Friday, December 21, 2012

angry girl journal 12.21.2012

apparently the world doesn't end today.

i just finished reading the second part of Letters from Zedelghem, the second story from the book Cloud Atlas.  i remember crying in that part of the movie too, where he kills himself and the love of his life didn't get there on time to save him.

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i really loved their story.

then i remembered you.  i remember that day.  i remember because one of us has to, because it was so easy for you to forget how i almost lost you, how you almost gave up - and i was the one you called.

"I believe there is another world waiting for us . . . a better world.  and I'll be waiting for you there."

- Robert Frobisher

i really loved that line in the film, and the part where Robert hides in the tower from Rufus, because he's happy just seeing him, looking at him from afar.  i love the part in the book where he says in his letter before he bids farewell, "we both know in our hearts who is the sole love of my short, bright life"

i've had suicidal tendencies ever since i was in sixth grade.  i still have days when i want to cut myself even though i know how wrong it is or how bad it's going to make people who love me feel.  there are just days when i feel really, really bad  and i have to fight myself each time i feel like wanting to get a blade and slash my wrists.  when i read this part about Robert Frobisher killing himself, it reminded of those feelings and how i am glad i can overcome those feelings whenever i do have them.  regardless of one's belief in a Higher Power, i know enough to know that it is a selfish way out.  we often say it's the "easy way out" but it doesn't change anything and while i like his argument about it not being a weak act, and believe me, it is a strong and convincing one,  it is not something i would consider doing again, nor something that i would want for you.

it just makes sure i don't forget.  because you already have.