Thursday, May 09, 2013

angry girl journal 05.09.2013

i'm learning to walk again
i believe i've waited long enough
where do i begin?

Walk, Foo Fighters

i am so not used to getting what (who) i want that when i do, even though it's right in front of me, i get so overwhelmed and not believe it.

in a few weeks, i'm going to be doing something else.  well, it's relatively the same, but different and i'm pretty much excited that i'm finally going to be able to get out of this shell.  don't get me wrong, i love my job, i love my boss.  i can't remember who said it, but i remember hearing somewhere that if you're no longer challenged by the things you are doing, because you are too comfortable, it's time to move on.  i've been really comfortable with what i'm doing that i find myself being complacent sometimes, which i don't like.

i love my boss.  i think he's amazing.  i love that i am able to help other people by helping him.  i love that he values my opinions and that he trusts me.  he believes i can do many things.  the problem is, i do tend to doubt myself because he and i have been working together for so long that i'm afraid that what seems to be "amazing" to him, may be mediocre for someone else.  and this may sound corny, but ever since Dead Poets Society, i've always wanted to be able to touch other people's lives by teaching.  i want to be able to share whatever information, be it the books i've read, the movies i've seen, the songs i've listened to, to everyone and hope that coming away from that conversation, i made them think about it somehow.  i need to try to do it, at least, so i know i'm not missing out.  i don't want to stay where i am, keep doing what i'm doing and then blame my boss for not letting me try it out.

where do i start, where do i begin?
where do i start, where do i begin?

where do i start, where do i begin?
where do i start, where do i begin?

Where Do I Begin, The Chemical Brothers featuring Beth Orton

of course, there's also separation anxiety.  i've grown very protective of my boss, to the point of being very selfish.  he is a great man from whom you can learn a lot of things.  he is very empowering and trusting.  he believes in everyone's capacity to do great things.  i know because he believed in me and he continues to do so.  i don't ever want to let him down.  i've seen him get burned because of his faith in people but it doesn't stop him from believing anyway.  i can't say, i won't say, that i'm the only person who can do this job for him.  anyone can do this job, but not everyone can be trusted with this job.  which is why it's hard to leave.

i still can't believe i got accepted.  i still can't believe i will be doing something totally out of my comfort zone for the second half of the year.  i am excited, overwhelmed and nervous at the same time.  i don't want to waste this opportunity and i hope to make the most out of it.

Starting today I'm not gonna waste another moment... 

- Starting Today, Natalie Imbruglia