Saturday, March 29, 2014

what the cock

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my friend Chris and i saw this play called Cock, written by Mike Bartlett.  i looked forward to it, coming from the Rak of Aegis hangover i've been having for the past couple of days. not to mention, the deliriously painful LSS. i really didn't know what to expect. while we went over there for Topper Fabregas, who plays John, we left the theater falling in love with Niccolo Manahan.  Niccolo, whom we first saw in the play Next Fall (please be straight), stole our hearts as M, John's long time boyfriend whom he cheated on with a woman, W (Jenny Jamora),  while they were on a break.

watching M struggle, being the successful man that he is, to fight for his love for John, Niccolo was brilliant.  he was amazing.  i wanted to hug Chris. Niccolo's portrayal of M reminded me of Chris.  we felt for M, we felt Niccolo.  and we really wanted to slap Jenny and pull her hair.  kudos to Audie Gemora for playing F.  if only all fathers of gays and lesbians were as open and loving as F, there wouldn't be too many suicides in the world.
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so that's the story:  John and M have been together for years, and John has always been attracted to men.  during an argument, he breaks up with M and has an affair with W. being confused with his feelings and deep attraction to W, he goes back to M to seek advice.  all the time, watching everyone, what i really wanted to do was hit John's head with a baseball bat.  nobody was putting a gun to his head, nobody was putting pressure on him to choose.  but the way he interacts with both M and W, makes you think he's just a really selfish guy.  i can feel his confusion, i know what it's like.  i've been there before.  i just thought there would be a point where he would decide and just man up and say, "this is what i want and both of you have to respect that".  but he didn't.

this play was emotionally draining for me, but these were very powerful, spectacular performances from all the actors.  you know that an actor is really great and really did her best when after the curtain closes, during cocktails, you still want to slap her and pull her hair.  i  thought Topper did great as John too, but like i said, Niccolo stole the show, stole my heart and it doesn't help that he is a lovable and friendly man off the stage.

yes, i have found my new addiction.

theater! what?

watching the play brought me back to a time when i was with two lesbians and a man. i remember the feeling.  the play was straining in itself but having to relive some part of my very confused life while watching them aggravated it.  i loved M then, i did, i loved her very much.  but had i the chance to make a choice (her persistence and refusal to walk away sort of made the choice for me), i would've wanted to be alone.  i would've wanted to focus on my studies and figure out what i really wanted.  sure, i didn't want marriage.  sure i wanted to have kids.  but i wanted to make sure i wasn't missing out and just going with the flow because it was easier than having to hurt someone's feelings.  i could've been a stronger John.

oh well.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

angry girl journal 03.27.2014

found this in the house while cleaning.  i wonder if either of my bosses still remember it:

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yeah, yeah, they still called me "May" then.

it's amazing how i find these things whenever i doubt myself.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

you can't mess with perfection

my friend Chris and I were on our way to visit Beth and her little momo, our future godson, Kiel.  I bought a newspaper and then proceeded to read off Chris' horoscope to him.  it said to strive for humanity rather than perfection. strangely enough, on the bus, we saw this:

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it's all in the signs.

*there are things you cannot explain, you just know it's perfect.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

angry girl journal 03.22.14

i always thought, and i was brought up to think that no one can, no one will take care of you, no one will know what's best for you but yourself.  that's why i don't rely on other people so much, unless the task i need to do requires an extra hand.  i have been so used to living on my own that i don't know how another person would fit in to it.

i'm not saying i'm not open to another person being in it, i'm just saying i'm not sure how it would work.  it scares the hell out of me.

woke up to a Facebook friend request from you.  now what?

Friday, March 21, 2014

angry girl journal 03.21.2014

if a guy (or girl) thinks he needs to tell me that he's taken when i ask him to hang out for lunch or dinner or a harmless cup of coffee, then he is the one with the malicious mind, not i.

it's just coffee, hello, not a marriage proposal.  somebody thinks awfully high of himself, no?  somebody needs to get over himself, yes?

we need our icons or demons to be as unreachable as possible, that way, if they're less than perfect, it won't entirely ruin us.

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that you are indifferent keeps that mystery about you, and therefore, hold my interest.

but i guess i might have outgrown you.

supposedly, i'm not good enough for you because i do not fall within your standard of beauty.  then how come i'm the number one person on your speed dial when you drunk text about the meaning of life or how nobody understands you but me? Paki*-explain.

i rarely, hardly, if not never, ever use the "i'm-all-alone-in-this-world" card. but trust me, if and when i do, it's going to hurt you more than me.

conversely, if i get asked out, i won't overthink it for what it is.  if it's supposed to be a date, a romantic one, if there is a possibility of sex (yes, i said "sex"), the same should be express, not implied.  otherwise, it's just coffee.

*paki - please

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

a struggling artist you are not

i have lost respect for some people because i find them pretentious for claiming themselves to be "struggling musicians".  this applies to actors too.  i don't think you can wear that badge when you've never suffered your whole life.  you cannot write, cannot sing, cannot embody something you have never truly, fully experienced.  in a way, you can say you're brilliant, much like some people who say they learn from the mistakes of others, to have felt without actually being.   but there is no credibility in  your words, not having been poor, or ugly, or hungry. you don't look ugly or poor or hungry.   have you ever even had your heart broken?

one could argue that because of pedigree, of the name, that they had work twice as hard than everybody else, that they had to prove they were more than what the name had to offer.  is it really? is it really more difficult when you already have one foot in the door?

it's not your fault, nor is it mine.  neither is it the fault of a tone-deaf person, one who's never seen a play in his life then suddenly becomes a self-proclaimed art critic after seeing the Wicked run here in Manila.  i do not want judge a person's circumstances, but i won't allow them to deceive other people either.  you can only pretend for so long and then the pretentious trying-hard-to-suffer you will come out.

it's strange how they call poor people social climbers because they try hard to be someone they're not.  so what do we call you? 

Sunday, March 16, 2014

love in the time of cancer

"I believe the universe wants to be noticed. I think the universe is improbably biased toward consciousness, that it rewards intelligence in part because the universe enjoys its elegance being observed. And who am I, living in the middle of history, to tell the universe that it - or my observation of it - is temporary?"

John Green, The Fault in our Stars

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it's been a while since i finished a book. i keep buying and putting them on a shelf, like i would a new pair of shoes, and leave them there for a while. this one i started and finished today, so that if the movie came out, i'd know the difference. i fell asleep after, which explains why after my Sunday errands i was incommunicado.

and yeah, maybe i am a sappy romantic, but the book also talks about cancer, an illness that has scarred me more than once, so it was nice to know that if love can bloom in the time of cholera, that cancer can do that to you, too.

Friday, March 14, 2014

the women i want to see but can't

it's too bad i don't have cable anymore.  she would've been really fun to watch on tv.  

i must've been really a bisexual in a past life.  

Chloe Sevigny.

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 Apart from Kate Moennig, the only other woman I want to, uh, be with.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

just random

Green light, Seven Eleven 
You stop in for a pack of cigarettes 
You don't smoke, don't even want to 
Hey now, check your change

i woke up this afternoon inundated with memories:  from last Sunday night's Rak of Aegis to the morning after shift gigs of Orange and Lemons i saw, to New Yorker in Tondo in high school; Superbook, Flying House, The Three Stooges, Sampaguita Pictures classics on RPN9 and even an argument as to who came first: Voltes V or Voltron (the lions); to duets i sang with straight men, gay men and even the ones with my ex-girlfriend;

Dressed up like a car crash 
Your wheels are turning but you're upside down 
You say when he hits you, you don't mind 
Because when he hurts you, you feel alive 
Hey babe, is that what it is 

and even further back to the black and white tv i poured water on when i was a kid because i thought it needed cleaning; my mother's wake, my father's wake; hanging out with friends, whether drunk or sober, laughing or crying, they came back to me all of a sudden.

Red lights, gray morning 
You stumble out of a hole in the ground 
A vampire or a victim 
It depends on who's around 

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this is the b&w tv i poured water on one Sunday afternoon, because it was inaalikabok (word which means gathering dust in Filipino) and i thought it needed cleaning.

You used to stay in to watch the adverts 
You could lip synch to the talk shows 

it made me think:  am i going to die today or am i meeting the one?

And if you look, you look through me 
And when you talk, you talk at me 
And when I touch you, you don't feel a thing 

i wonder why every time i hear the song Lips of an Angel, i cannot help but think of macho dancers**.

If I could stay... 
Then the night would give you up 
Stay...and the day would keep its trust 
Stay...and the night would be enough 

i really don't feel anything for you anymore.  right now it's just anger.  indifference.  all those times i was there for you and you were never there for me.

Faraway, so close 
Up with the static and the radio 
With satelite television 
You can go anywhere 
Miami, New Orleans 
London, Belfast and Berlin 

how hard is it to print an agenda?  or lyrics and chords to songs?  i don't think you need to finish law school to do that.  it ain't rocket science.

And if you listen I can't call 
And if you jump, you just might fall 
And if you shout, I'll only hear you 

i know i sent him the status report before i left the office this morning . . .

If I could stay... 
Then the night would give you up 
Stay...then the day would keep its trust 
Stay...with the demons you drowned 
Stay...with the spirit I found 
Stay...and the night would be enough 

i am very much fascinated with you, but like all men i pine over, i know i cannot have you, and i know this fascination will not last, because i am very much attached to my work and all my principles and you live in a world so much different than mine.  i would love the idea though, that you and i can be friends in the real world, because we make each other laugh and i could really use someone like you in my life.

Three o'clock in the morning 
It's quiet and there's no one around 
Just the bang and the clatter 
As an angel runs to ground 

i have all these thoughts in imaginary conversations with you.

Just the bang 
And the clatter 
As an angel 
Hits the ground

but i don't know you yet.

*lyrics of U2's Stay (Faraway, So Close) courtesy of
**Filipino term for male strippers

just random (abridged version)

I woke up this afternoon inundated with memories: from last Sunday night's Rak of Aegis to the morning after shift gigs of Orange and Lemons I saw, to New Yorker in Tondo in high school; Superbook, Flying House, The Three Stooges, Sampaguita Pictures classics on RPN9 and even an argument as to who came first: Voltes V or Voltron (the lions); to duets I sang with straight men, gay men and even the ones with my ex-girlfriend; and even further back to the black and white tv I poured water on when I was a kid because I thought it needed cleaning; my mother's wake, my father's wake; hanging out with friends, whether drunk or sober, laughing or crying, they came back to me all of a sudden.

I have them all in imaginary conversations with you.

But I don't know you yet.

Monday, March 10, 2014

once more, again, with feelings: Rak of Aegis

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because once is not enough.

i have been waiting for Rak of Aegis for months, and the main reason i have been doing so, is this humongous crush i have on the guy playing Tolits, Jerald Napoles.  Jerald, whom i first saw in the hit PETA musical Caredivas, has made a huge fan out of me, with his humor, his voice, not to mention, those killer abs.  so when i saw the play in February, and it wasn't him, i had a "why wasn't it you, Jerald?" moment and this time, i wasn't after proportion.  i really wanted to see him again.  this story of loving from afar is so close to me that i had to, just had to, see his take on it.  again, i mean no disrespect for the other actor, Pepe Herrera, or Joan Bugcat, who played Aileen.  they are really great actors.  Pepe was really funny when i first saw the play, and that Jerald wasn't playing Tolits that time didn't take away how much i loved the show.  i really did love the show. that's why i saw it again.  and of course, so that i can do this:

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Jerald also happens to be a very friendly human being. very down-to-earth, very funny.  of course, one could argue, it's the same material. what could be the difference?  could i just not be smitten with the actor?  i have this to say:  i have done a number of inductions and some are hits, some are misses, just like the dresses i wear, but it's the same material.  it's all about style.  Jerald has the great misfortune of long hair, biceps and great abs, which make you wonder why having all that as Tolits, Aileen still preferred Kenny.  Jerald used all those qualities to channel the guy you didn't really notice but the one you really want to be with.  thank God, Aileen came to her senses and realized that not only can you resurface after the flood, but that you can also find love where you least look.

he had me at, "dear".  

i didn't think he would recognize me, this guy who was so busy he still found the time to respond to my high school crush-driven messages (unlike some people i know who are "too busy" and chances are, i'm not the only fan he has to reply to - the actor has better things to do, like rehearse his lines, flip his hair or flex his muscles while reading Bukowski) and laugh at my quips.  i had all these lines in my head about how i was going to approach him, but they were all predicated on the idea that he would be too preoccupied due to the number of people waiting to get a picture with him. people who know me know that i'm pretty big on Carpe Diem, making the most out of the situation, and my elbowing skills for photo ops when i really, really like the person i'm trying to get next to, not to mention the banter i try to squeeze in those few short minutes.   i didn't expect that he would see me, smile, give me a big hug and a peck on the cheek, like a long lost friend i did not see for a while.  and i wanted so much to say how amazing he was, and there i was . . .


i'm surprised we even have this picture.  i was so starstruck.

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of course, i couldn't have him all to myself so i had to let him go.  he said to continue messaging him. or at least, that's what i heard. my hands were too busy with the being cold and trembling that for a while  i didn't know what was going on.  such an amazing man.

i love this show more than when i first watched it.  what an awesome performance that truly rocked my night! this is definitely one of the best original Filipino musicals i have ever seen. i enjoyed the music and the humor as it depicts the resiliency of the Filipino spirit, but most importantly, i got to enjoy Jerald 😊

Sunday, March 09, 2014

Grimm: aswang American style

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people have been waiting for this episode for a while.  i know i have.

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we all know Sgt. Wu to be the sarcastic, but very reliable uniformed cop of the series Grimm but i don't think people realize that he is, in fact, a Filipino, just like the guy who plays him, Reggie Lee. so Drew's (yes! a first name, finally!) childhood friend Dana (Tess Paras) and her husband Sam (Alain Uy) recently moved to Portland from the Philippines.  Dana is assaulted and almost loses her unborn child.  Drew is reminded of old stories his grandmother told him about the aswang coming over to prey on pregnant women, and sometimes, even grown-ups but is unaware that the myth has actually come to Portland.  where there is a Grimm.

one of the great things about this episode is the fact that we get to be featured in a big US TV show like Grimm, even if it means getting featured for the really scary stuff. i did find it weird how the Filipino actors spoke in English, though.  very raw.  like, really?  i have been following Grimm for a while and i have seen old movies of aswang and tiktik but this episode still managed to creep me out.

the show also made me appreciate this hot guy:

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we don't really know if Sgt. Wu will ever be in on the whole Grimm gang but if the aswang can get to Portland, anything can happen.