Wednesday, December 11, 2013

sunny disposition. right.

people who have known me for a long time know that i'm not famous for my sunny disposition. i am known for being a workaholic, a good singer, writer, stalker. and one of my biggest areas of opportunity is being too transparent: when i'm sad, stressed or angry, you will know a mile away.  i don't smile!

so when one of my co-workers told me that she likes seeing me because "you're always smiling.  it's like you don't have any problems.  you always seem to have a sunny disposition . . .", it blew me away. it was the first time i heard someone say that about me, the fact that i am unable to convey, through her eyes the heavy burden i bear, the tasks i need done. it's like when people compliment me and tell me i'm "blooming" when i'm actually miserable and hollow inside. WOW.  she went on to ask if i had any kids or a family and i told her how pathetic i was. lels. our other colleague told her about how devoted i was towards my work and then she said, "you're probably a really very loving person. i can tell because you look really happy all the time".  so again, when i told her that people never really take me seriously, she couldn't believe it. i just joked about how guys only want either my money or my body, but it's actually true.

i know for a fact, and this isn't just me tooting my horn here that i will be missed. i know they already do miss me where i came from.  i do have that effect on people.

everywhere i go, whatever it is that i do, i only long for one thing: to make a difference.  whether we spent five minutes, five hours, five years together, i want to make that lasting impression, i want to make that moment count; love me or hate me, you will remember me somehow.  because i'll never have that time back again and neither will you.  so i don't want to waste it.

***
in all that time i've been doing that, i never let it get to my head, i did my best and i always kept in mind that all my actions weren't just a reflection of me but of the higher power i represent. so when i hear people say that they don't like him because you're doing a lousy job, it hurts me because i spent a great portion of my life just protecting him and all the good he stands for.  i do my best to make good working relationships.  it hurts me that i did my job and i know that i didn't get there without the help of others while here you are getting credit for someone else's work.  you are very fortunate that he is a wonderful human being and i hope you realize that before all your shortcomings catch up with you. 

one can only pretend for so long.