt bad that that trip to that place was hard for you, because you also remembered your other friend.  whom i didn't know.  i won't pretend to know your pain, but i am sorry for your loss.  i do know it gets better though.  i'm going to stop right there.

i couldn't forget about you because for someone who didn't really know me that much, you welcomed me into your home, you brought me places, introduced me to friends like you and i  were friends for the longest time.  you treated me as a friend. you thought i was a good writer.  i couldn't get over that.  it was an honor for me, and i am truly grateful.  it made me write more until i got better.   that and ikaw lang ang nagsabi na nai-table ako ng mga lalaki.  bet you don't remember that either.  :)

i hope you are always well.  i hope that you're in a better place now than you were then.  and i do hope to catch up.  i owe you a beer this time.  although i don't know how that'll work.  i don't even know you'll get to read this.  but i hope you take care and you become more successful.  thank you for believing in me, when no one else did. thank you for inspiring me.  thank you for the bright idea that is the highlight of my September 2014.  

have a great life.

still your fan,
me