Sunday, August 18, 2013

if i had a party, i could cry if i wanted to

you'd think that because they know that i'm all alone and my parents are dead and i'm not particularly close to any of my living relatives, that they'd figure the whole thing out and it would sink in to them that i am all alone and they are all i have.

but NO.  so sad.  it just makes me so sad. 

it didn’t have to be lavish.  number one:  it just had to be not organized by me.  KAHIT NGA POTLUCK, OK NA EH.  forget the band.  forget the dressing up.  forget the Happiness  - he doesn't like me anyway.  number two:  as long as everybody i love and care about was going to be there, it was fine.  i didn’t want to have to meet with them separately. it is a waste of time and it is a waste of money.  not to mention, when i meet them separately, they forget that we’re there because it’s my birthday.   if everybody were invited and they didn’t come anyway, it’s not my fault anymore.  i really hate it when i have to meet people separately and then i become the bad person because i haven’t set up time with this or that person yet or with these people.

i don’t want to celebrate my birthday in a comedy bar.  not only do i get insulted by the drag queens before i get to sing, i’m also expected to pay them for letting them insult me too.

i don’t want to celebrate in a dance bar.  do i even dance? do these people even know me?
somebody suggested a pool party and while i love the water it’s not going to work because my birthday falls on the rainy season.  not to mention, it falls on, before or after a holiday so it helps people forget that i was ever even born. 

andaming tao na ang lakas mangutang pero di mo maasahan mag-effort pag ikaw ang me kelangan sa kanila.  

everybody in this country thinks that you have the obligation to feed them because it's your birthday even if you don't really want to be with them. i really hate that, uh, "custom".  shouldn't birthdays be about family and friends and people you care about?

here comes the rain again, 
falling on my head like a memory
falling on my head like a new emotion

i know that i shouldn't expect anything from any of them.  it just makes me sad.  it makes me sad because it gives me the impression that i didn't do enough as a friend to deserve their thoughts.  they don't think about me or my situation. i'm not after their pity but unlike them, i don't have family anymore and i'm not really close to my relatives.  i don't really want to have anything to do with people who are only interested in me because they need me for something.  i also "organize events" for a living, it's one of those things i do, so it would've been nice to sit back and have someone do that for me, for a change. was that too much to ask?  was that such a shallow request?  i feel so stupid feeling bad about it but even more stupid because it makes me think that i don't really have friends.

i don't really have anyone.