Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Beastly: you wish it were true, but it's not

i first heard about the poem Having a Coke with You through the movie Beastly.  Kyle, as Hunter, wanted to  impress Lindy by pretending that they were having a class under tutor Neil Patrick Harris.  of course it blows up in his face when he finds out it's one of her favorite poems and while he likes it, he feels awkward reading it with her.

Having a Coke with You

is even more fun than going to San Sebastian, IrĂșn, Hendaye, Biarritz, Bayonne
or being sick to my stomach on the Travesera de Gracia in Barcelona
partly because in your orange shirt you look like a better happier St. Sebastian
partly because of my love for you, partly because of your love for yoghurt
partly because of the fluorescent orange tulips around the birches
partly because of the secrecy our smiles take on before people and statuary
it is hard to believe when I’m with you that there can be anything as still
as solemn as unpleasantly definitive as statuary when right in front of it
in the warm New York 4 o’clock light we are drifting back and forth
between each other like a tree breathing through its spectacles

and the portrait show seems to have no faces in it at all, just paint
you suddenly wonder why in the world anyone ever did them

I look
at you and I would rather look at you than all the portraits in the world
except possibly for the Polish Rider occasionally and anyway it’s in the Frick
which thank heavens you haven’t gone to yet so we can go together the first time
and the fact that you move so beautifully more or less takes care of Futurism
just as at home I never think of the Nude Descending a Staircase or
at a rehearsal a single drawing of Leonardo or Michelangelo that used to wow me
and what good does all the research of the Impressionists do them
when they never got the right person to stand near the tree when the sun sank
or for that matter Marino Marini when he didn’t pick the rider as carefully
as the horse

it seems they were all cheated of some marvelous experience
which is not going to go wasted on me which is why I am telling you about it

Frank O’Hara

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***
i liked the movie.  it is a retelling of the fairy tale Beauty and the Beast.  in the movie, as he struggles to get her to love him, he realizes how selfish he was in the past and tries to make up for it.  the story in itself is a classic, but it's also a big joke.  it doesn't happen in real life.  more often than not, if not for some big tragedy, people won't admit to their mistakes and will keep doing what they know fully well to be wrong and hurtful to somebody.  they won't change until they get hurt themselves.  we don't get attracted to other people because they're pure of heart, we get attracted to them because they're hot.

in the end, in real life, the skinny dumb mean girl still gets the guy over the nice ugly fat girl.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

another one of them songs that brings tears to my eyes

over dinner, while discussing our friend Beth's wedding,  my friend Chris made me listen to this song by Grace Potter and the Nocturnals.  it's one of them songs that we have in our kabigti-bigti laslas pulso* playlist.  when i listened to it, he was right.  the song is beautiful, sonorous and very heart-wrenching.  that it is in my voice range is merely a coincidence :)

Stars
Grace Potter and the Nocturnals


I lit a fire with the love you left behind
And it burned wild and crept up the mountain side
I followed your ashes into outer space
I can't look out the window, I can't look at this place.
I can't look at the stars
They make me wonder where you are
Stars, up on heaven's boulevard
And if I know you at all, I know you've gone too far
So I, I can't look at the stars.
All those times we looked up at the sky
Looking out so far, it felt like we could fly

And now I'm all alone in the dark of night
And the moon is shining, but I can't see the light.
And I can't look at the stars
They make me wonder where you are
Stars, up on heaven's boulevard
And if I know you at all, I know you've gone too far
So I, I can't look at the stars.
Stars
Stars, they make me wonder where you are
Stars, up on heaven's boulevard
And if I know you at all, I know you've gone too far
So I can't look at the stars. 

***

there are days when i think i can't be here anymore, and it's mostly because of you.  it's bad enough that i already feel lonely because of all my problems but you made me feel that i am never good enough for anything, no matter what i say or do.  i know that my self-worth is not dependent on your approval considering you are not flawless yourself and we both know that you are not good for me.  you do not deserve me.  i keep telling myself that but i wait on you anyway. it has to stop somewhere.  i can't always be there for someone whom i have no assurance will be there for me when it's my turn to need help.  

so I, I can't look at the stars.

*literally self-hanging, wrist-slashing.  

Saturday, November 24, 2012

angry girl journal 11.24.2012

i really wanted to see you.  i have been longing to see you since i didn't get a chance to hang out with you the last time you were here. and it has been so long.

i didn't expect anything to happen between us, although it crossed my mind.  after all, you did mention that you noticed the skirts.  but that's the way you always talked to me so i figured it was never going to happen.  like you said, a lot of Filipinas have tried but none have succeeded.   besides, more than anything, i love our talks.  our conversations were always interesting and funny and i learn a lot from you.  you give me words of wisdom every chance you get and i might not always like what i hear, but i know it comes from the heart.  i know you love me, that you want me to be happy.  i know you mean well.

so when you said that i should stop chasing after people who will only hurt me, i knew you were right.  you called me "damaged", but the kind that fixes itself.  you said that i should stay away from people who are equally damaged but who needed other people to fix them, like him.  you said that i deserved better.  you also said that i should take a vacation, go somewhere i'd be uncomfortable, get out of my comfort zone, to not be afraid.

the funny part is, you also know that i will say, "yes, i will do it", just to shut you up so you pushed even harder so that i will be challenged enough to actually do it.

you know what, YOU'RE RIGHT.  

and yes, i know i will thank you later.

***

you just had to text me when i was with him.  you just had to, didn't you?

Monday, November 12, 2012

Skyfall: one of the best Bond movies i have seen

i think i saw the last Bond movie with my Dad when he was still alive. i saw this movie alone on my day off.

i grew up watching Bond movies and our family made sure to watch each and every one.  my favorite has to be A View to a Kill, with Roger Moore, but i love it because of Christopher Walken who plays the villain in the film. i loved the music they used for all the films.  i especially liked it when Pierce Brosnan played James Bond.  i loved all his movies.  he was so hot and like Sean Connery, when you thought of James Bond, he would come up like a pop-up box.

when Daniel Craig became the new James Bond, it took some getting used to.  he was the first blonde Bond and while he still had the swagger and the really dry Brit accent, he didn't fit the tall, dark, handsome image of the Bond i got accustomed.

most of the previous Bond films were about war and world domination, revenge.  Skyfall is no different.

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what makes me say that this is one of the best Bond movies i have seen is the fact that Daniel Craig totally embraced it, for me.  sure, it's still violent (though not as violent as the other films), it's still about revenge and espionage but this one shocked me, amazed me and made me think.  we are in the age where Big Brother watches our every move, everything seems to be flowing smoothly and it would make you wonder if we still needed Her Majesty's Secret Service for anything.  it made James Bond, the man, question his decisions, his life as an assassin.  as Craig himself describes his portrayal of the role, is he a good guy or is he a bad guy who works for the good side?  by the end of the film, you know where he stands but it still makes you question the man and the job.

Skyfall bids farewell to Dame Judi Dench as M and gets Ralph Fiennes as the new M, Ben Whishaw as the new MI6 quartermaster Q and Javier Bardem as the main antagonist, Raoul Silva.  don't even get me started with his character.  he is creepy and he didn't even need a white furry cat or metal teeth to be one.

minus time constraints, i would've wanted to see Skyfall again, before they fill all the theaters with that pathetic vampire movie.  watching the movie made me feel like a kid again, with my Dad smoking a cigarette while drinking Coca Cola and my Mom covering my eyes when Daniel Craig had his top off.  good times.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

angry girl journal 11.11.2012

a lot of people tell me that i never stop to think about what i say first before saying them. you should hear what people say to me. it kinda makes you think if they ever stopped to think about what they said first before they finally blurt it out to hurt my feelings.

***

i don't pretend to be somebody i'm not.  you can only lie about your flaws for so long.  of course, i try to improve myself but that's the point, i don't even make it easy for people i actually like.  i do have a tendency to push people away.  it's a gift. i try to make sense of things.  i try to make it better for me and the people around me.  i try to keep myself a little saner so i don't scare the people at work.   the one time that i do want to pull someone, he doesn't love me back, so i don't really bother anymore.  does that make sense?

Saturday, November 10, 2012

angry girl journal 11.10.2012

i've been collecting the Starbucks planners since 2004.  it's a very expensive planner considering to get it, you have to buy loads of coffee and you only use it for the first few months of the year and then it goes to storage.  ningas kogon is a Filipino trait which i picked up, unfortunately.


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the 2012 Starbucks planner

this year's planner, the 2012 planner is probably the ugliest of them but the one that carries the most memories.  it's been the most filled up planner that i have:  pictures, bus tickets, movie tickets, play tickets, dinner receipts, deposit slips, post-it notes, letters you gave me.  it pretty much gives a recollection of our life this year and the years before that.  everything that's happened with you and me is documented there like a scrapbook.  every page has some sort of caption of what you and i went through:  what i felt, what i did, what you did, what hurt me, what hurt you, EVERYTHING.  

pretty deadly if it went in the wrong hands.  lol.

anyway, this planner also documents how i have been as a person.  it is a reminder that the everyday is a new day and that maybe the next day, the next week, the next month, the next year, the next planner, the next life will be better.

every moment is an opportunity to be better.  even just through the pages of a Starbucks planner.