Wednesday, January 22, 2014

i cannot be my 4-year-old self right now

i remember when i was four i told my mom i wanted to go to school so she got me enrolled.  not only were my feet growing at a rapid rate, i was also inexplicably lazy.  my teachers said i seemed to have a lot of ideas in my head.  i certainly looked like i did, but i couldn't seem to translate what my brain was thinking.  there was even this day i had a dream that i made something in class so i proudly told my teacher about it.  but when my mom came to pick me up, she told my mom how disappointed she was.

"she said she was going to do something today, Mrs. D, but she ended up doing nothing,"

to this day, i can't remember if i was asleep in class or kept to a corner or just seemed really disinterested.  i think they all thought i was slow.  they pulled me out so i didn't really start until a year later.  it's amazing what a public school education can do to you. i rocked in all my classes and i even became a girl scout. then they moved me to an all-girls private Catholic school because they thought i had potential.  we still have no explanation for my pre-school indolence.

right now i feel like i'm that slow kid again.  i have all these ideas in my head and i totally understand what's going on around me, what i need to do but i just can't, for the life of me, get to where i need to be.  i can't do what i'm supposed to do.

it's not like i don't understand the gravity of what i need to be doing.  I DO.  it's just sad that i can't get it done when i need to.  it's not like it'll miraculously come to me.  i want to show my new boss that i'm grateful for this opportunity, that i will emerge as this being he imagined me to be.  i don't want him to think he made a mistake.  i don't want my old boss to think he made a mistake.  not when i know for sure that are people out there just waiting for me to fail.

i know i won't, can't get everything right all at once, i know i'll make mistakes.  but not being able to do the simple things which i would normally have no trouble doing really freaks me out.  it's like the days go by without me taking control of the situation and i can't let that happen.

time for a different approach.  time to come out of hiding.  will the real Bels please stand up?