Thursday, December 26, 2013

if i needed to know what love was, this book could help

i had this book for a while but i didn't get to start reading it until the day i was scheduled to be operated on. i didn't get to finish it then so i started over.  there were lots of really cool definitions in it.

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from the writer of Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, this book is a delight in the sense that it is not like any of the books i've read. it tells the story of a guy who met somebody online, how they started dating and then when she (yes, i had to read it twice, at least, to know this was a heterosexual love story but it is relatable enough that it might as well be homosexual) moved in, how she had this drinking problem and when she cheated, how he knew it was over. the story is not  told in chronological order but instead arranged alphabetically like dictionary entries that describe bits and pieces of the relationship, its joys and its sorrows.

this is the "healthy" i am used to, by the way. 

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***
i had to hear your voice.  i missed you.

it wasn't a matter of life and death and i could very well survive the next few days without having to hear from you but it was nice that i could.  i got used to having you as part of my day.  either way, i would've been fine but i am glad that you are there and that i know you are, even if i can't.  we can't. 

Monday, December 23, 2013

angry girl journal 12.23.2013: house arrest due to sickness

one of the advantages of being on "house arrest" because of sickness is that i get to avoid the Christmas rush and the horrible traffic that comes with it.  i've seen too many pissed off feeds on my Facebook account to know i'm fortunate to be stuck at home.

the disadvantage though, is that i haven't gotten anyone anything yet, or done any shopping for me. also, i don't get to do my annual tradition of visiting the office guards and service masters. i especially miss the ones in my original building.  they were all so nice to me and these past six months i was away i felt the difference, the advantages of being in your "home court".  the people in this other building are nice, but only because most of them know me from the other building. LOL.

i get to write, catch up on my reading and all the tv series i missed because of the long hours i spent at work, if i wasn't commuting to or from it.  but i also saw my life with you, with them, the past years of my life. alone in this house i got to "review" all of that. what an idiot i was. i laugh about it now but i was so fucking stupid for so long and it still hurts me knowing all that time you used me. you never respected me.  you never cared about me.  we will never go back to the way it was and i really don't want to go back to the parasitical relationship we had where you preyed on my need to be needed so that i could feed your gambling addiction.  me paiyak-iyak ka pa*. remembering all of that just makes me so angry and so sad.

i really wanted to travel.  i had hoped to travel with him, but as it turns out he is no different from you.  different animal, same core, same fucking liar.  me pagdrama pa siya na magkaiba daw kayo**, that just because you hurt me it doesn't mean that he would too. now, if there's one takeaway from those four years i let myself be deluded by you was that there are just some things which are too good to be true.  the downside is, i lose so many people.  i push them away so bad before i let them in, before they can start caring about me because i don't allow them in my life.  i'm too scared they might hurt me the way you did.

anyway, i digress.  i really wanted to travel.  but i can't even do simple things here in the house, you know, like SIT or LIE DOWN.  LOL.  can't even exercise or do any other strenuous activity. NO SEX. LOL.  no wine drinking. *sigh* hopefully i can go meet some of my friends, at least.

so, travel.  2014 will be a busy year.  i know because my new boss warned me so, but i'm hopeful that i will get to unwind and travel.  whether alone or with someone (friends, someone special, friends lol), i will travel.  i have to.  

*you even cried
**he acted out and said that the two of you were different.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

yes, even the coffee planner is sensitive

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this is the entry on the Starbucks planner for today, the 22nd of December.

so if i am alone, should i be checking on me or people alone, like myself?

and the people who have the planner who know fully well that i am alone, would it make them any less thoughtful if they didn't check on me?

like i said, i have no problems being alone.  God has been watching over and taking care of me for all this time.  even if i am a sinner, He loves me.  He never stopped loving me.  it sounds weird coming from me, i know, but i am grateful to be loved and taken care of.  

so to anybody else out there who is like me, and by that, i mean alone and not weird or crazy, remember that you are not truly alone. there is a Higher Power out there watching over you.  

Sunday, December 15, 2013

i couldn't get it off my head because i could've written it myself

he took the words right out of my mouth, and you know i am not one to run out of words.

these were words i would've sung to you . . .

Say Something
A Great Big World

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I am feeling so small.
It was over my head
I know nothing at all.

And I will stumble and fall.
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I will swallow my pride.
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
And anywhere, I would have followed you.
Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I'm giving up on you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
Say something...

Saturday, December 14, 2013

angry girl journal 12.14.2013

let's face it.  if not for this operation i wouldn't really take a break.

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so, some fairly cute male nurses have been assigned to me since yesterday. there are just certain things they can't help me with but i should be good. there's something hot about those scrubs, i just have to say, though. it's like they were uncomfortable assisting me.  they were trying to avoid any sexual harassment charges, i guess. i had no problem, really.  i knew they were doing their jobs.  and they did do a great job of taking care of me.

i got this book when Chris visited.  he brought over chocolates too.  it's pretty amazing, so far.  it encourages you to think out of the box and do something other people won't normally do.  while it is a big risk to go against the system,  there are times when you can reap the most benefits from doing so.  

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Friday, December 13, 2013

angry girl journal 12.13.2013

i must've done something good.  i still can't believe it.

hours before my operation i received news about the post i have been praying for:  i will do no rejoicing and i don't really want to let anybody know until i see it in black and white.  i mean, they might change their minds over the holidays while i'm away, right?  i wouldn't consider it final until it is.  although i will be smiling the whole time, like all thirty-two of my teeth will be out.  God is great.  life is great.

***

i tried to make peace with you.  i really did.  i didn't want to die on the operating table without making peace with everyone.  hell, i even reached out to him ("any chance i will get paid this year?") for good measure. of course, he didn't reply.   what do you expect, right?  i have to admit that i did miss you.  i would like to think you and i had fun together and that you did care about me, apart from the fact that you did try with me.  we didn't really have to go back to the way things were, flirting and all, i thought we had a friendship.  but then you were being difficult,  you were being who you really were:  an ass.  and people like you are supposed to be better than sinners like me.

you don't get to flip the switch on me, get mad and accuse me of being vague. YOU JUST FUCKING CAN'T.   you know what you did. YOU KNOW WHAT SHIT I'M REFERRING TO.  you pretended to care about me.  you know that you lied to me.  i don't have to explain.  it is common knowledge how you break the ladies' hearts.  they just weren't aware that you dared to try to break mine.

***

i'm a very difficult person to live with.  i am such a strong and independent character.  i have been so used to living alone, doing everything on my own that i don't rely on anyone.  i do have the tendency to push away the people who care about me.  it's a character flaw.  i find it difficult to ask people for help.  i don't want to be a burden to other people.  besides, when i don't rely on people, the less disappointed i become when they're not there.

***

i was going for Gogo Yubari but i ended up looking like Britney Spears in the process.  it's all good.

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Wednesday, December 11, 2013

sunny disposition. right.

people who have known me for a long time know that i'm not famous for my sunny disposition. i am known for being a workaholic, a good singer, writer, stalker. and one of my biggest areas of opportunity is being too transparent: when i'm sad, stressed or angry, you will know a mile away.  i don't smile!

so when one of my co-workers told me that she likes seeing me because "you're always smiling.  it's like you don't have any problems.  you always seem to have a sunny disposition . . .", it blew me away. it was the first time i heard someone say that about me, the fact that i am unable to convey, through her eyes the heavy burden i bear, the tasks i need done. it's like when people compliment me and tell me i'm "blooming" when i'm actually miserable and hollow inside. WOW.  she went on to ask if i had any kids or a family and i told her how pathetic i was. lels. our other colleague told her about how devoted i was towards my work and then she said, "you're probably a really very loving person. i can tell because you look really happy all the time".  so again, when i told her that people never really take me seriously, she couldn't believe it. i just joked about how guys only want either my money or my body, but it's actually true.

i know for a fact, and this isn't just me tooting my horn here that i will be missed. i know they already do miss me where i came from.  i do have that effect on people.

everywhere i go, whatever it is that i do, i only long for one thing: to make a difference.  whether we spent five minutes, five hours, five years together, i want to make that lasting impression, i want to make that moment count; love me or hate me, you will remember me somehow.  because i'll never have that time back again and neither will you.  so i don't want to waste it.

***
in all that time i've been doing that, i never let it get to my head, i did my best and i always kept in mind that all my actions weren't just a reflection of me but of the higher power i represent. so when i hear people say that they don't like him because you're doing a lousy job, it hurts me because i spent a great portion of my life just protecting him and all the good he stands for.  i do my best to make good working relationships.  it hurts me that i did my job and i know that i didn't get there without the help of others while here you are getting credit for someone else's work.  you are very fortunate that he is a wonderful human being and i hope you realize that before all your shortcomings catch up with you. 

one can only pretend for so long. 

Sunday, December 08, 2013

bels over flowers

i've been having this insane yearning for white roses, i don't know why. it's weird because i'm not really into flowers.

it wouldn't hurt though, if . . .

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Sunday, December 01, 2013

Person of Interest: even Big Brother is a sappy romantic

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"You changed my mind, Joss.

Then changed me . . . "

maybe it's the sappy romantic in me who sees John flirting with Zoe but knows he's really in love with Joss. it's not even a frigging love story, Person of Interest, but that scene got me.

of course, Taraji Henson gets killed off in the same episode so we never get to see how the Reese-Carter romance turns out.

Reese was always a mysterious character, like his employer Finch, but both are also romantic people.  Finch gave up being with Grace because he knew that if he stayed with her, it would only endanger her life.  Reese, having lost the person he loved the most, is very guarded, like Finch, about his past and his heart but he has a soft spot for Joss and would go out of his way to protect her.

let's not forget, it was the Machine who paved the way for Grace and Harold's romance and it is what led Finch to Reese when he bailed him out while being interrogated by Carter. in a way, you could say that the Machine inherited some "human" qualities and played Cupid with the two main characters' lives.

the show may be a crime drama but there is certainly some romance comedy in there. every once in a while, when you're not paying attention, Finch or Reese will throw in a joke somewhere.  and while it may take a while for either of them to "fall in love", so to speak, since there are so many people out there to save, i know the Machine will maneuver it somehow. 

Big Brother, after all, sees and hears everything.

Saturday, November 30, 2013

angry girl journal 11.30.2013

i get mad every time i think about you, talk about you. sometimes, i'm not sure i'm still mad at you, or if i'm mad at myself for loving you, believing you for so long.

but that's just it: i did love you. i'm done.  i'm over it. i just need to pick up the pieces and make sure it doesn't happen again with someone else.  assuming i still have something left in me to give, assuming i'd even allow anybody in.

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this is the first picture that you and i had together, the one i hold close to my heart.  it's like our song.  no matter how mad i am with you, no matter how much you hurt me, no matter where you are:  i would like to think, no, wait, i know, that if anyone asks you or i what our song is, we would have the same answer.

***

if and when i do see you, i'm just going to smile.  my anger, my disappointment in you has already passed.  i have forgiven you.  you know who you are.  you know WHAT  you are. and i shouldn't have to explain. 

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

angry girl journal 11.26.2013

Nathan gave me the news.  i just need Mike to confirm.

i know how hard it is for Nathan to let me go.  he and i have been working together for so long.  you could say that we've been each other's comfort zones, but like i said before: i don't want to stay working for him and then have to resent him later on because i never got to do something else.

i know. don't ask for a bigger job. make your job bigger.  i have.  i have built this for others to start on.  i have empowered my peers.  i have showed them that we are essential and effective partners of the business.  and more importantly, that we can leverage on this role to move on to something else.  this is not a dead end job.  it is just as Nathan said, this is an opportunity for greater things, better things.  and i will embrace it with my whole heart.

i am excited because i've always wanted to work with Mike.  you can say i've had this big crush on him (regardless of what people thought of him), even when he was still my client.  i was really happy i moved  because that gave me a chance to see him again, get to smoke with him (well, i won't now) and joke around with him a couple of times.  yes, i live for the banter.  but yes, i wanted to work for him, work with him for a long time, and i don't mean as his assistant.

i believe that if you believed in yourself and you worked hard enough, kept your dignity, respected people you meet along the way and not give in to greed that you will succeed.  i still believe that. it's what makes me disappointed when i see people who did the exact opposite and succeeded anyway.  it's what make me lose faith sometimes, in my Creator, in myself, in other people.  but there is no greater recipe, to me, for success, than that.  it is the only way to go.

thank you, Universe.  

Saturday, November 23, 2013

the universe's response to my Urban Dub request

i sent out a request to the universe if i could have a picture taken with the members of Urban Dub.  they were performing in the office for one of our functions and i put it out there that i was hoping to get a picture taken with the band.  the universe heard my shout out because apparently, somebody told somebody  and then they told someone about my request.  next thing i knew somebody approached me and asked me if i was ready to have my picture taken with the band.  one of the interns i inducted just let me in (more like pushed and hid me) back stage to have this picture taken.

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i love my job.  i love that i do well enough in my job to establish good relationships that allow me to have privileges such as these.

now you know how i love to ambush people, right?  so this last photo, we got when the two other members were on their way out.  and i didn't even need a special pass to get them done.

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guess if i really wanted something and i needed the universe to conspire to help me achieve it, i need to be more specific.

Lord, i don't want the boy.  I WANT THE POST.

ktnxbye.

Monday, November 18, 2013

angry girl journal 11.18.2013

usually, whenever i try my best to do something to impress a guy, it always ends badly. it doesn't last:  i tried losing weight, drinking until my liver couldn't bear it, gyrating like a gypsy, going as far as the other side of the city, losing money. the maximum i've stayed fixated on a guy (or girl) is three (3) months, not counting that last one which ended very horribly. that delusion lasted four years. anyway, this time, doing something to impress a guy (yes, it is a guy this time) is actually something i have been thinking about for a long time now.  this thing that i'm doing is actually good for me.  that it is getting the attention of a guy is just a bonus.

yes, people:  i have not been smoking (well, i'm still hot lol) for 18 days.  get that: EIGHTEEN DAYS.

this one i want to keep doing even after three months, and i'm over whoever it is i tried to impress. i don't live to impress. never have, not going to start now.

resolve is also my strong trait.

***

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for starters, i am not selling something.  i don't like using my full name, unless it's to sign a paper that's required by law, so the idea of using the middle initial is out of the question.  i don't want to ask how he feels.  he doesn't have feelings.  

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

angry girl journal 11.12.2013

No I'm not the girl I used to be lately
See you met me at an interesting time
If my past is any sign of your future
You should be warned before I let you inside

you have to understand:  all of these things you say to me, all of these things you do, he's told me, he's done for me before.  forgive me for being a little apprehensive and afraid a lot. i would love to believe you, i really do, but this is too great to actually be real.

***

this is FUEL:

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whenever i feel like i'm lost and i'm not doing anything right, this is what keeps me up.  this is how i know i'm doing something good, something right, and that i should have faith in myself.

i can do this.  or my name isn't . . .

Sunday, November 10, 2013

angry girl journal 11.10.2013

ten years ago, today, M broke up with me.

i haven't had a serious relationship since.  i'm still okay.

***

i know who i want to take me home
i know who i want to take me home
i know who i want to take me home
take me home . . .

Wednesday, November 06, 2013

not the meaningful relationship this time

i remember when i was younger and before i got this post with Nathan, i made a request with God for a meaningful relationship when i thought that nothing was happening to my career until i got tired and just gave up.  i am better off alone anyway.  i have made peace with that fact and am very much focused on my career now.

Lord, i don't need a relationship.  You have been taking great care of that i don't need anything anymore.  i don't mind being alone.  i would like to thank You for all that You have given me.  i would like to have this post, please?  i would rather have that than the boy who will only amuse me but break my heart. i am too old to act like a giddy high school girl.   yes, i would rather the post than the meaningful relationship this time, but i will take what You will give me.  it is not mine, but Your will be done.

This youthful heart can love you and give you what you need
This youthful heart can love you and give you what you need
But I'm too old to go chasing you around
Wasting my precious energy

no more distractions, no matter how interesting and amusing they may be.  

Tuesday, November 05, 2013

the song is self-explanatory . . . and very addicting


i don't know much about Tracy Chapman or her music, save for that ditty that Boyzone bastardized and her political and social activism.  the woman has, for the most part of her career, been able to keep her work and personal life separate.  i love that she is able to get people to focus on her music and the things she has done for society than the clothes she is wearing or who she's dating.

i heard this song over the weekend and i can't take it off my head ever since. i remember feeling that way the first time i heard it.  i imagine myself singing it.  it is very timely to me now because of the whole going away and chasing part and i need a reason to stay.

Give Me One Reason
Tracy Chapman

Give me one reason to stay here
And I'll turn right back around
Give me one reason to stay here
And I'll turn right back around
Because I don't want leave you lonely
But you got to make me change my mind

Baby I got your number and I know that you got mine
But you know that I called you, I called too many times
You can call me baby, you can call me anytime
But you got to call me

Give me one reason to stay here
And I'll turn right back around
Give me one reason to stay here
And I'll turn right back around
Because I don't want leave you lonely
But you got to make me change my mind

I don't want no one to squeeze me, they might take away my life
I don't want no one to squeeze me, they might take away my life
I just want someone to hold me and rock me through the night

This youthful heart can love you and give you what you need
This youthful heart can love you and give you what you need
But I'm too old to go chasing you around
Wasting my precious energy

Give me one reason to stay here
And I'll turn right back around
Give me one reason to stay here
And I'll turn right back around
Because I don't want leave you lonely
But you got to make me change my mind

Baby just give me one reason, Give me just one reason why
Baby just give me one reason, Give me just one reason why I should stay
Because I told you that I loved you
And there ain't no more to say

Sunday, November 03, 2013

angry girl journal 11.03.2013

the other day i made a very bold statement in Facebook by posting this:

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at first, i thought i was going to quit gradually, like lessen the number of cigarettes i smoke in a day, but i never really progress so i just decided to quit completely.  i don't know why.  i know i could do it.  the longest i have ever been without a cigarette, since i started smoking regularly in 1997 (i learned in '95, but was a passive smoker since birth - Dad could finish a ream in a week) was six months but i want to be able to see how long i can do this now.

hello, cold turkey.  wish me luck.  wish me strength.  as they say, you are stronger sometimes when you let go. 

Saturday, November 02, 2013

Loki steals the show

there is no doubt in my mind that Tom Hiddleston, the guy who plays Loki in the Thor movies, is hot. that nose alone can give me a, uhm, a reaction. 

let's face it, they totally sold Chris Hemsworth and Natalie Portman here. you want their love story to pick up where Thor left off.  but Loki was funny.  cunning.  you know he's the villain but you want him to live.  you want him to succeed no matter how untrustworthy his character is. 

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Kat Dennings, Stellan Skarsgard and the intern, Jonathan Howard, were hilarious.  Renee Russo and Anthony Hopkins were brilliant but it is Tom's portrayal of Loki that got me hooked.

 Thor is hot but i so love Loki.

Friday, November 01, 2013

angry girl journal 11.01.2013

i hate long weekends.

yes, i will visit my parents' grave some time this weekend.  just maybe not today.

anyway, i am disappointed that i have a weekend this long, like when i had to stay home for Holy Week.  even when my Father was still alive, i preferred going to work.  he was happy i get paid double for the holiday and i was happy because i had to interact with him less.  that he died didn't change it.  i still preferred to go to work on the PHL holidays and take off on the US ones.  if i needed to get something done, i take the US holiday off and i get to do it.  i don't get to accomplish anything if everybody else in bureaucratic Manila is on holiday.  besides, i was insanely trying to be with someone who wasn't worth it at the time.  it made me happy seeing him even though the feeling wasn't mutual.

now, all i just have is free time.

i don't really like to go out.  not anymore, anyway.  i only like going out when i'm with friends, as i am not particularly close with the family i have left.  if i don't have to, i'll just stay home and sleep.  that or watch tv and be brain dead.  i do want to travel again, but only if i can be with friends.  the last thing i want is to be stuck over the weekend with a bunch of people i don't particularly like.  i won't enjoy it because it will be torture.

i could travel alone but i will always wonder what would happen to the house while i'm gone.  it would've been a great opportunity to find myself.  maybe i will before the year ends.

it would also be nice if i could travel with someone special.  yes, i just got all mushy and wished that i could travel with someone i love.


But I could take you with me
Oh please let me take you with me.
And you can see those seasons too
But from a different view.

I want to get away with you.
I want to get away with you.

- Travel Song, Evelyn Burke

i just have really high standards.  so i guess i will just sleep off this weekend again.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

angry girl journal 10.29.2013

thank You, Lord, for all You've done
things both great and small
and for Jesus Christ, Your son
thank You most of all

You forgive us when we falter
You bring healing when we sin
You redeem our life from bondage
and renew us deep within


thank You, Lord, for all You've done
things both great and small
and for Jesus Christ, Your son
thank You most of all

see, i do have little moments of piety.

***

we did it!!! we pulled it off!!!

after so many days of organizing meetings, maneuvering around people's schedules,  and practicing for this very ambitious project, after all the stress just thinking about how to produce a budget, making sure everybody is wonderful and fulfilled and happy, all our efforts paid off.

this wasn't just four guys acting like a bunch of teenagers who couldn't keep it in their pants at the sight of hot-blooded young women.  these were about seventeen different people, with different schedules and priorities, different musical tastes, different attention spans who needed different approaches in order to be motivated and empowered, to bring out the things they haven't discovered about themselves.  for the last two or three weeks, they put their musical fate in my hands.

it is fulfilling. that intangible altruistic feeling that you've accomplished something and you were able to get other people to focus on that same goal and achieve it together.  that i have made them feel better about themselves is a great feeling to have and i'm glad i got to witness it unfold.  of course, that the person who should be worrying and doing all of this cannot grab a pair and step up was additional motivation.  it is tiring having to come up with all the solutions but the rewards reaped are priceless.

it is difficult, but i see a future in it.  it will pain me to let it go.

***

i had hoped for you to see me sing.  i looked pretty too.  too bad you didn't see it.

***

it's getting more and more inconvenient. not really painful, just really inconvenient.  i really need to call my doctor.

***

you amuse me and scare me at the same time.

i am allowed to be neither.

Monday, October 28, 2013

angry girl journal 10.28.2013

i am glad i got to see you before you left.  but i keep wishing i kissed you so i wouldn't have to keep thinking about what it would've felt like.

***
i went home and i was singing the song i was supposed to perform for tuesday in my head and when it got to that part,

" . . . 'cause you're a dream to me, dream to me . . ."

i started crying. i don't know why.  i just couldn't stop.  so i decided to leave the house to try to see if i could catch the last full show of this movie:

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of course, you can't go wrong with De Niro, Lee Jones and Pfeiffer.  but the biggest revelation for me was Dianna Agron.  of course, as Quinn, we hated her in Glee, until she finally knew how to act.  she's really good, actually.  i loved how she was hot and hotheaded at the same time.  there was this scene when she beat up someone and i could really feel her rage.  it was amazing.

when i got home, i was too tired to feel sad.  besides, i was anticipating what is yet to come.  but i am hopeful.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

one of those things i have to remember

believe in yourself and your potential to do great things but do not delude yourself to be something you are not.


Tuesday, October 22, 2013

angry girl journal 10.22.2013

now i remember why i don't go to church anymore (aside from the hypocrites who dwell in it):  i cry whenever i hear the songs.  yes, much like when i cry every time i hear the Philippine National Anthem.  i know it's a really sappy reason, but now that i think about it, even singing the songs in my head brings tears to my eyes.

i love you, Lord
and i lift my voice
to worship You, oh, my soul rejoice!
take joy, my King, in what You hear
let it be a sweet, sweet sound
in Your ear  

that was a favorite when i was in second grade and until now, i still love the song.

Panginoon, aking tanglaw
tanging Ikaw ang kaligtasan
sa masama, ingatan ako
ang sugo mong nananalig sa'Yo              

that last one, now that i've paid much attention, seems like a direct translation of Psalm 25.  see, i'm not evil.  i'm actually really nice, i just don't want everybody else to know.

***

my parents didn't lie to me about my talents.  they knew i was good in singing,  but they never told me about it.  they knew i liked to write, but they never read anything i wrote.  we focused on my studies.  they didn't praise me too much, at least not to my face, so i'd keep working hard to be better.  i grew up thinking they weren't proud of me, but i'd eventually hear it from someone else that they were.  they didn't want it to get to my head.  and i love my parents for it.  it constantly reminds me that i'm not perfect, that i'm not the best, that someone will always be better than i am so i am never complacent.  of course, i wasn't confident either, but  it made me stronger.

kids these days, they're very pampered.  they always get praised, even for mediocre output.  they're a bunch of emotional crybabies; always have to be spoiled and criticism needs to be sugarcoated all the time so as not to, God forbid, hurt their feelings.  you can't slap them to teach them a lesson because you can get in jail for it so they have no sense of discipline.  they don't know to work hard for things because they're always used to getting their way.  they don't know the value of hard work.  they don't know if they have real talent or not.  they don't know a lot of things because they always have to be protected from the truth.

but tell you what:  your kids will find out anyway how harsh the world is, that not everyone in the world is nice, that they can't have everything they want given to them in silver platter, that they're not as great as they think they are, that life is hard.  and when they realize it the bitter way, they might just blame you for it, hate you for it.  so please, don't lie to your kids.  don't be too hard on them, but don't spoil them rotten.  it doesn't help them become good people if you do.  it doesn't help them at all.                                                                

Friday, October 18, 2013

i'm sorry, but all i see is penis

i really don't know why.  he's very intelligent.  he's nice.  he's very responsible.  and respectable.  but every time i see this gentleman from work, all i see is dick. yes, i meant penis.  i'm really sorry.  i don't understand it either.

when i first saw him a few months ago, without him wearing his eyeglasses, he looked really hot.  he had a commanding presence.  it's like he didn't belong there with the rest of them. he looks so dorky with the glasses on and so very different from the guy i saw the first time.  if that guy from Enchanted Kingdom asked me to strip down, i would hurriedly do so, no questions asked.  the guy i see every day, i feel bad whenever i violate him in my head.

no matter how smart and sweet and dignified he is, i always see SEX.

i really feel bad thinking that way about him.  he really is such a nice and respectable man.  i have high regard for him. i just can't help thinking about him this way.  he looks so delectable.

that's probably the only time i think i want to be intimate with someone, like really passionate-i'll-rip-all-your-clothes-off intimate.

of course, that and when i think about Francesco Diablo Esq.

***

i couldn't help it.  i asked the guy from Fresno:  why are you being so nice to me?

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

angry girl journal 10.16.2013

they say that nothing sounds sweeter to a person than the sound of his/her name. that's why in some cultures they actually think it's more condescending when you call them "madam" or "sir", like you were being sarcastic or something.

my mother took this picture of me for my first year high school id:

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ah, i was so much younger then . . .

don't get me wrong, i love my name. it's just that when people call you by your full name, it meant you were in trouble, like when someone proposes marriage or reads you your rights before they cuff you. i prefer people address me as just, "bels".  i only call people by their full names when i'm mad at them, when i'm trying to make a point, or when i'm pretty much solidifying how much i love them.  this means that i only reserve that right to call me by my full name to only those whom i hold dear to my heart, like a license.  otherwise, you have to earn that right, like everyone else.  besides, if they cannot spell it correctly, then i'd rather not.  bels is just easier to remember, and even then, a lot of people still can't get it right.  so  . . .

that's b - e - l - s  for you :)

done with the trent phase. time for tom.

i do keep saying here that i am still waiting for my Booth, until i finally woke up.  i am now ready to close that chapter of my life.  just waiting to get paid.

one does get tired of chasing after things, people that are not even good for them. it's not like i'm in a hurry.  i did say that God has better things to do. but when it does happen, i will be grateful and i will try not to jeopardize it before it even starts.

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the moment Daria's companion is Tom and not Trent on my cover page in Facebook, that means . . .

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Tuesday, October 15, 2013

why don't we get away, even just for a day?

today is Nathan's birthday.  today is also Eid al-Adha, a Muslim holiday.  which means, no work for the daywalkers!

our team, Team Gorgeous (of course, i've always been, even before joining the team, that solidified it), decided to go on a quick getaway to Tagaytay for great food, desserts and a chance to bond again.

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you can never go wrong with tawilis and bulalo.

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i enjoyed it a lot because the last time i was here, i just played third wheel to my friend and her boyfriend. which isn't really fun. my idea of relaxation does not always involve liquor so this was really fun for me. i got to spend time with my team and there were times i got to be alone just so i could enjoy the view.

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i would like to come back here some time.  maybe alone or with someone.  i don't know.  it's great to be away for a day. even if it means coming back to tons of work afterwards, i don't mind.  as long as i get to breathe.  

Sunday, October 13, 2013

in the eyes of another objective human being (foreigner) who fell in love with this country

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i read about it a few weeks ago and i really wanted to see it but i wasn't sure it was going to be shown here locally.  it made me curious that the screenplay was in English, written by a British director who shot the movie here and had the Filipino actors act out and deliver the lines in Tagalog in their own translation.

i  was glad i went out and saw it today. i even brought my house helper to watch it with me.  and (s)he loved it too.

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the story is about Oscar Ramirez and his wife Mai, who move to Manila from their home in Banaue (as in the rice terraces Banaue, not that place where you get your car parts)  to try to see if their life can get better here, only to be victimized by the manipulative ways of the city folk.  Oscar thought that his partner/senior officer, Ong, was sincerely helping him make it in the city only to find out that Ong is just waiting for a pawn he can exploit in order to achieve his selfish motives. so true of this city, right?  it's a movie worth seeing, even if you just want to point to the screen and say, "hey, i know where that is!".   it has an amazing plot and i commend Sean Ellis for this great story.

the ending brought tears to my eyes.  i am glad that despite all the hardships he and his family are experiencing, and the tough call he had to make morally, Oscar got his dream of a better life for his family.  great stuff.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

angry girl journal 10.10.2013

i still haven't made up my mind on this segment called "That's My Tomboy" on this local noontime television show.  i've seen some of the contestants and i have to admit that these butches are cute.  some do weird talents and some give even weirder answers during Q&A.  makes me wonder if they're really gay, you know. 

i don't know.  i haven't figured out if i like it yet.

but the contestants are cute.

***

while everybody who tried to go home early ended up taking longer than they should because of the traffic, i decided to stall and had these pictures taken. 

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dress:  Uniqlo
shoes:  Charles and Keith

of course, i had to make a run for the bus just so i could get home wearing this dress, but i looked amazing running after a bus :)

***

i don't need you to like my posts.

I NEED YOU TO PAY UP. 

you never helped me when i was over the death of my parents.  it's always been nothing but problems with you.  you took me for granted.  you took advantage of the fact that i loved you.  you never cared about me.  you just used me.

when i think about it, the money you pay me is not even enough to cover for the humiliation, all those times i defended you, lied for you, went out of my way just to save your ass.  all my hard work just so you can gamble away your salary and then borrow from me.  it's just like working for a family that's not even my own.  i feel bad for being so stupid, for hoping you can be an actual caring person, for hoping you can change for the better.  the only one you care about is yourself.  and i'm supposed to be the selfish bitch? 

Sunday, October 06, 2013

gave in. again!

so much for practicing what i preach . . .

i ended up buying not only clothes, and shoes, but a great amount of imported goods.

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skirts:  Uniqlo

yes, those are yellow bed sheets with flowers on the background.  my mother was into flowers.

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shoes:  Charles and Keith

guess you could say i'm done with spending for this month since i added two more pairs to my growing collection.  i am expecting to be committed to a phone line for two and a half years (which is the longest relationship i've had with anything or anyone, not to mention my prepaid number for more than five years) so i should avoid any unnecessary spending.  i am seriously hoping this would be the last for the month of October 2013.

i did receive this awesome pasalubong from my good friend Chris, though.

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you gotta love me :)

Friday, October 04, 2013

angry girl journal 10.04.2013

when we go out into the world, we don’t just show the world our selves; we reflect the way our parents brought us up and the school that nurtured us. that’s why when a person acts like an ass, we immediately assume that he had horrible parents who sent him to a crappy school.  but then again, even if you had the nicest parents, and you went to very best of schools, if you’re an ass, you are.

"I AM A TIGER WITH THE HEART OF A WARRIOR."

and my parents raised me well.  i was a stubborn kid, but they raised me well.

i don't think money can ever cover for stupidity or lack of breeding.  people can only pretend for so long.

Saturday, September 28, 2013

it was a deal i couldn't resist

i was actually looking for something to do.  had i known that On The Job was still showing in this theater, i wouldn't have gone shopping.  i was supposed to submit my requirements for my phone line application (yes, i'm acting all "grown up" and getting committed to something for the next thirty months) but it turns out, what i had with me was incomplete.  so i ended up shopping.

i wasn't really going to buy another pair of shoes, but the deal i got on this pair was amazing. it was an awesome discount.

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i mean, i'm only trying to practice what i preach and not spend more than i should.  and there it was.

if you got an 81.57% discount off a pair of shoes, wouldn't you give in too?

Sunday, September 22, 2013

the Supremo rocks!

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i had the good fortune of getting tickets to the ballet which features the live bands playing :)

eight out of the ten bands from the album Rock Supremo were there to play alongside the ballet dancers.  for    while i didn't know who to pay attention to, the dancers or the band. everything was just amazing.

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i loved the way the dancers moved. i loved how they were in sync with the bands.  i know from watching too many So You Think You Can Dance episodes that it was possible to merge the two worlds, ballet and rock music, but i never imagined how beautiful, how spectacular it would be until tonight.

i never knew much about the hero, Andres Bonifacio.  i still don't know much now.  what i do know is that, because of last night, i just might, uh, Google more (there is a part where they reference the search engine) about him to find out.  it made me so happy being there, despite the awkward circumstances.  all i knew in those two hours sitting at the theater was the music, the movement, the story.  the hero.

my favorite songs from the album, which also happen to be my favorite segments of the dances were Liwanag, Lakambini, Aling Pag-ibig Pa (because i saw Francis Reyes and i have the biggest crush on Japs Sergio), and Radioactive Sago Project's Hoy Emilio.  of course.

i still can't get over it. i am still fucking fascinated with the dancers.  with the bands.  with the music.  with the hero.

how do we spell awkward again? B - E- L - S

so i finally got my answer to the question, "should i ask M out?".  it came in the form of an extra ticket to the Rock Supremo show.

she was actually the first person i thought of asking to the show since she was the only person i knew who spent six years with Ballet Philippines.  i didn't ask her out because i had no idea what her circumstances were:  is she free on that day?  is she seeing anyone? that sort of stuff.  so i asked Chris, Beth and Brian out. Beth couldn't make it because it is getting very difficult for a pregnant woman to get around these days and Chris couldn't make it because he had to fly back to Singapore. i didn't really want to waste the ticket and i didn't really want to invite anyone who wouldn't appreciate the fusion of ballet and rock music.  so i asked M.

part of me wanted her to go but mostly i didn't want her to.  i still wished Chris could go.  but he couldn't and she could.  okay.

so we walk into the theater and who greets me when we get to our seats.  no less than  Jade and his wife, who doesn't remember meeting me, by the way, even if i've already been introduced to her twice.  well, i wasn't really that relevant to Jade for her to remember who i am. Brian asked me if i sent out a memo prior to the show.  by this time it got me worried as to who else would be there.

thankfully, the universe was kind and decided i had enough for tonight.

i loved the show immensely.  there were certain parts i couldn't help but cry, and not just because the man i loved for the better part of high school was there with his wife and the lesbian i considered living with for the rest of my life was seated right beside me.  i cried because of how poignant the contrast was of the two dancing pairs were:  the first pair, spoke of happier times, of free love; while the second pair, reflected pain, despair, a couple tried by their surroundings.  all this happening as Ebe Dancel and Kai Honasan narrate their story in music.  it was the most painful yet most beautiful thing i had ever heard.

when i saw the bands, especially Peso Movement, i stopped giving a fuck.  i saw Francis Reyes and it made me all giddy. i feel bad that i still haven't gone to the gym like he keeps telling me to.  but when he said it doesn't matter, as long as i'm happy, it did it:  it made me happy.  oh, and Japs Sergio is sooo hot.

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i wasn't expecting anything out of this show, other than a great time, which i did have. actually, now that i think about it, i could've gone to that show with just Brian and me and it would've been great.  going out with M is okay but not something i would do if i had a choice.  she's happy now and i'm glad for her.  there's just so much history there that i don't want to unearth anymore.

it made me think of Alex when i got home, though.  i get "thank you" a lot from the people who don't love me back.

bet that wasn't in my weekend love forecast.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

for the love of Ely Buendia

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my good friend Chris and i braved the crazy traffic in the metro to see Ely Buendia's concert last night for the benefit of the Philippine Educational Theater Association's Endowment Fund.

the last time i saw Ely perform was with his band Pupil, and with the Eraserheads a decade earlier. i missed the reunion concert. it was so nice to see him perform, singing Eraserheads classics and a few of his hits after he left the band.

here's his set list:

Higante
Alapaap
Maling Akala
Ligaya
Huwag Mo Na Itanong
Pare Ko
Maselang Bahaghari
Something (Beatles cover with Chris Padilla of Hilera)
With A Smile
Magasin
Overdrive
Santo
Lightyears
Huwag Kang Matakot
Huling El Bimbo

Walang Nagbago
Spoliarium
Torpedo

it was nice to hear the songs again, although i was telling Chris i didn't pay for community singing.  that was the thing with the E'Heads songs:  face it. you can't help but sing along.  the lyrics were relatable, the music was wonderful.  his cover of The Beatles' Something with Chris Padilla was fabulous.  he was very witty, sending Chris back out while they were setting up for the acoustic segment of his set. and you know how it is with rock stars - how they have this certain stance while they stare into nothingness as they sing. he was the epitome of cool. until now i still haven't gotten over the very spectacular arrangement of Magasin.  i was very glad he included Lightyears on his set list.  never fails to bring tears to my eyes whenever i hear it.

can i just stop for a minute and say that Chris Padilla was so hot?  can i also say that Wendell Garcia is so hot while i'm at it?

it was a fun night.  Chris and i really enjoyed it.  we had an awesome time.  and those were not bad seats.  it's one of those days i didn't mind missing work even though i know i had a lot of things to do when i get back.  it's Ely Buendia.  it's the music of my generation.  why would i want to miss that?

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

angry girl journal 09.18.2013

"Forgiving someone is easy.

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The difficult part is collecting payment."

yes, i just quoted myself.  

Friday, September 13, 2013

angry girl journal 09.13.2013

i just realized that it's Friday the 13th today.  nothing special really.  it's just like any other Friday.  busy.  stressful.  the weekend flies by so quickly you don't even notice it.  by the time you do it's time to go back to work again.

i meet a lot of people every day and not all of them will like me very much.  i don't blame them, i don't make it easy for them to, although i try.  but the ones who do appreciate me, the ones who see past the ugly, angry exterior:

"the Pilot is very nice"

those are the ones who make this all worth while. 

Friday, September 06, 2013

i'm not always superficial

when Nathan left and Tina took over, i felt the need to focus a little bit more on my appearance. i wore dresses and skirts and even spent money on shoes. i didn't find the value of spending a lot of money on them then.

i started with this pair from Charles and Keith and then it went downhill from there:

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i bought this for my friend Beth's civil wedding and i wore it to the church as well:

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Charles and Keith

i saw this when we went to Singapore a few years ago and that's how i knew i was hooked.  it made me laugh but it also made sense.

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i look at it this way:  i never really got to spend the money i've been working so hard to earn until my father died.  i also figured if i could lend that much money to someone (or in my case, be that stupid), then i can get myself beautiful clothes.   besides, i work for one of the most important people in the Company.  i have to look the part.

to date, i now have these at home.  i might buy some more, but i try to stop myself.  i am working on a budget.  i imposed it upon myself to save for my future.

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let's face it:  some people will leave you and only use you for their own benefit so why not treat yourself?  i am still grounded.  i have a good head above my shoulders.  but just because of that, it doesn't mean i can't be pretty, right?

Thursday, September 05, 2013

i wear because i can

my friend Jordan and i met to watch a movie.  it was one of those days i met with him so he doesn't whine about being last on my list of my favorite people to hang out with.  i saw this dress so i asked him to wait so that i could try it on and buy it.  he couldn't believe i was getting it because he saw how much it cost.

for the record, it's not THAT much. well, it is for some people but it's actually the maximum amount i will allow myself to spend on a dress or a pair of shoes and i don't spend more than that.

i buy pretty clothes because i work for one of the most important people in our company. not to mention, it does matter to my boss how presentable and credible i look.  i don't just represent the company, i represent him.   we are always told to dress not for the current position we have, but where we see ourselves being in the future. besides, the dress code is business casual.

i used to be able to live on not-so-expensive clothes and still manage to meet the requirement.  i still do.  i don't believe that presentable office wear has to be expensive.  for starters, aside from being presentable, it also has to be comfortable.  every once in a while, i make uncomfortable sacrifices for beauty, but because i can.  i spend money on clothes because i can.   i follow a budget.  i don't spend more than i can afford.  i don't allow myself to be buried in debt because i don't know the difference between a "need" and a "want".

it's also an incentive for me to work on my weight.  i can't look pretty in certain dresses unless i shed the weight off.  i am trying and still working on it.  but you have to admit, i hide it well.

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dress:  Marks and Spencer
shoes:  Charles and Keith

Saturday, August 31, 2013

great job

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*photo courtesy of Mon Castro's Facebook page

ever since Ang Nawawala, i haven't seen a local film that made me want to see it.  i have to be honest:  when my friend Brian was talking about it and  he started blurting out the names of Piolo Pascual and Gerald Anderson as the stars of the film, i intentionally blocked him off my hearing.  and then he mentioned Joel Torre and contract killers, i did my research.  it also helped that i looked it up and found out that the musical direction was done by my friend Erwin Romulo.  

the story is about two inmates, Tatang and Daniel, who are hired as contract killers taken back in so that investigators cannot find them. a diligent cop (played by Joey Marquez - he did shine in this movie, a revelation) partnered with an up and coming NBI investigator (Piolo) trying to get out of his father's shadow to solve the mystery behind the killings and the powers behind them.  add a bunch of corrupt wealthy government officials and politicians into the mix and you have one great movie.  although right now, i still couldn't see the relevance of the love scene between Piolo Pascual and Shaina Magdayao.  that didn't have any connection whatsoever to the story. maybe i just didn't get it.  and i could imagine how hard it must've been for Piolo.

it took my breath away.  i didn't even have coffee prior to watching the movie and my heart was pounding at every scene. the minute the opening credits and the song played, i knew it was going to be a blast watching it.  great ensemble cast.  some of their scenes were brief but all were very strong and interesting characters.  i paid only this much money to see it and when i got out the theater, i wanted to go back to the counter and pay more. 

this movie pushes the boundaries.  very brave.  bold.  they did a great job.  this is the type of movie that makes me believe in the local film industry again.  great job, Erik Matti, Erwin Romulo.

a very insightful movie behind the man

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when Steve Jobs died, i wasn't one of the people who pretended to be sad for his death.  i didn't read up on him and i didn't own anything that was produced by Apple. i even went as far as saying that their products are anti-social tools:  I-pod, I-pad, I-phone, etc. etc. ad infinitum. while they're pretty neat gadgets that allow you to be self-sufficient especially when boredom kicks in the presence of other people, they do have a tendency to make you, well,  rude.  people who use these things, and the social media, they're rude.  they forget that they're with other people and lose their manners.  anyway, this is not the fault of Mr. Jobs, i apologize.

Ashton Kutcher was a revelation. his performance made me appreciate the life of the man behind the ideas.  it made me respect him.  i still feel that way about the gadgets but i have a newfound respect for the man.  i didn't get to read the book and it kept me hanging a bit, but for someone who just got introduced to the man, this will do. 

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

birthday ko nga daw eh

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they always say that when you're wearing red that it's your birthday. i normally wear black but i figured i'd have to wear this dress some time.

quick story about the dress:  Cherl likes to go with me when i'm on a retail therapy spree so when i know there's a sale, i try not to ask her out.  she and i and one other lady were the last people in the store. she normally waits while i try on something and tells her what she thinks about the dress. she calls me from outside and tells me she wants to see how the dress looks.  the other lady and i get out at the same time wearing the same dress.  the exact same dress. i just hope that the lady does not work in the same Company as me.  i think she got the same dress in the other colors too. 

it was an okay shift, going back to work after a long break, after my birthday.  plus i look hot in this dress. 

dress:  Freeway
shoes:  the little things she needs

why isn't Jared acting anymore?

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woke up to the sound of Thirty Seconds to Mars and it got me thinking: why isn't Jared acting anymore? wala lang. the songs are great, although this one song they have reminded me of U2's With or Without You. but other than that, good work, Jared!

the only movies that i saw him in are How to Make an American Quilt and Girl, Interrupted, both with Winona Ryder.

which reminds me, i have to see One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest again.i saw it when i was younger but i don't remember how the story goes.  other than being set in a loony bin, that's your only connection to Girl, Interrupted. 

anyway, Thirty Seconds to Mars is great, so far and Jared is doing a good job as its front man.  i hope they could visit Manila soon. 

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

angry girl journal 08.27.2013

i am so set in my ways.  i have been alone for such a long time that i am petrified at the thought of being with someone.  actually, for someone as sensual as i am, i have developed this fear of intimacy and the wall i have built around me is so strong, i will only allow those close to me to get through.  i mean, i can hug someone, to provide comfort, solace, but the idea that someone will press his/her lips against mine is suddenly revolting.

it doesn't sound like me, right?

when i was younger, i believed that as long as i didn't lose myself, that as long as i didn't hurt anyone and i followed my values, my rules, then it wouldn't matter.  i kept a little to myself and even if it broke me, it made me stronger, a little wiser.  it helped me survive.  but it doesn't eliminate the sadness entirely.

i keep to myself a great deal.  everybody knows about me but they don't know anything.  my work, my faith keeps me sane.  if i'm not going out with friends, i'd rather stay home and rest.  i treat people with respect.  i do not lose hope that i will meet someone but  i don't think i'll die if i don't meet anyone.  God has better things to do than to find a partner for me.

i need to believe love exists. i need to believe that there is someone out there for me, who will take the broken person that i am. and i need to know that if i'm going to make compromises, sacrifices, that that person will not let me down and do the same, the way so many people have let me down before.  if it's not exactly that, if it's not what i deserve, then i won't take it.  i've already spent too much time, wasted so much time,  lost so much of myself just being grateful and accepting for what is undoubtedly not even worth giving to anyone that i won't stand for mediocrity anymore.  i can't bear to pick up whatever pieces are left of me.

i just can't.

Monday, August 26, 2013

it's like Men in Black, but with monsters

 photo ripdfilm_zpseebdf844.jpg

 i kinda expected to see Ryan Reynolds' abs or have Kevin Bacon dance, but i saw neither.

Nick Walker is a detective who is betrayed by his partner, Bobby Hayes, over a chest full of gold that they stole during a drug bust.  while he initially wanted to keep his share to create a better life for him and his wife, Julia, he tells Bobby that he regrets his decision and wanted to return the gold.  Bobby kills him and frames somebody else for the murder.  instead of ascending towards the light, Nick gets pulled into the office of Mildred Proctor, director of the Boston division of the Rest In Peace Department (R.I.P.D.), an agency that recruits deceased police officers to patrol the afterlife and capture "Deados", spirits that failed to cross over and return to Earth as monstrous ghosts. he gets partnered with an ex-U.S. Marshall from the 1800s, Roy Pulsipher, played by Jeff Bridges.

anyway, the idea was, Kevin is also a Deado and he's been trying to reassemble the Staff of Jericho, a mystic device that could reverse the tunnel that transports the dead into the afterlife, returning them to Earth. Roy and Nick destroy the darn thing, they earn redemption and Nick gets a ten-year old girl scout as a new avatar.

i didn't have anywhere to go and i didn't want to stay at home all day so i went out to watch this movie.  i didn't want to see the Conjuring.  or the Conbefore.  or the Conafter.  corny.  this was okay.  it entertained me for a while. 

***
i saw an old friend at the mall.  he is now a lawyer but is still single and younger than me.  i used to have this crush on him.

now that i think about it, why am i not surrounded by nice, attractive, funny and responsible men like him?  why do i get stuck and hung up with the assholes that i deal with?  WHY?!?!?!?!

i'm hoping he and i can reconnect and while i don't want to get ahead of myself, i just want to be able to get exposed to good men.  i really feel that hanging out with him will give me that opportunity.  i have faith. 

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

PHL and the floods

my father died in the same year that we had Ondoy. the flood waters had entered the house.  it took me six hours before i could get home.  after the floods have subsided, he was sick for a long time, going in and out of the hospital before his organs finally gave in. but i do remember him telling me that if it rained hard for the next forty days, he was pretty sure that  "He was going to end it all".  by "HE", my father meant God, yes, like the great flood, and Noah. 

imagine if all of the taxes they deduct from our pay slips actually went to building stable structures, dependable drainage systems, instead of landing inside the pockets of just a few people, we wouldn't have to keep dealing with this every time the rains fall down.

i am especially disappointed because there is actual proof that the taxes we pay only benefit a really small number of people while the rest of the country starves. 

i also hate that instead of putting all of that money for literacy, they make up all these fake projects that don't really help anyone but themselves.  it's like they refuse to educate  the people because once the masses know what's really going on, they will not remain in power. 

i do not think that my problems are much more important than what the people are experiencing now.  i really feel embarrassed that i'm worrying that people don't have a birthday party for me when there are people who don't know if they can go back to their houses and their lives.

once again, i know we will have to give back to those who need the help and i don't mind helping out.  but the vicious cycle has to stop.  it has to stop. 

Sunday, August 18, 2013

if i had a party, i could cry if i wanted to

you'd think that because they know that i'm all alone and my parents are dead and i'm not particularly close to any of my living relatives, that they'd figure the whole thing out and it would sink in to them that i am all alone and they are all i have.

but NO.  so sad.  it just makes me so sad. 

it didn’t have to be lavish.  number one:  it just had to be not organized by me.  KAHIT NGA POTLUCK, OK NA EH.  forget the band.  forget the dressing up.  forget the Happiness  - he doesn't like me anyway.  number two:  as long as everybody i love and care about was going to be there, it was fine.  i didn’t want to have to meet with them separately. it is a waste of time and it is a waste of money.  not to mention, when i meet them separately, they forget that we’re there because it’s my birthday.   if everybody were invited and they didn’t come anyway, it’s not my fault anymore.  i really hate it when i have to meet people separately and then i become the bad person because i haven’t set up time with this or that person yet or with these people.

i don’t want to celebrate my birthday in a comedy bar.  not only do i get insulted by the drag queens before i get to sing, i’m also expected to pay them for letting them insult me too.

i don’t want to celebrate in a dance bar.  do i even dance? do these people even know me?
                              
somebody suggested a pool party and while i love the water it’s not going to work because my birthday falls on the rainy season.  not to mention, it falls on, before or after a holiday so it helps people forget that i was ever even born. 

andaming tao na ang lakas mangutang pero di mo maasahan mag-effort pag ikaw ang me kelangan sa kanila.  

everybody in this country thinks that you have the obligation to feed them because it's your birthday even if you don't really want to be with them. i really hate that, uh, "custom".  shouldn't birthdays be about family and friends and people you care about?

here comes the rain again, 
falling on my head like a memory
falling on my head like a new emotion

i know that i shouldn't expect anything from any of them.  it just makes me sad.  it makes me sad because it gives me the impression that i didn't do enough as a friend to deserve their thoughts.  they don't think about me or my situation. i'm not after their pity but unlike them, i don't have family anymore and i'm not really close to my relatives.  i don't really want to have anything to do with people who are only interested in me because they need me for something.  i also "organize events" for a living, it's one of those things i do, so it would've been nice to sit back and have someone do that for me, for a change. was that too much to ask?  was that such a shallow request?  i feel so stupid feeling bad about it but even more stupid because it makes me think that i don't really have friends.

i don't really have anyone.

Friday, August 16, 2013

there was a time when i was that kid

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i was in first grade when i was first introduced to the Puerto Rican boyband Menudo.  i was in an exclusive school for girls and lesbians and we all had a crush on either Ricky (who didn't know yet at the time that he was gay) or Robby.  hell, i didn't even know they were boys.  i got "discovered" by my homeroom teacher to sing one of their songs for a singing contest.

If You're Not Here (By My Side)
Menudo

Gotta catch that plane at 7:30
Why haven't you come to say goodbye
Time is running out and I'm still waiting
I'm so lost without you, I could die
Yesterday you said you loved me
Everything seemed to be fine
Today you're not here, I'm so lonely
It's the waiting that's driving me out of my mind

Don't know how I'll sing in that big city
How can I perform if you're not there
This will be the worst of all my journeys
The image of your face will follow me everywhere

I need your tender kisses
The feel of your hands, your caress
Your perfume has me burning
My heart is yearning to touch you
I need you so much

If you're not here, by my side
Can't hold back the tears
I try to hide
Don't think I can take it
I know I won't make it
Make it without you

If you're not here, by my side
Only your love keeps me alive
No sense in dreaming
My life has no meaning
If you're not here

I need your tender kisses
The feel of your hands, your caress
Your perfume has me burning
My heart is yearning to touch you
I need you so much

If you're not here, by my side
Can't hold back the tears
I try to hide
Don't think I can take it
I know I won't make it
Make it without you

If you're not here, by my side
Only your love keeps me alive
No sense in dreaming
My life has no meaning
If you're not here


i didn't win.  it's not like they encouraged singing in the house growing up.  but my father encouraged winning, so that was probably the first and last time i got to sing for that school, other than for Holy Communion.  the only other time my father was kind of supportive of my singing was when i was already in law school, when i was with the band.  he would let me join singing groups in high school but it was so hard trying to get permission to leave the house to practice.  oh, and nobody really saw me as a singer in elementary or high school.  i didn't "bloom" until college - had to fill up my resume, of course.

so i lost the singing contest in first grade.  but i won the next year.  General Information contest.  my grades were awesome ever since.  

Friday, August 09, 2013

mistakes, i’ve had a lot, too monumental to mention


i’ve been so used to my previous role that i rarely make mistakes anymore.  some are easily hidden, not because i am so awesome at what i do - i am, but because they’re mistakes that are easily forgiven, and because i hardly commit mistakes.  that’s the problem sometimes when you’re in your comfort zone; you can do something in your sleep that you hardly get challenged anymore.   i wanted to challenge myself, so i asked permission to get this new role, so i can do something different, and so i can learn.


they were right when they said that you can’t learn unless you commit mistakes.  some times you have to.  of course, i already know this but it’s just hard to deal with the consequences, especially when other people’s lives are involved and when i didn’t really mean to hurt them in the process.  i was only doing my job, and i’m really trying hard to do well at it.  i don’t make these kinds of mistakes, which is why i feel so bad and why i am so hard on myself. 

i am hoping that i can be done committing mistakes and start at being great at what i’m doing now.  it’s an opportunity that i am grateful for and want to make the most out of.  i know that like everybody else i am entitled to some sort of learning curve where it’s still okay to make mistakes, but i really hope that i don’t have to and just jump to being awesome. 

i asked for this and i don’t want to let down the people who believed in me.  most of all, i don’t want to perpetually doubt myself and let me down.  i need to start believing in me and loving me again.  it’s about time.