Sunday, July 07, 2013

do-over for debutants

i had hoped to celebrate my 18th birthday again.  this year would've been a good year to do it since i would be eighteen times two this August.  sadly, i didn't meet my timeline and despite expressing this desired plan to my friends, nobody decided they wanted to organize it for me.

 photo belsdebut_zpsa58efd65.jpg

yes, i looked oh-so young and innocent then.

of course, my parents won't be there anymore, but i know that if that event ever happened, that they'd be with me in spirit.

so, i really wanted all my friends to be there at one time, instead of having to meet them separately.  i'd invite people from work who really are my friends.  the ones living abroad will come home just for that.  just for me.  it is my birthday, after all.  i love my friends, but they do tend to make it all about themselves so i wanted that day to be all about me.  di ba?  i mean, i don't really bother them with my problems because i don't want them to worry about me, and because i know they have enough problems already.  i don't want to be a burden to them.  i love them but i want them to do this for me, make it about me, for once.  people would dress up to be there.  the people invited would only be the people who really care about me and not the ones who just pretend to - very intimate setting, indeed.   it would have a band, they'd perform all my favorite songs, and i get to jam with them too.  then people would say nice things about me and they wouldn't wait until i'm dead and they'd tell me how meeting me changed their lives for the better and how happy they were i'm still around.  you know, make it all about me.*sigh*

how many people really do care about me?

also, i've always been the one organizing and working to get stuff done for somebody else, it's what i do for a living.  it would've been nice if someone organized something special for me, for a change, right?  i wouldn't mind spending just as long as i didn't have to lift a finger organizing it.  kaso wala eh 

timeline?  i would go out on a limb here and say, that part of this whole fantasy was to have my happiness with me and we would announce to all of his friends and mine that we're married.  not getting married, but GOT married.  of course, that would require him to be in love with me first, right?  sadly, aside from the banter and a few flirtatious moments in the elevator and in instant messaging, all this is a unilateral delusion.  he does not know i exist.  

but then, i don't believe in marriage.  and he doesn't know i exist.  and my friends won't organize this for me. if something was on the works, i would've smelled it by now.  that i don't hear about anything only means that there is none.  and even if, let's say,  he did notice me, and my friends did organize this for me, would i tie the noose err knot?  i know how capable i am of protecting and taking care of someone, understanding someone and loving someone deeply, but i am always, always afraid that i won't find someone who will do the same.  i have faith but i don't think i ever will.  i'm afraid i never will.

damn.  that could've been a hell of a party.