Monday, October 27, 2014

not-so-angry girl journal 10.27.14

it's a great feeling when you have friends who say, "what are you feeling? You know i would drive to nova for you..." or, "you know i'm responsible for you, right? So you let me know when you're depressed, okay? Boy or no boy, I'll be there".  or, "i'll make you laugh.  let's try to lower that blood pressure down.  work will always be there, you know, but your good health won't be. so get yourself checked." oh, and this one: "i've said a prayer to God for you, for your health. you make me laugh.  i worry about you when you're not well."
it's so nice to hear these things, as opposed to getting opposite, and i have gotten the opposite from those i've cared deeply for and just disappointed me.  it's great to know someone truly has my back, that someone cares enough to know how i am because they do and not just because they want something. i know now not to expect, and i know now who really matter. 

Friday, October 24, 2014

angry girl journal 10.24.2014

i will try my best not to inflict myself on anyone and neither will i let anybody else's drama infect me.

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i choose to not let things ruin my day. i also choose double fudge brownies.

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i continue to be hopeful that things will be okay.  no matter how much you try to ruin it for me.  you worthless piece of shit.  

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Person of Interest: sometimes it's better not to know

in this fifth episode of Person of Interest, Shaw learns some valuable people skills, Reese remembers Carter while undergoing therapy and Root has some alone time with Finch.

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the episode opens with Reese and Fusco chasing a man up the rooftop who has been caught embezzling money and committed murder to cover it up.  as it is election day, Reese offers the guy a choice between jumping from the rooftop and trying to kill a cop, in which case, one option allows him to leave insurance for his family.  as the perpetrator chooses to shoot Reese instead, Reese quickly turns around and shoots him in the knee cap, thereby causing the captain to give Reese/Det. Riley desk duty until he finishes undergoing therapy.  or as Reese puts it, "Every time I do something good around here, the Department rewards me with carpal tunnel and paper cuts"

the new number is pollster Simon Lee, played by Jason Ritter.  based on the numbers he ran, the incumbent, Governor Murray, will win over challenger Michelle Perez, 52% to 48%.  when Murray loses to Perez, 52-48, he declares that the election was rigged, which was in fact, the doing of Samaritan, as pointed out by Root.

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photo courtesy of

Finch and Root try to find some dirt on Perez that will force her to step down as governor.  this allows Finch to have some one on one time with Root to ask her how long it has been since the Machine had spoken to her.  the communication between Root and the Machine has been limited since Samaritan went online, since it would put all of them in danger.

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my favorite sequence has got to be the standoff shootout between Root and Martine.  we see a wide shot of them shooting each other, Root from the top, Martine from below, while the song Young Men Dead by The Black Angels was playing.  

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this episode also provides flashbacks on when Harold and Nathan were putting together the system.  Harold explains that the system would have unlimited capability, power, and if not governed carefully, it would one day, govern us.  a concept that Samaritan aims to achieve, as it believes that is humanity that must be carefully governed.

while this was an action-packed episode and it never failed to make my heart jump on every scene, it did give me goosebumps and tears.  when Root and Finch were arguing about how Root should not allow the Machine's whims to define her but she perseveres that her life has a purpose, it made me appreciate how her her character has come around. from being a person obsessed with the Machine to one whose ideals of a better world through it, Root has won us over.  not to mention, she has become an important ally of the team and a real friend to Shaw.

and let me just say that i don't agree with other people who hate on both Shaw and Root's characters because Carter died.  i love all of their characters on the show.  we need strong women on tv who do not rely on other men's affirmation or protection to survive.  they did not kill off Carter just so they could squeeze in Root and Shaw.

which brings me to the other scene that made me bawl my eyes out:  on Reese's first session at therapy, the shrink could immediately tell that he was lying and that he was trying to manipulate her.  he was, after all, once an international spy (of course, the doctor doesn't know that), very cunning and smart, indeed.  when he comes back for a second session, Dr. Campbell tells him that he doesn't have to save everyone, Reese becomes serious, melancholic even, when he starts talking about Carter, how she was a great detective who never lost sight of good and evil and how sadly, he couldn't save her.  he feels the need to save everyone because this world is full of bad people.  it won't stop him from trying to save everyone because in her memory, he feels it is his duty to.

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and the end of the day, while the number is saved, in Finch's words, he has been lobotomized and the truth hidden from him.  frankly, the while the number is brilliant, he needed a dose of humble pie.  people make mistakes.  the alternative was to let him die, which is not the purpose of the team.  Root survives and is given yet another identity by the Machine.  she reminds Harold that the Machine needs his guidance because he is the difference between the Machine and Samaritan.

it is about time for the creator and the machine to talk.  

Saturday, October 18, 2014

et tu, Lourd.

i learned that he was going to release his new book Espiritu over at the bookstore so i decided that after the gym i'd hop on over there, get a book and have him sign it.  or,  i could oversleep, wake up, go to the bookstore first and then go to the gym later.

i chose the latter and it's a good thing i did. there was a long queue and i didn't want to miss him. 

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he looked at me and said, "ang ganda mo ah!" and we know i haven't heard that in a while.  

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i told him that years ago after the first album came out i saw him at UST and i tried to chase him. i told him that my ex got pissed off and that the first album mysteriously disappeared.  he said i had a bad ex and he drew this on Book 2 of This Is A Crazy Planets.

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that's why M is an ex, Lourd.

after signing, i said goodbye and he told me i was getting old and that i should wear my glasses.

i like you, too, Lourd.  thanks!  :)

Thursday, October 16, 2014

angry girl journal 10.16.2014

i keep thinking there's a watch there, to check the time.  

then i remember to buy batteries  . . .

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or that i don't have you holding my hand . . . 

Saturday, October 11, 2014

dance, dance, dance

"The memories would slam against me like the waves of an incoming tide, sweeping my body along to a place where I lived with the dead. Powerless, I could go nowhere." 
- Haruki Murakami

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my friend Chris, his "boy" and I went to the Cultural Center of the Philippines Little Theater to watch Jame Cousins Company's twin-bill production  Without Stars | There We Have Been, based on Haruki Murakami's Norwegian Wood. strangely enough, Murakami also has another novel, Dance, Dance, Dance.

James was a friendly and accommodating lad.  i hope he and his company can come visit our country again.

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i was very moved. watching the whole dance made me want to cry. Without Stars reminded me of Cock, for some weird reason. Gareth Mole was a lot like John's character, caught between Albert Garcia and Chihiro Kawasaki.  i was astounded by the simplicity and strength of There We Have Been. the routine was seventeen (17) minutes long but the female lead, Chihiro, barely touched the floor.  kudos to Georges Hann for his strength and stamina.  they never lost a beat.  i loved the show. i wish we could have more of these here.

it makes me sad that shows like this are only available to those who can afford it, when it should be for everyone.  music, poetry, art.  these are what make us feel alive.  they unite all of us, like love.  i refuse to believe that it should be only for a privileged few.  almost everything is accessible to everyone now.  it's sad that the people who should work to make these things available to everyone are the ones who pioneer in exclusion.  it is very disappointing. nevertheless, it didn't take away how much i loved this show.  and i did.  very much.  unlike some people, i don't believe in keeping these things to myself.  i will keep talking about them and making sure everyone knows about them.

yeah, even if means talking to M again.  

i thought so . . .

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if only there were some other way . . . 

Monday, October 06, 2014

where i am king

they said that my late father looked a lot like Robert Arevalo so i thought this would be interesting. i heard the music was good too, as Myke Salomon, a.k.a. Kenny from Rak of Aegis was responsible for musical direction.

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the story is about self-made man, Ricardo Villena, who will lose everything he has due to bad investments, if he doesn't start selling properties.  he chooses to stay in one of his first properties in Tondo, the Alapaap, which has deteriorated, unlike his other properties which are located in posh neighborhoods.  he vowed that if his grandchildren (real-life cousins, Cris Villonco and Rafa Siguion-Reyna) cannot inherit any more money from him, they will inherit balls.  the premise is that they won't really learn to grow a pair unless they live in Tondo.  Anna (Cris) is being forced by her mother to marry her fiance even after learning that he has cheated on her and Ricky has been dropping out because he doesn't want to be an economist or lawyer like his dad.  they follow their grandfather to live in Tondo in the hopes of getting his "first love" to fall in love with him again.  or something like that.

i thought the movie was really good. it's about family, and friendship and fighting for the ones you love, and that even if it is not always the most popular decision on earth, it is your decision, your life.   it is admirable that despite the betrayal of Rez Cortez's  character, their friendship still stood the test.  i didn't see the twist on Don Ricardo's first love coming.  who knew?  it shows how different the world has become, as we know it.  so much has changed in Manila.  there are only 3 songs in the soundtrack (or 2 1/2, when you think about it, since the third song was just a combination of the first two) but they were very powerful songs played at the exact same moment they were needed.

Aiza Seguerra's character, played on her two strengths:  she was a strong lesbian character in the film with a great musical talent.  i also liked Lorenz Martinez's character.   he was pretty silent throughout most of the film and what would've been considered a play on his disability for comic relief, became endearing that he ended up with a lady in the end.

this movie reminded me of my dad, just looking at Robert Arevalo.  but they're two different characters:  my dad was really mean and strong,  while Ricardo is strong but soft.  he really cares.  not that my dad didn't.  it's complicated.  but the movie was great.  i've said here before that the Cinemalaya films are all about love, and this movie is full of it.  

Sunday, October 05, 2014

from the outside looking in

hey there. 

i'm not sure if you remember me or if this is still your email address but i find myself writing to you again anyway.  i had meant to write you sooner, like a year ago sooner, right after i saw you and a friend (more like crashed your dinner for a photo op) last year but life got in the way.  i was moving to a new role, i was trying to sort of get over the "break up" with my pseudo-boyfriend, it was a mess.  in short, life got in the way.  i really wanted to apologize for bringing up your ex and asking about her. i didn't know and i'm sorry i did.  i honestly didn't know what happened.  i know it's none of my business or my fault for asking but it didn't really help that i did.  after i crashed your dinner.

i really felt that apology was overdue when i read what you wrote.  i felt your pain.  and then i wondered what happened.  she was your best friend and you loved her so much.  i know i wasn't exactly that close to you - we only hung out a few times.  well, i tagged along wherever you were like a really bad stalker on a Friday night, just looking to see where you would go and who you would meet after work (no wonder, i didn't become a lawyer) and you were someone i thought i'd share things with, thoughts i couldn't share with anyone.  i know i could share them with someone else but i felt safe sharing them with you.    i was comfortable around you, confiding in you.  you had a total of three readers then, you said, although i was pretty sure apart from your family and your then wife, you had friends who were interested about the latest book, movie, or album you were into. i felt like you were that someone who would always be there, every Friday at least.  the column, the radio show.  someone who wouldn't let me down.  i know for sure you have more than three readers now.  i couldn't listen to the radio all the time.  i was in the night shift.  i still am.  anyway, i digress. point is, i didn't have to be your friend-friend to know how much you loved her.  i felt bad that that trip to that place was hard for you, because you also remembered your other friend.  whom i didn't know.  i won't pretend to know your pain, but i am sorry for your loss.  i do know it gets better though.  i'm going to stop right there.

i couldn't forget about you because for someone who didn't really know me that much, you welcomed me into your home, you brought me places, introduced me to friends like you and i  were friends for the longest time.  you treated me as a friend. you thought i was a good writer.  i couldn't get over that.  it was an honor for me, and i am truly grateful.  it made me write more until i got better.   that and ikaw lang ang nagsabi na nai-table ako ng mga lalaki.  bet you don't remember that either.  :)

i hope you are always well.  i hope that you're in a better place now than you were then.  and i do hope to catch up.  i owe you a beer this time.  although i don't know how that'll work.  i don't even know you'll get to read this.  but i hope you take care and you become more successful.  thank you for believing in me, when no one else did. thank you for inspiring me.  thank you for the bright idea that is the highlight of my September 2014.  

have a great life.

still your fan,