Monday, December 10, 2012

angry girl journal 12.09.2012: ever had the feeling you were ran over?

Jade got married yesterday.

don't get me wrong, i don't have feelings for him anymore.  it just makes me think.  all of them are married now:  Link, Jade, Alex.  i've moved on from them but i haven't gotten over the fact that these men were all with me at some point and they knew how much i felt for them but they never saw an ending with me.  they just used me for a "test run".  the worst part of it is that i wasn't this screwed up when they were with me. i wasn't this screwed up period.  we all had issues with our parents so i don't think i was that bad. i just got screwed up after being with them.

i remember that day.  it was a few days short of my 29th birthday.  i went to see a gig and i could tell how upset he was because of his recent discovery of his then-girlfriend's past.  he hated the idea that while performing there would be a guy in the audience that had had sex with his girlfriend; that had he not pursued her, he would've been just a number in her list of one-night stands.  i explained to his then "inexperienced heart"  that people need that, that they do that to get by, to move on, to be stronger.  so many men have led on women to bed with the promise of forever, only to jump to the next pair of open legs, so why can't she?  haven't YOU had meaningless passionate sex with someone you don't care about just so you could feel alive?  besides, him passing judgment on her for being supposedly "unclean" meant he passed judgment on me too.  was i not deserving of the love of a decent man who was to accept and embrace my past, present and make a better future with me?

he then responded with his Kosovo analogy (or was it Serbia?  can't remember anymore), wherein he stated that he didn't have to deal with me; whereas if he were to accept her, that would be bringing the "war"  over here.  he even asked how i could do it, how i could act like nothing happened.  it took some getting used to, thanks to Link.  needless to say, he has come a long way from that conversation.  they stayed together for a while longer,  with him sleeping around behind her back.

i was pretty broken at the time.  all those bottled up feelings for him suddenly came out again for no apparent reason and i found myself falling for him again, not being able to play the role of a friend because i was too busy pining for him.

that's done.  years later and i have moved on, although i was caught off guard when i saw him and his wife when i went to meet my other friends today.  i still support his band and if he needed me, i would still be there.  but there are no more if-only-i-did-this-then-maybe-he-would-haves.  if he wanted me (and believe me, there was a time when he was pretty persistent about wanting me, or my body, at least), he knew where to find me.  i was right there but he never saw me that way.  i was never on his radar no matter how long i've been around in his life.

seriously, i don't get it:  they showed me some amount of respect, but they didn't respect me enough.  i wasn't good enough.  i didn't even exist.

i know what it feels, i know what it's like when you love someone and he doesn't bother to thank you for all you've done because he doesn't even see you.

it wasn't Jade's marriage that ran me over, but the fact that he left me with that statement, that state of being not good enough.  of course, we can argue that maybe he's not worth it and i deserve someone better but that's the point:  no one's coming and no one wants to be better for me.  that ran me over.

i hope you are happy.  i hope that you continue to be blessed.  i hope that someday, i could be as happy and as blessed as you.