Thursday, May 29, 2014

angry girl journal 05.29.2014

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God sent for my mother eighteen years ago today.

yes, this picture was taken eighteen years ago. lol.

seriously now, i know that wherever you are, you are watching over me. i miss you like it was yesterday. you are the voice of reason in my head.  the reason i live, love, and hope.

Monday, May 26, 2014

the advantages of time travel

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i have to say, i agree with him. i'm not that big of a fan of the XMen movies and i only started becoming one when i saw the movies, but i hated X3.  Cyclops dies, Professor Xavier dies, Jean dies.

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i thought XMen Days of Future Past was so awesome i saw it twice.

time travel allows people to do-over past mistakes, to make things right.  that is what XMen Days of Future Past was all about.  

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

angry girl journal 05.21.2014

i was feeling very down today.  actually, i have been feeling down for a while, i just don't let anybody notice.  things haven't been working out in my life lately, and i have been very depressed this whole time.  i just hide it well.  it doesn't help that i cannot rely on other people when i need somebody to lean on right now.

i was thinking, and i feel ashamed saying this, since i'm the one who keeps telling everybody to pray and have faith and that God always has a plan, that God doesn't love me very much and i feel like He's punishing me forever for all the things i have done in the past.

then i remember this elevator story which happened a few weeks ago:

me:  good morning po!

janitor:  hello po, ma'am, sa'ng floor na po kayo ngayon? (which floor are you staying in now?)

me:  sa 20th, minsan sa 8th, minsan sa kabilang building, paiba-iba po.  kung saan po ako kailangan (at the 20th, sometimes at the 8th, other times, at the other building.  depends on where i'm needed)

janitor:  ay, kaya pala di na namin kayo nakikita sa 15th, lumipat na pala kayo (no wonder we don't see you at the 15th anymore, you moved)

me:  opo, tapos na  po kontrata ko dun eh (yeah, i ended my contract there already)

janitor:  wala na kasi bumabati samin na makulit at masayahin ng, "good morning" kahit hapon at gabi na (nobody greets us a good morning anymore, regardless of the time of the day)

me:  ay, hihi (blushes)

janitor:  (about to step out of elevator to go down the 15th) sige po, ma'am.  ingat po kayo 
parati (see you, take care, ma'am!)

me:  kayo rin po, salamat! (you too! thanks!)

i don't do a lot of things right.  i make mistakes, and probably not all the great things i do, whether part of my role or not, is good enough for everyone.

but those little things like that, the ones that you think didn't matter to anybody, when appreciated, mean so much more than money or power or fame.

i'm good now, Lord.  i'm sorry about earlier.


Monday, May 19, 2014

this one counts

so somebody started this thing called 100 Days of Happiness which, while would've been good for my well-being, i didn't even try to start.  for starters, i tend to procrastinate.  second of all, i wouldn't last a day.  i mean, let's face it, i have good days and bad days and more often than not, before i can even start enjoying one good moment for about a few moments, it is immediately followed by something unhappy.  almost always and it is very disillusioning.  

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what started out as something i said i would do to impress a guy turned out to be something that was actually good for me.  i can easily fall off the wagon but i somehow not, and i am grateful this is the one thing i can keep my focus on not doing.

i have good days, i have bad days and i have really worst days, but these are the days i make sure i count.  

Thursday, May 15, 2014

angry girl journal 05.15.2014

while it is not like me to tell people how to raise their children, i think common courtesy dictates that you respect other people's personal space along with other niceties (or conduct)

what i'm trying to say, i guess, is that if you're an ugly lot, you don't further perpetuate what is already wretched in the world by exhibiting bad behavior.  we shouldn't leave a legacy of cruelty or stupidity.

don't they teach good manners and right conduct in schools anymore?  don't they offer refresher courses for adults?  

Monday, May 12, 2014

maybe not in this lifetime

my friend Mark sent me this message over our office instant messenger and it made me smile so much:

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he's a really sweet friend, who also happens to be gay :)

maybe not in this lifetime, but in some other parallel universe, it would've been one hot marriage.  

Thursday, May 08, 2014

angry girl journal 05.08.2014

why did i have to be so ambitious? why did i think so highly of myself that i had potential that needed to be realized? why did i let those stupid movies like Dead Poets Society and Mona Lisa Smile affect me and made me think i should go out and be different,  someone that i'm not. why was i so persistent in doing all sorts of things to try to improve myself?  i could've just been an agent: logging out after eight hours, no overtime hours, unless i wanted to earn extra money, not on call and nothing to worry about? why did i have to be so proactive and so eager to do more and help other people when i could just stay indifferent?

Monday, May 05, 2014

a way to get lost

i love Joseph Gordon-Levitt.  i think he's a great actor.  i don't get to see a lot of his movies, but when i do, they're always really good, if not amusing, to say the least.

when i found out he wrote, starred and directed this movie, Don Jon, i went ahead and searched for it.  i don't believe they showed it here in Manila.  you do know how conservative this country is, right?

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Don Jon is about Italian-American Jon Martello, who cares only about a few things:  "my body, my pad, my ride, my family, my church, my boys, my girls, my porn".  for an attractive guy who can easily pick up girls in a bar and have his way with them, he prefers porn and masturbation to actual sex.  he meets a girl in a bar, Barbara (Scarlett Johansson) who, while attracted to him, prefers the traditional long-term courtship. she asks that he take night classes so that he can leave the service industry, meet each other's friends and  parents and watch romantic comedies.  one night after they had sex, she catches him watching porn while masturbating and they fight.  while he gets to lie his way out of it, he then proceeds to watch porn while in night school to keep her from catching him.

Jon meets  Esther, a middle-aged woman in his night class, who catches him watching porn while in class.  she attempts to apologize for an earlier awkward incident in which Jon encountered her weeping by herself at the college, but he brushes her off.  back at his apartment, Barbara confronts  Jon upon checking his browser history that he is continuing to compulsively watch pornography.  Jon tells her that  his interest in porn is the same as her interest in romantic movies.  disgusted, Barbara breaks up with him.

Jon tries to go back to his old lifestyle of watching porn, even in class but it is not the same.    Esther tries to offer advice to Jon, even lending him an erotic video, that she believes has a more realistic depiction of sexual relations, and he responds by initiating a sexual encounter with Esther in her parked car.  when Esther asks him why he prefers porn to actual sex, he replies that only in watching porn is he able to "lose himself", which is something he does not experience in actual sex.  Esther tells him that such an act is very one-sided, as sex, or making love, is about losing one's self in another and challenges him to try to masturbate without watching porn. he is unable to.  she invites him to his home and he finds out that she has been living alone after losing her husband and her son to a car accident fourteen months before.  she touches his hair and they have a sexual yet emotional connection that doesn't make Jon watch porn.

Jon finally tells his parents about his breakup.  his mother is upset because it means that she will not have any grandchildren and his father is disappointed in him for letting "a girl like that" slip away from him.  only his sister (who seems indifferent for the most part of the film, always on her phone, texting while at dinner or even in church) tells him that the break up was good for him, as Barbara only wanted him to fulfill her unrealistic romantic comedy fantasy.  Jon asks to meet with Barbara to apologize for lying to her about the porn.  she tells him that she only asked him for one thing but he failed.  Jon argued that she asked him too many things and he couldn't live up to her expectations.  she asks him never to contact her again.

Jon and Esther have a relationship,  and he feels they understand each other.  he loses himself in her, and he feels, she loses herself in him, and they get "fucking lost" in each other.

i thought that this was a good film. it was funny.  apart from The Avengers, Scarlett seems to always be that girl in the movies, you know.  Julianne Moore was hot.  in a way, i could relate to her.  not too many people will like this film (or maybe they would) as it deals with matter that we are embarrassed to talk about in public.   i know a lot of people masturbate, or watch porn and while i know it's not healthy, i don't lose respect for them.  it's all about respecting people's preferences and keeping an open mind.

i haven't lost myself in another for a long time.  i don't think i will ever be ready to do that anymore.  like i said, for a sensual person like myself, that is both weird and unusual, even disturbing. i'm just too afraid now, to open up that way to someone.  it would be nice if i could feel it again.  i have my guard up so high that even if i did want to, i would ruin it completely before it even has a chance to get anywhere.  it's just like the ASEAN integrating:  love is beneficial to all of us, but no matter how good it is for you, if you're not ready to deal with it yet, it will always fall flat and destroy you.

i want to be ready.  i want to get lost.  i just don't know if i ever will get lost again.  or if i can.  

Sunday, May 04, 2014

another plea

Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want
The Smiths

Good times for a change
See, the luck I've had
Can make a good man turn bad

So please please please let me, let me, let me let me get what I want this time

Haven't had a dream in a long time
see, the life I've had
can make a good man bad

So for once in my life let me get what I want 
Lord knows it would be the first time
Lord knows it would be the first time


i said here, that if you asked something specific enough, if you put it out there, then you might just get it.

i'm not allowed to have school girl crushes.  i'm too old for that.  i'm not allowed to be distracted.  but hey Universe, if you're listening, i've been a really good girl.  so apart from getting my papers for the post i'm in right now (and the corresponding salary increase that goes with it - because while money is immaterial to me, i am working three jobs for the price of one) and that asshole paying me in full for the money he owes me, the other thing i want, is to meet him:

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i hope to meet him, them. they don't have to be in love with me.  he doesn't have to be in love with me.  i just want to be in their radar, his radar and be friends with them.  especially him.  that's it.  it's pretty specific enough.  pictures with him, them.  text messages.  a few drinks.  okay, maybe that was pushing it.  but i want to meet him and them.  not so much to ask now, since i've been working too hard and it's a relatively easy and shallow request. considering that i stuck out with someone for so long and worked my hardest and it still didn't mean anything to that person, or considering that there are ones who are relatively closer and by certain standards, "reachable", this one is a long shot, but it was worth a try.  please, Universe?


Thursday, May 01, 2014

it's gonna be May

people think this is my birth month because of my first name, when what really happened was they gave me my first name so that it would "miraculously cure" me because i was a sickly kid whom they thought wouldn't live long. well . . .

i did grow up to live longer than anybody expected.  i was (still is) a stubborn child too.

i just cannot imagine what life would be if my name had been "Marie Antoinette"