Monday, December 23, 2013

angry girl journal 12.23.2013: house arrest due to sickness

one of the advantages of being on "house arrest" because of sickness is that i get to avoid the Christmas rush and the horrible traffic that comes with it.  i've seen too many pissed off feeds on my Facebook account to know i'm fortunate to be stuck at home.

the disadvantage though, is that i haven't gotten anyone anything yet, or done any shopping for me. also, i don't get to do my annual tradition of visiting the office guards and service masters. i especially miss the ones in my original building.  they were all so nice to me and these past six months i was away i felt the difference, the advantages of being in your "home court".  the people in this other building are nice, but only because most of them know me from the other building. LOL.

i get to write, catch up on my reading and all the tv series i missed because of the long hours i spent at work, if i wasn't commuting to or from it.  but i also saw my life with you, with them, the past years of my life. alone in this house i got to "review" all of that. what an idiot i was. i laugh about it now but i was so fucking stupid for so long and it still hurts me knowing all that time you used me. you never respected me.  you never cared about me.  we will never go back to the way it was and i really don't want to go back to the parasitical relationship we had where you preyed on my need to be needed so that i could feed your gambling addiction.  me paiyak-iyak ka pa*. remembering all of that just makes me so angry and so sad.

i really wanted to travel.  i had hoped to travel with him, but as it turns out he is no different from you.  different animal, same core, same fucking liar.  me pagdrama pa siya na magkaiba daw kayo**, that just because you hurt me it doesn't mean that he would too. now, if there's one takeaway from those four years i let myself be deluded by you was that there are just some things which are too good to be true.  the downside is, i lose so many people.  i push them away so bad before i let them in, before they can start caring about me because i don't allow them in my life.  i'm too scared they might hurt me the way you did.

anyway, i digress.  i really wanted to travel.  but i can't even do simple things here in the house, you know, like SIT or LIE DOWN.  LOL.  can't even exercise or do any other strenuous activity. NO SEX. LOL.  no wine drinking. *sigh* hopefully i can go meet some of my friends, at least.

so, travel.  2014 will be a busy year.  i know because my new boss warned me so, but i'm hopeful that i will get to unwind and travel.  whether alone or with someone (friends, someone special, friends lol), i will travel.  i have to.  

*you even cried
**he acted out and said that the two of you were different.