Wednesday, May 21, 2014

angry girl journal 05.21.2014

i was feeling very down today.  actually, i have been feeling down for a while, i just don't let anybody notice.  things haven't been working out in my life lately, and i have been very depressed this whole time.  i just hide it well.  it doesn't help that i cannot rely on other people when i need somebody to lean on right now.

i was thinking, and i feel ashamed saying this, since i'm the one who keeps telling everybody to pray and have faith and that God always has a plan, that God doesn't love me very much and i feel like He's punishing me forever for all the things i have done in the past.

then i remember this elevator story which happened a few weeks ago:

me:  good morning po!

janitor:  hello po, ma'am, sa'ng floor na po kayo ngayon? (which floor are you staying in now?)

me:  sa 20th, minsan sa 8th, minsan sa kabilang building, paiba-iba po.  kung saan po ako kailangan (at the 20th, sometimes at the 8th, other times, at the other building.  depends on where i'm needed)

janitor:  ay, kaya pala di na namin kayo nakikita sa 15th, lumipat na pala kayo (no wonder we don't see you at the 15th anymore, you moved)

me:  opo, tapos na  po kontrata ko dun eh (yeah, i ended my contract there already)

janitor:  wala na kasi bumabati samin na makulit at masayahin ng, "good morning" kahit hapon at gabi na (nobody greets us a good morning anymore, regardless of the time of the day)

me:  ay, hihi (blushes)

janitor:  (about to step out of elevator to go down the 15th) sige po, ma'am.  ingat po kayo 
parati (see you, take care, ma'am!)

me:  kayo rin po, salamat! (you too! thanks!)

i don't do a lot of things right.  i make mistakes, and probably not all the great things i do, whether part of my role or not, is good enough for everyone.

but those little things like that, the ones that you think didn't matter to anybody, when appreciated, mean so much more than money or power or fame.

i'm good now, Lord.  i'm sorry about earlier.

thanks.