Sunday, August 31, 2014

not-so-angry girl journal 08.31.2014


i am fortunate to live at a time when it's perfectly okay for two men or two women who love each other to hold hands in public, especially in a jeepney.  not in the bus, nor in a train, but in a jeepney.

a jeepney allows people to face their co-passengers, whether they like it or not, and if you're stuck in traffic, that's a really long time to be holding hands or to be ashamed of who you are.  i am glad that people can be unapologetic and proud in a jeepney, holding the hands of the people they love and not be afraid of being persecuted.

these are great times.



i haven't met anyone, friend or lover, who felt so strongly about me, who can say to someone else, "hey, you're hurting Bels, so back the fuck off!" or, "why would anybody want to hurt Bels? she's such a sweet and loving person!"

nope, i haven't yet. it would be awesome though, if i did, because i know i would do it for them.



i could not have asked for a better set of friends, co-workers, team, family.  i am overwhelmed by the love i am getting that if i had a heart, it would be broken.  i am grateful, Lord, that i am blessed by Your Presence, through these people, in my life; and for the first time in so many years, i look out the window on the 27th of August and the sun is up.

thank You so much :)

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

some birthday wishes do get granted

about a month ago, i called out to the universe, asking if either Jared Leto or Charlie Sutcliffe could play guitar and sing me, "Maligayang Bati" for today and until now i'm still waiting. nine hours left.

 photo jaredcharlie_zpsed0tz3m5.jpg

for now, i am grateful for birthdays and the fact that guys who don't normally think you're fucking pretty will give you a hug and a kiss on the cheek

Sunday, August 24, 2014

not-so-angry girl journal 08.24.2014

i am normally sullen this time of year but i am surprisingly cheerful, that even i am pleased with myself.

i am truly grateful for all the wonderful people that God introduced into my life and for the ones whom He took away, for my own good.

i will never stop ranting and whining about something, or someone, that much i know.  but i'm not as angry anymore.

Saturday, August 23, 2014

The Rabbit Hole: heavy drama, great acting

 photo rabbithole_zps4553e5f4.jpg

i first heard about The Rabbit Hole because of my fixation with John Gallagher, Jr.  i had a crush on him ever since he played Moritz on Spring Awakening.  before American Idiot, he played the role of the 17-year old Jason Willette, who accidentally ran over Danny, Becca and Howie's four-year old son, who was trying to follow the dog while it was crossing the street.

the play itself is very heavy. both Becca and Howie struggle to move on and get by and it is difficult since they each have a different pace in grieving their son's death.

my friend and i thought that Michael Williams had to be a little bit bipolar, rehearsing for the Rabbit Hole while doing Priscilla, Queen of the Desert's Miss Understanding.  after our photo op, he did admit that it was a bit difficult at first, but everything turned out for the best, as seen in this play.  you felt Becca and Howie's pain even as they tried to interact with each other and even more difficult having to face Jason, who wanted to make amends for Danny's death.  it was also painful for me, watching the guy playing Jason, as i imagine he would not be as brilliant as John Gallagher, Jr.

i liked the play, i just thought it was very heavy.  would i see it again?  maybe not.  i have my own drama to deal with.  

angry girl journal 08.22.2014

i met with my classmates from high school earlier today because a friend came home from Canada with his family.  our class doesn't meet anymore unless somebody comes home from abroad.  he was surprised the people here in manila didn't know anything about each other anymore.

you took me home, Link, thank you.  i don't feel anything for you anymore, but it did hurt a little bit when she made a comment about you and your pastimes.  i mean, nobody really knows we were sleeping together, save for the other guy i slept with.  but that reminder that you (or that other guy) didn't see me as someone anyone would want to have a future with, was a bit devastating.  not to mention that ignorant and insensitive remark about me and the gay guy ending up together because we were the only ones from the class who were not yet married.


come on.  while all of you were trying to be nice in order to search for a suitable life partner, i was busy trying to become a lawyer. that, and becoming a better daughter to my asshole dad.  it didn't work out for me, the better daughter part, or the lawyer part, but we all know how awesome i am now that married men want to sleep with me.


i opened myself to the idea that i could be in the same room again with the people who didn't like me very much in high school and tried to forget the part where i was trying to prove myself, whether that i'm better now or that they shouldn't have underestimated me then.  i am such a loving person now than who i was twenty years ago, and maybe that's why Annabel wasn't as well-adjusted as Bels is.  in a way, maybe Annabel needed to be awkward in order for Bels to emerge as the wonderful person that she is now.

so there.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

if i were a barber . . .


 photo barberstales_zpsb68752f3.jpg

that's how i would describe Eugene Domingo's performance for Barber's Tales.  i last saw Uge (her nickname in showbiz) in Bona and i loved her.  i thought she had so much depth, you wonder why, how she is able to do comedy.  but then it has been said more than once,“The people that bring the most laughter into the world, are usually the ones hiding the most pain.”

Barber's Tales is set in 1975, a few years after Ferdinand Marcos declared Martial Law and the rebels a.k.a. The New People's Army were working their way into the provinces as a way to develop awareness in the Filipino citizens and start a revolution.

Eugene Domingo is Marilou, the town barber, Jose's (Daniel Fernando) wife.  this was set at a time when women were very submissive to their husbands.  the first few scenes made me cringe.  when Jose dies, she inherits the town's barbershop, a business that has been passed down by generations of men in her husband's family.  being a woman, although just as skilled, she is unable to attract any customers, save for the endorsement of the town parish priest, played brilliantly by Eddie Garcia. when her godson, Edmond (another wonderful performance from Nicco Manalo here), who is among the rebels from the NPA, seeks her help because his comrade is wounded, Marilou reaches out to his sister who happens to be one of the prostitutes in the town brothel, Rosa.  note that Rosa is the same prostitute that Jose used to see when he was still alive.  while Marilou knows this fact, she didn't hesitate to help Edmond and Rosa.  Rosa then encourages her clientele to get their haircuts from Marilou or she will tell on their wives.

Marilou also develops a friendship with Cecilia, the town mayor's wife and Marilou is put in a difficult situation, working as the mayor's barber, a supporter of the rebels and Cecilia's friend.

this movie took so much from me.  it made me laugh, cry, cringe, angry.  not too many people know what it was like during the Martial Law era. some people choose to forget and those who enjoy the freedom we have now, waste it.  they will never know the struggle people for us to be where we are today. i am just as grateful to them as i am to have been able to see this movie.  

Thursday, August 14, 2014

angry girl journal 08.14.14

this is a birthday note that i received from my Dad.  he always called me very mean names when he got angry but he called me weirder names as terms of endearment.

 photo bdaynotefromdad_zps579a2fef.jpg

neither of us knew that would be our last year together.

i'm going to stop right here.  

Sunday, August 03, 2014

life in its ugly gory glory

 photo thejanitor_zps348c19f1.jpg

i saw The Janitor today and i was really impressed with the way the film was made.  it may probably be the only Cinemalaya entry i will get to see, given that people had a mad dash to get tickets and the one movie my schedule will allow.  there were certain flaws in the story, but i thought everyone in this movie did their damn best to come up with a great product. up until the third phone i was convinced that all of them deserved to die.  then you realize something doesn't add up and you question everything that you have been fed from the beginning the way Crisanto Espina did.

the movie is about suspended police officer Crisanto Espina, who works as an instructor for a security agency until his suspension is lifted.  caught in CCTV shooting a drug addict and ending up killing him is what cost him his badge.  turns out the addict happens to be a minor with really powerful parents and his faith and loyalty to his chief, played by Richard Gomez, hasn't helped him get reinstated.  i mean, come on, your chief provoked you into shooting a suspect who was already cornered,  he hid where the camera couldn't see him and then asks you to take full responsibility.  one thing i have learned from The Man in the Suit, was that shooting someone in the knee caps, keeps the bad guy from going anywhere, and still causes the perpetrator much damage without necessarily killing him.  but then if Crisanto just shot the junkie in the knee caps, he'd be a hailed as a hero, and not suspended so we wouldn't have a story.

also, do we really have to have a scene where Dennis Trillo is working out? and taking a bath? and it's weird he had all those tattoos.  are any of them real?

he looked troubled.  he looked conflicted.  he looked like how any God-fearing cop who saw all he believed to be true just turn to shit that fast would look like.

i thought Nicco Manalo, who played the lookout-turned-eyewitness was great in this movie.  Nicco, who first wowed me with his performance as Moritz in Spring Awakening some years back, has created a niche for himself in both theater and independent films, away from his comedian-father's shadow.  it's still disorienting for me to hear that voice come out of his boyish frame.  the pain that he portrayed, being tortured, made me cringe a number of times, that you wish they would just shoot him to end his misery.  Jerald Napoles comes off as a really nice and funny guy, as we have seen in Rak of Aegis, so i thought he was believable as an arrogant trigger-happy ex-soldier who would abandon his pregnant girlfriend.  Alex Vincent Medina was a revelation to me; i had not seen anything or knew him prior to this movie, save for the fact that he is the son of the Pen Medina, with whom i share a birthday.  anyway, i digress.  not only did Alex inherit his father's unique sex appeal, but he got Dad's acting talent as well.  JC Santos is a delight (considering the last time i saw him was as the masturbating Hanschen in Spring Awakening) as Alex's reckless younger brother who has sex with Alex's boss' wife.  who knew Ynez Veneracion was still acting?

the more veteran actors, Richard Gomez, Ricky Davao, Raymond Bagatsing, Dante Rivero, Derek Ramsay (while not really more veteran, but more mainstream in all those adultery-themed movies) and of course, Miss Irma Adlawan, including newcomer LJ Reyes, were terrific.  i cannot write any more words to describe how they all contributed to making this film as great as it is.  after all, Cinemalaya is all about love:  love of acting.  love of art.  love of life.  The Janitor shows us all of that in all its ugly gory glory.

it scares the shit out of me, this movie.  i am afraid that we remain a third world country because of the rampant corruption in our government.  i am scared that the people who swore to protect and serve us may be the same people who are out to rob us of our rights.  and that any one of us can be a victim or a perpetrator, just to protect those rights.  while i am scared, i am also challenged to care, to be vigilant.  to fight.  we cannot let the system win.  

Friday, August 01, 2014

until now, seriously?

i thought we went over this already.  the answer is still, "NO".

a few years back, you and i started flirting with each other and i told you what my answer was.  apparently it wasn't clear enough for you. i figured you'd already forgotten that temporary state of insanity you have about this, this you and i making out thing. turns out you haven't.  because contrary to what you might think, i am over it.  i am over you.

the thing about what-could've-beens is that it will always be the most mind blowing make out session you will ever have.  as opposed to it actually happening and not being up to par to your expectations.  i personally do not like to disappoint.  however,  while i fuck around and flirt a lot, i don't ruin families.  unlike people who say they believe in marriage, and do in fact, get married, i don't, but i respect people who do.

no matter how bad i think i want you, it will always be "NO".  deal with it.