Sunday, December 30, 2012

angry girl journal 12.30.2012

so this is how it's going to be?  you're really not going to talk to me?  what did i do to you?

okay, i know what i did.

i said i was sorry.  i said i didn't mean to.  i also said that i know enough to know not to go to your house when i'm drunk or vulnerable.  or both.  you know what happens next.  i hate that we don't get to talk anymore.  i hate that i miss you and because of that, because of my stupidity, i can't run to you anymore.

i don't have anyone to run to anymore.

i really value your friendship and it hurts me to know that you're mad at me.  it hurts to know that we can't be  that way anymore considering it took a while for me to get over us not being the other way, you know.

i really miss you.  we need to catch up.  it's been a while.

we need to talk.

can we talk?

Thursday, December 27, 2012

still a rocker i am

i came across the 27th Annual Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Induction Ceremony over at HBO so instead of going to sleep because i have work tonight, i ended up watching it.

i'm glad i did.

they recently inducted the Red Hot Chili Peppers to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and that made me really happy.  i know that aside from BloodSugarSexMagik  (where Under the Bridge and Give It Away - my late Dad's favorite, came from) and their more recent albums, i'm not exactly that hardcore a fan as the other people i know, but i do follow their music and i appreciate it.

in this photo:  inductee Anthony Kiedis, inductee Jack Irons, inductee Cliff Martinez, inductee Chad Smith, inductee Josh Klinghoffer, inductee Michael Balzary aka Flea

i've always had this thing for guitarists and i noticed (because i haven't been paying attention for a while) that John Frusciante has left the band again, although he's still sober and there is no bad blood between him and the other band members and he has been replaced by his friend and frequent collaborator Josh Klinghoffer.  without comparing, since i am not in the position to say who is a better guitarist, as it is all about the music, i just have to say, that i have fallen in love with Josh :)


look at that nose

yep, i do tend to gravitate towards attractive, talented men like that.

anyhow, i digress.  after watching the 2012 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, i realized how much i love the music and no matter how old i get, i will always be drawn to it and grateful to the people who do what they can to share their God-given talents to energize that industry.

and of course, because rockers are always hot.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

115 places in Manila where you can find great food

Alicia Sy's Eat Out Now

my friend recently gave me a book for Christmas, called Eat Out Now, by Alicia Sy.  he said that since my other friends and i liked to eat out, and i am in the "business" of suggesting to people where they could eat, the book would be very helpful.  it actually is, although i did notice that some of the places i like to go to aren't there.  maybe the blog already featured it because that's where the idea for the book was based.  the book also features essays from other writers who like to eat (or food bloggers) so it's very insightful. it also takes into consideration your budget :)

i obviously like to eat and i am open to trying new things whenever i can, so this book is a great help.  of course, it doesn't stop with the one hundred fifteen restaurants in Manila mentioned there, but it's a start.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

not so angry right now

i did mention here before that every once in a while, you have the ability to surprise me.  you can be sweet when i least expect you to.


this is one of those times.

thank you for making the effort.  i really appreciate it.

Friday, December 21, 2012

angry girl journal 12.21.2012

apparently the world doesn't end today.

i just finished reading the second part of Letters from Zedelghem, the second story from the book Cloud Atlas.  i remember crying in that part of the movie too, where he kills himself and the love of his life didn't get there on time to save him.


i really loved their story.

then i remembered you.  i remember that day.  i remember because one of us has to, because it was so easy for you to forget how i almost lost you, how you almost gave up - and i was the one you called.

"I believe there is another world waiting for us . . . a better world.  and I'll be waiting for you there."

- Robert Frobisher

i really loved that line in the film, and the part where Robert hides in the tower from Rufus, because he's happy just seeing him, looking at him from afar.  i love the part in the book where he says in his letter before he bids farewell, "we both know in our hearts who is the sole love of my short, bright life"

i've had suicidal tendencies ever since i was in sixth grade.  i still have days when i want to cut myself even though i know how wrong it is or how bad it's going to make people who love me feel.  there are just days when i feel really, really bad  and i have to fight myself each time i feel like wanting to get a blade and slash my wrists.  when i read this part about Robert Frobisher killing himself, it reminded of those feelings and how i am glad i can overcome those feelings whenever i do have them.  regardless of one's belief in a Higher Power, i know enough to know that it is a selfish way out.  we often say it's the "easy way out" but it doesn't change anything and while i like his argument about it not being a weak act, and believe me, it is a strong and convincing one,  it is not something i would consider doing again, nor something that i would want for you.

it just makes sure i don't forget.  because you already have.

suicide according to Robert Frobisher

in his last letter to Rufus Sixsmith, Robert argued that killing one's self is not a weak act.  it made me cry somehow, considering it is a thought that has crossed my mind numerous times.

"A true suicide is a paced, disciplined certainty. People pontificate, "Suicide is selfishness." Career churchmen like Pater go a step further and call in a cowardly assault on the living. Oafs argue this specious line for varying reason: to evade fingers of blame, to impress one's audience with one's mental fiber, to vent anger, or just because one lacks the necessary suffering to sympathize. Cowardice is nothing to do with it - suicide takes considerable courage. Japanese have the right idea. No, what's selfish is to demand another to endure an intolerable existence, just to spare families, friends, and enemies a bit of soul-searching. The only selfishness lies in ruining strangers' days by forcing 'em to witness a grotesqueness.”* 

i can't promise that i won't try to kill myself again. but he has a point.

*taken from the second part of Letters from Zedelghem, Cloud Atlas, written by David Mitchell

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

angry girl journal 12.11.2012

while cleaning my workstation last night, i found this newspaper that i got from the MRT station dated December 27 of last year.


i'm a Virgo. i rarely used lipstick last year and whatever would've happened, hasn't.  not to mention, i haven't gotten the return on my "investment."

oh well.

Monday, December 10, 2012

the other hot guys in court


i recently discovered this drama-comedy and i found it very amusing.  Suits is currently on a very long season break (we get the reruns) so i was very happy when i caught this on TV.


people may argue that Suits is the better show of the two, but i can actually say that F&B isn't that bad.  the first is humorous but it mostly follows a drama format while the latter is a funny legal procedural.  Franklin and Bash are a pair of unconventional lawyers and longtime friends who try to make a difference in the legal system.  it reminds me of Ally McBeal.  Harvey Specter and Mike Ross are hot and they're very brilliant lawyers.  but if i were ever to be one, i would like to be like Franklin and Bash.  seriously.  they're funny, they're brilliant and they do their best to help those in need of protection of the law, despite the fact that they're now backed by a major law firm.  they don't forget their roots.

angry girl journal 12.09.2012: ever had the feeling you were ran over?

Jade got married yesterday.

don't get me wrong, i don't have feelings for him anymore.  it just makes me think.  all of them are married now:  Link, Jade, Alex.  i've moved on from them but i haven't gotten over the fact that these men were all with me at some point and they knew how much i felt for them but they never saw an ending with me.  they just used me for a "test run".  the worst part of it is that i wasn't this screwed up when they were with me. i wasn't this screwed up period.  we all had issues with our parents so i don't think i was that bad. i just got screwed up after being with them.

i remember that day.  it was a few days short of my 29th birthday.  i went to see a gig and i could tell how upset he was because of his recent discovery of his then-girlfriend's past.  he hated the idea that while performing there would be a guy in the audience that had had sex with his girlfriend; that had he not pursued her, he would've been just a number in her list of one-night stands.  i explained to his then "inexperienced heart"  that people need that, that they do that to get by, to move on, to be stronger.  so many men have led on women to bed with the promise of forever, only to jump to the next pair of open legs, so why can't she?  haven't YOU had meaningless passionate sex with someone you don't care about just so you could feel alive?  besides, him passing judgment on her for being supposedly "unclean" meant he passed judgment on me too.  was i not deserving of the love of a decent man who was to accept and embrace my past, present and make a better future with me?

he then responded with his Kosovo analogy (or was it Serbia?  can't remember anymore), wherein he stated that he didn't have to deal with me; whereas if he were to accept her, that would be bringing the "war"  over here.  he even asked how i could do it, how i could act like nothing happened.  it took some getting used to, thanks to Link.  needless to say, he has come a long way from that conversation.  they stayed together for a while longer,  with him sleeping around behind her back.

i was pretty broken at the time.  all those bottled up feelings for him suddenly came out again for no apparent reason and i found myself falling for him again, not being able to play the role of a friend because i was too busy pining for him.

that's done.  years later and i have moved on, although i was caught off guard when i saw him and his wife when i went to meet my other friends today.  i still support his band and if he needed me, i would still be there.  but there are no more if-only-i-did-this-then-maybe-he-would-haves.  if he wanted me (and believe me, there was a time when he was pretty persistent about wanting me, or my body, at least), he knew where to find me.  i was right there but he never saw me that way.  i was never on his radar no matter how long i've been around in his life.

seriously, i don't get it:  they showed me some amount of respect, but they didn't respect me enough.  i wasn't good enough.  i didn't even exist.

i know what it feels, i know what it's like when you love someone and he doesn't bother to thank you for all you've done because he doesn't even see you.

it wasn't Jade's marriage that ran me over, but the fact that he left me with that statement, that state of being not good enough.  of course, we can argue that maybe he's not worth it and i deserve someone better but that's the point:  no one's coming and no one wants to be better for me.  that ran me over.

i hope you are happy.  i hope that you continue to be blessed.  i hope that someday, i could be as happy and as blessed as you.

Sunday, December 09, 2012

our lives are not our own

while i didn't follow the Matrix trilogy, i did watch Inception.


so i get it.

i haven't finished reading the book but i jumped at the chance to see the movie Cloud Atlas because ever since seeing the trailer, i have been anticipating it.  i was so amazed i even searched long and hard for the book. aside from the music that makes my eyes swell up every time i hear it, Jim Sturgess got me addicted to the trailer.  seriously, before this movie, i never saw him as an action hero.  he was to me, the asshole Dexter from One Day who doesn't realize how much Emma loves him until it's too late.  here in Cloud Atlas, he is a man with a mission.


in order to make the movie cohesive, there is a comet-shaped birthmark in the main character for each of the six stories to make them intertwine. i haven't encountered in my readings any of the characters to have the birthmark, or maybe there is, i just haven't gotten to that part yet.  the book is made up of six stories, all cut in the middle for the reader from the next story to look for while reading, thereby showing the connection of the stories to each other.  the premise of the book and its film adaptation is that all of us are connected, we all keep committing the same mistake every time we reoccur in life and somehow, we still end up being with the someone meant for us.


i especially liked the love story between Rufus Sixsmith and Robert Frobisher and that of Sonmi 451 and Hae-Joo Chang. i loved how these two love stories get portrayed in the movie, and while i know it's a big spoiler as i read the book, i look forward to reading the book even more because of knowing it.  the novel itself deals with a lot of issues:  homosexuality, slavery, revolution, suicide, among other things, although when you see the trailer you just think it's a romantic film that discusses reincarnation, and how you end being with the same person you love in another place and time.  it helps that Jim Sturgess stars alongside other big name actors such as Halle Berry, Tom Hanks, Susan Sarandon, Ben Whishaw, James D'Arcy and Jim Broadbent;  there's also Hugo Weaving and Hugh Grant who play mostly villains in all six stories (except maybe in the fourth story where Hugo plays a woman) and Doona Bae who is his love interest in the first and fifth stories. i found it amusing that the actors play different roles in all six stories, and i gave myself a prize when i recognize one of them.

i'm hoping to see it again, i'm hoping to finish the book to look for the parts in the movie i loved the best.  i know it will make me cry, but i look forward to it anyway. the movie has a lot of great quotes and the parts i've read in the book so far has the same as well.

i wonder who i will connect with in the next life . . .

Tuesday, December 04, 2012

angry girl journal 12.04.2012

aside from the watery eyes and the clogged nose, i woke up from a dream where i got married.

i got married!

everyone was in black.  i had no idea who any of them were, except that the traffic was bad and i was feeling very much ochlophobic.  i really wanted to run away from the groom - he looked an awful lot like Ryan Reynolds but i was scared shitless to marry him.  i don't know why considering i have this humongous crush on Ryan Reynolds.  since it was very difficult for me to walk away, i ended up saying "I do" and he did too, although, he seemed to be as clueless as i was.


in my thirty-five years of existence, i've only had three marriage proposals.  they were all from lesbians.

oh,  there was one.  he said he would stand up for me and take me out of my predicament.  but he disappeared. when he resurfaced, he was courting my friend.

most of the men in my life are either already married, engaged to be married or living in with someone.  it's weird because none of them ever really considered i was worth marrying, but i was worthy enough for a "test drive".  funny, i don't have a sign on my head that says, "GOOD FOR SEX ONLY" or "LOANING COMPANY".

maybe that's why most of them are in black.  the day i get married, is the day i die.  it'll never happen.  because i'm not worthy.

Sunday, December 02, 2012

my favorite Survivor Philippines castaway

it's been a while since i last followed Survivor.  you think that when we had the Philippine version that i would follow it but i didn't.  but i am following the season that they are doing here in the Philippines. and i am loving it.

there are three tribes:  Matsing (monkey), Kalabaw (water buffalo) and Tandang  (rooster), made up of fifteen new players and three returning players who were initially pulled out of the game because of medical reasons.  when they merged, their name became Dangrayne which is a pun on "damned rain" which the castaways all experienced when they were here in the island. like it was a big deal. wussies.  lol.


my favorite is Malcolm. i really like the way he is playing the game so far.  he and Denise are the only two castaways from the original Matsing tribe who survived the merge.  they have been separated and reunited and he has shown what a formidable contender he is, both physically and mentally.  i also found it amazing that he has a big heart.  a recent episode showed that part of their reward was to deliver school supplies and toys to a village in Caramoan, Camarines Sur; and i really liked it when he said that it reminded him of something that he used to do back in the US, that he started something there and doing this again, reminded him of who he was and why he loved playing the game in the first place.  currently working as a bartender in the US, he said he missed doing charity work back home and was glad that he could do this out here.

of course, it also helps that he's gorgeous and smart, that's why i love him.  i hope he wins.