Saturday, September 13, 2014

angry girl journal 09.13.2014

I've been a bad bad girl
I've been careless
With a delicate man
And it's a sad sad world
When a girl will break a boy
Just because she can

- Criminal, Fiona Apple

while this has been a topic of discussion between me and my friends, i haven't really written about it because i am embarrassed.  writing about it acknowledges that it is in fact, real and happening as opposed to just ignoring it until it dies a natural death.  i talk about it with friends not because i have a habit of bragging about things like this.  it just actually is a source of amusement for me, not that anyone's feelings getting hurt, if they are in fact hurt, are my idea of entertainment.

my boxing trainer is courting me.

 photo trainerme_zps0ac019a4.png

i feel awkward saying this because i was already in sixth grade when he was born.  i don't feel comfortable with the idea that a younger guy is courting me.  it is flattering, that i can admit to.  it's the basis of my amusement.  but it stops there.  i don't even take him seriously.  and after that last asshole, i really find it difficult to take anyone who says they love me on a romantic level seriously.

it's not like i totally shut off the idea.  i've thought about it, but i didn't like it.  i'm not young anymore and those things like, "Mahal kita, maging sino ka man!*", they don't fly anymore these days.  the better part of me is saying, "oh no, you don't.  not again!"

for starters, apart from the age gap, there is the language barrier.  i'm going to sound like a total ass for saying this, but there are times, well, most of the time, when the initial thought that pops into my head, is in English.  it's always been that way, ever since i was young and that's how it is at work.  i can't always translate what i have in my head to Filipino just so i can bridge the gap between me and my trainer.  i had to do that with the ex-father of my almost child, where i had to explain to him why he had to pick me up every Sunday afternoon after debate.  i even had to explain what debate was.  and i was younger then, i had more patience and i still believed that, "love conquers all".  i couldn't talk to him about my debates.  i had to wait the next day to talk to my friends about it. and even with friends, i had to wait for the other set of friends to talk about the debates.

i can't always dumb down.  i'm not even that smart.  i respect people who try to make an honest living.  and while i know my boxing trainer can trade punches with me, take care of me, give me a great massage and he probably has the stamina of a bull during sex (my friends' words, not mine.  i don't even think about him that way.  although he probably could give a mean cunnilingus), i can't go home to someone i can't bounce off ideas to. a lover for me, is still someone whom you can talk to about anything under the sun.  a lover should be your best friend.

there's also the part where i have to "dress" him up so he would look age appropriate beside me. given the great disparity in our sources of income, i would have to pay all the time whenever we'd go out and i don't want to have to do that anymore. i don't want to be that person again.   i did that with the ex-father of my almost child.  i did that with M.  i did that with that asshole pseudo-boyfriend for four years and i refuse to believe that that is the story of my romantic life.  whether or not love exists, i don't want it to ever come up as being part of the equation.  i am not ready to open up my world when i think that is concern; i am too scared to open up to other people as it is, without that looming over my head.  there are things i cannot compromise.

i want to be loved for me.  not my body, not my connections, not my money, BUT ME.  

right now, i can't even imagine why people would love me for being me (since i'm still learning to love myself more)  but i want that to be the sole reason.

so there.  i'm a criminal.




*I love you, whoever you are (or whatever you are)