Tuesday, September 23, 2014

it shouldn't be so hard to get by anymore

ten years ago, i wrote that it was hard for me to get by because i was a bisexual and i always had to explain myself to people why i was, am the way i am, and i love the way i love.

today is International Bisexuality Day!

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i still have to explain myself to people, especially those who live under a rock or may have been misled growing up that homosexuality is a disease.  but like i said, these are great times to be who you are, and to be free to love who you love.  i am grateful to those who sacrificed their lives so that we can enjoy these simple freedoms.

i won't always be understood.  i won't always be loved for who i am, or what i do.  but i will never be ashamed.  

Saturday, September 20, 2014

if only i could afford a glass house

i had the great fortune of staying in this house for two days because of the generosity of a good friend. with just my salary, i don't think i could afford staying here, considering that the kitchen alone is worth P2.1M.  it was such a beautiful and peaceful place that i didn't mind not visiting any other place in Bohol. the owner is a very sweet, warm and grounded woman who welcomed me into her home. i felt safe.

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maybe when i can afford it, or when i'm close enough to the owner, i can bug her about going back and staying for another weekend.  forgive the really boring captions.


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this is the patio.


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this is the living room leading to the pool.

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this painting was done by the owner of the house for a client who didn't pick it up anymore.


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had i come with my lover (if i had one), this would've been the bed and room where we would stay


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this is the painting on each of the floors of the rooms

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this is the room where my friend and i stayed

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this is the mural in the bathroom

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a view of the staircase and the table by the window. if you look closely, there is a statuette of a little girl sitting down underneath the staircase. i couldn't get her up close without causing danger to myself. i don't know how they put her there.


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this is the staircase to the living room that leads to the swimming pool

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i really liked this table right here by the window.

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this is the lamp by the wall


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this is the day bed right in the living room


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these two were fixtures in the bathroom shelf.

i had a great time.  hopefully, next time, i bring you there with me.  i know YOU can afford it. 

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

somebody's all packed and ready to go :)

all set for Bohol! 

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we're ready to take a break.  eat. drink wine.  swim. write.  

Saturday, September 13, 2014

angry girl journal 09.13.2014

I've been a bad bad girl
I've been careless
With a delicate man
And it's a sad sad world
When a girl will break a boy
Just because she can

- Criminal, Fiona Apple

while this has been a topic of discussion between me and my friends, i haven't really written about it because i am embarrassed.  writing about it acknowledges that it is in fact, real and happening as opposed to just ignoring it until it dies a natural death.  i talk about it with friends not because i have a habit of bragging about things like this.  it just actually is a source of amusement for me, not that anyone's feelings getting hurt, if they are in fact hurt, are my idea of entertainment.

my boxing trainer is courting me.

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i feel awkward saying this because i was already in sixth grade when he was born.  i don't feel comfortable with the idea that a younger guy is courting me.  it is flattering, that i can admit to.  it's the basis of my amusement.  but it stops there.  i don't even take him seriously.  and after that last asshole, i really find it difficult to take anyone who says they love me on a romantic level seriously.

it's not like i totally shut off the idea.  i've thought about it, but i didn't like it.  i'm not young anymore and those things like, "Mahal kita, maging sino ka man!*", they don't fly anymore these days.  the better part of me is saying, "oh no, you don't.  not again!"

for starters, apart from the age gap, there is the language barrier.  i'm going to sound like a total ass for saying this, but there are times, well, most of the time, when the initial thought that pops into my head, is in English.  it's always been that way, ever since i was young and that's how it is at work.  i can't always translate what i have in my head to Filipino just so i can bridge the gap between me and my trainer.  i had to do that with the ex-father of my almost child, where i had to explain to him why he had to pick me up every Sunday afternoon after debate.  i even had to explain what debate was.  and i was younger then, i had more patience and i still believed that, "love conquers all".  i couldn't talk to him about my debates.  i had to wait the next day to talk to my friends about it. and even with friends, i had to wait for the other set of friends to talk about the debates.

i can't always dumb down.  i'm not even that smart.  i respect people who try to make an honest living.  and while i know my boxing trainer can trade punches with me, take care of me, give me a great massage and he probably has the stamina of a bull during sex (my friends' words, not mine.  i don't even think about him that way.  although he probably could give a mean cunnilingus), i can't go home to someone i can't bounce off ideas to. a lover for me, is still someone whom you can talk to about anything under the sun.  a lover should be your best friend.

there's also the part where i have to "dress" him up so he would look age appropriate beside me. given the great disparity in our sources of income, i would have to pay all the time whenever we'd go out and i don't want to have to do that anymore. i don't want to be that person again.   i did that with the ex-father of my almost child.  i did that with M.  i did that with that asshole pseudo-boyfriend for four years and i refuse to believe that that is the story of my romantic life.  whether or not love exists, i don't want it to ever come up as being part of the equation.  i am not ready to open up my world when i think that is concern; i am too scared to open up to other people as it is, without that looming over my head.  there are things i cannot compromise.

i want to be loved for me.  not my body, not my connections, not my money, BUT ME.  

right now, i can't even imagine why people would love me for being me (since i'm still learning to love myself more)  but i want that to be the sole reason.

so there.  i'm a criminal.




*I love you, whoever you are (or whatever you are)

Sunday, September 07, 2014

angry girl journal 09.07.2014

wow . . . i'm feeling like a tinedyer.  ten years have passed and i still have this crush on you.

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and you don't know i exist.  well, you do, i'm just not in your universe.

and all this realization occurs while Aegis is playing in the background:

" . . . sa isang sulok na lang, umiibig sa'yo, sinta . . ."

white devil

when i was in first year college, i was diagnosed as having a kidney stone.  it was about one centimeter in diameter.  it caused me a lot of pain.  this was brought about by a lot of sodium in my diet, so i was told to drink lots of water and to make sure i stay away from salty foods.  when i was younger, i really loved tinapang bangus and itlog na maalat.  the cheese flavored chips, i stayed away from, but those two breakfast favorites were a little hard to give up.  i would indulge myself every once in a while with the salted egg mixed with tomatoes but i cannot eat dried fish anymore.  people think i'm a picky eater.  it's not a case of "won't" folks, but "can't".

i've managed to quit smoking.  i didn't have any insane urges like most people do.  i held out pretty well as far as cigarettes, and we've already established that i enjoy my simple poisons in controlled amounts like wine, chips, assholes;  but i cannot for the life of me, quit . . .

RICE.

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yes, the staple food of the Philippines, i cannot quit.  the longest i've been without it is three months and i cannot imagine what it would be like to eat adobo, menudo, laing, pakbet, grilled liempo, ginisang monggo or pork sisig without it.  i really admire people who are able to let go of it completely.  me? it's still a struggle to get half when you're so used to getting a whole serving.  i mean, why would you cut your heart in half like that?

even with the one thousand two hundred calorie diet i as in for three weeks, they didn't cut rice. it was brown, it was healthy, but they never took it out completely.  ultimately i know that i should get used to it someday, being without it.  it's one of those love affairs you can't seem to be without.  guess i have to learn to manage. . soon.

Challenge Accepted.

Saturday, September 06, 2014

supporting the arts amidst wardrobe malfunctions

i had the great misfortune of having the zipper of my dress ruined a few minutes before the show.  thank God for wonderful human beings who were equipped with safety pins and a cardigan.  there is a place in heaven for you!

my wardrobe crisis averted:

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***
my friends and i watched the presentation Musikal! at the Cultural Center of the Philippines for the CCP's 45th anniversary.  it featured highlights from the best Filipino musicals ever staged, even the ones which were not even held in the CCP.  my favorites, of course, were Caredivas, Rock Supremo, Zsazsa Zaturnnah, and Rak of Aegis.

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after watching this show, i realized that there were so many Filipino musicals that my friends and i missed and it would've been nice if we did see them.  everyone in this show was spectacular.

the song by Ebe Dancel, Lakambini from Neo-Rock Supremo, never fails to capture my heart and bring tears to my eyes.  so poignant and powerful.  i don't think i have to point out how much i love Rak of Aegis.  i watched it three times, and while the story doesn't change, my experience is different every time.

much of my enthusiasm comes with being infatuated with Jerald Napoles, who sang with both the Rak of Aegis and Caredivas ensembles.  i thought he was really pretty, with his bunny ears.  the bouquet of flowers he held while singing was reminiscent of Madonna's Like a Virgin.  undoubtedly, the husband and wife tandem of Robert Seña and Isay Alvarez-Seña were unstoppable; both had power vocally, they could light up the CCP Main Theater.   definitely, the most hardworking of them all, would have to be, Myke Salomon.  Myke plays a dual role in Rak of Aegis, acting both as Kenny, and as its musical director.  Myke sang the title song from Magsimula Ka, then came back as Faraj for Mysterious, singing to Chelsea (Melvin Lee) and then re-emerged as the other Kayla (Jerald did the birit intro this time) with the rest of the  Caredivas ensemble. and while Lea Salonga didn't perform, i thought that her presence in the event was more than enough.  it was truly a great night to remember and not just because my zipper was broken.

Mabuhay ang Original Filipino Musicals! 

angry girl journal 09.06.2014

i don't believe in ghosts.  i'm not scared of them, either.  i believe in the possibility that random circumstances occur and coincidences lead one to believe that ghosts might exist.  but i'm not afraid of them.  living alone has taught me that. besides, i'm too old to be afraid of ghosts.

in fact, i don't mind seeing my family one last time.  even if they appear to me as ghosts.  kinda like when Harry Potter saw his parents, and Cedric.  i want to be able to tell them how sorry i was that things weren't better, that i wasn't better.  i want to be able to tell them how much i love them one last time, tell them that every thing i do, whatever i try to be, i dedicate to them.

i am, however, afraid of human beings.  they are far scarier creatures.  you give them love and affection, you show them kindness, and they will stab you in the back.  not like animals.  we shouldn't compare because that's a great disservice to animals.  people are worse.  they plot against you and do mean and cruel things to hurt your feelings.  they are vile.

i know because i am human and i am capable of all of those things.  i don't do them but i know given the proper amount of provocation, i just might.  

Thursday, September 04, 2014

Eraserheads-Esquire Day

i knew there was a reason why my body wanted me to get out of bed this afternoon.  luckily, i listened to my body and got the last copy of the store for the day.

i held my breath, making sure not to ruin the inlay as i was removing the cd slowly from the page.

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truth be told, i really hated it when the Eraserheads were referred to as, "The Beatles of the Philippines". for starters, they weren't cheap imitations, they weren't trying to be versions of the Fab Four from Liverpool.  if there were any similarities, it would be the effect of their music to our generation.  but if there were any local band who would recreate this scene from Abbey Road, there would be no one worthy, to my heart and mind, other than the Eraserheads.

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Tuesday, September 02, 2014

you tell them, Meryl

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“I no longer have patience for certain things, not because I’ve become arrogant, but simply because I reached a point in my life where I do not want to waste more time with what displeases me or hurts me. I have no patience for cynicism, excessive criticism and demands of any nature. I lost the will to please those who do not like me, to love those who do not love me and to smile at those who do not want to smile at me. I no longer spend a single minute on those who lie or want to manipulate. I decided not to coexist anymore with pretense, hypocrisy, dishonesty and cheap praise. I do not tolerate selective erudition nor academic arrogance. I do not adjust either to popular gossiping. I hate conflict and comparisons. I believe in a world of opposites and that’s why I avoid people with rigid and inflexible personalities. In friendship I dislike the lack of loyalty and betrayal. I do not get along with those who do not know how to give a compliment or a word of encouragement. Exaggerations bore me and I have difficulty accepting those who do not like animals. And on top of everything I have no patience for anyone who does not deserve my patience.”
- words by José Micard Teixeira, lived by Meryl Streep

both have no patience for superficial and trivial things.  and neither do i.