Thursday, February 28, 2013

angry girl journal 02.28.2013

i was told that maybe i'm afraid to love or that if i really wanted it,  that i should pray and ask God for it.  as they say, 

"ask and you shall receive".

i've always said that i have an unconventional relationship with my Creator and while your name always seems to come up when i talk to Him, and i don't exactly, specifically, ask for you to love me back, i do believe in free will.  if i asked God for you to love me back, it's like asking God to take away your free will, correct?  so if i gave everything to a person, asked that that person be okay all the time, that he/she learn how to respect me, or that i be given the strength to move on from that human being but not really asked for that person's love specifically, that person will not be "given" to me, is that also correct?  so should i have asked?  and if i asked, will i, then receive?  besides, in the Old Testament, Exodus 10:27, when God tasked upon Moses to get His people, the Israelites,  from Egypt, the Pharaoh would not let His people go, for 

" . . .  the Lord hardened the pharaoh's heart . . ", 

so really, even if i did ask, if God doesn't want it to be so, it won't happen.

i also think that my wanting to have a partner in life is wholly insignificant compared to let's say, poverty, hunger, terrorism, corruption, disease or all the other problems of the world.  and i feel it would be very selfish of me to keep asking for a partner when there are far more important things to ask for around me that deserve that conversation with God.

so given all these premises, for the sake of the argument, since i didn't and don't want to ask God for you,  can i ask for him instead?  and if i prayed really hard to have him in my life, does it follow that i will?

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

angry girl journal 02.26.2013

i realize that this is difficult for you and i am aware and i fully understand the circumstances surrounding your situation, which is why this has been going on for as long as it is.  but you have to understand, and this is the part where i say that i hate to bring up past incidents, that i also have obligations that i put aside in order to accommodate you, obligations that i now need to attend to.  i need you to understand that.

Go on, go on, go on, if you were thinking that the worst is yet to come
Why am I the one always packing up my stuff?

Why Am The One?  FUN

i can't keep on saving you.  i can't keep putting you first.  maybe it's about time you thought about people other than yourself, like the ones who go out on a limb for you just to save your ass, and not just the ones who give you an erection.

Friday, February 15, 2013

when Kosovo comes over

we just lost her, the agent we visited yesterday.  like i said, i didn't know her personally, but i would be lying if i said i wasn't affected.

we are all aware about the violence happening in our society.  we are afraid of it, but more often than not we are apathetic.  we don't really care unless and until it happens to us, we never really realize how bad it feels.  it's just like Jade's analogy - we never know how real the danger is until it happens to us.

i didn't care about this person had i not found out about her story and maybe after this, i wouldn't care again.  but for a brief moment i did and she meant something to me just like anybody else i ever cared about in my life.

sometimes, miserable things have to happen before we wake up.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

it's just another ordinary Thursday for me

there's a hobo who sleeps at the 7 eleven near our office.  unlike most homeless people, he's relatively "clean" and unique - he's a foreigner.  he used to be a military man who fell in love with a Filipina who conned him of all of his money so he's just been wandering around for the last three years sleeping at 7 eleven stores.  he kinda looks like one of our executives, actually.  people who've seen him have offered him food and money and even tried to help him get to the US Embassy to get help but he says he'll manage.  at 6am he wakes up and walks around again.

 photo americanhobo_zpsaee5d11b.jpg

when i got home i saw My Best Friend's Wedding showing on HBO.  i wanted to watch it but i tried my best to sleep since i had to wake up early to meet my boss.  the one time i needed to wake up early i couldn't sleep and when i finally got it, it was time to wake up.  when i checked the telly before i left, they were showing While You Were Sleeping.  it is still a day dedicated to romance, after all.

i met my boss near the church in EDSA since we were going to visit one of our agents who got severely stabbed while trying to protect her sister from the ex-boyfriend.  while her sister is stable, she's still in a coma.  it was my first time to talk to a person who was asleep, and we didn't even know each other.  all i know is that she was brave and that she loved.  i touched her briefly but it was she who touched my life at that instant.

 photo cathygino_zps5c5f254d.jpg

i am glad that no matter how violent i am i haven't completely checked out and given in to the dark side.  no matter how obsessed i've become with someone they still all managed to leave me unscathed.  if i was any violent they would all be dead by now and not happily married to someone else.

maybe i haven't really been in love.  or maybe i've been too hurt that i cannot bear to lose everything or dare to risk what i have left.  love is caring more about someone else's happiness other than your own.  it doesn't mean to hurt anyone.  it shouldn't be about money, or jealousy.  it is about selflessness.  maybe that's why i'm alone.  because i haven't met anyone who thinks the same way or anyone who would make me share the purest part of my heart i managed to protect, to quote from In Plain Sight's Marshall Mann.

it's just another day in the office, i know, but for some insane reason, this day has been about love, not mine, but about love nevertheless.

*photo courtesy of article from Inquirer website

Monday, February 11, 2013

angry girl journal 02.11.2013

girl:   . . . you have a woman who's been pining over you for the last four years and lost nearly everything she has to you

guy:  that woman saved my life.  i owe her everything . . .

girl:  i'm sure she's happy to hear that

guy:   . . . even my life*

guys don't look at me and say to themselves, "that, is the woman i am going to spend the rest of my life with".  they look at me and think to themselves, " hey, that looks like a cool chick who'll let me shag her without commitment" or, "wow, she looks stupid enough i can con her into giving me all her money". it hurts to think that all the men  in my life never saw a future with me.  neither did the women.  no one who said, " i was a lost soul, i never did anything right in my life, and then i met bels . . ."

contrary to popular belief, i wasn't always this liberal.  i was always angry but i wasn't always "liberal".  like everyone i had this fantasy of living happily ever after.  i didn't dream about myself marching down the aisle church in white, but i wanted the happily ever after.  i wanted to be with someone who would sweep me off my feet, someone who would see past the angry exterior and save me from my past; someone who wasn't like my Dad.  my Dad who always made me and my mother feel like we were never good enough but at the same time cheated.  i wanted someone who didn't hurt me with words and when he couldn't make his point, hurt me with his fists.  i don't want that.  i don't want that in a partner, man or woman.  i didn't used to have a wall around my heart, i wasn't afraid of letting go before, of letting people in.  but i trusted too much and people have used me and let down so much and now i make it difficult for the people who care about me to actually do.  i know i'm difficult.  but when people need help they always seem to come to me so i must be doing something right.  right?

"Did you ever stop to think that what's in character for me isn't working for me? I'm 35-ish, I don't have a boyfriend, I live by myself, I go to work, come home, go to work. Is it so beyond the realm of reason that I want just a little bit more from my life, or is that just too much for you to wrap your little pea-brain around?"

Mary Shannon, In Plain Sight

*actual converstion between you and me last November 18, 2012 about an incident in April 2012

Tuesday, February 05, 2013

angry girl journal 02.05.2013

Bakit ngayon ka lang
Bakit ngayon kung kailan ang aking puso'y
Mayron nang laman

i love it when you sharpen your pencils.  it allows us to interact. and that, was the first song you sang to me.

If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go

thank you for indulging me.  i know that guys only sing to me when they're forced to :(

Saturday, February 02, 2013

too much candy

for starters, this is NOT a date.

i've been wanting to see the movie ever since i saw the trailer.  i fell in love with Jeremy Renner ever since the Bourne Legacy and i always thought Gemma Arterton was hot.


i intended to see it alone but since a friend wanted to see me, i told him i'd meet him to watch the movie and then just hang out afterwards.  i couldn't convince him to watch Les Miserables.

the story is about the adult life of Hansel and Gretel after they defeat the witch that trapped them in the gingerbread house.  they become famed bounty hunters dedicated to mercilessly exterminating witches. they are immune to spells and curses, however, Hansel is diabetic and has to take a regular shot of insulin everyday.

i thought it was a bad-ass movie.  i liked it.  i also dream of one day fitting into Gretel's pants if i can't get into Hansel's.