Tuesday, August 27, 2013

angry girl journal 08.27.2013

i am so set in my ways.  i have been alone for such a long time that i am petrified at the thought of being with someone.  actually, for someone as sensual as i am, i have developed this fear of intimacy and the wall i have built around me is so strong, i will only allow those close to me to get through.  i mean, i can hug someone, to provide comfort, solace, but the idea that someone will press his/her lips against mine is suddenly revolting.

it doesn't sound like me, right?

when i was younger, i believed that as long as i didn't lose myself, that as long as i didn't hurt anyone and i followed my values, my rules, then it wouldn't matter.  i kept a little to myself and even if it broke me, it made me stronger, a little wiser.  it helped me survive.  but it doesn't eliminate the sadness entirely.

i keep to myself a great deal.  everybody knows about me but they don't know anything.  my work, my faith keeps me sane.  if i'm not going out with friends, i'd rather stay home and rest.  i treat people with respect.  i do not lose hope that i will meet someone but  i don't think i'll die if i don't meet anyone.  God has better things to do than to find a partner for me.

i need to believe love exists. i need to believe that there is someone out there for me, who will take the broken person that i am. and i need to know that if i'm going to make compromises, sacrifices, that that person will not let me down and do the same, the way so many people have let me down before.  if it's not exactly that, if it's not what i deserve, then i won't take it.  i've already spent too much time, wasted so much time,  lost so much of myself just being grateful and accepting for what is undoubtedly not even worth giving to anyone that i won't stand for mediocrity anymore.  i can't bear to pick up whatever pieces are left of me.

i just can't.