Thursday, May 23, 2013

my reunion with The Outsider

i rarely go out with my roommates/officemates when they go out on breaks now. normally when they go on break, i'm doing something for my boss and i don't get to follow them when i say i would so they don't bother to ask me to go with them. hell, they don't even bother to ask me if i needed anything. which is different by the way. anyway, i digress. i went with them today.

i'm actually glad i did.

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while we were walking to Jamba Juice i saw a familiar face but i couldn't stop staring, which was rude, of course, because while i thought the face was familiar, i wasn't really sure. good thing i recognized his companion too: Gang Badoy!

i've known Gang from the Tequila Sunrise concerts and i saw her last the early morning Jade and i had sex. yes. anyway. i have been a fan of Gang's massive social work. it's like there is no bad bone in her body, everything was just meant to be good to people by educating them, making them politically aware, etc. so i approached them. and i was able to confirm that the familiar face was, my crush of 2004, Erwin Romulo. it was nice to see him again, although i felt really awkward considering i know all of these things about him and he looked like he was still trying to recall most of what i have been saying, if they actually occurred or not,  plus i asked about his ex-wife. yes, awkward. but he looked really good :)

i disrupted their dinner long enough so after we had this picture taken, and my companions were already waiting (one of them obviously wanted to leave me already - what did i ever do to you?!), i said my goodbyes but i did promise to keep in touch.  or something.

i usually am pretty behaved even when i am star struck.  you know, like i try to act cool and natural under pressure (it is my job, after all, to work with important people with grace under pressure - does David Bowie and the rest of the Queen members get any royalty whenever people use that phrase?) even when i'm so excited that i can't contain myself. i do.  but i was so anxious to see them.  they're like rock, radio, writer and what-have-you royalty and seeing them again brought me back to that annoying stalker-like kid from almost a decade ago.  seeing them made me feel like a part of me was brought back because i lost so much. they may have no idea and couldn't care less about me (the fact that i can remember things from nine years ago about someone proves how pathetic i am or how great my memory is - thank You, God!) but what they did for me, when i was alone, when my girlfriend left me, when i was studying for the bar, when this or that guy just asked me out for sex and not see the beautiful person that i was, that meant something to me.  i may not be a lot of things right now, but i would like to think that made me better.  what i picked up from my interactions with them just reinforced the values i believe in and still follow now,  making me the better, less annoying but still stalker-like person i am today.

i think.

angry girl journal 05.23.2013

i miss my parents

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it's just one of those days when it dawns on me that they're gone, i don't have them with me anymore.  

it's just me.  alone. 

no one to turn to if i needed money.  no one to take me to the hospital when i'm sick. no one to spend special occasions with.  no one to look after my kids while i'm at work, assuming i'll still have any.  no one who will be happy when i achieved something.  no one who will get mad at me for not spending time with them. no one telling me i made the wrong choices. 

i know my parents and i never had that kind of relationship because i'm stubborn.  they raised me well and i love them for it.  it wasn't all great, our lives as a family.   but the fact that they're gone made me lose the hope that things will get better. i know i have friends but i don't really want to worry them, i don't want to go to them for help. i don't want to be a burden to them. 

remembering just makes me sad.

it's funny how i look after everyone else but at the end of the day, i have no one to take care of me, nobody i can rely on to watch my back but me.  

it's just me.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

we Filipinos are critical because . . .

i've been following The Voice ever since this season started.  i used to not pay attention to it but i realize that this is a better contest than American Idol.  let's face it, we're only interested in AI when there's a Filipino contestant.

it is better than AI because of the blind auditions, so the focus is really on the individual's voice, not his appearance, not his status.  the coaches pick the artist and mold him for the next few weeks until they get kicked out.  sounds like fun and fair, right?

so of the twelve that made it, i have two favorites.  but real quickly:  Sasha Allen is overrated.  she has a beautiful voice and she was with theater before, but i think she will have the tendency to be overconfident, just like Amber Carrington, whom Adam picked over her in the battle rounds.  Holly Tucker needs to be more confident but at the same time not have to divert too much in order to get the high notes.  Sarah Simmons's style just sounds like her ex-teammate Caroline Glaser, with a higher vocal range. i didn't like her version of Sarah McLachlan's Angel last week (of course, i'm biased) but she did better with her rendition of The Story today.    Vedo and Kris Thomas have the same style, although Kris has the advantage because he sounds like a girl.  he was actually very pitchy today, when he sang the Jackson Five's I'll be There.  it's like he hesitated and if you weren't paying attention, you would have heard that he missed a note.  i think the Swon Brothers are pretty cool but it more has to do with my ignorance of country music that i cannot say much.  i think Danielle Bradbery is great artist waiting to happen, kinda like a young Carrie Underwood.  Garrett Gardner.  hmmm . . . while i agree with Shakira that you have to take big risks in order for you to reap big benefits, the song, was just not right.  doing a rock version of the Backstreet Boys' I Want it That Way is not like Marty Casey doing his version of Britney's (Hit Me, Baby) One More Time or Linkin Park's Rolling in the Deep or My Chemical Romance's Gerard Way of Rihanna's Umbrella.  it just did not work.  nope.

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Josiah Hawley

while i think he's cute, i'm still not sure i agree with his coach Usher that he is a young Adam Levine. i'm still trying to make up my mind about him.

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Michelle Chamuel

i really think Michelle is an underdog.  she's very talented and you can, as a viewer, immediately underestimate her because of her appearance.  the moment she opens her mouth to sing, while there is a little hesitation, you know that she is speaking from the heart.

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Judith Hill

this wonderful lady of both Japanese and African-American descent used to do back up vocals for the King of Pop Michael Jackson.  yes, you read that right, MICHAEL JACKSON.  she is slowly making a name for herself in the show.  she is such an artist.  in a way, she reminds of me what David Cook used to do, during his AI stint.  he would come up with his own arrangements of the classics, Hello, Billie Jean and of course, he made me appreciate Mariah Carey's Always be my Baby.  but Judith is much more than that.  she can hold the crowd.  like Michelle Chamuel, she has a way of making the crowd fall in love with her.  she brings me to tears when i hear her sing.

Filipinos are known now all over the world not just for our domestic helpers, caregivers and nurses, but for Manny Pacquiao and world class singers like Lea Salonga, Arnel Pineda, Charice Pempengco (so the girl lost it, but you can't change the fact that she's got the voice), Jessica Sanchez (we all jumped and rode the wagon with her) and a number of others who have Filipino blood in their genes.  we all love to sing, even though sometimes singing doesn't really love us back.  that's why we have so many karaoke** outlets out there.  we are all very critical of musical artists (because sadly, not a lot of us like to read, or appreciate a sculpture or painting - unless it's a graphic novel) we're a third-world country, we have to amuse ourselves and poke fun on somebody else to keep us from remembering that our bellies our empty.  i know i always said i sing better when i'm hungry.

i really can't wait to see what happens in The Voice this season.  we will see if their viewers are more discriminating than the ones who vote in AI.


*photos courtesy of nbc.com

** i would rather be in a videoke bar with a person who is out of tune but tries than one who is in tune but 1) takes too long to be convinced to get the microphone to sing; and 2) hogs the microphone the moment he/she has it.  

Sunday, May 19, 2013

now that they shot there, i want to go there too

i missed the match-airing finale episode of the Survivor Caramoan: Fans vs. Favorites, because i had to work during the day as part of the preparation for my new role which will start in July 2013.  i didn't mind since i knew they were showing the replay today.  and my favorite people won.

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both Cochran and Malcolm have been watching Survivor since they were kids.  they're both big fans of the show.  while i do have a preference for Malcolm, i do think that John deserved to win.  i mean, i could totally understand Malcolm's question to John during Tribal Council, about what he thought he had over Malcolm.  i have the utmost respect for John. he is funny, he is brilliant and he is a big strategic threat.  Malcolm, on the other hand, is both a physical and strategic threat.  he can slap you in the face and you would still hand over the million dollars to him, which is why he got voted out so quickly in the game that featured veterans like him.  so sad.  but he won the $100K.  yey!

***

i don't want to be an alien to my own country.  i also do have to make good my word to go out and take more vacations.  so i intend to save some money and get some leave days in order to visit Caramoan.  the place is already famous in itself, which is why they shot there, but i guess now, they will do some more marketing maneuvering and jack up the prices some more because of Survivor.  i really think it would be a good place to go to.  i could really lose weight out there. lol.

anyway, i really hope i can go there.  and hopefully, you will go with me.  i know it's a long shot but a girl can dream, right?  so i can truly be happy :)

Thursday, May 16, 2013

angry girl journal 05.16.2013

i don't go to church.

i don't go to church like i don't believe in marriage.  well, i believe in God, or the Higher Power that guides us all but i don't go to church anymore.  it's embarrassing to say that i only go to church when i feel like it, it's just that i want to be able to talk to my Creator freely and not have to worry about other people.

now, just because i don't go to church it means i'm a bad person.  i can go on here about people who go to church but do this and that but i'm not going there. i try to be good.  i try to do what i think is right, what i was raised to believe was right.   just because i don't go to church doesn't mean i don't pray, i do.  i talk to my Creator a lot.  i ask Him (or Her) for guidance, protection, strength.  i thank Him (or Her) for the many blessings that i have right now.  i am grateful for all the opportunities given to me.  yes, i could be happier.  but i could've had it worse.  so i am grateful.

while i'm not particularly pious (M used to say that whenever I said "religious"), this is what gets me through BBB (buwis-buhay bus) rides and being home alone.

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that, and i have a knife too.

i do believe in the Creator's power to look after all of us but i also believe that God helps those who helps themselves.  hence, the knife.

which i don't use to slash my wrists anymore.

Monday, May 13, 2013

angry girl journal 05.11.2013

i was about two or three years old when i first went to Baguio.  i don’t remember much.  my mother and father had a fight because she caught him cheating so she ran off and took her young toddler with her (me) on the six-hour ride to get as far away from him as possible.

years later, my mother got sick with cancer so we decided as a family to take a vacation to go there again.  it was a quick trip which i didn’t get to enjoy much.  it was one of those last trips out of town my parents and i got to go to before she died. come to think of it, it was the last trip my father and i ever went to, together.

so when my friends from my former company asked me if i was doing anything this weekend, i didn’t even think twice.  we went.  i have been talking and thinking about going to Baguio on my own, as part of my “alone time” but i’m afraid to leave the house, i’m afraid i wouldn’t know where to go.

i'm afraid period.  going with them wasn’t what i had initially planned but it was better than not going at all.

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so of all days, we picked the senatorial election weekend to go to Baguio so all deluxe rides were fully booked and it was even more difficult getting the ordinary ones to get there and back.  but for an overnight stay in a place that took us seven hours to get to, we were able to go to ukay-ukay, the PX goods place, and the zipline.  we even got to drink despite the liquor ban.

***
my father was an ass.  but for all his arrogance, the man was fearless.  because he thought he could beat anyone at anything, he wasn't afraid to stand up to anyone.  he wasn't afraid of anything.  and while he was mean to me and my mom, all those times my mother was scared, whether it was the dark or dogs, or going out too deep in the water or heights, he was there to say, "it's okay, i'm here.  don't be afraid, i'll catch you . . ." that, or if you don't do it, i will give you a spanking anyway.  hahaha.

of course, it was different with cancer.

so for someone who is so afraid of heights, being in a queue for a ride going to a zipline isn't something you'd expect me to do.  but i did.

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" . . but i could take you with me
just ask and i'll take you with you
and you can see those seasons too, but from a different view . . ."

- Evelyn Burke, Travel Song

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now i can check that out of my bucket list.

the trip made me think about them a little, my parents.  i was thinking about a great number of other things while i was there.  maybe i'll go back again.  alone this time.

Thursday, May 09, 2013

angry girl journal 05.09.2013

i'm learning to walk again
i believe i've waited long enough
where do i begin?

Walk, Foo Fighters

i am so not used to getting what (who) i want that when i do, even though it's right in front of me, i get so overwhelmed and not believe it.

in a few weeks, i'm going to be doing something else.  well, it's relatively the same, but different and i'm pretty much excited that i'm finally going to be able to get out of this shell.  don't get me wrong, i love my job, i love my boss.  i can't remember who said it, but i remember hearing somewhere that if you're no longer challenged by the things you are doing, because you are too comfortable, it's time to move on.  i've been really comfortable with what i'm doing that i find myself being complacent sometimes, which i don't like.

i love my boss.  i think he's amazing.  i love that i am able to help other people by helping him.  i love that he values my opinions and that he trusts me.  he believes i can do many things.  the problem is, i do tend to doubt myself because he and i have been working together for so long that i'm afraid that what seems to be "amazing" to him, may be mediocre for someone else.  and this may sound corny, but ever since Dead Poets Society, i've always wanted to be able to touch other people's lives by teaching.  i want to be able to share whatever information, be it the books i've read, the movies i've seen, the songs i've listened to, to everyone and hope that coming away from that conversation, i made them think about it somehow.  i need to try to do it, at least, so i know i'm not missing out.  i don't want to stay where i am, keep doing what i'm doing and then blame my boss for not letting me try it out.

where do i start, where do i begin?
where do i start, where do i begin?

where do i start, where do i begin?
where do i start, where do i begin?

Where Do I Begin, The Chemical Brothers featuring Beth Orton

of course, there's also separation anxiety.  i've grown very protective of my boss, to the point of being very selfish.  he is a great man from whom you can learn a lot of things.  he is very empowering and trusting.  he believes in everyone's capacity to do great things.  i know because he believed in me and he continues to do so.  i don't ever want to let him down.  i've seen him get burned because of his faith in people but it doesn't stop him from believing anyway.  i can't say, i won't say, that i'm the only person who can do this job for him.  anyone can do this job, but not everyone can be trusted with this job.  which is why it's hard to leave.

i still can't believe i got accepted.  i still can't believe i will be doing something totally out of my comfort zone for the second half of the year.  i am excited, overwhelmed and nervous at the same time.  i don't want to waste this opportunity and i hope to make the most out of it.

Starting today I'm not gonna waste another moment... 

- Starting Today, Natalie Imbruglia

Saturday, May 04, 2013

makes me feel better i wasn't popular in high school

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 i wasn't popular in high school. and neither was Mindy Kaling. but she's funny.

i'd like to think i am funny too.

i don't really follow her show  like most people but i bought her book and i actually thought it was amusing.  i liked the book.  somehow i could relate to her.  i have trouble losing weight.  i have trouble finding a man in my life.  i have trouble getting to where i want to be professionally.  i appreciated her efforts, her positivity and i hope to be just as optimistic about my life as she had been and continue to do so.  i'm not that cheerful. hopeful to some degree but i've been so used to rejection that i am skeptical that things will actually be any better for me.  in a way, she is to me, like an Indian Jessica Zafra, only flirtatious.  she sounds like she's ingested a lot of helium (she refers to her voice as sounding like that of an eleven year-old girl) and she still believes in fairy tales coming true (marriage), which i totally respect.  i do believe that there is someone out there for me but i don't want to get my hopes up anymore.  i agree that marriage takes a lot of work and that if you were to get married you should be with the one you love who's also your pal.

i don't have either.  someone said i am difficult to live with.  maybe that's true.  maybe i'm just looking for someone as passionate as i am and someone who is equally passionate about me as i am about them.


“I'm not talking about commitment to romantic relationships. I'm talking about commitment to things: houses, jobs, neighborhoods. Having a job that requires a contract. Paying a mortgage. I think when men hear that women want a commitment, they think it means commitment to a romantic relationship, but that's not it. It's a commitment to not floating around anymore. I want a guy who is entrenched in his own life.”

― Mindy Kaling, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? 


i wasn't popular in high school.  i wasn't popular in college.  i am not popular at work.  but i am patient.  i'd like to think that there's a payoff  somewhere waiting for me, both in my love life and in my career and not just some punchline out to hit me in the face.

Friday, May 03, 2013

angry girl journal 05.03.2013

We've come a long long way together,
Through the hard times and the good,
I have to celebrate you baby,
I have to praise you like I should


- Praise You, Fatboy Slim

we've been through a lot, you and i,  good times and bad.  those times i only had P20 and it wasn't even enough for me to get home.

but i have to let you go and move on.

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yes, that IS a ribbon on my new wallet.

***

it would've been nice if i watched Iron Man 3 with you like we agreed we would but i don't think that's ever gonna happen, what with your busy schedule and all.  too much has happened and i don't think we're ever going to talk again.i have to do away with you just like i did the wallet, which shouldn't be so hard considering you left first.