Monday, February 11, 2013

angry girl journal 02.11.2013

girl:   . . . you have a woman who's been pining over you for the last four years and lost nearly everything she has to you

guy:  that woman saved my life.  i owe her everything . . .

girl:  i'm sure she's happy to hear that

guy:   . . . even my life*

guys don't look at me and say to themselves, "that, is the woman i am going to spend the rest of my life with".  they look at me and think to themselves, " hey, that looks like a cool chick who'll let me shag her without commitment" or, "wow, she looks stupid enough i can con her into giving me all her money". it hurts to think that all the men  in my life never saw a future with me.  neither did the women.  no one who said, " i was a lost soul, i never did anything right in my life, and then i met bels . . ."

contrary to popular belief, i wasn't always this liberal.  i was always angry but i wasn't always "liberal".  like everyone i had this fantasy of living happily ever after.  i didn't dream about myself marching down the aisle church in white, but i wanted the happily ever after.  i wanted to be with someone who would sweep me off my feet, someone who would see past the angry exterior and save me from my past; someone who wasn't like my Dad.  my Dad who always made me and my mother feel like we were never good enough but at the same time cheated.  i wanted someone who didn't hurt me with words and when he couldn't make his point, hurt me with his fists.  i don't want that.  i don't want that in a partner, man or woman.  i didn't used to have a wall around my heart, i wasn't afraid of letting go before, of letting people in.  but i trusted too much and people have used me and let down so much and now i make it difficult for the people who care about me to actually do.  i know i'm difficult.  but when people need help they always seem to come to me so i must be doing something right.  right?

***
"Did you ever stop to think that what's in character for me isn't working for me? I'm 35-ish, I don't have a boyfriend, I live by myself, I go to work, come home, go to work. Is it so beyond the realm of reason that I want just a little bit more from my life, or is that just too much for you to wrap your little pea-brain around?"

Mary Shannon, In Plain Sight

*actual converstion between you and me last November 18, 2012 about an incident in April 2012