Tuesday, October 29, 2013

angry girl journal 10.29.2013

thank You, Lord, for all You've done
things both great and small
and for Jesus Christ, Your son
thank You most of all

You forgive us when we falter
You bring healing when we sin
You redeem our life from bondage
and renew us deep within


thank You, Lord, for all You've done
things both great and small
and for Jesus Christ, Your son
thank You most of all

see, i do have little moments of piety.

***

we did it!!! we pulled it off!!!

after so many days of organizing meetings, maneuvering around people's schedules,  and practicing for this very ambitious project, after all the stress just thinking about how to produce a budget, making sure everybody is wonderful and fulfilled and happy, all our efforts paid off.

this wasn't just four guys acting like a bunch of teenagers who couldn't keep it in their pants at the sight of hot-blooded young women.  these were about seventeen different people, with different schedules and priorities, different musical tastes, different attention spans who needed different approaches in order to be motivated and empowered, to bring out the things they haven't discovered about themselves.  for the last two or three weeks, they put their musical fate in my hands.

it is fulfilling. that intangible altruistic feeling that you've accomplished something and you were able to get other people to focus on that same goal and achieve it together.  that i have made them feel better about themselves is a great feeling to have and i'm glad i got to witness it unfold.  of course, that the person who should be worrying and doing all of this cannot grab a pair and step up was additional motivation.  it is tiring having to come up with all the solutions but the rewards reaped are priceless.

it is difficult, but i see a future in it.  it will pain me to let it go.

***

i had hoped for you to see me sing.  i looked pretty too.  too bad you didn't see it.

***

it's getting more and more inconvenient. not really painful, just really inconvenient.  i really need to call my doctor.

***

you amuse me and scare me at the same time.

i am allowed to be neither.

Monday, October 28, 2013

angry girl journal 10.28.2013

i am glad i got to see you before you left.  but i keep wishing i kissed you so i wouldn't have to keep thinking about what it would've felt like.

***
i went home and i was singing the song i was supposed to perform for tuesday in my head and when it got to that part,

" . . . 'cause you're a dream to me, dream to me . . ."

i started crying. i don't know why.  i just couldn't stop.  so i decided to leave the house to try to see if i could catch the last full show of this movie:

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of course, you can't go wrong with De Niro, Lee Jones and Pfeiffer.  but the biggest revelation for me was Dianna Agron.  of course, as Quinn, we hated her in Glee, until she finally knew how to act.  she's really good, actually.  i loved how she was hot and hotheaded at the same time.  there was this scene when she beat up someone and i could really feel her rage.  it was amazing.

when i got home, i was too tired to feel sad.  besides, i was anticipating what is yet to come.  but i am hopeful.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

one of those things i have to remember

believe in yourself and your potential to do great things but do not delude yourself to be something you are not.


Tuesday, October 22, 2013

angry girl journal 10.22.2013

now i remember why i don't go to church anymore (aside from the hypocrites who dwell in it):  i cry whenever i hear the songs.  yes, much like when i cry every time i hear the Philippine National Anthem.  i know it's a really sappy reason, but now that i think about it, even singing the songs in my head brings tears to my eyes.

i love you, Lord
and i lift my voice
to worship You, oh, my soul rejoice!
take joy, my King, in what You hear
let it be a sweet, sweet sound
in Your ear  

that was a favorite when i was in second grade and until now, i still love the song.

Panginoon, aking tanglaw
tanging Ikaw ang kaligtasan
sa masama, ingatan ako
ang sugo mong nananalig sa'Yo              

that last one, now that i've paid much attention, seems like a direct translation of Psalm 25.  see, i'm not evil.  i'm actually really nice, i just don't want everybody else to know.

***

my parents didn't lie to me about my talents.  they knew i was good in singing,  but they never told me about it.  they knew i liked to write, but they never read anything i wrote.  we focused on my studies.  they didn't praise me too much, at least not to my face, so i'd keep working hard to be better.  i grew up thinking they weren't proud of me, but i'd eventually hear it from someone else that they were.  they didn't want it to get to my head.  and i love my parents for it.  it constantly reminds me that i'm not perfect, that i'm not the best, that someone will always be better than i am so i am never complacent.  of course, i wasn't confident either, but  it made me stronger.

kids these days, they're very pampered.  they always get praised, even for mediocre output.  they're a bunch of emotional crybabies; always have to be spoiled and criticism needs to be sugarcoated all the time so as not to, God forbid, hurt their feelings.  you can't slap them to teach them a lesson because you can get in jail for it so they have no sense of discipline.  they don't know to work hard for things because they're always used to getting their way.  they don't know the value of hard work.  they don't know if they have real talent or not.  they don't know a lot of things because they always have to be protected from the truth.

but tell you what:  your kids will find out anyway how harsh the world is, that not everyone in the world is nice, that they can't have everything they want given to them in silver platter, that they're not as great as they think they are, that life is hard.  and when they realize it the bitter way, they might just blame you for it, hate you for it.  so please, don't lie to your kids.  don't be too hard on them, but don't spoil them rotten.  it doesn't help them become good people if you do.  it doesn't help them at all.                                                                

Friday, October 18, 2013

i'm sorry, but all i see is penis

i really don't know why.  he's very intelligent.  he's nice.  he's very responsible.  and respectable.  but every time i see this gentleman from work, all i see is dick. yes, i meant penis.  i'm really sorry.  i don't understand it either.

when i first saw him a few months ago, without him wearing his eyeglasses, he looked really hot.  he had a commanding presence.  it's like he didn't belong there with the rest of them. he looks so dorky with the glasses on and so very different from the guy i saw the first time.  if that guy from Enchanted Kingdom asked me to strip down, i would hurriedly do so, no questions asked.  the guy i see every day, i feel bad whenever i violate him in my head.

no matter how smart and sweet and dignified he is, i always see SEX.

i really feel bad thinking that way about him.  he really is such a nice and respectable man.  i have high regard for him. i just can't help thinking about him this way.  he looks so delectable.

that's probably the only time i think i want to be intimate with someone, like really passionate-i'll-rip-all-your-clothes-off intimate.

of course, that and when i think about Francesco Diablo Esq.

***

i couldn't help it.  i asked the guy from Fresno:  why are you being so nice to me?

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

angry girl journal 10.16.2013

they say that nothing sounds sweeter to a person than the sound of his/her name. that's why in some cultures they actually think it's more condescending when you call them "madam" or "sir", like you were being sarcastic or something.

my mother took this picture of me for my first year high school id:

 photo bels1styrHSID_zps12abfa20.jpg

ah, i was so much younger then . . .

don't get me wrong, i love my name. it's just that when people call you by your full name, it meant you were in trouble, like when someone proposes marriage or reads you your rights before they cuff you. i prefer people address me as just, "bels".  i only call people by their full names when i'm mad at them, when i'm trying to make a point, or when i'm pretty much solidifying how much i love them.  this means that i only reserve that right to call me by my full name to only those whom i hold dear to my heart, like a license.  otherwise, you have to earn that right, like everyone else.  besides, if they cannot spell it correctly, then i'd rather not.  bels is just easier to remember, and even then, a lot of people still can't get it right.  so  . . .

that's b - e - l - s  for you :)

done with the trent phase. time for tom.

i do keep saying here that i am still waiting for my Booth, until i finally woke up.  i am now ready to close that chapter of my life.  just waiting to get paid.

one does get tired of chasing after things, people that are not even good for them. it's not like i'm in a hurry.  i did say that God has better things to do. but when it does happen, i will be grateful and i will try not to jeopardize it before it even starts.

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the moment Daria's companion is Tom and not Trent on my cover page in Facebook, that means . . .

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Tuesday, October 15, 2013

why don't we get away, even just for a day?

today is Nathan's birthday.  today is also Eid al-Adha, a Muslim holiday.  which means, no work for the daywalkers!

our team, Team Gorgeous (of course, i've always been, even before joining the team, that solidified it), decided to go on a quick getaway to Tagaytay for great food, desserts and a chance to bond again.

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you can never go wrong with tawilis and bulalo.

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i enjoyed it a lot because the last time i was here, i just played third wheel to my friend and her boyfriend. which isn't really fun. my idea of relaxation does not always involve liquor so this was really fun for me. i got to spend time with my team and there were times i got to be alone just so i could enjoy the view.

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i would like to come back here some time.  maybe alone or with someone.  i don't know.  it's great to be away for a day. even if it means coming back to tons of work afterwards, i don't mind.  as long as i get to breathe.  

Sunday, October 13, 2013

in the eyes of another objective human being (foreigner) who fell in love with this country

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i read about it a few weeks ago and i really wanted to see it but i wasn't sure it was going to be shown here locally.  it made me curious that the screenplay was in English, written by a British director who shot the movie here and had the Filipino actors act out and deliver the lines in Tagalog in their own translation.

i  was glad i went out and saw it today. i even brought my house helper to watch it with me.  and (s)he loved it too.

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the story is about Oscar Ramirez and his wife Mai, who move to Manila from their home in Banaue (as in the rice terraces Banaue, not that place where you get your car parts)  to try to see if their life can get better here, only to be victimized by the manipulative ways of the city folk.  Oscar thought that his partner/senior officer, Ong, was sincerely helping him make it in the city only to find out that Ong is just waiting for a pawn he can exploit in order to achieve his selfish motives. so true of this city, right?  it's a movie worth seeing, even if you just want to point to the screen and say, "hey, i know where that is!".   it has an amazing plot and i commend Sean Ellis for this great story.

the ending brought tears to my eyes.  i am glad that despite all the hardships he and his family are experiencing, and the tough call he had to make morally, Oscar got his dream of a better life for his family.  great stuff.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

angry girl journal 10.10.2013

i still haven't made up my mind on this segment called "That's My Tomboy" on this local noontime television show.  i've seen some of the contestants and i have to admit that these butches are cute.  some do weird talents and some give even weirder answers during Q&A.  makes me wonder if they're really gay, you know. 

i don't know.  i haven't figured out if i like it yet.

but the contestants are cute.

***

while everybody who tried to go home early ended up taking longer than they should because of the traffic, i decided to stall and had these pictures taken. 

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dress:  Uniqlo
shoes:  Charles and Keith

of course, i had to make a run for the bus just so i could get home wearing this dress, but i looked amazing running after a bus :)

***

i don't need you to like my posts.

I NEED YOU TO PAY UP. 

you never helped me when i was over the death of my parents.  it's always been nothing but problems with you.  you took me for granted.  you took advantage of the fact that i loved you.  you never cared about me.  you just used me.

when i think about it, the money you pay me is not even enough to cover for the humiliation, all those times i defended you, lied for you, went out of my way just to save your ass.  all my hard work just so you can gamble away your salary and then borrow from me.  it's just like working for a family that's not even my own.  i feel bad for being so stupid, for hoping you can be an actual caring person, for hoping you can change for the better.  the only one you care about is yourself.  and i'm supposed to be the selfish bitch? 

Sunday, October 06, 2013

gave in. again!

so much for practicing what i preach . . .

i ended up buying not only clothes, and shoes, but a great amount of imported goods.

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skirts:  Uniqlo

yes, those are yellow bed sheets with flowers on the background.  my mother was into flowers.

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shoes:  Charles and Keith

guess you could say i'm done with spending for this month since i added two more pairs to my growing collection.  i am expecting to be committed to a phone line for two and a half years (which is the longest relationship i've had with anything or anyone, not to mention my prepaid number for more than five years) so i should avoid any unnecessary spending.  i am seriously hoping this would be the last for the month of October 2013.

i did receive this awesome pasalubong from my good friend Chris, though.

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you gotta love me :)

Friday, October 04, 2013

angry girl journal 10.04.2013

when we go out into the world, we don’t just show the world our selves; we reflect the way our parents brought us up and the school that nurtured us. that’s why when a person acts like an ass, we immediately assume that he had horrible parents who sent him to a crappy school.  but then again, even if you had the nicest parents, and you went to very best of schools, if you’re an ass, you are.

"I AM A TIGER WITH THE HEART OF A WARRIOR."

and my parents raised me well.  i was a stubborn kid, but they raised me well.

i don't think money can ever cover for stupidity or lack of breeding.  people can only pretend for so long.