Thursday, January 30, 2014

always the bridesmaid

you know what they say . . .

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this is one of those rare occasions where i'm wearing pink and i have a flower on my head.

it's funny because growing up i never dreamed of wearing white and walking down the isle.  i did hit the phase where i wanted to be with someone and have kids but never thought about the wearing white.
maybe because my favorite color is black.

and all the marriage proposals i've gotten are from girls.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

angry girl journal 01.28.2014

i was really looking forward to today.  i had this smile on my face that

as the shift progressed the smile became a frown. had things to do, things to learn. had my feelings hurt. because to me, it was never about the power.  it was the ability to help people.   then i remember:   God loves me, God loves us.  Christ died for sinners like me.

so for every time i feel hurt, or betrayed, i should remember to forgive because even if they hurt me, Christ died for them too and i should be able to forgive and love them because of that. i struggle with it and i pray for patience when it happens. and it's not easy.  so i go back to the start, which is, God loves me. Christ died for sinners like me.

repeat after me:  God loves me, God loves us.  Christ died for sinners like me.  

Sunday, January 26, 2014

guess this means i should go out more

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"To see the world, things dangerous to come to, to see behind walls, to draw closer, to find each other and to feel. 


That is the purpose of life.” 


i didn't really have any plans lined up for today.  but i wanted to make sure i saw The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.  i saw the trailer and heard the music and thought that this was something i really wanted to spend my Saturday night doing.  yeah, i thought i would see the movie Mumbai Love but i just couldn't.  sometimes you think you want to inhale crystal meth, but you don't really do it, right?

the film is based on a short story written by James Thurber about an ordinary man who spends most of time daydreaming where he is more than ordinary.

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Ben Stiller stars and directs this 2013 film version of the short story and i found it really inspiring.  the music is awesome too.  Walter works as a negative assets manager for Life magazine,  Kristen Wiig stars as Cheryl, Walter's co-worker/crush and Sean Penn is Sean O'Connell, the photojournalist who works with Walter for most of his submissions. he sends Walter a package containing negatives of his latest work and a wallet as a gift of appreciation, with the Life magazine motto engraved on it.  here he tells Walter that negative 25 captures the "Quintessence" of Life and that it should be printed as the cover of the last print issue before it converts to online status.  since he couldn't find the negative, Walter sets out on a real adventure, flying to Greenland to find Sean, following clues from the other negatives. in his search for Sean, he realizes this whole adventure is actually happening as opposed to his daydreams. while in Iceland (yes, he traced Sean's steps and moved from one country to another in one day),  he gets a message that his co-workers are being laid off by the company and he is forced to cut his trip short.

upon coming back empty-handed, he gets fired after sixteen years of working for the magazine.  he is even more disheartened finding out that Cheryl seems to have reconciled with her ex. Walter returns home, thoroughly discouraged, and throws away the wallet Sean gave him when he visits his mother, the Shirley MacLaine and to his surprise, she mentions having met Sean.  feeling inspired, Walter continues to use the clues Sean left him and leaves for another adventure.  here he finally gets to use the travel journal his late father gave him.  he eventually finds Sean who tells him that negative 25 was actually in the wallet.  which he threw away.  which hurt Sean's feelings.

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"Beautiful things don't ask for attention"  

Sean O'Connell 

i really appreciated this movie.  i admittedly did not get to read the short story.   hell, i didn't even know it was, until my boss (the new one) told me it was something they had to read in school growing up.  not too many people know this about me, but as a kid, before i started writing, i spent most of my time creating imaginary friends.  of course, i didn't talk to them in front of anyone, as somebody else might steal them away from me and i'd have no one.  i'd drift away somewhere from time to time and nobody knew about it but me. my father would've hit me if i zoned out.  but i did do this a lot.  seriously.  so that part of Walter's character, i was able to relate to.  i also can't keep talking about traveling and dreaming about going some place.  at some point i have to go out, start moving and going places.  that's what the movie is about:  "stop dreaming, start living"

and of course, i thought that Ben Stiller was brilliant.  the way the music came through in this movie, really made me want to go out and do something.  i didn't know who Jose Gonzales was until this movie.  or that  the line, "Ground Control to Major Tom"  actually came from David Bowie's song, Space Oddity.  i love Bowie but i didn't know that.  it's pretty much the first and last song in my head right now.

i don't regret not seeing Mumbai Love.  or that majority of the moviegoers were talking about Bride for Rent.  again, i have nothing against hoping the local movie industry will get better.  i've seen On the Job. there is hope.   but if we keep seeing people writing their versions of open letters to Lourd De Veyra in defense of crappy movies, i think i'd rather stay home.  or go to Eyjafjallaj√∂kull.

yeah, i can't pronounce it too.  

Thursday, January 23, 2014

angry girl journal 01.23.2014: a math wiz i am not

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i was never really good at numbers.  i never stop trying.  i understand money, though.  i understand that if you have zero amount of money, you have NOTHING.

i didn't understand algebra until after two years.  it would've been great if i got it when i needed it.  that way i wouldn't have to rely on other people so much to find "X".

i work my way around by translating into words what i see in numbers.  it's a slow process, but i get by.  that, or i ask someone to do it for me.

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my new job, requires some amount of math and while i have already discussed with my new boss that this is a challenge, he believes that i am smart enough to figure it out.  such faith.

i am working on it, along with my Microsoft Excel skills.  i did say that with persistence and hard work, people will succeed.  so i hope to God i conquer this obstacle sooner rather than later.  

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

i cannot be my 4-year-old self right now

i remember when i was four i told my mom i wanted to go to school so she got me enrolled.  not only were my feet growing at a rapid rate, i was also inexplicably lazy.  my teachers said i seemed to have a lot of ideas in my head.  i certainly looked like i did, but i couldn't seem to translate what my brain was thinking.  there was even this day i had a dream that i made something in class so i proudly told my teacher about it.  but when my mom came to pick me up, she told my mom how disappointed she was.

"she said she was going to do something today, Mrs. D, but she ended up doing nothing,"

to this day, i can't remember if i was asleep in class or kept to a corner or just seemed really disinterested.  i think they all thought i was slow.  they pulled me out so i didn't really start until a year later.  it's amazing what a public school education can do to you. i rocked in all my classes and i even became a girl scout. then they moved me to an all-girls private Catholic school because they thought i had potential.  we still have no explanation for my pre-school indolence.

right now i feel like i'm that slow kid again.  i have all these ideas in my head and i totally understand what's going on around me, what i need to do but i just can't, for the life of me, get to where i need to be.  i can't do what i'm supposed to do.

it's not like i don't understand the gravity of what i need to be doing.  I DO.  it's just sad that i can't get it done when i need to.  it's not like it'll miraculously come to me.  i want to show my new boss that i'm grateful for this opportunity, that i will emerge as this being he imagined me to be.  i don't want him to think he made a mistake.  i don't want my old boss to think he made a mistake.  not when i know for sure that are people out there just waiting for me to fail.

i know i won't, can't get everything right all at once, i know i'll make mistakes.  but not being able to do the simple things which i would normally have no trouble doing really freaks me out.  it's like the days go by without me taking control of the situation and i can't let that happen.

time for a different approach.  time to come out of hiding.  will the real Bels please stand up? 

Friday, January 17, 2014

angry girl journal 01.17.2014: random angry thoughts on the way to work

kids today (and certain old people) have a false sense of entitlement.  they think that God (or Life or the Company they work for) owes them some thing so they should get what they want without working hard for it.

LOAD of CRAP.

then they tweet here and there about how they think that life is unfair.  they think that merely showing up for work is enough.  they think that if they just lift a finger that that's already work.

nobody respects people anymore.  nobody has good manners anymore.

from how i was raised, if you want something, you work hard for it. you want to buy something, you save up for it.  you take care of yourself.  if you don't know anything, you don't wait for people to pamper you and teach you everything.  people can only answer your questions for so long, after that, it's your job to try to figure it out.

nobody says, "please", "thank you", and "sorry" anymore.  some people find it easier to say, "can i borrow 50K?" than it is to say, "i'm sorry i was mean to you." or "i'm so sorry, i've been a douchebag, i can't pay you yet".  whatthefuck?!

kids today are a bunch of wimps.  i mean, i get it, you need to have high EQ as well as high IQ.  but i still believe that if you spare the rod, you spoil the child.  i mean, you got to stop lying to your kids.  they really have this false sense of entitlement.  sometimes, even the really shallow things hurt them and they cry about it that the really big problems cause them to want to kill themselves.

i mean, come on, di ka lang crush ng crush mo, suicide agad?!

if you're already in your late twenties, or your thirties, or God forbid, you're already in your forties and you still think this way, that life owes, you should be ashamed.  i mean, if i were you, i would really shoot myself.  your parents made this grave mistake somewhere that made you believe that the world revolves around you and you deserve all the best in life without working for it.  for the love of God, country and your fellowmen, grow up!

Saturday, January 11, 2014

not bad for a Keanu comeback

finally, new movies showing in the theaters!

i saw the trailer of this movie and i knew i wanted to see it.  i haven't seen any Keanu movies for a while.

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the movie is based on the legend of the 47 ronins who fought to avenge the death of their leader.  Keanu's character was specially created for this movie.

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set in feudal Japan, Kai, the character played by Keanu is a half-Japanese, half-British outcast who lives in the village of Ako. Lord Asano Naganori, the village ruler, once found a young Kai lost in the woods and accepted him into his domain. despite being rejected by the samurai led by Oishi (yes, that's his name, not the food) due to his ancestry, Kai becomes a skilled warrior and falls in love with Asano's daughter, Mika.  however, Lord Kira, the ruler of the leader of the neighbor tribe, err sorry, village, wanted to have Mika for himself and rule Ako.  so he used the  witch Mizuki to create a spell causing the Lord Asano to attack Kira, thinking the latter was raping Mika.  the Shogun allows Asano to die honorably by committing seppuku (or what we know here commonly as, "harakiri") and brands Oishi and his men Ronin.  shortly thereafter, Kai gets sold into slavery.

amost a year later, Oishi gets released so he reunites with his family and gathers all the Ronin together, including Kai, to avenge Asano and save Mika.  not everyone likes the idea of the half-breed mingling with them but it turns out that Kai not only is a great swordsman, but he is, Neo, The One.  lol.

although the movie panned in the US and in other countries, i appreciated this film.  i had really wanted to see  something different since "my cable got cut" and all the series i've been watching are currently on break.  i thought Keanu did good in this.  maybe it's just me, i mean, Keanu keeps getting crap for supposedly bad acting but i don't seem to care.  i heart Keanu.

of course, for having violated the rule of the Shogun ("i told you not to seek revenge for Asano! i told you not to do that, but you still did that, now look at!"),  all forty-seven Ronin are sentenced to death. the Shogun allows them commit seppuku to preserve their honor. impressed by their bravery, the Shogun allows Chikara, Oishi's son (whom my friend kept on remarking, "he looks gay!  he looks gay!". i thought he looked like a young and skinny Vic Sotto) to live in order to preserve Oishi's bloodline.  i half-expected the Shogun to keep Kai too, after all, he was the brave half-breed who got the Ronin their swords from the magical place, Zion.

the night before seppuku, Kai makes a promise to Mika.  Keanu will search through a thousand worlds and ten thousand lifetimes for you.  it is a love story after all.  

Wednesday, January 08, 2014

angry girl journal 01.08.2014

i'm trying to avoid you because i don't want other people to see how bad your attitude becomes whenever i'm around because you can't seem to hide your disgust for me.  i mean, you hate me for no apparent reason.  you don't have to like me.  and i may have done something for you not to want to try to get to know me better and shut me out completely.  but i believe a little common courtesy wouldn't hurt you. RIGHT?

i mean, you're the more superior, and supposed to be, the more humble leader, the one who should set a good example here.  get over yourself.  i'm here to work.  and learn.  and work.  if only you had a better poker face.

people either love me or hate me and the ones who do hate me, i eventually win them over because they kept an open mind and tried to know me better. there they find i'm not so bad after all. and they know i'm no angel either lol.

i'm just praying for patience while giving you the opportunity to try.  you can't get rid of me anyway. we will be working together.  i know, i have to earn your respect first.  i get that.  but i'm not the one who will get tired of frowning when we chance upon each other.  you are.  so i'm just going to wear you out.  i am great at proving people wrong when they underestimate me.  you just wait.  trust me.  i will wear you out.  

Tuesday, January 07, 2014

angry girl journal 01.07.2014

on my way to the office, the bus had one of the local soap operas on and i heard the name "Lazaro" mentioned, and i suddenly remembered Lazarus, the man whom Jesus raised from the dead.  this scene from the movie Jesus of Nazareth consequently plays in my head where Robert Powell raises his arms and calls out a man to get out of his tomb, "Lazarus, come forth!" and a dead man came out, his face covered in cloth and his hands and feet wrapped in linen.  nowadays, when you hear people rising from the dead, you mean zombies and not the overwhelming power that Jesus has over life and death.

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unlike my more active Christian brothers and sisters, i don't really go to church that often anymore and when i do, i don't really make a big deal out of it.  i believe in the power of God's love and while i seem to be angry and cynical all the time, that one thing, i am pretty sure of and not angry about.  God hears, sees and protects everything, every one of us.  we don't often get the answers we think we want and more often than not, when we get the response, we're not listening properly to what He has to say.

maybe nowadays there is no way the dead can rise without wanting to eat your brain, which may or may not be true. but God's love transcends time, life, death.  it is all powerful and never ending.  that may or may not be true as well.

we all believe in something.  some people believe in magic.  some people believe in fate.  some people believe in zombies.  i believe in God's love.

you didn't see that one coming, not from me anyway, did you?

***

i am greatly disappointed that the person who will replace me has a bad attitude towards our other co-workers and it affects the way they look at my boss.  i don't report to him anymore but i still care.  i owe the man a lot of who and what i am now because he gave me a chance to grow and i can't help but think that it's my fault for wanting to do something better for myself that my peers think he's an ass because the one who replaced me is an ass.

i am not perfect but i think i've proved myself, of all the people who have worked for him, to be loyal and worthy of respect.  i try to carry myself responsibly and make sure i treat others the way i expect to be treated.  yes, all those times i was scolded to respect others paid off.  my parents were big disciplinarians.  sometimes they went overboard but i am grateful they were, as this industry is all about how you treat people and how it will all come back depending on how you did.  and again, i'm not perfect, i was pretty efficient and effective at what i did, and i could really be difficult to work with sometimes, but somehow, i seem to be the "lesser evil" in all of this.

i know this is none of my business anymore.  but i care.  it's a character flaw.  i care too much.  i worked too hard to "manage my boss",   to manage how other people perceive my boss, and i've worked hard to get people to respect me to let someone just ruin it because she feels like it.

***

i'm only going to vent about this once and then afterwards i'm done. maybe just a little every now and then.

respect begets respect.  i believe in the absence of that, there is common courtesy.  

Thursday, January 02, 2014

finally, a word that describes me

that's the state of my heart right there:  induratized.  

i believe in love.  i believe i can still find love. i guess i stopped hoping.  i won't mind if i find it.  or if it finds me.  i just don't spend an awful lot of time looking for it.  or hoping i would find it.

i probably just ran out of love to give.  it gets tiring when you have to pick up the broken pieces of yourself every time the love doesn't last.  maybe that's why even if i get amused by someone easily, i dismiss the feeling right away.

of course, there's weird. crazy. stubborn. that's me.

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but this one will cut it.

Wednesday, January 01, 2014

it was the year of the snake alright

every new year, i say to my friends, "this will be our year", and this is in reference to our romantic lives, of course, but we never really have anyone.  at least, i didn't, so by the end of each year, even if a lot of great things happened, it wasn't really a win.  but you know what? 2013 was my year.

yes, 2013 was my year.

for starters, being able to say "NO" to someone you loved for about four years is a big thing.  that's one of the first things i thought i did right in 2013.  it took a while, i know.  despite what all of my friends have been telling me, it didn't really sink in until probably the start of the second quarter of 2013.  call it an epiphany,  a light bulb finally or as my friends joke, "the helmet has been broken".  it hurt but at the same time, it felt good to say no to someone who has been lying to you and taking you for granted for the longest time that it made me realize that i shouldn't feel bad at all.  i was doing this for me.  for me.  for me!!! - enter Freddie Mercury and the rest of Queen for that segment of Bohemian Rhapsody.  it was about time i took care of me and not somebody else, for a change.  it felt much like losing weight.

i sang at my friend's wedding.  it made me appreciate my talent and kicked things off for me, although the realization didn't come until a few months later.  i am grateful for the voice that God gave me and the opportunity to make other people happy by using it.

i got to see a lot of movies but i am not sure i got to see a lot of plays so being able to watch Ely Buendia and Supremo was really exciting for me.

i know i still have to work on taking more vacations but at least i got to go to Baguio, Tagaytay and Enchanted Kingdom again.  it felt like i either forgot my first time or didn't enjoy the experience the first time i was there so i visiting those places were more of a do-over.

i also say that 2013 was my year because after so long, i finally have a tattoo.  it's a pretty small ink on my nape but the fact that i got it makes me so happy.  i also made the decision to quit smoking this year. like for good.   i keep talking about it but i never really do but when i declared it, i think i just thought to stop.  i made sure i was surrounded by people who smoked, tried to expose myself to a lot of social drinking,  the temptation was there so i could see if i would give in and more importantly, when i was doing a lot of extra hours because the pressure at work was getting to me, i didn't feel the need to.  that's when i knew i could do this.  of course, i still have a long way to go.  i have been smoking since 1997 but it's not too late to stop.

the second half of 2013 allowed me to grow professionally.  i had the opportunity to teach classes and welcome new hires every Thursday.

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it showed me that i can do this, that i have so many talents i can be proud of, gifts that i can use to help people.  and finally, before the year ended, i got confirmation that after the secondment, i will be off to a new adventure, one that is again,  totally different from all my previous endeavors.  it won't be easy but i'm anxious to how it all works out.

i am very grateful for 2013.  God has taken care of me and blessed me so much.  it was truly my year, alright.  i look forward to making this one mine too.