Saturday, August 31, 2013

great job

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*photo courtesy of Mon Castro's Facebook page

ever since Ang Nawawala, i haven't seen a local film that made me want to see it.  i have to be honest:  when my friend Brian was talking about it and  he started blurting out the names of Piolo Pascual and Gerald Anderson as the stars of the film, i intentionally blocked him off my hearing.  and then he mentioned Joel Torre and contract killers, i did my research.  it also helped that i looked it up and found out that the musical direction was done by my friend Erwin Romulo.  

the story is about two inmates, Tatang and Daniel, who are hired as contract killers taken back in so that investigators cannot find them. a diligent cop (played by Joey Marquez - he did shine in this movie, a revelation) partnered with an up and coming NBI investigator (Piolo) trying to get out of his father's shadow to solve the mystery behind the killings and the powers behind them.  add a bunch of corrupt wealthy government officials and politicians into the mix and you have one great movie.  although right now, i still couldn't see the relevance of the love scene between Piolo Pascual and Shaina Magdayao.  that didn't have any connection whatsoever to the story. maybe i just didn't get it.  and i could imagine how hard it must've been for Piolo.

it took my breath away.  i didn't even have coffee prior to watching the movie and my heart was pounding at every scene. the minute the opening credits and the song played, i knew it was going to be a blast watching it.  great ensemble cast.  some of their scenes were brief but all were very strong and interesting characters.  i paid only this much money to see it and when i got out the theater, i wanted to go back to the counter and pay more. 

this movie pushes the boundaries.  very brave.  bold.  they did a great job.  this is the type of movie that makes me believe in the local film industry again.  great job, Erik Matti, Erwin Romulo.

a very insightful movie behind the man

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when Steve Jobs died, i wasn't one of the people who pretended to be sad for his death.  i didn't read up on him and i didn't own anything that was produced by Apple. i even went as far as saying that their products are anti-social tools:  I-pod, I-pad, I-phone, etc. etc. ad infinitum. while they're pretty neat gadgets that allow you to be self-sufficient especially when boredom kicks in the presence of other people, they do have a tendency to make you, well,  rude.  people who use these things, and the social media, they're rude.  they forget that they're with other people and lose their manners.  anyway, this is not the fault of Mr. Jobs, i apologize.

Ashton Kutcher was a revelation. his performance made me appreciate the life of the man behind the ideas.  it made me respect him.  i still feel that way about the gadgets but i have a newfound respect for the man.  i didn't get to read the book and it kept me hanging a bit, but for someone who just got introduced to the man, this will do. 

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

birthday ko nga daw eh

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they always say that when you're wearing red that it's your birthday. i normally wear black but i figured i'd have to wear this dress some time.

quick story about the dress:  Cherl likes to go with me when i'm on a retail therapy spree so when i know there's a sale, i try not to ask her out.  she and i and one other lady were the last people in the store. she normally waits while i try on something and tells her what she thinks about the dress. she calls me from outside and tells me she wants to see how the dress looks.  the other lady and i get out at the same time wearing the same dress.  the exact same dress. i just hope that the lady does not work in the same Company as me.  i think she got the same dress in the other colors too. 

it was an okay shift, going back to work after a long break, after my birthday.  plus i look hot in this dress. 

dress:  Freeway
shoes:  the little things she needs

why isn't Jared acting anymore?

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woke up to the sound of Thirty Seconds to Mars and it got me thinking: why isn't Jared acting anymore? wala lang. the songs are great, although this one song they have reminded me of U2's With or Without You. but other than that, good work, Jared!

the only movies that i saw him in are How to Make an American Quilt and Girl, Interrupted, both with Winona Ryder.

which reminds me, i have to see One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest again.i saw it when i was younger but i don't remember how the story goes.  other than being set in a loony bin, that's your only connection to Girl, Interrupted. 

anyway, Thirty Seconds to Mars is great, so far and Jared is doing a good job as its front man.  i hope they could visit Manila soon. 

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

angry girl journal 08.27.2013

i am so set in my ways.  i have been alone for such a long time that i am petrified at the thought of being with someone.  actually, for someone as sensual as i am, i have developed this fear of intimacy and the wall i have built around me is so strong, i will only allow those close to me to get through.  i mean, i can hug someone, to provide comfort, solace, but the idea that someone will press his/her lips against mine is suddenly revolting.

it doesn't sound like me, right?

when i was younger, i believed that as long as i didn't lose myself, that as long as i didn't hurt anyone and i followed my values, my rules, then it wouldn't matter.  i kept a little to myself and even if it broke me, it made me stronger, a little wiser.  it helped me survive.  but it doesn't eliminate the sadness entirely.

i keep to myself a great deal.  everybody knows about me but they don't know anything.  my work, my faith keeps me sane.  if i'm not going out with friends, i'd rather stay home and rest.  i treat people with respect.  i do not lose hope that i will meet someone but  i don't think i'll die if i don't meet anyone.  God has better things to do than to find a partner for me.

i need to believe love exists. i need to believe that there is someone out there for me, who will take the broken person that i am. and i need to know that if i'm going to make compromises, sacrifices, that that person will not let me down and do the same, the way so many people have let me down before.  if it's not exactly that, if it's not what i deserve, then i won't take it.  i've already spent too much time, wasted so much time,  lost so much of myself just being grateful and accepting for what is undoubtedly not even worth giving to anyone that i won't stand for mediocrity anymore.  i can't bear to pick up whatever pieces are left of me.

i just can't.

Monday, August 26, 2013

it's like Men in Black, but with monsters

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 i kinda expected to see Ryan Reynolds' abs or have Kevin Bacon dance, but i saw neither.

Nick Walker is a detective who is betrayed by his partner, Bobby Hayes, over a chest full of gold that they stole during a drug bust.  while he initially wanted to keep his share to create a better life for him and his wife, Julia, he tells Bobby that he regrets his decision and wanted to return the gold.  Bobby kills him and frames somebody else for the murder.  instead of ascending towards the light, Nick gets pulled into the office of Mildred Proctor, director of the Boston division of the Rest In Peace Department (R.I.P.D.), an agency that recruits deceased police officers to patrol the afterlife and capture "Deados", spirits that failed to cross over and return to Earth as monstrous ghosts. he gets partnered with an ex-U.S. Marshall from the 1800s, Roy Pulsipher, played by Jeff Bridges.

anyway, the idea was, Kevin is also a Deado and he's been trying to reassemble the Staff of Jericho, a mystic device that could reverse the tunnel that transports the dead into the afterlife, returning them to Earth. Roy and Nick destroy the darn thing, they earn redemption and Nick gets a ten-year old girl scout as a new avatar.

i didn't have anywhere to go and i didn't want to stay at home all day so i went out to watch this movie.  i didn't want to see the Conjuring.  or the Conbefore.  or the Conafter.  corny.  this was okay.  it entertained me for a while. 

***
i saw an old friend at the mall.  he is now a lawyer but is still single and younger than me.  i used to have this crush on him.

now that i think about it, why am i not surrounded by nice, attractive, funny and responsible men like him?  why do i get stuck and hung up with the assholes that i deal with?  WHY?!?!?!?!

i'm hoping he and i can reconnect and while i don't want to get ahead of myself, i just want to be able to get exposed to good men.  i really feel that hanging out with him will give me that opportunity.  i have faith. 

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

PHL and the floods

my father died in the same year that we had Ondoy. the flood waters had entered the house.  it took me six hours before i could get home.  after the floods have subsided, he was sick for a long time, going in and out of the hospital before his organs finally gave in. but i do remember him telling me that if it rained hard for the next forty days, he was pretty sure that  "He was going to end it all".  by "HE", my father meant God, yes, like the great flood, and Noah. 

imagine if all of the taxes they deduct from our pay slips actually went to building stable structures, dependable drainage systems, instead of landing inside the pockets of just a few people, we wouldn't have to keep dealing with this every time the rains fall down.

i am especially disappointed because there is actual proof that the taxes we pay only benefit a really small number of people while the rest of the country starves. 

i also hate that instead of putting all of that money for literacy, they make up all these fake projects that don't really help anyone but themselves.  it's like they refuse to educate  the people because once the masses know what's really going on, they will not remain in power. 

i do not think that my problems are much more important than what the people are experiencing now.  i really feel embarrassed that i'm worrying that people don't have a birthday party for me when there are people who don't know if they can go back to their houses and their lives.

once again, i know we will have to give back to those who need the help and i don't mind helping out.  but the vicious cycle has to stop.  it has to stop. 

Sunday, August 18, 2013

if i had a party, i could cry if i wanted to

you'd think that because they know that i'm all alone and my parents are dead and i'm not particularly close to any of my living relatives, that they'd figure the whole thing out and it would sink in to them that i am all alone and they are all i have.

but NO.  so sad.  it just makes me so sad. 

it didn’t have to be lavish.  number one:  it just had to be not organized by me.  KAHIT NGA POTLUCK, OK NA EH.  forget the band.  forget the dressing up.  forget the Happiness  - he doesn't like me anyway.  number two:  as long as everybody i love and care about was going to be there, it was fine.  i didn’t want to have to meet with them separately. it is a waste of time and it is a waste of money.  not to mention, when i meet them separately, they forget that we’re there because it’s my birthday.   if everybody were invited and they didn’t come anyway, it’s not my fault anymore.  i really hate it when i have to meet people separately and then i become the bad person because i haven’t set up time with this or that person yet or with these people.

i don’t want to celebrate my birthday in a comedy bar.  not only do i get insulted by the drag queens before i get to sing, i’m also expected to pay them for letting them insult me too.

i don’t want to celebrate in a dance bar.  do i even dance? do these people even know me?
                              
somebody suggested a pool party and while i love the water it’s not going to work because my birthday falls on the rainy season.  not to mention, it falls on, before or after a holiday so it helps people forget that i was ever even born. 

andaming tao na ang lakas mangutang pero di mo maasahan mag-effort pag ikaw ang me kelangan sa kanila.  

everybody in this country thinks that you have the obligation to feed them because it's your birthday even if you don't really want to be with them. i really hate that, uh, "custom".  shouldn't birthdays be about family and friends and people you care about?

here comes the rain again, 
falling on my head like a memory
falling on my head like a new emotion

i know that i shouldn't expect anything from any of them.  it just makes me sad.  it makes me sad because it gives me the impression that i didn't do enough as a friend to deserve their thoughts.  they don't think about me or my situation. i'm not after their pity but unlike them, i don't have family anymore and i'm not really close to my relatives.  i don't really want to have anything to do with people who are only interested in me because they need me for something.  i also "organize events" for a living, it's one of those things i do, so it would've been nice to sit back and have someone do that for me, for a change. was that too much to ask?  was that such a shallow request?  i feel so stupid feeling bad about it but even more stupid because it makes me think that i don't really have friends.

i don't really have anyone.

Friday, August 16, 2013

there was a time when i was that kid

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i was in first grade when i was first introduced to the Puerto Rican boyband Menudo.  i was in an exclusive school for girls and lesbians and we all had a crush on either Ricky (who didn't know yet at the time that he was gay) or Robby.  hell, i didn't even know they were boys.  i got "discovered" by my homeroom teacher to sing one of their songs for a singing contest.

If You're Not Here (By My Side)
Menudo

Gotta catch that plane at 7:30
Why haven't you come to say goodbye
Time is running out and I'm still waiting
I'm so lost without you, I could die
Yesterday you said you loved me
Everything seemed to be fine
Today you're not here, I'm so lonely
It's the waiting that's driving me out of my mind

Don't know how I'll sing in that big city
How can I perform if you're not there
This will be the worst of all my journeys
The image of your face will follow me everywhere

I need your tender kisses
The feel of your hands, your caress
Your perfume has me burning
My heart is yearning to touch you
I need you so much

If you're not here, by my side
Can't hold back the tears
I try to hide
Don't think I can take it
I know I won't make it
Make it without you

If you're not here, by my side
Only your love keeps me alive
No sense in dreaming
My life has no meaning
If you're not here

I need your tender kisses
The feel of your hands, your caress
Your perfume has me burning
My heart is yearning to touch you
I need you so much

If you're not here, by my side
Can't hold back the tears
I try to hide
Don't think I can take it
I know I won't make it
Make it without you

If you're not here, by my side
Only your love keeps me alive
No sense in dreaming
My life has no meaning
If you're not here


i didn't win.  it's not like they encouraged singing in the house growing up.  but my father encouraged winning, so that was probably the first and last time i got to sing for that school, other than for Holy Communion.  the only other time my father was kind of supportive of my singing was when i was already in law school, when i was with the band.  he would let me join singing groups in high school but it was so hard trying to get permission to leave the house to practice.  oh, and nobody really saw me as a singer in elementary or high school.  i didn't "bloom" until college - had to fill up my resume, of course.

so i lost the singing contest in first grade.  but i won the next year.  General Information contest.  my grades were awesome ever since.  

Friday, August 09, 2013

mistakes, i’ve had a lot, too monumental to mention


i’ve been so used to my previous role that i rarely make mistakes anymore.  some are easily hidden, not because i am so awesome at what i do - i am, but because they’re mistakes that are easily forgiven, and because i hardly commit mistakes.  that’s the problem sometimes when you’re in your comfort zone; you can do something in your sleep that you hardly get challenged anymore.   i wanted to challenge myself, so i asked permission to get this new role, so i can do something different, and so i can learn.


they were right when they said that you can’t learn unless you commit mistakes.  some times you have to.  of course, i already know this but it’s just hard to deal with the consequences, especially when other people’s lives are involved and when i didn’t really mean to hurt them in the process.  i was only doing my job, and i’m really trying hard to do well at it.  i don’t make these kinds of mistakes, which is why i feel so bad and why i am so hard on myself. 

i am hoping that i can be done committing mistakes and start at being great at what i’m doing now.  it’s an opportunity that i am grateful for and want to make the most out of.  i know that like everybody else i am entitled to some sort of learning curve where it’s still okay to make mistakes, but i really hope that i don’t have to and just jump to being awesome. 

i asked for this and i don’t want to let down the people who believed in me.  most of all, i don’t want to perpetually doubt myself and let me down.  i need to start believing in me and loving me again.  it’s about time.

Monday, August 05, 2013

focus on the dress

we were looking for a good spot for a totally different photo shoot, and the photographer needed a model to work with.

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i finally got to wear this dress to work, and i feel the need to turn around every so often while i'm in it.

still working to look better in it.  just focus on the dress and how great i look rather than the background.

knitted cardigan:  Uniqlo
dress:  Plains and Prints
shoes (not shown here):  Charles and Keith

Saturday, August 03, 2013

when the doctor is away . . .

i was supposed to have my follow up check with the doctor but since she had an emergency procedure, i had time to kill before watching The Wolverine.  i figured i'd self-medicate some more and follow her instructions until it was time to see her again.

i never saw the trailer. i didn't look it up. i saw the poster and its all-star cast and the fact that i thought the first one was awesome.

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i didn't regret it.  it was a great combination of action and humor, plus you never saw the plot coming.

i had a chance to eat dinner first before making my date with Hugh Jackman.

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i really liked it but much of my anticipation sort of waned since a lot of people already saw it and spoiled it for me.  that, and i already saw Red 2.  but i liked it very much.  i just found it a bit weird that Logan would go out with his old friend's granddaughter.  yes, the eekiness of vampires, but with Adamantium.

looking forward to the next X-Men movie now.  can't wait.

i don't feel weird watching a movie alone.  it's nice to have dates with yourself.

but i could be happier.