Thursday, February 28, 2013

angry girl journal 02.28.2013

i was told that maybe i'm afraid to love or that if i really wanted it,  that i should pray and ask God for it.  as they say, 

"ask and you shall receive".

i've always said that i have an unconventional relationship with my Creator and while your name always seems to come up when i talk to Him, and i don't exactly, specifically, ask for you to love me back, i do believe in free will.  if i asked God for you to love me back, it's like asking God to take away your free will, correct?  so if i gave everything to a person, asked that that person be okay all the time, that he/she learn how to respect me, or that i be given the strength to move on from that human being but not really asked for that person's love specifically, that person will not be "given" to me, is that also correct?  so should i have asked?  and if i asked, will i, then receive?  besides, in the Old Testament, Exodus 10:27, when God tasked upon Moses to get His people, the Israelites,  from Egypt, the Pharaoh would not let His people go, for 

" . . .  the Lord hardened the pharaoh's heart . . ", 


so really, even if i did ask, if God doesn't want it to be so, it won't happen.

i also think that my wanting to have a partner in life is wholly insignificant compared to let's say, poverty, hunger, terrorism, corruption, disease or all the other problems of the world.  and i feel it would be very selfish of me to keep asking for a partner when there are far more important things to ask for around me that deserve that conversation with God.

so given all these premises, for the sake of the argument, since i didn't and don't want to ask God for you,  can i ask for him instead?  and if i prayed really hard to have him in my life, does it follow that i will?