Friday, December 13, 2013

angry girl journal 12.13.2013

i must've done something good.  i still can't believe it.

hours before my operation i received news about the post i have been praying for:  i will do no rejoicing and i don't really want to let anybody know until i see it in black and white.  i mean, they might change their minds over the holidays while i'm away, right?  i wouldn't consider it final until it is.  although i will be smiling the whole time, like all thirty-two of my teeth will be out.  God is great.  life is great.

***

i tried to make peace with you.  i really did.  i didn't want to die on the operating table without making peace with everyone.  hell, i even reached out to him ("any chance i will get paid this year?") for good measure. of course, he didn't reply.   what do you expect, right?  i have to admit that i did miss you.  i would like to think you and i had fun together and that you did care about me, apart from the fact that you did try with me.  we didn't really have to go back to the way things were, flirting and all, i thought we had a friendship.  but then you were being difficult,  you were being who you really were:  an ass.  and people like you are supposed to be better than sinners like me.

you don't get to flip the switch on me, get mad and accuse me of being vague. YOU JUST FUCKING CAN'T.   you know what you did. YOU KNOW WHAT SHIT I'M REFERRING TO.  you pretended to care about me.  you know that you lied to me.  i don't have to explain.  it is common knowledge how you break the ladies' hearts.  they just weren't aware that you dared to try to break mine.

***

i'm a very difficult person to live with.  i am such a strong and independent character.  i have been so used to living alone, doing everything on my own that i don't rely on anyone.  i do have the tendency to push away the people who care about me.  it's a character flaw.  i find it difficult to ask people for help.  i don't want to be a burden to other people.  besides, when i don't rely on people, the less disappointed i become when they're not there.

***

i was going for Gogo Yubari but i ended up looking like Britney Spears in the process.  it's all good.

 photo gogobels_zps18753e17.jpg