Sunday, June 29, 2014

early morning ER

about twelve hours ago, i experienced abdominal pain i have not felt in years.  i usually have a high tolerance for pain but this one was seemingly unbearable. i thought it was something i could sleep off but the pain just won't go away. so when i was finally strong enough to pick myself up,  i went to the ER.

strangely enough, when i got there, i was strong as a bull.  or a fox.  point is, i didn't look like i was in pain when i got there.  they said it was either my appendix (because i love books!) or my kidney (the usual suspect) that could be the cause of the pain so they ran some tests.

i really hate it when people in the hospital give me this look and ask me, "you're all alone?".  just like when i took myself in for eight stitches, it's like they felt sorry for me that i went there on my own, when i should've been commended for being such a strong woman.  yeah, i felt pathetic but not totally sorry for myself.  Brad was worried but he was brave the whole time they were sticking long needles on me.

apparently, i gave birth to a stone again.  then they let me go so i went to work.  Mike sent me home after the conference call and told me to rest.  no arguing.  so i did.

and here we are.

i am strong.  i will be brave.  God watches over me. that is enough.

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Jared Leto is a beautiful woman i want to take care of

listening to Thirty Seconds to Mars'  Night of the Hunter

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a few months ago, while listening to the song City of Angels, i asked the question, why isn't Jared acting anymore and months later i hear about this movie called The Dallas Buyers Club.  early this year, Jared won an Academy award for Best Supporting Actor for the same movie.  i didn't even know the band already visited the Philippines.  i was too busy transferring my life from one company to another at the time.

anyway,  i just saw the movie and let me just say how much i adore Jared Leto.  i love him for his music and like i said, i've only seen a few of his movies but i adored him on this one.  i wanted to keep him.  the dedication that he put into this character is astounding.  not to mention, he brought, strangely enough, to a very serious film, some humor. i thought he was really cute, even though the movie and its theme was heavy.  not to mention,  i couldn't stop staring at how beautiful he was.

of course, you know what the movie is all about:  in the early eighties, a lot of people didn't know about this disease called AIDS the way we do now and they who had contracted the disease all decided to help each other get all the medication they could grab in order to survive it.  Ron Woodruff (played by Matthew McConaughey), a very homophobic man who got it while engaging in unprotected sex with an intravenous drug-using prostitute didn't want to have the disease as it associated him with the homosexuals he so hated.  but he realized he could make money out of it, and after meeting Rayon, played so fabulously by Jared Leto, a very unlikely partnership and friendship began.

in the end, Ron came to appreciate the friendship with Rayon and somehow did care about him, based on how upset he was when Rayon died.  in the weirdest way, he showed compassion for Rayon and the LGBT community, showing how getting the drug to survive mattered more to him than the money itself.  my favorite scene was when Ron arm-wrestled his old buddy TJ to shake Rayon's hand while they were in the grocery store.  then like some strict dad, he picks up the potato chips from the cart, throws it to Rayon and asks him to put it back.  priceless.

people have mixed emotions about this movie.  they loved it, they hated it.  they thought it wasn't a true portrayal of actual events.  i just thought it was awesome.  

Friday, June 27, 2014

you gotta love my motivator ;)

hey, move it and get to work already!

it's Friday!

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introducing Brad Bjorn

he was "born"  Fabler, but the friend who gave him to me wanted him and all of his other siblings' names to start with "B".  so he became Brad.

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and for those really sad days, there he is . .

***

but i'm not a child
and wishes can just fly away . . .

Friday, June 20, 2014

smashing, he said

currently listening to Incubus' Anna Molly

i rarely do selfies or outfit-of-the-day photos, except when i'm wearing a dress and i exceptionally look great on them.  besides, if i spend that much money on clothes these days, because i want to look the part, or as they say, "dress for the job you want, not the job you're in", you kind of want to show them off.  yes?


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i am picture perfect, yes?


jacket: Uniqlo
trousers:  Uniqlo
white shirt:  Memo
dress:  Marks and Spencer
shoes: Charles and Keith
tie:  Red's (i mean, the neck tie that my friend Red left with me years ago)

Sunday, June 15, 2014

angry girl journal 06.15.2014

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the only topless picture i have that my father approved of.

the man who never spared the rod when i did something wrong, taught me the value of discipline, education and hard work, called me weird names as a term of endearment, pushed me to be the best always, kept me on a curfew until the day he died and told me that smoking is bad for your health.

took a while, Dad, but i quit. the world is tough, but you made me tougher. i appreciate all the great things that happen to my life, even the not-so-good ones because you showed me that things of value, even respect, should be earned.

we didn't always agree and i probably wasn't the daughter you wish i was, the daughter i wanted to be for you, but i hope i came close.

thank you for guarding me, wherever you are.

Noah: i think i need to read that Book again

basically i've had a Christian/Catholic upbringing.  most of the things i know from the old and new testament came from watching episodes of Superbook and Flying House.

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i enjoyed cartoons then because they weren't dubbed in Filipino yet.  not that there's anything bad about that.  it was just better growing up at the time, being alone for the most part, that i was learning both Christianity and the English language at the same time. i really learned a lot.  of course, the stories were modified so that kids could watch them but basically, the story is told and we learn that God loves us in so many ways.

apart from that, we had Christian Living subjects from first grade until i graduated in high school.  then i had Theology in college.  so while i skipped some of the meaty stuff and not know everything verbatim, i knew up until Joseph the Dreamer (it helped that there was a play, too) in the OT, the Psalms by David and when Saul became Paul who wrote that love is patient and kind in the NT.

the apocalypse via The Revelations scare me so much i don't even bother to skim through the pages.  if He decides to destroy the earth once again, by water, by fire, let His will be done.

anyway, i saw the movie Noah and seeing it made me want to read the Book again.  

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it made me read the Book again, because somewhere in my Catholic upbringing i didn't know that some angels stayed here on earth and had children with humans.  i always still wondered how they reproduced since there was only Eve and then it occurred to me why in Moses' time incest is no longer allowed.  it also made me wonder how extremely hot Jacob probably was at the time for four women to fight over him.  he had many descendants.  but i digress.

i thought the movie was okay.  i thought Emma Watson was great in the film and it reunited her with Perks of a Wallflower co-star Logan Lerman, who was equally moving in the film.  veteran actors Jennifer Connelly, Russell Crowe (their second team up after A Beautiful Mind, i think) and Anthony Hopkins were all awesome in their performance.  they all seemed like a family who lived at a time when God decided to destroy everything and everyone He created because, well, man is wretched.

this film is a great reminder of how far we have come ever since that flood (Jars of Clay playing in my head right now) and how i am afraid that some people need to be inundated before they realize their mistakes and how small they are in the scheme of things.  it's nice to be reminded and then follow through after the reminder has been made.  after all, God has always been there.  God will always be there.  we just have to come back.  

Friday, June 13, 2014

it's a My Sharona kind of Friday

ready to look for my own Ethan Hawke

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dress:  Cotton On
shoes:  Converse AllStars
bag:  Jansport

Monday, June 09, 2014

angry girl journal 06.09.2014

it's not the "being alone" that i'm afraid of.

it's the "letting someone in" after being alone for so long.  

Sunday, June 01, 2014

sometimes the villain actually is the hero

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in the tradition of fine prints, the tale of Maleficent reminds us that just because someone tells us that it is love, it doesn't mean that it is so.  as she tells Diaval, her loyal raven/wolf/dragon/aide:

"there's no such thing as true love's kiss"

this was a winner. as my friend Chris pointed out, whoever thought that Angelina Jolie was perfect for this part, should get a raise, a bonus and everything else.

Maleficent tells the story of a fairy, the fairest of them fairies, the strongest and most powerful, who fell in love with a man, whose greed for power made him betray her.  instead of killing her, he cuts off and steals her wings as proof of taking her life so that he can be king.  she didn't start evil, she was in fact, the protector of their kingdom and keeper of the peace.  until he cut off her wings.

as the movie progresses, you do see that Maleficent was not really a bad person, and that she did watch over the princess that was to become the Sleeping Beauty.  moreso, in the end, Prince Charming doesn't always break the spell. in some ways, i even thought the bird (the raven, Diaval) had more character than he did.

this is a perfect example of people not really being mad, bad or evil until you bring out the worst in them. things, people, are not always what they seem.  

keeping an open mind, an open heart to my Creator

i just attended a Christian service.

yes, you read that right.  i  attended a Christian service.

i haven't been to church in years.  i have been invited by friends to attend a Christian service but i always seem to find an excuse not to go.

i attended one today because i owe it to my manager-friend to go.

i cannot lie:  there were some instances when i cried because i thought it was awakening something dead in me, it reminded me of so many things i wanted to bury within the farthest reaches of my soul,  and when they got out i couldn't stop the tears from pouring.

i needed to be there.  at least once.  i don't want to say i never tried.  now that i have, i remember why i don't anymore.

all these years of being alone i only had my faith to keep me strong.  through all of the things that i have experienced, it was always my faith that kept me sane and safe.  i am not as lost as i appear to be.  i have not turned my back on my Creator.  i have always believed in Him.  just because i have different ways of manifesting that faith, it doesn't take away the fact that i believe in Him.  that's what matters, right?

i believe and love our God.  i don't need to prove that.  i am flawed but i always try to do things to show others that He exists, without manipulation or coercion.  by becoming a blessing to others, i show others i am blessed and not by money, or fame or material things.  i always say this:  i am an unconventional non-practicing Catholic.  i don't do the things that you do, and i may falter and lose it sometimes, but that doesn't make me any less of a Christian than you are, that doesn't make me believe and love God any less.  i went with an open mind and an open heart, like i always have, to my Creator.  they were never closed.