Thursday, December 26, 2013

if i needed to know what love was, this book could help

i had this book for a while but i didn't get to start reading it until the day i was scheduled to be operated on. i didn't get to finish it then so i started over.  there were lots of really cool definitions in it.

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from the writer of Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, this book is a delight in the sense that it is not like any of the books i've read. it tells the story of a guy who met somebody online, how they started dating and then when she (yes, i had to read it twice, at least, to know this was a heterosexual love story but it is relatable enough that it might as well be homosexual) moved in, how she had this drinking problem and when she cheated, how he knew it was over. the story is not  told in chronological order but instead arranged alphabetically like dictionary entries that describe bits and pieces of the relationship, its joys and its sorrows.

this is the "healthy" i am used to, by the way. 

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***
i had to hear your voice.  i missed you.

it wasn't a matter of life and death and i could very well survive the next few days without having to hear from you but it was nice that i could.  i got used to having you as part of my day.  either way, i would've been fine but i am glad that you are there and that i know you are, even if i can't.  we can't. 

Monday, December 23, 2013

angry girl journal 12.23.2013: house arrest due to sickness

one of the advantages of being on "house arrest" because of sickness is that i get to avoid the Christmas rush and the horrible traffic that comes with it.  i've seen too many pissed off feeds on my Facebook account to know i'm fortunate to be stuck at home.

the disadvantage though, is that i haven't gotten anyone anything yet, or done any shopping for me. also, i don't get to do my annual tradition of visiting the office guards and service masters. i especially miss the ones in my original building.  they were all so nice to me and these past six months i was away i felt the difference, the advantages of being in your "home court".  the people in this other building are nice, but only because most of them know me from the other building. LOL.

i get to write, catch up on my reading and all the tv series i missed because of the long hours i spent at work, if i wasn't commuting to or from it.  but i also saw my life with you, with them, the past years of my life. alone in this house i got to "review" all of that. what an idiot i was. i laugh about it now but i was so fucking stupid for so long and it still hurts me knowing all that time you used me. you never respected me.  you never cared about me.  we will never go back to the way it was and i really don't want to go back to the parasitical relationship we had where you preyed on my need to be needed so that i could feed your gambling addiction.  me paiyak-iyak ka pa*. remembering all of that just makes me so angry and so sad.

i really wanted to travel.  i had hoped to travel with him, but as it turns out he is no different from you.  different animal, same core, same fucking liar.  me pagdrama pa siya na magkaiba daw kayo**, that just because you hurt me it doesn't mean that he would too. now, if there's one takeaway from those four years i let myself be deluded by you was that there are just some things which are too good to be true.  the downside is, i lose so many people.  i push them away so bad before i let them in, before they can start caring about me because i don't allow them in my life.  i'm too scared they might hurt me the way you did.

anyway, i digress.  i really wanted to travel.  but i can't even do simple things here in the house, you know, like SIT or LIE DOWN.  LOL.  can't even exercise or do any other strenuous activity. NO SEX. LOL.  no wine drinking. *sigh* hopefully i can go meet some of my friends, at least.

so, travel.  2014 will be a busy year.  i know because my new boss warned me so, but i'm hopeful that i will get to unwind and travel.  whether alone or with someone (friends, someone special, friends lol), i will travel.  i have to.  

*you even cried
**he acted out and said that the two of you were different.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

yes, even the coffee planner is sensitive

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this is the entry on the Starbucks planner for today, the 22nd of December.

so if i am alone, should i be checking on me or people alone, like myself?

and the people who have the planner who know fully well that i am alone, would it make them any less thoughtful if they didn't check on me?

like i said, i have no problems being alone.  God has been watching over and taking care of me for all this time.  even if i am a sinner, He loves me.  He never stopped loving me.  it sounds weird coming from me, i know, but i am grateful to be loved and taken care of.  

so to anybody else out there who is like me, and by that, i mean alone and not weird or crazy, remember that you are not truly alone. there is a Higher Power out there watching over you.  

Sunday, December 15, 2013

i couldn't get it off my head because i could've written it myself

he took the words right out of my mouth, and you know i am not one to run out of words.

these were words i would've sung to you . . .

Say Something
A Great Big World

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I am feeling so small.
It was over my head
I know nothing at all.

And I will stumble and fall.
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I will swallow my pride.
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
And anywhere, I would have followed you.
Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I'm giving up on you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
Say something...

Saturday, December 14, 2013

angry girl journal 12.14.2013

let's face it.  if not for this operation i wouldn't really take a break.

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so, some fairly cute male nurses have been assigned to me since yesterday. there are just certain things they can't help me with but i should be good. there's something hot about those scrubs, i just have to say, though. it's like they were uncomfortable assisting me.  they were trying to avoid any sexual harassment charges, i guess. i had no problem, really.  i knew they were doing their jobs.  and they did do a great job of taking care of me.

i got this book when Chris visited.  he brought over chocolates too.  it's pretty amazing, so far.  it encourages you to think out of the box and do something other people won't normally do.  while it is a big risk to go against the system,  there are times when you can reap the most benefits from doing so.  

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Friday, December 13, 2013

angry girl journal 12.13.2013

i must've done something good.  i still can't believe it.

hours before my operation i received news about the post i have been praying for:  i will do no rejoicing and i don't really want to let anybody know until i see it in black and white.  i mean, they might change their minds over the holidays while i'm away, right?  i wouldn't consider it final until it is.  although i will be smiling the whole time, like all thirty-two of my teeth will be out.  God is great.  life is great.

***

i tried to make peace with you.  i really did.  i didn't want to die on the operating table without making peace with everyone.  hell, i even reached out to him ("any chance i will get paid this year?") for good measure. of course, he didn't reply.   what do you expect, right?  i have to admit that i did miss you.  i would like to think you and i had fun together and that you did care about me, apart from the fact that you did try with me.  we didn't really have to go back to the way things were, flirting and all, i thought we had a friendship.  but then you were being difficult,  you were being who you really were:  an ass.  and people like you are supposed to be better than sinners like me.

you don't get to flip the switch on me, get mad and accuse me of being vague. YOU JUST FUCKING CAN'T.   you know what you did. YOU KNOW WHAT SHIT I'M REFERRING TO.  you pretended to care about me.  you know that you lied to me.  i don't have to explain.  it is common knowledge how you break the ladies' hearts.  they just weren't aware that you dared to try to break mine.

***

i'm a very difficult person to live with.  i am such a strong and independent character.  i have been so used to living alone, doing everything on my own that i don't rely on anyone.  i do have the tendency to push away the people who care about me.  it's a character flaw.  i find it difficult to ask people for help.  i don't want to be a burden to other people.  besides, when i don't rely on people, the less disappointed i become when they're not there.

***

i was going for Gogo Yubari but i ended up looking like Britney Spears in the process.  it's all good.

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Wednesday, December 11, 2013

sunny disposition. right.

people who have known me for a long time know that i'm not famous for my sunny disposition. i am known for being a workaholic, a good singer, writer, stalker. and one of my biggest areas of opportunity is being too transparent: when i'm sad, stressed or angry, you will know a mile away.  i don't smile!

so when one of my co-workers told me that she likes seeing me because "you're always smiling.  it's like you don't have any problems.  you always seem to have a sunny disposition . . .", it blew me away. it was the first time i heard someone say that about me, the fact that i am unable to convey, through her eyes the heavy burden i bear, the tasks i need done. it's like when people compliment me and tell me i'm "blooming" when i'm actually miserable and hollow inside. WOW.  she went on to ask if i had any kids or a family and i told her how pathetic i was. lels. our other colleague told her about how devoted i was towards my work and then she said, "you're probably a really very loving person. i can tell because you look really happy all the time".  so again, when i told her that people never really take me seriously, she couldn't believe it. i just joked about how guys only want either my money or my body, but it's actually true.

i know for a fact, and this isn't just me tooting my horn here that i will be missed. i know they already do miss me where i came from.  i do have that effect on people.

everywhere i go, whatever it is that i do, i only long for one thing: to make a difference.  whether we spent five minutes, five hours, five years together, i want to make that lasting impression, i want to make that moment count; love me or hate me, you will remember me somehow.  because i'll never have that time back again and neither will you.  so i don't want to waste it.

***
in all that time i've been doing that, i never let it get to my head, i did my best and i always kept in mind that all my actions weren't just a reflection of me but of the higher power i represent. so when i hear people say that they don't like him because you're doing a lousy job, it hurts me because i spent a great portion of my life just protecting him and all the good he stands for.  i do my best to make good working relationships.  it hurts me that i did my job and i know that i didn't get there without the help of others while here you are getting credit for someone else's work.  you are very fortunate that he is a wonderful human being and i hope you realize that before all your shortcomings catch up with you. 

one can only pretend for so long. 

Sunday, December 08, 2013

bels over flowers

i've been having this insane yearning for white roses, i don't know why. it's weird because i'm not really into flowers.

it wouldn't hurt though, if . . .

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Sunday, December 01, 2013

Person of Interest: even Big Brother is a sappy romantic

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"You changed my mind, Joss.

Then changed me . . . "

maybe it's the sappy romantic in me who sees John flirting with Zoe but knows he's really in love with Joss. it's not even a frigging love story, Person of Interest, but that scene got me.

of course, Taraji Henson gets killed off in the same episode so we never get to see how the Reese-Carter romance turns out.

Reese was always a mysterious character, like his employer Finch, but both are also romantic people.  Finch gave up being with Grace because he knew that if he stayed with her, it would only endanger her life.  Reese, having lost the person he loved the most, is very guarded, like Finch, about his past and his heart but he has a soft spot for Joss and would go out of his way to protect her.

let's not forget, it was the Machine who paved the way for Grace and Harold's romance and it is what led Finch to Reese when he bailed him out while being interrogated by Carter. in a way, you could say that the Machine inherited some "human" qualities and played Cupid with the two main characters' lives.

the show may be a crime drama but there is certainly some romance comedy in there. every once in a while, when you're not paying attention, Finch or Reese will throw in a joke somewhere.  and while it may take a while for either of them to "fall in love", so to speak, since there are so many people out there to save, i know the Machine will maneuver it somehow. 

Big Brother, after all, sees and hears everything.