Saturday, November 29, 2014

i kissed a girl and i liked it.

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i think i mentioned here before that my first kiss was a girl.  i was seven years old. i didn't particularly like it, i didn't understand how it went back then (i still don't now. lol) but i wasn't disgusted by it either.  i found that i liked kissing, man or woman, it wasn't an issue. i also found it pleasurable when they kissed back.

come to think of it, i learned a lot of things a seven year-old shouldn't be doing.

one Sunday afternoon, many, many Christmasses ago, while our fathers were catching up over a few bottles of beer and a game of chess, we were playing house.  it's hard to imagine who taught her or how she knew what to do.  we were both seven.  i was supposed to play the guy parts when she was the one pulling my shorts down and sticking her tongue in my mouth.  years later, she was the well-adjusted one with the husband and kids while i'm the one who's messed up.  i mean, i think i turned out okay.  i really did.  just not the okay in your old school conservative sense, i guess.

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playing the harmonica is like kissing a lover.  you cannot do it when you're angry.

like Anita (in the movie, because my mother's name is also Anita.  she almost named me Antoinette, remember?), my parents had to wait for me for a while, before i would come in to this world.  it was a story that always came up when they would get angry with me for being so indolent.  unlike Anita though,  i never had any problems being dressed up as a girl.  what i wore didn't matter at that time.  i was a very boyish girl, but i liked wearing dresses (i still do now) and skirts.  i wish i had a lot more.  i grew up wishing for a lot of things i didn't have.

anyway, i digress.  i actually didn't want to have my hair cut short but my father always thought that if i had long hair, guys would court me and i'd get married early (look at me NOW, Dad.  HMP.)  in my teens, if i took longer than five minutes on the phone with someone, even if it was for school, he'd cut the hair himself.  i grew up wanting a lot of the traditional girly things not necessarily because i liked them.  i wanted them to have them because everybody else did.  i didn't rejoice in my being different then.  i wanted to belong.

i know, i know.  i had to commit a lot of great mistakes to be this cool.

Ang Huling Cha-Cha ni Anita is wonderful because i sure could've used a movie like this growing up to explain what i felt towards the same and opposite sex.  at least now if kids today saw it, and they felt differently like Anita, they wouldn't be so awkward.  or feel so alone.  lastly, more than anything, in real life, relationships like these don't always end up in happily ever after, so the viewer is able to freely determine the outcome in their head and make believe it did.  i like to believe we live in a world where a lady can decide what she wants to become in life and be respected for it, whether it's a choice she makes in terms of how she looks, how she she lives her life, who she wants to be with,  if she chooses to work or be a housewife, if she will have children or not, if she will marry or not.  she shouldn't be made to feel "abnormal" for making the choices that she feels are good for her.  no one should be allowed to judge her, make her feel sorry  she did what she had to do.  that's the ending of the movie for me.

Thursday, November 27, 2014

angry girl journal 11.27.2014

i've been getting really sick (kidney, viral infection, high blood pressure) these past few days.  i'm fortunate in the sense that there's not much to do at work right now so it's relatively okay to be using up those sick leaves for check-ups and lab work.  it's just that staying at home just makes me realize how much i don't want to stay there anymore.  it's too far from everything else, i no longer feel safe there, not too mention, the house is a reminder of all the years i've been hurt.

and just like that, an Eddie Vedder song whose title i can't remember starts playing.  i'm tired.  i'm just so tired.  i want to go back to work.  being stuck at home reminds me how alone i really am.  

Sunday, November 16, 2014

love is like a shotgun

among the Cinema One original movies, there was only one movie that caught my eye:  Lorna.

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Lorna is the story of a single mother in her early 60s.  she had a son by her first boyfriend who, after migrating to the US, found someone else and asked that person to marry him.  she has a foreigner boyfriend whom she met online but on the day she expects him to arrive, he is a no-show.  several men charm her but they all seem to disappoint, save for her former high school classmate, Rocky. it seems that seeing him again has unearthed old feelings as they had some unfinished business.  Rocky could be the one but . . .

much of my enthusiasm for this film has to do with the remarkable acting talent of Miss Shamaine Centenera Buencamino. that, and the trailer had a lot of guns involved.  of course, there is no actual killing in the film, but that is how love feels like when it fails, right?  a shot in the heart?

can i just say that Lorna has presented to us the most truthful sex scene ever to be shown in Filipino movies? making love with someone is a very beautiful and very emotional experience.  it is real and true and it takes a lot out of you. movies and television have portrayed love scenes to be clean and organized.  i know these things are well-choreographed but the real thing (from memory, it's been a while) is messy and outrageously spontaneous, sometimes even rough.

i appreciated the story because it gives me an idea where i'm headed.  while i'm not really looking for someone, i can understand how most men can see older single women as desperate.  they can be very condescending to think that women would rush to the first warm body that comes near them.  what assholes.  i'm not.  it can be lonely sometimes but it doesn't mean that i will give up my beliefs just so i can be attached.  i've already waited for so long, i might as well get what i want.  and what i want is not to settle.

Lorna is a very strong woman who just needs to be loved, just like i am.  i mean, i'd like to think i am strong.  we've both been hurt before so all defenses are up until the most deserving one (not necessarily the right one) comes along and we can slowly break down our walls.  i always keep in mind that line from Some Kind of Wonderful:

"Between being with someone for the wrong reasons and being alone for the right reasons, I'd rather be right."

Friday, November 14, 2014

first love never dies

tickets for Cinemalaya were sold out before i even got to them so i was thankful that i got to see 1st ko si 3rd during its limited commercial run.

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back in the 80s, there was this show on IBC13 called Chicks to Chicks, which starred Nova Villa and Freddie Webb.  i watched it every Wednesdays.  the childless couple ran a modelling agency and their models, played by Carmi Martin, Lorraine Schuck, the late Maria Theresa Carlson (the Bb. Pilipinas winner who rose to fame with her really bad tagalog) would walk around the house in their underwear.  Nova would suspect Freddie was cheating on her, but it turns out the bad idea for the week was schemed by her brother Chito Arceo. whenever someone would bring up the word, "anak", Nova would cry and wail because they didn't have any.  at the end of each episode, Freddie would reassure her of their undying love and ask her to get ready so they could "shower" together.

that is why i wanted to see 1st ko si 3rd.

the movie begins with Corazon preparing to go to work.  it is her last day as she is retiring from her government job.  she is awakened from a dream where she is walking by the meadows with her first boyfriend, Third.  her husband, Alejandro, who retired a few years earlier, works on their old car so that he can take her to places she's always wanted to go since they have a lot of time on their hands.  Third comes back years later to their old town, inviting everyone for a get-together and it causes some major anxiety for Cory since she never got over him.  then we would see flashbacks of their high school love story (their younger versions do not resemble them one bit, by the way), why they broke up and how Cory ended up with Alejandro.

Cory is in dilemma:  we find out that Cory has been writing to Third all these years, letters she never sent.  she never got over Third.  he would always be the one true love that got away.  Third offers her, in their coffee date (where both of them have iced tea), to live in the US, with this kids.  he tells her he's been divorced for a long time because people don't have to stay together when things don't work out.  this happens the same time Alejandro finally fixes the old car and takes her for a ride.  he tells her that just because things are old, you don't throw them away.  he also reminds her that they don't have much time left together and he just wants her to be happy.

maybe there is no one great true love.  maybe once you have it, it's not what you thought it to be.  or maybe, people stay with the one they are with because they think they don't have any other choice.  remember the time when there was so much pressure from your parents to settle down and there was a mad dash to get married?

i thought this was a good movie.  it wasn't as hilarious as Chicks to Chicks, but it reminded me about how funny it was.  it also reminded me how life is short and how you should never let time pass by without telling the people you care about how much you love them.  it tells us to be brave.  or else, we will end up with regret like Cory.  

one hundred fifty over one hundred

my family has a history of breast cancer, kidney stones and diabetes.

so how on God's great earth am i borderline hypertensive?

i quit smoking, i haven't been drinking, i'm exercising, eating fruits and vegetables (which is not cheap, by the way.  explains why so many people prefer junk food), drinking tons of water and sleeping six to seven hours every day now, as opposed to the three hours on average that i used to get.  not to mention, i just finished a project, which means i have no reason to be stressed out.  can someone explain to me like i'm a four-year old WHY this is happening???

the explanation they gave to me, was that i was in pain - literally or figuratively? i've been trying to get someone to check my kidneys for a while and it doesn't make sense to me to be taking pain relievers when i'm not feeling any pain.  i don't want to be dependent on pain killers.  only addicts do that.  last i checked, i'm a workaholic.  and i've already explained that i'm not facing a huge amount of stress right now.

so what could be wrong?


i dreamt about you.   i dreamt about you talking to me because yours was the last voice i heard before going to bed.  sadly, it was just a dream.  i will never get any chance in hell like that with you.  you're too important and i am shit.  

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Yolanda, the politician on the magazine cover and my cake

Esquire Philippines has been getting a lot of negative energy because of the cover choice but i went ahead and bought it anyway as i am a big fan of its writers Gang Badoy and Lourd De Veyra and its editor-in-chief, Erwin Romulo.

the politician on the cover symbolizes the government's response (or the lack thereof, your choice) to the Yolanda victims. a year after the tragedy, we are still disgusted, maybe because of our own indifference or tendency to forget. there's still a lot that needs to be done. the people of Tacloban still need our help.

by the way, that chocolate crepe cake is delicious.

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angry girl journal 11.11.2014

when i was younger, my classmates wrote a blind item about me in Journalism class.  it made mention of how "friendly" i was, particularly with the boys.  i wasn't sleeping with them, or anything, i just happened to be really close to them.  besides, i had a boyfriend i made out with at home. i was just like one of the boys.  you could say i was a flirt.  sort of.  well, at least, i wasn't a hypocrite about everything.  some girls in that class opened their legs much earlier than i did.

i used to get offended being called a flirt.  now, i embrace it.  it takes a certain amount of sensuality and wit to become one.  men get erections and women get wet when i use my tongue.  when i use words, i mean.


i used to measure my self-worth based on the approval i got from other people.  i also  thought that if guys liked me, then i was pretty.  i didn't really care that i was smart.  i knew i was smarter than most of them, that's why i didn't really work too hard.  that, and we didn't have a maid.  i had to "work" for my education, unlike some people.  all they had to do was study.  they didn't have to worry about anything else.  they weren't hounded constantly about how hard it was to feed them and put them through school.  anyway, i digress.  i progressed to i-don't-care-about-what-other-people-think-but-at-the-back-of-my-head-i-really-did-even-just-a-little-bit because at some point we all do.  we all want to be cool that way.  that, and while i wanted, strived to be different, i had a father who beat me up if i didn't conform.  well, he would torture me with harsh words first.  when i got immune to the words, he used his fists.  he never spared the rod.  it has its advantages.  it was just an awkward age because you don't want to be scolded and spanked in public (or have to hide the bruises) just because your father wanted to prove a point and your mother was too scared of him to protect you even when he was wrong.

now, i just want people to leave me alone. now, i truly don't give a fuck for as long as i know i'm right and i'm not hurting anyone.  those hits in the head DID give me an idea of right from wrong.  i don't need a man/woman to affirm my self-worth.   i know what i'm worth because i worked hard to be what i am worth.  people respect me because i respect them.  i earned it.

it took me a while before i got to be this cool and not be arrogant about it.  i'm still not perfect, i don't know everything.  but i am honest about these imperfections.  and while i'm not for everyone, i know i am happy with who i am and what God gave me.  i don't need anybody to agree with me to be fulfilled.

yes, that's also why i'm alone.  i don't have the patience to nurse other people's insecurities.

Friday, November 07, 2014

all things bright and beautiful

it's like He put a flourescent lamp in the middle of the sky. so bright and so beautiful.

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Monday, October 27, 2014

not-so-angry girl journal 10.27.14

it's a great feeling when you have friends who say, "what are you feeling? You know i would drive to nova for you..." or, "you know i'm responsible for you, right? So you let me know when you're depressed, okay? Boy or no boy, I'll be there".  or, "i'll make you laugh.  let's try to lower that blood pressure down.  work will always be there, you know, but your good health won't be. so get yourself checked." oh, and this one: "i've said a prayer to God for you, for your health. you make me laugh.  i worry about you when you're not well."
it's so nice to hear these things, as opposed to getting opposite, and i have gotten the opposite from those i've cared deeply for and just disappointed me.  it's great to know someone truly has my back, that someone cares enough to know how i am because they do and not just because they want something. i know now not to expect, and i know now who really matter. 

Friday, October 24, 2014

angry girl journal 10.24.2014

i will try my best not to inflict myself on anyone and neither will i let anybody else's drama infect me.

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i choose to not let things ruin my day. i also choose double fudge brownies.

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i continue to be hopeful that things will be okay.  no matter how much you try to ruin it for me.  you worthless piece of shit.  

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Person of Interest: sometimes it's better not to know

in this fifth episode of Person of Interest, Shaw learns some valuable people skills, Reese remembers Carter while undergoing therapy and Root has some alone time with Finch.

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the episode opens with Reese and Fusco chasing a man up the rooftop who has been caught embezzling money and committed murder to cover it up.  as it is election day, Reese offers the guy a choice between jumping from the rooftop and trying to kill a cop, in which case, one option allows him to leave insurance for his family.  as the perpetrator chooses to shoot Reese instead, Reese quickly turns around and shoots him in the knee cap, thereby causing the captain to give Reese/Det. Riley desk duty until he finishes undergoing therapy.  or as Reese puts it, "Every time I do something good around here, the Department rewards me with carpal tunnel and paper cuts"

the new number is pollster Simon Lee, played by Jason Ritter.  based on the numbers he ran, the incumbent, Governor Murray, will win over challenger Michelle Perez, 52% to 48%.  when Murray loses to Perez, 52-48, he declares that the election was rigged, which was in fact, the doing of Samaritan, as pointed out by Root.

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photo courtesy of

Finch and Root try to find some dirt on Perez that will force her to step down as governor.  this allows Finch to have some one on one time with Root to ask her how long it has been since the Machine had spoken to her.  the communication between Root and the Machine has been limited since Samaritan went online, since it would put all of them in danger.

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my favorite sequence has got to be the standoff shootout between Root and Martine.  we see a wide shot of them shooting each other, Root from the top, Martine from below, while the song Young Men Dead by The Black Angels was playing.  

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this episode also provides flashbacks on when Harold and Nathan were putting together the system.  Harold explains that the system would have unlimited capability, power, and if not governed carefully, it would one day, govern us.  a concept that Samaritan aims to achieve, as it believes that is humanity that must be carefully governed.

while this was an action-packed episode and it never failed to make my heart jump on every scene, it did give me goosebumps and tears.  when Root and Finch were arguing about how Root should not allow the Machine's whims to define her but she perseveres that her life has a purpose, it made me appreciate how her her character has come around. from being a person obsessed with the Machine to one whose ideals of a better world through it, Root has won us over.  not to mention, she has become an important ally of the team and a real friend to Shaw.

and let me just say that i don't agree with other people who hate on both Shaw and Root's characters because Carter died.  i love all of their characters on the show.  we need strong women on tv who do not rely on other men's affirmation or protection to survive.  they did not kill off Carter just so they could squeeze in Root and Shaw.

which brings me to the other scene that made me bawl my eyes out:  on Reese's first session at therapy, the shrink could immediately tell that he was lying and that he was trying to manipulate her.  he was, after all, once an international spy (of course, the doctor doesn't know that), very cunning and smart, indeed.  when he comes back for a second session, Dr. Campbell tells him that he doesn't have to save everyone, Reese becomes serious, melancholic even, when he starts talking about Carter, how she was a great detective who never lost sight of good and evil and how sadly, he couldn't save her.  he feels the need to save everyone because this world is full of bad people.  it won't stop him from trying to save everyone because in her memory, he feels it is his duty to.

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and the end of the day, while the number is saved, in Finch's words, he has been lobotomized and the truth hidden from him.  frankly, the while the number is brilliant, he needed a dose of humble pie.  people make mistakes.  the alternative was to let him die, which is not the purpose of the team.  Root survives and is given yet another identity by the Machine.  she reminds Harold that the Machine needs his guidance because he is the difference between the Machine and Samaritan.

it is about time for the creator and the machine to talk.  

Saturday, October 18, 2014

et tu, Lourd.

i learned that he was going to release his new book Espiritu over at the bookstore so i decided that after the gym i'd hop on over there, get a book and have him sign it.  or,  i could oversleep, wake up, go to the bookstore first and then go to the gym later.

i chose the latter and it's a good thing i did. there was a long queue and i didn't want to miss him. 

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he looked at me and said, "ang ganda mo ah!" and we know i haven't heard that in a while.  

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i told him that years ago after the first album came out i saw him at UST and i tried to chase him. i told him that my ex got pissed off and that the first album mysteriously disappeared.  he said i had a bad ex and he drew this on Book 2 of This Is A Crazy Planets.

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that's why M is an ex, Lourd.

after signing, i said goodbye and he told me i was getting old and that i should wear my glasses.

i like you, too, Lourd.  thanks!  :)

Thursday, October 16, 2014

angry girl journal 10.16.2014

i keep thinking there's a watch there, to check the time.  

then i remember to buy batteries  . . .

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or that i don't have you holding my hand . . . 

Saturday, October 11, 2014

dance, dance, dance

"The memories would slam against me like the waves of an incoming tide, sweeping my body along to a place where I lived with the dead. Powerless, I could go nowhere." 
- Haruki Murakami

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my friend Chris, his "boy" and I went to the Cultural Center of the Philippines Little Theater to watch Jame Cousins Company's twin-bill production  Without Stars | There We Have Been, based on Haruki Murakami's Norwegian Wood. strangely enough, Murakami also has another novel, Dance, Dance, Dance.

James was a friendly and accommodating lad.  i hope he and his company can come visit our country again.

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i was very moved. watching the whole dance made me want to cry. Without Stars reminded me of Cock, for some weird reason. Gareth Mole was a lot like John's character, caught between Albert Garcia and Chihiro Kawasaki.  i was astounded by the simplicity and strength of There We Have Been. the routine was seventeen (17) minutes long but the female lead, Chihiro, barely touched the floor.  kudos to Georges Hann for his strength and stamina.  they never lost a beat.  i loved the show. i wish we could have more of these here.

it makes me sad that shows like this are only available to those who can afford it, when it should be for everyone.  music, poetry, art.  these are what make us feel alive.  they unite all of us, like love.  i refuse to believe that it should be only for a privileged few.  almost everything is accessible to everyone now.  it's sad that the people who should work to make these things available to everyone are the ones who pioneer in exclusion.  it is very disappointing. nevertheless, it didn't take away how much i loved this show.  and i did.  very much.  unlike some people, i don't believe in keeping these things to myself.  i will keep talking about them and making sure everyone knows about them.

yeah, even if means talking to M again.  

i thought so . . .

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if only there were some other way . . . 

Monday, October 06, 2014

where i am king

they said that my late father looked a lot like Robert Arevalo so i thought this would be interesting. i heard the music was good too, as Myke Salomon, a.k.a. Kenny from Rak of Aegis was responsible for musical direction.

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the story is about self-made man, Ricardo Villena, who will lose everything he has due to bad investments, if he doesn't start selling properties.  he chooses to stay in one of his first properties in Tondo, the Alapaap, which has deteriorated, unlike his other properties which are located in posh neighborhoods.  he vowed that if his grandchildren (real-life cousins, Cris Villonco and Rafa Siguion-Reyna) cannot inherit any more money from him, they will inherit balls.  the premise is that they won't really learn to grow a pair unless they live in Tondo.  Anna (Cris) is being forced by her mother to marry her fiance even after learning that he has cheated on her and Ricky has been dropping out because he doesn't want to be an economist or lawyer like his dad.  they follow their grandfather to live in Tondo in the hopes of getting his "first love" to fall in love with him again.  or something like that.

i thought the movie was really good. it's about family, and friendship and fighting for the ones you love, and that even if it is not always the most popular decision on earth, it is your decision, your life.   it is admirable that despite the betrayal of Rez Cortez's  character, their friendship still stood the test.  i didn't see the twist on Don Ricardo's first love coming.  who knew?  it shows how different the world has become, as we know it.  so much has changed in Manila.  there are only 3 songs in the soundtrack (or 2 1/2, when you think about it, since the third song was just a combination of the first two) but they were very powerful songs played at the exact same moment they were needed.

Aiza Seguerra's character, played on her two strengths:  she was a strong lesbian character in the film with a great musical talent.  i also liked Lorenz Martinez's character.   he was pretty silent throughout most of the film and what would've been considered a play on his disability for comic relief, became endearing that he ended up with a lady in the end.

this movie reminded me of my dad, just looking at Robert Arevalo.  but they're two different characters:  my dad was really mean and strong,  while Ricardo is strong but soft.  he really cares.  not that my dad didn't.  it's complicated.  but the movie was great.  i've said here before that the Cinemalaya films are all about love, and this movie is full of it.  

Sunday, October 05, 2014

from the outside looking in

hey there. 

i'm not sure if you remember me or if this is still your email address but i find myself writing to you again anyway.  i had meant to write you sooner, like a year ago sooner, right after i saw you and a friend (more like crashed your dinner for a photo op) last year but life got in the way.  i was moving to a new role, i was trying to sort of get over the "break up" with my pseudo-boyfriend, it was a mess.  in short, life got in the way.  i really wanted to apologize for bringing up your ex and asking about her. i didn't know and i'm sorry i did.  i honestly didn't know what happened.  i know it's none of my business or my fault for asking but it didn't really help that i did.  after i crashed your dinner.

i really felt that apology was overdue when i read what you wrote.  i felt your pain.  and then i wondered what happened.  she was your best friend and you loved her so much.  i know i wasn't exactly that close to you - we only hung out a few times.  well, i tagged along wherever you were like a really bad stalker on a Friday night, just looking to see where you would go and who you would meet after work (no wonder, i didn't become a lawyer) and you were someone i thought i'd share things with, thoughts i couldn't share with anyone.  i know i could share them with someone else but i felt safe sharing them with you.    i was comfortable around you, confiding in you.  you had a total of three readers then, you said, although i was pretty sure apart from your family and your then wife, you had friends who were interested about the latest book, movie, or album you were into. i felt like you were that someone who would always be there, every Friday at least.  the column, the radio show.  someone who wouldn't let me down.  i know for sure you have more than three readers now.  i couldn't listen to the radio all the time.  i was in the night shift.  i still am.  anyway, i digress. point is, i didn't have to be your friend-friend to know how much you loved her.  i felt bad that that trip to that place was hard for you, because you also remembered your other friend.  whom i didn't know.  i won't pretend to know your pain, but i am sorry for your loss.  i do know it gets better though.  i'm going to stop right there.

i couldn't forget about you because for someone who didn't really know me that much, you welcomed me into your home, you brought me places, introduced me to friends like you and i  were friends for the longest time.  you treated me as a friend. you thought i was a good writer.  i couldn't get over that.  it was an honor for me, and i am truly grateful.  it made me write more until i got better.   that and ikaw lang ang nagsabi na nai-table ako ng mga lalaki.  bet you don't remember that either.  :)

i hope you are always well.  i hope that you're in a better place now than you were then.  and i do hope to catch up.  i owe you a beer this time.  although i don't know how that'll work.  i don't even know you'll get to read this.  but i hope you take care and you become more successful.  thank you for believing in me, when no one else did. thank you for inspiring me.  thank you for the bright idea that is the highlight of my September 2014.  

have a great life.

still your fan,

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

it shouldn't be so hard to get by anymore

ten years ago, i wrote that it was hard for me to get by because i was a bisexual and i always had to explain myself to people why i was, am the way i am, and i love the way i love.

today is International Bisexuality Day!

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i still have to explain myself to people, especially those who live under a rock or may have been misled growing up that homosexuality is a disease.  but like i said, these are great times to be who you are, and to be free to love who you love.  i am grateful to those who sacrificed their lives so that we can enjoy these simple freedoms.

i won't always be understood.  i won't always be loved for who i am, or what i do.  but i will never be ashamed.  

Saturday, September 20, 2014

if only i could afford a glass house

i had the great fortune of staying in this house for two days because of the generosity of a good friend. with just my salary, i don't think i could afford staying here, considering that the kitchen alone is worth P2.1M.  it was such a beautiful and peaceful place that i didn't mind not visiting any other place in Bohol. the owner is a very sweet, warm and grounded woman who welcomed me into her home. i felt safe.

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maybe when i can afford it, or when i'm close enough to the owner, i can bug her about going back and staying for another weekend.  forgive the really boring captions.

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this is the patio.

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this is the living room leading to the pool.

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this painting was done by the owner of the house for a client who didn't pick it up anymore.

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had i come with my lover (if i had one), this would've been the bed and room where we would stay

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this is the painting on each of the floors of the rooms

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this is the room where my friend and i stayed

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this is the mural in the bathroom

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a view of the staircase and the table by the window. if you look closely, there is a statuette of a little girl sitting down underneath the staircase. i couldn't get her up close without causing danger to myself. i don't know how they put her there.

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this is the staircase to the living room that leads to the swimming pool

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i really liked this table right here by the window.

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this is the lamp by the wall

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this is the day bed right in the living room

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these two were fixtures in the bathroom shelf.

i had a great time.  hopefully, next time, i bring you there with me.  i know YOU can afford it. 

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

somebody's all packed and ready to go :)

all set for Bohol! 

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we're ready to take a break.  eat. drink wine.  swim. write.  

Saturday, September 13, 2014

angry girl journal 09.13.2014

I've been a bad bad girl
I've been careless
With a delicate man
And it's a sad sad world
When a girl will break a boy
Just because she can

- Criminal, Fiona Apple

while this has been a topic of discussion between me and my friends, i haven't really written about it because i am embarrassed.  writing about it acknowledges that it is in fact, real and happening as opposed to just ignoring it until it dies a natural death.  i talk about it with friends not because i have a habit of bragging about things like this.  it just actually is a source of amusement for me, not that anyone's feelings getting hurt, if they are in fact hurt, are my idea of entertainment.

my boxing trainer is courting me.

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i feel awkward saying this because i was already in sixth grade when he was born.  i don't feel comfortable with the idea that a younger guy is courting me.  it is flattering, that i can admit to.  it's the basis of my amusement.  but it stops there.  i don't even take him seriously.  and after that last asshole, i really find it difficult to take anyone who says they love me on a romantic level seriously.

it's not like i totally shut off the idea.  i've thought about it, but i didn't like it.  i'm not young anymore and those things like, "Mahal kita, maging sino ka man!*", they don't fly anymore these days.  the better part of me is saying, "oh no, you don't.  not again!"

for starters, apart from the age gap, there is the language barrier.  i'm going to sound like a total ass for saying this, but there are times, well, most of the time, when the initial thought that pops into my head, is in English.  it's always been that way, ever since i was young and that's how it is at work.  i can't always translate what i have in my head to Filipino just so i can bridge the gap between me and my trainer.  i had to do that with the ex-father of my almost child, where i had to explain to him why he had to pick me up every Sunday afternoon after debate.  i even had to explain what debate was.  and i was younger then, i had more patience and i still believed that, "love conquers all".  i couldn't talk to him about my debates.  i had to wait the next day to talk to my friends about it. and even with friends, i had to wait for the other set of friends to talk about the debates.

i can't always dumb down.  i'm not even that smart.  i respect people who try to make an honest living.  and while i know my boxing trainer can trade punches with me, take care of me, give me a great massage and he probably has the stamina of a bull during sex (my friends' words, not mine.  i don't even think about him that way.  although he probably could give a mean cunnilingus), i can't go home to someone i can't bounce off ideas to. a lover for me, is still someone whom you can talk to about anything under the sun.  a lover should be your best friend.

there's also the part where i have to "dress" him up so he would look age appropriate beside me. given the great disparity in our sources of income, i would have to pay all the time whenever we'd go out and i don't want to have to do that anymore. i don't want to be that person again.   i did that with the ex-father of my almost child.  i did that with M.  i did that with that asshole pseudo-boyfriend for four years and i refuse to believe that that is the story of my romantic life.  whether or not love exists, i don't want it to ever come up as being part of the equation.  i am not ready to open up my world when i think that is concern; i am too scared to open up to other people as it is, without that looming over my head.  there are things i cannot compromise.

i want to be loved for me.  not my body, not my connections, not my money, BUT ME.  

right now, i can't even imagine why people would love me for being me (since i'm still learning to love myself more)  but i want that to be the sole reason.

so there.  i'm a criminal.

*I love you, whoever you are (or whatever you are)

Sunday, September 07, 2014

angry girl journal 09.07.2014

wow . . . i'm feeling like a tinedyer.  ten years have passed and i still have this crush on you.

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and you don't know i exist.  well, you do, i'm just not in your universe.

and all this realization occurs while Aegis is playing in the background:

" . . . sa isang sulok na lang, umiibig sa'yo, sinta . . ."

white devil

when i was in first year college, i was diagnosed as having a kidney stone.  it was about one centimeter in diameter.  it caused me a lot of pain.  this was brought about by a lot of sodium in my diet, so i was told to drink lots of water and to make sure i stay away from salty foods.  when i was younger, i really loved tinapang bangus and itlog na maalat.  the cheese flavored chips, i stayed away from, but those two breakfast favorites were a little hard to give up.  i would indulge myself every once in a while with the salted egg mixed with tomatoes but i cannot eat dried fish anymore.  people think i'm a picky eater.  it's not a case of "won't" folks, but "can't".

i've managed to quit smoking.  i didn't have any insane urges like most people do.  i held out pretty well as far as cigarettes, and we've already established that i enjoy my simple poisons in controlled amounts like wine, chips, assholes;  but i cannot for the life of me, quit . . .


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yes, the staple food of the Philippines, i cannot quit.  the longest i've been without it is three months and i cannot imagine what it would be like to eat adobo, menudo, laing, pakbet, grilled liempo, ginisang monggo or pork sisig without it.  i really admire people who are able to let go of it completely.  me? it's still a struggle to get half when you're so used to getting a whole serving.  i mean, why would you cut your heart in half like that?

even with the one thousand two hundred calorie diet i as in for three weeks, they didn't cut rice. it was brown, it was healthy, but they never took it out completely.  ultimately i know that i should get used to it someday, being without it.  it's one of those love affairs you can't seem to be without.  guess i have to learn to manage. . soon.

Challenge Accepted.

Saturday, September 06, 2014

supporting the arts amidst wardrobe malfunctions

i had the great misfortune of having the zipper of my dress ruined a few minutes before the show.  thank God for wonderful human beings who were equipped with safety pins and a cardigan.  there is a place in heaven for you!

my wardrobe crisis averted:

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my friends and i watched the presentation Musikal! at the Cultural Center of the Philippines for the CCP's 45th anniversary.  it featured highlights from the best Filipino musicals ever staged, even the ones which were not even held in the CCP.  my favorites, of course, were Caredivas, Rock Supremo, Zsazsa Zaturnnah, and Rak of Aegis.

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after watching this show, i realized that there were so many Filipino musicals that my friends and i missed and it would've been nice if we did see them.  everyone in this show was spectacular.

the song by Ebe Dancel, Lakambini from Neo-Rock Supremo, never fails to capture my heart and bring tears to my eyes.  so poignant and powerful.  i don't think i have to point out how much i love Rak of Aegis.  i watched it three times, and while the story doesn't change, my experience is different every time.

much of my enthusiasm comes with being infatuated with Jerald Napoles, who sang with both the Rak of Aegis and Caredivas ensembles.  i thought he was really pretty, with his bunny ears.  the bouquet of flowers he held while singing was reminiscent of Madonna's Like a Virgin.  undoubtedly, the husband and wife tandem of Robert Seña and Isay Alvarez-Seña were unstoppable; both had power vocally, they could light up the CCP Main Theater.   definitely, the most hardworking of them all, would have to be, Myke Salomon.  Myke plays a dual role in Rak of Aegis, acting both as Kenny, and as its musical director.  Myke sang the title song from Magsimula Ka, then came back as Faraj for Mysterious, singing to Chelsea (Melvin Lee) and then re-emerged as the other Kayla (Jerald did the birit intro this time) with the rest of the  Caredivas ensemble. and while Lea Salonga didn't perform, i thought that her presence in the event was more than enough.  it was truly a great night to remember and not just because my zipper was broken.

Mabuhay ang Original Filipino Musicals! 

angry girl journal 09.06.2014

i don't believe in ghosts.  i'm not scared of them, either.  i believe in the possibility that random circumstances occur and coincidences lead one to believe that ghosts might exist.  but i'm not afraid of them.  living alone has taught me that. besides, i'm too old to be afraid of ghosts.

in fact, i don't mind seeing my family one last time.  even if they appear to me as ghosts.  kinda like when Harry Potter saw his parents, and Cedric.  i want to be able to tell them how sorry i was that things weren't better, that i wasn't better.  i want to be able to tell them how much i love them one last time, tell them that every thing i do, whatever i try to be, i dedicate to them.

i am, however, afraid of human beings.  they are far scarier creatures.  you give them love and affection, you show them kindness, and they will stab you in the back.  not like animals.  we shouldn't compare because that's a great disservice to animals.  people are worse.  they plot against you and do mean and cruel things to hurt your feelings.  they are vile.

i know because i am human and i am capable of all of those things.  i don't do them but i know given the proper amount of provocation, i just might.  

Thursday, September 04, 2014

Eraserheads-Esquire Day

i knew there was a reason why my body wanted me to get out of bed this afternoon.  luckily, i listened to my body and got the last copy of the store for the day.

i held my breath, making sure not to ruin the inlay as i was removing the cd slowly from the page.

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truth be told, i really hated it when the Eraserheads were referred to as, "The Beatles of the Philippines". for starters, they weren't cheap imitations, they weren't trying to be versions of the Fab Four from Liverpool.  if there were any similarities, it would be the effect of their music to our generation.  but if there were any local band who would recreate this scene from Abbey Road, there would be no one worthy, to my heart and mind, other than the Eraserheads.

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Tuesday, September 02, 2014

you tell them, Meryl

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“I no longer have patience for certain things, not because I’ve become arrogant, but simply because I reached a point in my life where I do not want to waste more time with what displeases me or hurts me. I have no patience for cynicism, excessive criticism and demands of any nature. I lost the will to please those who do not like me, to love those who do not love me and to smile at those who do not want to smile at me. I no longer spend a single minute on those who lie or want to manipulate. I decided not to coexist anymore with pretense, hypocrisy, dishonesty and cheap praise. I do not tolerate selective erudition nor academic arrogance. I do not adjust either to popular gossiping. I hate conflict and comparisons. I believe in a world of opposites and that’s why I avoid people with rigid and inflexible personalities. In friendship I dislike the lack of loyalty and betrayal. I do not get along with those who do not know how to give a compliment or a word of encouragement. Exaggerations bore me and I have difficulty accepting those who do not like animals. And on top of everything I have no patience for anyone who does not deserve my patience.”
- words by José Micard Teixeira, lived by Meryl Streep

both have no patience for superficial and trivial things.  and neither do i.

Sunday, August 31, 2014

not-so-angry girl journal 08.31.2014


i am fortunate to live at a time when it's perfectly okay for two men or two women who love each other to hold hands in public, especially in a jeepney.  not in the bus, nor in a train, but in a jeepney.

a jeepney allows people to face their co-passengers, whether they like it or not, and if you're stuck in traffic, that's a really long time to be holding hands or to be ashamed of who you are.  i am glad that people can be unapologetic and proud in a jeepney, holding the hands of the people they love and not be afraid of being persecuted.

these are great times.



i haven't met anyone, friend or lover, who felt so strongly about me, who can say to someone else, "hey, you're hurting Bels, so back the fuck off!" or, "why would anybody want to hurt Bels? she's such a sweet and loving person!"

nope, i haven't yet. it would be awesome though, if i did, because i know i would do it for them.



i could not have asked for a better set of friends, co-workers, team, family.  i am overwhelmed by the love i am getting that if i had a heart, it would be broken.  i am grateful, Lord, that i am blessed by Your Presence, through these people, in my life; and for the first time in so many years, i look out the window on the 27th of August and the sun is up.

thank You so much :)

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

some birthday wishes do get granted

about a month ago, i called out to the universe, asking if either Jared Leto or Charlie Sutcliffe could play guitar and sing me, "Maligayang Bati" for today and until now i'm still waiting. nine hours left.

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for now, i am grateful for birthdays and the fact that guys who don't normally think you're fucking pretty will give you a hug and a kiss on the cheek

Sunday, August 24, 2014

not-so-angry girl journal 08.24.2014

i am normally sullen this time of year but i am surprisingly cheerful, that even i am pleased with myself.

i am truly grateful for all the wonderful people that God introduced into my life and for the ones whom He took away, for my own good.

i will never stop ranting and whining about something, or someone, that much i know.  but i'm not as angry anymore.

Saturday, August 23, 2014

The Rabbit Hole: heavy drama, great acting

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i first heard about The Rabbit Hole because of my fixation with John Gallagher, Jr.  i had a crush on him ever since he played Moritz on Spring Awakening.  before American Idiot, he played the role of the 17-year old Jason Willette, who accidentally ran over Danny, Becca and Howie's four-year old son, who was trying to follow the dog while it was crossing the street.

the play itself is very heavy. both Becca and Howie struggle to move on and get by and it is difficult since they each have a different pace in grieving their son's death.

my friend and i thought that Michael Williams had to be a little bit bipolar, rehearsing for the Rabbit Hole while doing Priscilla, Queen of the Desert's Miss Understanding.  after our photo op, he did admit that it was a bit difficult at first, but everything turned out for the best, as seen in this play.  you felt Becca and Howie's pain even as they tried to interact with each other and even more difficult having to face Jason, who wanted to make amends for Danny's death.  it was also painful for me, watching the guy playing Jason, as i imagine he would not be as brilliant as John Gallagher, Jr.

i liked the play, i just thought it was very heavy.  would i see it again?  maybe not.  i have my own drama to deal with.  

angry girl journal 08.22.2014

i met with my classmates from high school earlier today because a friend came home from Canada with his family.  our class doesn't meet anymore unless somebody comes home from abroad.  he was surprised the people here in manila didn't know anything about each other anymore.

you took me home, Link, thank you.  i don't feel anything for you anymore, but it did hurt a little bit when she made a comment about you and your pastimes.  i mean, nobody really knows we were sleeping together, save for the other guy i slept with.  but that reminder that you (or that other guy) didn't see me as someone anyone would want to have a future with, was a bit devastating.  not to mention that ignorant and insensitive remark about me and the gay guy ending up together because we were the only ones from the class who were not yet married.


come on.  while all of you were trying to be nice in order to search for a suitable life partner, i was busy trying to become a lawyer. that, and becoming a better daughter to my asshole dad.  it didn't work out for me, the better daughter part, or the lawyer part, but we all know how awesome i am now that married men want to sleep with me.


i opened myself to the idea that i could be in the same room again with the people who didn't like me very much in high school and tried to forget the part where i was trying to prove myself, whether that i'm better now or that they shouldn't have underestimated me then.  i am such a loving person now than who i was twenty years ago, and maybe that's why Annabel wasn't as well-adjusted as Bels is.  in a way, maybe Annabel needed to be awkward in order for Bels to emerge as the wonderful person that she is now.

so there.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

if i were a barber . . .


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that's how i would describe Eugene Domingo's performance for Barber's Tales.  i last saw Uge (her nickname in showbiz) in Bona and i loved her.  i thought she had so much depth, you wonder why, how she is able to do comedy.  but then it has been said more than once,“The people that bring the most laughter into the world, are usually the ones hiding the most pain.”

Barber's Tales is set in 1975, a few years after Ferdinand Marcos declared Martial Law and the rebels a.k.a. The New People's Army were working their way into the provinces as a way to develop awareness in the Filipino citizens and start a revolution.

Eugene Domingo is Marilou, the town barber, Jose's (Daniel Fernando) wife.  this was set at a time when women were very submissive to their husbands.  the first few scenes made me cringe.  when Jose dies, she inherits the town's barbershop, a business that has been passed down by generations of men in her husband's family.  being a woman, although just as skilled, she is unable to attract any customers, save for the endorsement of the town parish priest, played brilliantly by Eddie Garcia. when her godson, Edmond (another wonderful performance from Nicco Manalo here), who is among the rebels from the NPA, seeks her help because his comrade is wounded, Marilou reaches out to his sister who happens to be one of the prostitutes in the town brothel, Rosa.  note that Rosa is the same prostitute that Jose used to see when he was still alive.  while Marilou knows this fact, she didn't hesitate to help Edmond and Rosa.  Rosa then encourages her clientele to get their haircuts from Marilou or she will tell on their wives.

Marilou also develops a friendship with Cecilia, the town mayor's wife and Marilou is put in a difficult situation, working as the mayor's barber, a supporter of the rebels and Cecilia's friend.

this movie took so much from me.  it made me laugh, cry, cringe, angry.  not too many people know what it was like during the Martial Law era. some people choose to forget and those who enjoy the freedom we have now, waste it.  they will never know the struggle people for us to be where we are today. i am just as grateful to them as i am to have been able to see this movie.  

Thursday, August 14, 2014

angry girl journal 08.14.14

this is a birthday note that i received from my Dad.  he always called me very mean names when he got angry but he called me weirder names as terms of endearment.

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neither of us knew that would be our last year together.

i'm going to stop right here.