Saturday, November 30, 2013

angry girl journal 11.30.2013

i get mad every time i think about you, talk about you. sometimes, i'm not sure i'm still mad at you, or if i'm mad at myself for loving you, believing you for so long.

but that's just it: i did love you. i'm done.  i'm over it. i just need to pick up the pieces and make sure it doesn't happen again with someone else.  assuming i still have something left in me to give, assuming i'd even allow anybody in.

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this is the first picture that you and i had together, the one i hold close to my heart.  it's like our song.  no matter how mad i am with you, no matter how much you hurt me, no matter where you are:  i would like to think, no, wait, i know, that if anyone asks you or i what our song is, we would have the same answer.

***

if and when i do see you, i'm just going to smile.  my anger, my disappointment in you has already passed.  i have forgiven you.  you know who you are.  you know WHAT  you are. and i shouldn't have to explain. 

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

angry girl journal 11.26.2013

Nathan gave me the news.  i just need Mike to confirm.

i know how hard it is for Nathan to let me go.  he and i have been working together for so long.  you could say that we've been each other's comfort zones, but like i said before: i don't want to stay working for him and then have to resent him later on because i never got to do something else.

i know. don't ask for a bigger job. make your job bigger.  i have.  i have built this for others to start on.  i have empowered my peers.  i have showed them that we are essential and effective partners of the business.  and more importantly, that we can leverage on this role to move on to something else.  this is not a dead end job.  it is just as Nathan said, this is an opportunity for greater things, better things.  and i will embrace it with my whole heart.

i am excited because i've always wanted to work with Mike.  you can say i've had this big crush on him (regardless of what people thought of him), even when he was still my client.  i was really happy i moved  because that gave me a chance to see him again, get to smoke with him (well, i won't now) and joke around with him a couple of times.  yes, i live for the banter.  but yes, i wanted to work for him, work with him for a long time, and i don't mean as his assistant.

i believe that if you believed in yourself and you worked hard enough, kept your dignity, respected people you meet along the way and not give in to greed that you will succeed.  i still believe that. it's what makes me disappointed when i see people who did the exact opposite and succeeded anyway.  it's what make me lose faith sometimes, in my Creator, in myself, in other people.  but there is no greater recipe, to me, for success, than that.  it is the only way to go.

thank you, Universe.  

Saturday, November 23, 2013

the universe's response to my Urban Dub request

i sent out a request to the universe if i could have a picture taken with the members of Urban Dub.  they were performing in the office for one of our functions and i put it out there that i was hoping to get a picture taken with the band.  the universe heard my shout out because apparently, somebody told somebody  and then they told someone about my request.  next thing i knew somebody approached me and asked me if i was ready to have my picture taken with the band.  one of the interns i inducted just let me in (more like pushed and hid me) back stage to have this picture taken.

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i love my job.  i love that i do well enough in my job to establish good relationships that allow me to have privileges such as these.

now you know how i love to ambush people, right?  so this last photo, we got when the two other members were on their way out.  and i didn't even need a special pass to get them done.

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guess if i really wanted something and i needed the universe to conspire to help me achieve it, i need to be more specific.

Lord, i don't want the boy.  I WANT THE POST.

ktnxbye.

Monday, November 18, 2013

angry girl journal 11.18.2013

usually, whenever i try my best to do something to impress a guy, it always ends badly. it doesn't last:  i tried losing weight, drinking until my liver couldn't bear it, gyrating like a gypsy, going as far as the other side of the city, losing money. the maximum i've stayed fixated on a guy (or girl) is three (3) months, not counting that last one which ended very horribly. that delusion lasted four years. anyway, this time, doing something to impress a guy (yes, it is a guy this time) is actually something i have been thinking about for a long time now.  this thing that i'm doing is actually good for me.  that it is getting the attention of a guy is just a bonus.

yes, people:  i have not been smoking (well, i'm still hot lol) for 18 days.  get that: EIGHTEEN DAYS.

this one i want to keep doing even after three months, and i'm over whoever it is i tried to impress. i don't live to impress. never have, not going to start now.

resolve is also my strong trait.

***

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for starters, i am not selling something.  i don't like using my full name, unless it's to sign a paper that's required by law, so the idea of using the middle initial is out of the question.  i don't want to ask how he feels.  he doesn't have feelings.  

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

angry girl journal 11.12.2013

No I'm not the girl I used to be lately
See you met me at an interesting time
If my past is any sign of your future
You should be warned before I let you inside

you have to understand:  all of these things you say to me, all of these things you do, he's told me, he's done for me before.  forgive me for being a little apprehensive and afraid a lot. i would love to believe you, i really do, but this is too great to actually be real.

***

this is FUEL:

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whenever i feel like i'm lost and i'm not doing anything right, this is what keeps me up.  this is how i know i'm doing something good, something right, and that i should have faith in myself.

i can do this.  or my name isn't . . .

Sunday, November 10, 2013

angry girl journal 11.10.2013

ten years ago, today, M broke up with me.

i haven't had a serious relationship since.  i'm still okay.

***

i know who i want to take me home
i know who i want to take me home
i know who i want to take me home
take me home . . .

Wednesday, November 06, 2013

not the meaningful relationship this time

i remember when i was younger and before i got this post with Nathan, i made a request with God for a meaningful relationship when i thought that nothing was happening to my career until i got tired and just gave up.  i am better off alone anyway.  i have made peace with that fact and am very much focused on my career now.

Lord, i don't need a relationship.  You have been taking great care of that i don't need anything anymore.  i don't mind being alone.  i would like to thank You for all that You have given me.  i would like to have this post, please?  i would rather have that than the boy who will only amuse me but break my heart. i am too old to act like a giddy high school girl.   yes, i would rather the post than the meaningful relationship this time, but i will take what You will give me.  it is not mine, but Your will be done.

This youthful heart can love you and give you what you need
This youthful heart can love you and give you what you need
But I'm too old to go chasing you around
Wasting my precious energy

no more distractions, no matter how interesting and amusing they may be.  

Tuesday, November 05, 2013

the song is self-explanatory . . . and very addicting


i don't know much about Tracy Chapman or her music, save for that ditty that Boyzone bastardized and her political and social activism.  the woman has, for the most part of her career, been able to keep her work and personal life separate.  i love that she is able to get people to focus on her music and the things she has done for society than the clothes she is wearing or who she's dating.

i heard this song over the weekend and i can't take it off my head ever since. i remember feeling that way the first time i heard it.  i imagine myself singing it.  it is very timely to me now because of the whole going away and chasing part and i need a reason to stay.

Give Me One Reason
Tracy Chapman

Give me one reason to stay here
And I'll turn right back around
Give me one reason to stay here
And I'll turn right back around
Because I don't want leave you lonely
But you got to make me change my mind

Baby I got your number and I know that you got mine
But you know that I called you, I called too many times
You can call me baby, you can call me anytime
But you got to call me

Give me one reason to stay here
And I'll turn right back around
Give me one reason to stay here
And I'll turn right back around
Because I don't want leave you lonely
But you got to make me change my mind

I don't want no one to squeeze me, they might take away my life
I don't want no one to squeeze me, they might take away my life
I just want someone to hold me and rock me through the night

This youthful heart can love you and give you what you need
This youthful heart can love you and give you what you need
But I'm too old to go chasing you around
Wasting my precious energy

Give me one reason to stay here
And I'll turn right back around
Give me one reason to stay here
And I'll turn right back around
Because I don't want leave you lonely
But you got to make me change my mind

Baby just give me one reason, Give me just one reason why
Baby just give me one reason, Give me just one reason why I should stay
Because I told you that I loved you
And there ain't no more to say

Sunday, November 03, 2013

angry girl journal 11.03.2013

the other day i made a very bold statement in Facebook by posting this:

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at first, i thought i was going to quit gradually, like lessen the number of cigarettes i smoke in a day, but i never really progress so i just decided to quit completely.  i don't know why.  i know i could do it.  the longest i have ever been without a cigarette, since i started smoking regularly in 1997 (i learned in '95, but was a passive smoker since birth - Dad could finish a ream in a week) was six months but i want to be able to see how long i can do this now.

hello, cold turkey.  wish me luck.  wish me strength.  as they say, you are stronger sometimes when you let go. 

Saturday, November 02, 2013

Loki steals the show

there is no doubt in my mind that Tom Hiddleston, the guy who plays Loki in the Thor movies, is hot. that nose alone can give me a, uhm, a reaction. 

let's face it, they totally sold Chris Hemsworth and Natalie Portman here. you want their love story to pick up where Thor left off.  but Loki was funny.  cunning.  you know he's the villain but you want him to live.  you want him to succeed no matter how untrustworthy his character is. 

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Kat Dennings, Stellan Skarsgard and the intern, Jonathan Howard, were hilarious.  Renee Russo and Anthony Hopkins were brilliant but it is Tom's portrayal of Loki that got me hooked.

 Thor is hot but i so love Loki.

Friday, November 01, 2013

angry girl journal 11.01.2013

i hate long weekends.

yes, i will visit my parents' grave some time this weekend.  just maybe not today.

anyway, i am disappointed that i have a weekend this long, like when i had to stay home for Holy Week.  even when my Father was still alive, i preferred going to work.  he was happy i get paid double for the holiday and i was happy because i had to interact with him less.  that he died didn't change it.  i still preferred to go to work on the PHL holidays and take off on the US ones.  if i needed to get something done, i take the US holiday off and i get to do it.  i don't get to accomplish anything if everybody else in bureaucratic Manila is on holiday.  besides, i was insanely trying to be with someone who wasn't worth it at the time.  it made me happy seeing him even though the feeling wasn't mutual.

now, all i just have is free time.

i don't really like to go out.  not anymore, anyway.  i only like going out when i'm with friends, as i am not particularly close with the family i have left.  if i don't have to, i'll just stay home and sleep.  that or watch tv and be brain dead.  i do want to travel again, but only if i can be with friends.  the last thing i want is to be stuck over the weekend with a bunch of people i don't particularly like.  i won't enjoy it because it will be torture.

i could travel alone but i will always wonder what would happen to the house while i'm gone.  it would've been a great opportunity to find myself.  maybe i will before the year ends.

it would also be nice if i could travel with someone special.  yes, i just got all mushy and wished that i could travel with someone i love.


But I could take you with me
Oh please let me take you with me.
And you can see those seasons too
But from a different view.

I want to get away with you.
I want to get away with you.

- Travel Song, Evelyn Burke

i just have really high standards.  so i guess i will just sleep off this weekend again.